Killer Blog From Outer Space

I'm Still Alive!

2012-01-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Also, happy belated Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/assorted winter holiday of your choice! Contrary to what my lack of posting the last few months would have you believe, I do, in fact, continue to inhale oxygen. I haven't been being lazy, either. I've just been reeeeally busy. I do, however, have several recaps coming down the pipeline that are half-written already, including plans to recap the entire Final Destination series. It'll be fun, I promise. I also have some good news to share. I am one of 20 bloggers who have been selected to contribute short movie reviews to The Dam Nation blog throughout 2012. So, if you're interested in reading my opinions about the goings-on at the box office this year, that's the place to go. It's gonna be a great year, so hang in there with me!

"Sleeping Lies The Murdered Lass," or Child Of Glass (1978)

2011-09-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

As I excitedly proclaimed in a post a few days ago, I was at a recent yard sale and, for the low, low price of $10, procured myself a box full of VHS tapes, about 75% of which appeared to be liquidation stock from the horror section of a long out of business mom and pop video store. The crowning jewel of the entire box was the beat up copy of Child Of Glass, a spooky Disney television movie from the 70s that seemed to disappear off the face of the earth as the decades marched on. Now, this movie was a little before my time, so I had never actually seen it before working on this recap. I had, however, heard many people praise it and lament that it was never released on DVD. Even a used VHS copy goes for about $50 and up on Amazon. So the fact that I paid about 15 cents for it makes me just a little proud. Sadly, my copy has no paper cover, residing forlornly in a plastic squeeze sleeve instead. If it did have a cover, it would look like this:

I find it awesome that there used to be a time where a studio could slap a still photo on a plain background and call it a cover.

Child Of Glass begins with a car driving on the interstate while a retooled version of Frere Jacques plays over the credits. The car contains the Armsworth family, consisting of Mom, Dad, Connie Sue, and Alexander, on their way to their new house. The first bit of dialogue is Connie Sue bitching about having to leave her friends and how it's so not fair. Connie Sue is played by the same girl who played Violet Beauregarde in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. So shut up Connie, and go chew some gum.

Mom tells her to quit her bitching because the new house is only 5 miles away and she'll still be attending the same school. Then she reads the kids some literature about their new house, which is apparently a totally awesome antebellum mansion. Mom reads about how their new mansion, the Dumaine Plantation, was the scene of some pretty badass parties until...well, she conspicuously doesn't finish her sentence, but we can assume it ended with "the tragedy." Connie Sue yanks the book away from her and finishes the story out loud so that we get the background info on how the mansion's glory days ended when the owner, Mr. Dumaine, went crazy and hung himself in the hayloft. So, lovely.

The family arrives at the house and goes about unpacking and whatnot. Alexander heads upstairs to check out his new room and is accosted by a mysterious woman who is all "You're the one!" and "Be on the lookout for spirits!" and "Mysterious forces from another world!" This is terrifying not because of the spirits part, but because there's an eccentric stranger in the house and Alexander doesn't even think to mention this when his father calls him back down to go put away some fishing poles. He just takes the poles and heads on out to the barn, where he encounters a drunk guy named Mr. Timmons, who mumbles something about it being his day off and leaves. Why are all these weird-ass people in the house? Alexander doesn't really care, so he climbs the hayloft. Where he finds a puppy.

He doesn't have much time to consider why there's a fluffy puppy in the hayloft before a little girl enters the barn. Her name is Blossom and she is Alexander's classmate. It is revealed that the mysterious "OMG Evil Forces" woman in the house is Blossom's Aunt Lavinia, and that she and Blossom are there to clean the house. Ok. Aunt Lavinia is still weird. This has changed not. Blossom tells Alexander that Aunt Lavinia says he has psychic powers or some crap, and that the evil forces in the house will be contacting him, to which Alexander is like "Stfu, I totally do not have the shining."

That night, Alexander's bedroom window mysteriously opens itself during a rainstorm. He goes to close it and sees blue glowing coming from the barn. Hmmmm. Then he goes out to the barn the next morning to feed the dog some scraps and the hayloft door closes on him. Even more hmmmmm. Meanwhile, Mom is all pissed because one of her acquaintances has planned a harvest ball on the same night as Mom was planning on having an open house. The nerve of that bitch. Mom flounces around whining like Lindsay Lohan at a dry party until Dad calmly suggests that she just move the open house up by a week. Problem solved. Mom gets excited again and is under the delusion that said party will be a cotillion-themed costume party with all the guests dressed up in antebellum attire. She better be planning on financing the costumes if she wants people to show up. Mom is just a tad crazypants.

Alexander arrives at school and accuses Blossom of being in the barn last night with a blue flashlight, which Blossom denies. Then Alexander makes fun of her for not having a father, because he's an ass. And Blossom reminds me of a female Harry Potter.

After a brief scene in which Mom bitches out Mr. Timmons The Drunk for being, well, drunk instead of painting the gazebo (ah, so that's why he's there), it is nighttime again and the blue glow is back. This time, Alexander goes out to the barn to investigate, and watches in astonishment as it transforms into a little girl. Also, I think we can kinda assume that the puppy is also a ghost. Maybe.

Anyway, the little girl ghost explains to Alexander that her uncle (who I assume is the one who hanged himself in the hayloft) doomed her to wander among the spirits forever unless she happens to conveniently find someone with psychic powers who can set her free. Like Alexander, perhaps. She might have said more than that, but her thick French accent makes her extremely difficult to understand and that's all I could make out after rewinding her speech 5 times. Also, instead of just telling Alexander how she can be set free, she rattles off a cryptic riddle (something about a murdered lass and a child of glass) and is all "Solve that bitch before midnight on Halloween or I will haunt you forever." No, seriously. She actually threatens to haunt Alexander for the rest of his days if he is unable to solve her stupid riddle. What a little bitch ghost. Oh yeah, and her name is Inez Dumaine, which I guess is important. I'm still just gonna call her Bitch Ghost.

The next morning, Alexander asks Dad if he believes in spirits and stuff, and explains that there's a Bitch Ghost in the hayloft that needs help. Dad is all "What an imagination" and then tells Alexander that there's supposedly a fortune in diamonds buried somewhere on the property. Of course there is. Since Dad was no help, Alexander deigns to ask for the help of Blossom and Aunt Lavinia. Aunt Lavinia tells him all about how Bitch Ghost was the only child of a wealthy New Orleans family, who sent her to live with her uncle for safety during the war. Unfortunately, she died under mysterious circumstances, and everyone thought her uncle murdered her. Who wants to bet right now that he didn't? *Raises hand* Then Alexander tells Aunt Lavinia about the riddle and she's all "You should totally solve that shit."

Step one of Operation Help Bitch Ghost is to go visit her grave for some reason, so Alexander and Blossom sneak into the graveyard in the middle of the night. Blossom is a chickenshit and bitches the whole time about how scared she is to be there, to which I say why did you even go with him, darlin'? Ignoring Blossom's complaining, Alexander locates the big ol' Dumaine family crypt containing Bitch Ghost and her uncle, among other family members. He's all proud of himself when he figures out that the part of the riddle that goes "Sleeping lies the murdered lass" is referring to her grave. No shit. I could have told him that and saved him a trip. Now if only he could figure out the "child of glass" part of the riddle. He and Blossom return to the barn to try to work on that, but Blossom is too busy trying on antique hats and is of no help whatsoever.

While they're in there, Bitch Ghost shows up to ask how everything is progressing, which vaguely reminds me of a mob boss checking in to make sure things have been "taken care of." Or like it will soon progress to something like this. Alexander says he hasn't solved it yet, sorry, and Bitch Ghost is all "Hurry up, bitch." She also doesn't appear to know anything about any diamond fortune buried on the property, but I bet that it exists and that it's super important. Meanwhile, since we haven't checked up on Mom and her crazy delusions yet, let's see what she's up to. Yelling at Mr. Timmons for being drunk and still not painting the gazebo. Yawn. She's all pissed because how is she supposed to serve her mint juleps with no gazebo? Dad has had enough and fires Mr. Timmons, who responds with a long-ass speech about how poor people were here first and they'll be here long after the rich people have gone, or something. I don't really care.

Back to more interesting things, Blossom suggests that they should consult Aunt Lavinia's crystal ball for help in solving Bitch Ghost's riddle. The crystal ball reveals that Bitch Ghost's mother warned her to never let her doll out of her sight while she was staying at her uncle's. Gee, do you think the doll could be harboring the elusive diamond fortune, making it the "child of glass" that Alexander will have to find? Yeah, me too. Then the crystal ball plays out the most hilarity-inducing scene ever. It shows Bitch Ghost being chased around by her uncle, who is looking for, I assume, the diamonds. However, it is so very clear that Bitch Ghost is simply running in place in order to save the money it would have cost to build a set for her to run around in. It borders on excruciatingly distracting.

The gist of the crystal ball's wisdom is that the uncle doomed Bitch Ghost to wander forever in darkness and gloom unless she can get a kid to solve a stupid riddle, and here we are. Thankfully, Alexander isn't completely stupid like I expected him to be, and figures out that doll=child of glass as soon as the crystal ball goes dark. Thank heavens, because I don't think I could have taken 10 minutes of screen time watching him hem and haw over it. So, he and Blossom must now go locate the doll. But first, Alexander has to endure his crazy mother's stupid cotillion. It's right around this point where I realize that everybody's exaggerated southern drawls in this movie are giving me a migraine. Especially Violet Beauregarde's..er...Connie Sue's as she warns Alexander to behave himself now, ya hear? Because we have to think of Mom and make this evening special for her (before she gets carted back to the institute, we can only pray).

Speaking of the party, it appears to be going wonderfully. Although, I am still unclear where every single guest managed to obtain exquisitely detailed antebellum clothing, unless every single one of them had a great-grandparent who happened to be a social aristocrat. Ah, movies. Some woman named Miss Merryweather shows up and everybody orgasms over this because she's been a recluse for years or something. I dunno why we care, because this is the first we're hearing about her.

After this bit of excitement, Alexander sneaks out for a breath of air and encounters Bitch Ghost, who, true to her bitchy ways, starts yelling at him for standing around partying like it's 1859 when he's got a goddamn riddle to solve. What a little PMS-ing ghost bitch. Then she has a mood swing when she realizes that there's a waltz playing inside the house and is all "This is totally my jam! Let's go dance!" When Alexander demonstrates understandable alarm and WTF-ness at this request, Bitch Ghost is all "Would you dance with me if I were a REAL girl?" Oh man, don't answer that question, Alexander. It sounds like the ghostly version of "Do these jeans make my ass look fat?" and there is no right answer. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

But eventually, he agrees to waltz with her to get her to shut up, and she conveniently loses the blue glow so that she appears to be a REAL GIRL. The hell? Is there a reason she couldn't appear that way all the time, or does she just use the blue glow to make herself seem more spooky and ghostly or whatever? The mind, it boggles. Right about now, Blossom makes her way toward the party (which she wasn't invited to) dressed in clothes she borrowed from the hayloft, hoping to score her own waltz with Alexander, because that is totally and completely surprising and I didn't call her crush AT ALL from the moment she first appeared on screen. You can sense my sarcastic tone, right? Good. Anyway, she sees Alexander and Bitch Ghost dancing and then makes my heart break for her with this sad little face.

Poor little Harriet Potter. Also, the waltz that is playing totally reminds me of "Carol Anne's Theme" from the Poltergeist soundtrack. Anyway, Blossom is all depressed and stuff and carries Ghost Puppy into the house, where Connie Sue's cat sees him and all hell breaks loose, because that worked for the pilot episode of The Brady Bunch and Disney loves copying things. Also, I'm confused because everybody seems able to see the dog. Is the dog a ghost or not? I NEED ANSWERS! Needless to say, Mom is about ready to throw herself off a bridge because her little cotillion was ruined, until Miss Merryweather comes up to her and is all "It's alright dear, have a mint julep." I had a mint julep once. It was disgusting. Anyway.

Outside, Alexander goes off on Bitch Ghost because it was her and her stupid dog's fault that now he's in a bunch of trouble. He tells her to get lost and solve her own damn riddle because he's done with this whackness. Then when Bitch Ghost disappears he's all remorseful and cries "I'm sorryyyy!." *Sigh* Anyone got any Advil?

Anyway, Alexander goes out to the barn later to apologize to Bitch Ghost again. Unfortunately, this is also the exact moment Mr. Timmons shows up to exact his revenge for being fired by setting the barn on..um...fire. I see what they did there. Alexander escapes and is chased by Timmons into the same well that Bitch Ghost died in. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that she died in a well? She did. Anyway, now Alexander is unconscious at the bottom of a well. After briefly thinking that he died a horrible, fiery death, his family, Blossom, and the cops discover him in the well with the help of Possibly Not Ghost Dog. The well is crumbly and ready to cave in any second and Blossom volunteers to go down and fetch Alexander. And everyone lets her. Because why the hell not allow a child to enter a crumbling structure to rescue another child where there's a real possibility that they'll both be killed? I'll go with it.

Of course, her rope kind of breaks while she's down there and drops her further than intended, where what DO you think she finds? If you said the damn doll, congratulations. You get virtual cookies. The best part of this scene is when the kids make it back up and the cop assesses the situation with a confident "He's got a concussion." No need for a medical examination or anything. Eh, he's apparently fine because he's able to go gallivanting off to the cemetery later with Blossom to give Bitch Ghost her stupid doll. They are briefly detained by Mr. Timmons, who is still on the loose, but he turns himself in after being scared off by Bitch Ghost. Because he'd rather go to prison for arson and attempted child murder.

With Mr. Timmons squared away, the kids give Bitch Ghost her doll and she's all happy that she can go be a bitch in the hereafter now. She's so happy that she rewards the kids with a little something.

Those are diamonds. Because children would totally know what to do with diamonds. The movie doesn't tell us, but we can assume Alexander's mother takes all his to pay for fancy cotillion dresses and mint juleps.

I've Hit The Jackpot!

2011-09-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

The horror jackpot, that is. At a yard sale this weekend, my eyes did spy a big ol' box full of VHS tapes with a sign on it that said "Movies: 25 cents Each Or $10 for whole box." Normally that wouldn't be quite such a huge deal, BUT upon close inspection of the box's contents, I spotted quite a few horror titles that I hadn't seen in person in quite a few years. Judging by the stickers and stuff all over the cases, I suspect these were a case of a closed-down video store's stock being liquidated. So yes, I may now be the proud new owner of Batman and Robin and a second copy of Titanic, but I also scored, to name just a few, such titles as New Year's Evil, The House On Sorority Row, The Prowler, Blood Beach, Ruby, Children of the Corn 2, The Nesting, and Child of Glass. CHILD OF GLASS, people! Do you know how hard it is to find a copy of that? Apparently the people running this yard sale don't, or they wouldn't have been practically giving it away. So the upshot of all these words you're reading is that I now have plenty of material to keep this blog going forever and ever. Expect a recap as soon as I can get over my excitement long enough to figure out which movie to watch first.

"Is He Your Solid Fellar?" or Summer Of Fear (1977)

2011-06-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Yay, new post! I know that I post very, very infrequently. It's partly because I haven't seen any snark-worthy horror movies lately, but it's mostly because I'm lazy. I'm sorry. Love me anyway? Also, here is a picture of an adorable kitten to make up for it:

Now...I wasn't even aware that this movie existed until about a year ago, when me and a friend got bored and started watching The Exorcist together over Skype. I was getting up to refill my glass of iced tea and lemonade when I hear him say, "Hey, what was the name of that one movie with Linda Blair where there's a witch or something living in her house? I think it was a TV movie." I stopped dead in my tracks and immediately went "WHAT? I have no idea, but I need to find that movie. Like, now!" Because, seriously. Linda Blair, witches, and the low production value of a television movie? What was it, how did I not know of it, where could I get my hands on a copy, and would it be as epically shitty as Roller Boogie? A little Google-fu led me to this turdtastic masterpiece:
Also, it was directed by Wes Craven. Holy crap. This movie was practically made just for me.

We open on a car careening wildly around twists and curves until it stops in a literal blaze of glory, while a superimposed image of a chick in Halloween Express costume contacts sneers at it. We then meet up with our two stars: Linda Blair, and the dead poodle that's resting on her head.

For shame, Linda. I thought you were all about animal rights. Anyway, Linda plays Rachel. Rachel is a typical teenager. She has dead poodle hair, her own horse named Sundance, and a boyfriend who wears cowboy hats, so I guess life is just a big old bowl of cherries for her. Until one morning, when she wakes up and her parents are all "Your aunt and uncle have died in a car crash and your cousin is coming to live with us." Rachel is all "Yay, I haven't seen her since we were both in diapers!" and imagines that this will be like having a sister of her very own. The cousin, Julia, arrives and hates Sundance right off the bat. Ruh-roh.

Despite this, Rachel is kind of stoked about Julia's arrival. So much so that she invites her to share her bedroom, even offering to let her have the bed while Rachel sleeps on a futon, so they can be the bestest friends ever. Julia looks around the bedroom with a bewildered look on her face, probably wondering, as I am, why Rachel decorates her room with framed pictures of herself wearing bikinis. Then she picks up a picture of Rachel's boyfriend and asks, in her ridiculously exaggerated southern drawl, "Is he your solid fellar?"

After I unpause the movie following my 10 minute break to laugh my ass off over "solid fellar" (seriously, I think I broke a rib), Rachel tries to convince Julia to come to the stable and make friends with Sundance. Julia refuses. Somehow, I think this aversion to horses will be important. Rachel gives up and goes to brush the horse by herself, which is when we meet her brother, Peter, as he comes home from guitar practice or whatever. In a tone that is inappropriately flirtatious, considering that he is her BROTHER, Rachel asks Peter to
babysit Julia that night while she goes out on a date with her solid fellar. Peter's all "Hell to the no" and Rachel retorts, "But she's kinda prettyyyyy." That's gross, Rachel. Between you flirting with your brother and then implying that he will find Julia, his COUSIN, attractive, you are making me very uncomfortable.

Julia is late for dinner that night and comes out in a dress, and Rachel looks on as both Peter and her dad fawn over Julia as if she were not related to them or anything. Julia tells some story about superstitions in the Ozarks, where she's from, and Peter asks her if she had a boyfriend there. It's getting all VC Andrews up in there, seriously. Mike the solid fellar arrives for he and Rachel's date, and he too finds Julia hot, but at least he's not related to her. He and Rachel leave for their date, and Rachel remarks to him that it's really weird that Julia has such a pronounced southern accent, considering that she only spent her summers in Arkansas and went to school in Massachusetts the rest of the year. Odd indeed. Rachel goes on to make fun of Julia's clothing. Wow, Rachel. Earlier that morning you were prepared to be Julia's BFF and merely 8 hours later you're being a raging bitch. How nice. As a side note, she also found a tooth in Julia's luggage. Weird. Maybe.

The next morning, clearly deciding to be nice again, Rachel invites Julia for a day of shopping and Peter falls all over himself offering to drive them. Rachel's all "You never offered rides before" and Peter blushes and looks at Julia adoringly. Good lord, seriously? She's your cousin, hon. Rachel tells him they'll walk. She and Julia head off, stopping first to meet up with Rachel's best friend, Carolyn. Imagine my double take when Carolyn turns out to be freaking Nanny Fine.

Julia runs off by herself to perform a mysterious errand, and Rachel shoots the shit with Carolyn. Rachel excitedly tells Carolyn that Peter has a crush on Julia. AND NEITHER GIRL THINKS THIS IS ABNORMAL. Everyone in this movie is screwed up in the head. Just then, Julia returns from her errand, which was apparently to go get her own poodle hair, and Rachel and Carolyn are all "OMG you look awesome!" Julia says that she asked the salon to just make her look half as nice as Rachel, which is fucking hilarious, because Julia's poodle hair is styled nicely and looks way better than Rachel's Margaret White nightmare she's got going on.

On the way home, the girls conveniently run into Professor Jarvis, who is "the neighborhood expert on the occult." Really? I'm jealous. No neighborhood I have ever lived in had its own occult expert. Prof. Jarvis remarks that it's very intriguing indeed that Julia claims to not be originally from the Ozarks, because she totally for reals has the facial features of somebody from Arkansas. Julia looks uncomfortable at this and heads off with Carolyn while Rachel stays behind to talk to the professor. As Julia and Carolyn are walking along, Sundance escapes his pen and starts beating the ever loving crap out of Julia. For real. He even smashes the window of the car Julia scrambled into for safety with his hoof. After Sundance is corralled and it is determined that Julia only has an ankle sprain and is not deathly injured, Rachel's mother expresses her misgivings over whether Rachel ought to be able to keep the horse. Then she tells her that she can't go out with Carolyn tonight because she needs to stay home and entertain Julia. And Rachel is all:
Mom tells her to stfu and obey. Rachel stalks off to her room, where she sees her dad tending to Julia's sprain and Julia telling him that he has "Such gentle hands, Uncle Tom," and the dad tells her to just call him Tom. Sick. Later that night, Dad informs Rachel that Sundance either gets boarded or he gets sold, and Peter says the horse ought to be shot. Rachel points out that Sundance never was violent toward anybody but Julia, so can't she just, you know, stay away from him instead? And Dad and Peter get all pissy because they both have boners for Julia and Rachel can just go die in a fire for all they care. Or something.

Julia continues to slowly take over the whole family over the next few weeks. One day, as she is busy giving Rachel's dad a massage (seriously), Rachel stalks out of her room wearing what I at first thought was a bath towel, and then realized in horror was her dress for the country club dance the next night. Holy shit, look at it:

As it turns out, Rachel agrees that her dress is fugly, because she's whining like a 4 year old about it. And it's her own fault, because she made it. Haha. Whatever is she going to do? It doesn't really matter, because she wakes up the next morning with a gross rash all over her face. So, no dance for you, Rachel. So sorry. That would be sadder if I liked you more. To add insult to injury, literally, Peter comes waltzing in the room and asks Rachel if she'll be a doll and let Julia go to the dance with Mike the solid fellar, because he (Peter) really wants her to be there to hear him play the guitar. *Eyeroll* And while we're already pissing all over Rachel's hopes and dreams, let's throw in the fact that Julia is not only taking Rachel's boyfriend to the dance, she also takes her bath towel dress and uses some evil sorcery (probably literally) to make it look...well, less like a bath towel, anyway. This whole family sucks. A lot.

So, while Julia is at the dance, Rachel starts snooping through her shit. She discovers some used matches, a lock of her own hair in Julia's wastebasket, and what looks like either a giant penis or a dead meerkat embryo with Sundance's hair glued onto it. Hmmm. What does it all mean? Rachel worries that Julia has killed Sundance, but no, he's fine. Curiouser and curiouser.

Hours later, Julia and Mike still have not returned home. Peter comes home and is all butthurt as he whines to Rachel that Julia and Mike were so into each other all night that Julia never even noticed him play his guitar. Seriously dude, you are pouting over YOUR COUSIN, OMFG. GET THE HELL OVER IT. IF YOU SHARE DNA, IT'S NOT OK. Rachel is butthurt as well. Who does that bitch Julia think she is, getting all up in Mike's business like that? Whore.

The next day is the day of the big horse show (of course it is), and Rachel's face herpes has magically cleared up overnight (of course it has). She confronts Mike at the show, and he's all "Sorry, I like your cousin better. Have a nice life." Bwahaha. Then, as she is riding Sundance, the horse loses his shit, goes crazy, and breaks his leg. And some horse doctor appears and kills him because you can't fix a broken horse leg. Or something. Is that really a thing? Do they really kill horses when they break a leg? Seems harsh. Poor Sundance.

And so the summer marches on. Rachel is increasingly becoming the red haired stepchild of the family, because everyone just effing loves Julia so very much. Julia has taken over her family, her boyfriend, even Carolyn, and Rachel spends her days seething in fury. She complains loudly and often, and Peter is like "You're sooooo jealous." Shut up, Peter. Just shut the hell up. Rachel goes to Professor Jarvis for advice and he gives her a bunch of books on witchcraft, from which Rachel learns that animals are super duper awesome at detecting a witch in their midst. The horse, you will not be at all surprised to learn, is the most super duper awesome at this. Hmmmmm. Rachel tries in vain to convince her parents that Julia is a witch, and they're like "Shut up and go to your room." They also suggest that perhaps that room ought to now be half her younger brother's room, because Julia should have Rachel's whole bedroom to herself. Because it's freaking Julia and she's all rainbows and unicorn toots and Rachel is a pile of dog shit. Or at least, that was the summary of what they said. Hope Rachel has a Plan B.

She does. And it sucks. She confronts Julia about being a witch and is all "I found all your weird witchy shit and I'm gonna get Professor Jarvis to back me up, beyotch." That last part was probably a mistake, since later that day Professor Jarvis turns up comatose. I'm shocked. Not. So, now he is incapacitated and unable to help her. Rachel heads back to the old witchcraft books and learns that a witch is vulnerable when she is sleeping. Good to know. Rachel sneaks up on Julia that night while she sleeps, but does nothing except steal her mail, which Julia had ripped up and threw in the garbage. Odd.

From the letter she has pieced together with scotch tape, Rachel learns that Julia was supposed to visit some chick named Mary over the summer. Conveniently, Mary left her phone number, so Rachel calls her and learns that Julia is, like, super wonderful and is involved in lots of causes for the good of man, and is even president of the glee club.

Then Carolyn calls and is all "Professor Jarvis is conscious, get your ass over here!" Rachel does, and Jarvis tells her that if Julia is indeed a witch, taking her photograph will result in a picture of nothing. because apparently witches are like vampires and don't show up in pictures or mirrors. Um, what? There's been like 700 instances in the past 30 minutes alone where Julia is seen preening herself in mirrors. Whatever. Sure, why not. Conveniently, Rachel's mother is a professional photographer and needs some boy-girl modeling shots like NOW, and Rachel is all "Make Julia and Mike do it." I see what you did there, Rachel. She also tries, again, to convince her mom that Julia is a witch of the Bellatrix Lestrange kind and not the Hermione Granger kind, and her mom is all *SLAP*.

Burn. That night, Mom goes down to the kitchen and sees her husband and Julia feeding each other grapes, and SERIOUSLY, WTF HELL? What the hell is wrong with Wes Craven? Seriously, I feel like I really do need an answer. So Mom asks him if he's sure he isn't paying just a tad too much inappropriate attention to Julia, and his response is basically "No. Go to sleep, crazy lady." This movie is whack.

The next morning, Rachel finds that Mom has gone alone on a photography trip. And there's a map under Julia's bed with Mom's hair on it. And Dad is helping Julia try on Mom's clothing. Seriously, I don't even know anymore. Rachel takes it upon herself to develop the film from yesterday and, as expected, Julia does not appear. Rachel barely has time to contemplate this when Julia bursts in and starts beating the crap out of her, while revealing that the real Julia died in the car accident along with her parents and that Julia's body has been inhabited by the evil psycho housekeeper all this time. Sure, ok.

We end where we began, with the careening car shit and Julia's face superimposed over it. Only, I guess the car was really Mom's car all along? And there's a car chase thrown in with Julia in one car and Rachel and Mike in another. It's all very lame. To make a long story short, Rachel and Mike save Mom and run Julia's car off a cliff, which was the blazing car we saw at the beginning, I assume. There's a big family hug fest, and Dad buys Rachel a pony to replace Sundance. Yay.

Oh, and by the way, Julia isn't dead. She's working as a nanny now to a little girl who, we can assume, will probably be killed at some point so that Julia can take over her body and try again to do whatever the hell it was she was trying to accomplish. The end.

That was a painful experience, and yet strangely fulfilling. See you next time.

"Miiiicaaaaaah!" or Paranormal Activity (2009)

2011-03-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well hell, this recap is damn late. Fun fact: I started writing this in January right before getting the mother of all flu viruses and being pretty much confined to bed for 3 weeks. Know what there is to do when you don't have the energy to leave your bed? Nothing. Nothing but watch Lifetime movies set the women's movement back 100 years. But anyway...
Paranormal Activity. The Blair Witch Project of the new millennium. Is it scary? Yes, the first time you see it. Does it hold up well after multiple viewings? Sort of. Do its flaws stand out like a clown in church after it's been played five hundred times on cable and you keep it on as background noise while you work? Hell yes. I've absolutely been itching to recap this one for quite awhile. Now that it's been out for awhile, the sequel has just hit DVD, and the second sequel is arriving in theaters this fall, I think enough people have seen it so that a good recap can be appreciated by everybody.

So, Paranormal Activity is the story of Micah and Katie, a young couple in what I assume is their early 20s, who have oodles of time to hang around in their multi-million dollar mansion all day. So, right away we're heading onto the last train to Suspended Disbeliefville, population 2, even before the ghostly stuff starts. The movie explains this away by saying that Micah is a day trader, despite spending a grand total of 2 minutes of screen time actually "working". He must make most of his money by being a full time asshole, as will be evidenced by his behavior throughout this entire movie. Katie is a student majoring in Never Going To Class Ever. The movie opens by informing you that they're both already dead and that this movie is home video footage that was found in their house. Thanks for killing the suspense in less than 2 seconds, title card!

Cut to Katie arriving home (probably NOT from class) in her Nice Ass Car™ and asking Micah how much money he spent on the top of the line video camera he is currently shoving in her face. Micah replies that he spent half of all the money he made that day. Holy. Shit. Where do I apply for that job? Anyway. The purpose of the camera is for them to document the paranormal activity (see what I did there?) that has been plaguing them in the house for the past few weeks. Micah makes the obligatory douchey jokes about the camera going in the bedroom and talks to it as if it were a child, and I gleefully start the countdown to his death. He and Katie hang out for a bit and she hears a creepy noise that turns out to be the ice maker. Totally scary!
Before they go to bed that night, they set up the camera on a tripod across from their bed to capture the magic, as it were. They sleep with their bedroom door open, which I find really odd, as nobody I know who is over the age of 10 does that. Anyhoodle, this begins night numero uno. The footage fast forwards a few hours to 2 a.m., when a loud rumbling noise can now be heard inside the bedroom. Something rattles downstairs a few seconds later. That's it. Are we shaking in our boots yet? The next morning, Katie heads downstairs to make breakfast for her man and discovers her car keys have been tossed onto the kitchen floor, which she accuses Micah of doing. Really? Do you know many people who make it a habit to randomly toss others' belongings on the floor, Katie? Because if you do, it may be time to make some new friends.

Aaaaaaanyway, Katie has made an appointment for a psychic to stop by the house today and give her his opinion about what may be going on in the house, and he is late. Micah, being a smartass, makes a crack about how a psychic should be able to predict traffic jams and leave earlier. Then he makes the same lame joke when the psychic shows up. Shut up, Micah. Just shut your stupid mouth. Basically, this whole scene with the psychic exists to shove exposition down our throats. We learn that Katie used to experience ghostly happenings as a kid before her childhood home was destroyed by a fire. Then she gives him a tour of the house and explains the various scratchings, whispers, and creakings that have been going on lately. The psychic concludes that this is all probably demon activity because it's been following her since childhood, that the video camera is most likely pissing it off, and that he doesn't deal with this shit. He gives her the phone number of a demonologist before peacing out. Micah, being an asshole, forbids Katie to call the demonologist, because what does it say about the size of his manhood if he can't control a damn demon infestation in his own house? Micah aint afraid of no ghosts. Er...demons. Whatever.
That night, the video camera captures their bedroom door swinging back and forth. Yay. Micah reviews the footage the next morning and asks Katie if she can do something to make the demon come back, apparently ignoring the part where Katie says that it scares her and she doesn't want to. Later, he hears her scream bloody murder while he's jamming on his guitar, but he makes sure to take the time to grab the camera before running to see what's going on. Micah, I hate you. So very much. Anyway, this turns out to be a false scare, because Katie just saw a spider in the bathroom. Continuing his mission to the biggest tool who ever lived, Micah crows on and on that night about how fuck-awesome it is that he's captured rare demon activity on film, while Katie is all "Great, but it's after ME you dipshit," and pleads with him to promise that he'll knock off the video camera shit if the activity gets any worse, which he agrees to. Yeah, right. I believe your word like I believe in the Easter Bunny, Micah.

The movie now skips ahead to Night #5, in which Katie does that stupid movie thing where someone has a nightmare and they wake up and immediately sit bolt upright in bed. Who the hell does that? Nobody, because it's physically impossible. Try it. Go lay down on your bed and try to quickly sit upright. Go on, I'll wait. It was difficult, right? Now imagine doing it when you're still half asleep. It can't be done. Anyway, then she and Micah hear a loud noise downstairs. I hope it's the demon screwing around with Micah's expensive computer equipment, preferably downloading porn from only the shadiest corners of the internet so that the hard drive becomes riddled with viruses that can only be removed by fire. Unfortunately, the next morning his computer is fine. Damn. He reviews the footage and suggests to Katie that maybe they should buy a Ouija board to communicate with the demon, because Micah is a stupid ass-waffle. Katie shoots this down and makes him promise that he won't do that.
Skipping ahead to Night #13, Micah notes that there has not been any significant demon activity in about a week. So naturally, he goes around the house calling out to the demon and saying shit like "You're worthless nyah nyah nyah." STFU, MICAH. DAMN. That's just going to piss it off again, you ass. Sure enough, that night they are awakened to the sound of a loud growl and a bang. They go downstairs and discover the chandelier swinging away. Good job, Micah. You douche. Katie once again asks him to please stop with the camera and he once again ignores her, telling her they NEED to document this and that it's fun. The eye-rolling. It is beginning to hurt.

On Night #15, the camera captures Katie getting out of bed, where she stands and stares down at Micah for 2 hours. This is probably not demonic activity as much as much as it is her thinking dark, murderous thoughts about what a douche nozzle he is. Then she leaves the room and sits outside on the porch swing in a trance for awhile before going back to bed with no recollection of what just happened. Naturally, when she sees the footage the next morning she's freaked out and really wants to call that demonologist, and Micah still won't let her. Micah needs a kick in the ass with a spiked boot, especially for what he does next, which is bring a Ouija board into the house. Katie, of course, is all "WTF, you promised you wouldn't," to which Micah replies calmly that he promised he wouldn't BUY a board, not that he wouldn't BORROW one. Really? REALLY? There are no words to adequately describe the amount of asswipery going on here. Katie is understandably pissed and storms out of the house, with Micah not far behind her, leaving the Ouija unattended in full view of the camera, which is when this happens:
When they get home, Micah has the balls of steel to ask Katie to help him decipher the message that is now burned into the board. She replies by kicking him out of the bedroom for the night. HAHAHA. Terrific. Teeerific. She lets him back in it only after making him swear (on camera) that he will never ever betray her trust again. Mmm-hmm. You still put faith in what that assclown says, Katie? You're a foolish kind of chick. Anyway, Micah is on his own as far as figuring out what the Ouija board is trying to tell him. My guess would be "Douchebag," but apparently it says "Diane." Hmmm. Who's Diane? Nobody knows. It's not important right now anyway, because Micah has come up with another stupid plan to try in place of calling the damn demonologist. *Siiigh* He's going to pour powder all over the floor upstairs and see if the demon leaves footprints. Um...this helps how, exactly? I fail to see how this whole situation is any better now that they know the demon has chicken feet.
Micah and Katie follow the chicken prints to the upstairs storage closet, where they discover that the attic door on the ceiling is ajar. Well. Chickens do have wings, you know. Micah goes up there and finds a picture of Katie at 8 years old, which is singed around the edges, which is very weird indeed, because all her childhood pictures were lost in that house fire we heard about earlier. Katie finally grows a pair and is all "Screw this, I'm calling the demonologist." And she does, ignoring Micah's whining in the background that they need to discuss it first. STFU, Micah. Unfortunately, the demonologist is out of town. Figures. Night falls yet again, and the demon steps it up a notch by making a bunch of loud bangs instead of just one like it usually does, concluding by slamming their bedroom door. Then it scratches the hell out of Micah's face in a photograph on the wall. Because the demon hates Micah as much as I do.
Since she was unable to reach the demonologist, Katie asks the same psychic guy from before to come back and help. He takes three steps inside the house and is all "I can't stay in here, the demon is pissed. Peace." Well, that was extremely unhelpful. Even more unhelpful is when Micah finally figures out that Diane of the Ouija board had all of the same stuff happen to her in the 60s that is happening to Katie now. That's very interesting, Micah, but it doesn't exactly help the situation, now does it? Skipping ahead to Night #20, Katie gets pulled out of bed by an unseen force and dragged downstairs. Shit's getting real now, so they make plans to leave the house for awhile. Before they can leave, however, Katie goes into another trance and is all "We should stay." Whatever you say.

So, Night #21. Katie repeats the whole "get out of bed, stare at Micah, leave the room" bit from earlier. This time, she screams from downstairs and Micah comes running (for once leaving the camera). A struggle is heard, and then footsteps come a-walkin' up the stairs slowly. And then suddenly, Micah's dead body is thrown quite forcefully at the camera. Hold on, I need to celebrate.
Ahem. Anyway, Katie comes walking into the room after the Great Corpse Toss, covered in Micah's blood, a sight which did bring a tear of joy to my eye. What? He should have let her call the damn demonologist when all this crap started happening. He got what he deserved. Possessed-By-The-Demon Katie smiles creepily, then lunges at the camera. A short written epilogue explains that Micah's body was found a few days later, and that nobody knows where Katie is. Roll credits.
And there you have it. If anyone has any suggestions for what I should recap next, I'm all ears.

"Jodie Is...What's The Word..Dead" or The Amityville Horror (2005)

2010-09-17T00:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know. I've been promising this recap for, like, a hundred years. Unfortunately, real life has been flaring in a huge way over the past week, and so I really, truly didn't have a spare moment to work on the blog. But enough about that, let's get to recapping us some bad horror movies! Isn't that the reason you came here?

So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.

This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!

And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.

Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.

So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?

The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.

So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.

Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.

It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!

Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.

Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.

Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.

Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.

A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.

Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.

George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.

Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?

While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.

The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.

Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.

To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.

GAH!

2010-09-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

Well, guys, I did have a recap ready to go for today (Amityville Horror, the remake, aka the stuff snark was friggin' made of). Unfortunately, Blogger decided to be a cruel bitch as I was trying to add pictures to my post and, as a result, I lost the whole damn thing. Still not sure how exactly that happened, but such is life. Soooooo, I'm going to be working on rewriting it from my copious notes when I can find a few minutes here and there, and it should be done within a few days.

'The Exorcist' In Theaters? Yes, Please!

2010-08-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, whilst browsing the internet the other day, I came across the most wonderful piece of news ever. Which is to say, The Exorcist is being re-released into theaters nationwide for one night only at the end of September. Holy mother of shit. Granted, it's the Version You've Never Seen That You've Actually Seen A Million Times, but still. I was too young to go see it the last time it was re-released, so I am all over this.

Recaps are a-comin'. Within the week, hopefully. Stay tuned.

"She Burned Her Hands On A Cold Window!" or Audrey Rose (1977)

2010-07-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing we know about the 1970s, it's that, following the success of The Exorcist, Hollywood couldn't churn out more Supernatural Child movies fast enough. Audrey Rose, although it positively reeks of post-Exorcist possession mania, is not actually a bad film. Far from it, actually. It's not excellent, but it's not horrible either. It was, after all, directed by Robert Wise, a horror legend for his 1963 masterpiece, The Haunting. Not to mention The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But, just because the movie has a few things going for it, does not mean that there isn't plenty to snark on. Behold, the poster:

Suitably creepy, I guess. I could do without the little Brooke Shields drawing above the title because it looks kind of random compared to the rest of the poster, but it's ok.

We open on a cold, rainy day, when the titular Audrey Rose and her mother are killed after their car crashes and catches on fire. Eleven years later, we are introduced to the family that we will be watching for the next two hours: Janice and Bill Templeton and their daughter, Ivy. Ivy Templeton, by the way, is one of the most irritating children I have ever seen on film. And it's not really because the character herself is annoying. Well, she is, kind of, but not especially so. No, what makes her REALLY irritating is the fact that the little girl playing her quite obviously got "acting" confused with "whining constantly and making stupid faces."

So anyway, the Templetons are enjoying a fine day of family fun in Central Park, riding bikes and feeding baby seals out of their hands and laughing gaily as they chase balloons together, and I half expect everybody to join hands and engage in a chorus of "It's A Wonderful Day For Pie." I think I just got brain diabetes from all that sugary sweetness. They're having so much wholesome fun that they don't notice the strange bearded fellow who has been stalking them wherever they go all day.

Creeptastic! They go home and Janice develops the 5,948 pictures she took of Ivy's smiling mug that day. She gazes at these pictures adoringly with a sickeningly sweet grin, and I have a feeling that, were this movie set in the present day, Janice would be posting every last one of them on Facebook. And then she would get all offended when nobody commented on them because nobody has time to sit and go through them all. Because they have lives. Ahem.

Janice goes to pick up Ivy from school the next day, and whaddya know? Bearded Man is there looking all suspicious and stuff. And then he follows them home, which is....yeah. Ivy goes on and on about some chick at school who she thinks is a big fat liar because she said she got her period already. Ivy, you're a bitch and nobody cares. Bill comes home and, as Janice gets to work making his martini like a good little '70s housewife, he visits with Ivy. Ivy thinks they should buy Janice a camera that's full of "little dinkys," and I really don't care.

That night, as Janice and Bill are entertaining some friends, Ivy has what I assume is a nightmare, but which sounds more like a hot sex dream, judging by the amount of moaning and panting going on. Janice checks up on her and Ivy tries to angle for a day off school the next day by claiming she doesn't feel well. Janice informs her that she doesn't have a fever or anything, really, to indicate that she's sick, but that she may stay home from school anyway. Because Janice is an enabler. She tries to voice her concerns about Bearded Man to Bill before she turns in for bed, but Bill is already snoring away. Men.

No matter, because Bill has already noticed Bearded Man and his creepy stalking behavior. In particular, he has noticed that Bearded Man seems to enjoy loitering outside of Ivy's school. Bill tries to complain to the police, who are all "Sorry, can't help ya." Since Bearded Man has not actually made physical contact with any of the Templetons, the police can't legally charge him with anything. So, he is free to be creepy for another day. A freedom he exercises by calling Janice at home and asking why Ivy wasn't in school, and later sending her a new purse on top of the groceries Bill brought home. Ivy thinks Bill got her the purse, but seriously, when gifts become involved, this is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY and ass needs to start being kicked, whether any laws have technically been broken or not. That night gives us the first blatant Exorcist homage shot, wherein Ivy lies in bed with her eyes open, staring blankly.

The next morning, Janice checks the mail to discover that Bearded Man has sent them a newspaper clipping containing a short biography of himself. They now know his name (Elliot Hoover), but not much else that would explain why he's creepily stalking their 11 year old. Janice and Bill discuss the clipping over lunch, which cuts awkwardly to a scene of Janice having a fainting spell in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason. Seriously, there's no explanation for it and it's never mentioned again. Because of it, Janice arrives at Ivy's school to pick her up and finds it completely empty. Running like a lunatic through the streets, she runs right into Elliot Hoover, who, quite politely, informs her that he not at all creepily helped Ivy across the street after school. Janice tears into the apartment and shakes the hell out of Ivy for following a stranger. Ivy whines and they both dissolve into dramatic bitch tears. The amount of scenery being chewed is astonishing and we're only half an hour in.

That night, Elliot Hoover calls the Templetons and begs them to let him explain himself. Yay. They agree and meet a freshly beardless Elliot at a nearby restaurant, where he tells them a long, convoluted, boring story involving psychics and shit, the short version of which goes like this: His wife and daughter (Audrey Rose) died in a fiery car crash 11 years ago/A psychic told him his daughter was still alive/He believes that Ivy is the reincarnation of her. Totally credible! This little meeting is interrupted when Janice and Bill receive a call from Ivy's babysitter telling them to come home right away because Ivy is having another ~~sex dream~~ nightmare. Could this have something to do with her possession/reincarnation/whatever? Could Hoover be right? THE MIND BOGGLES!

Bill meets with a lawyer friend of his to ask what can be done about Hoover and his ridiculous theories. The lawyer suggests that he invite Hoover over to the apartment and ask him a series of questions in order to get some evidence to build a case against him. Bill does so, with the lawyer hiding on the stairs as a witness. Turns out Hoover can't actually verify any of his story because all the psychics he talked to are dead or something. I dunno. I kind of checked out because it was yet another long and boring Oscar Bait monologue. He tells the Templetons about his time in India, where reincarnation is apparently a widespread belief. He also confirms that Audrey Rose's date and time of death coincides almost exactly with Ivy's time of birth.

In the midst of all this, Ivy walks out into the upstairs hallway and starts freaking out and having a flailing, screaming, waking nightmare while banging on the windows. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Given the acting skills of this kid, it looks more like a 4 year old's tantrum over not being allowed a cookie before supper.

But, I digress. Everyone tries to calm her down, but only Elliot Hoover is successful. He calls her "Audrey Rose" and gives her a hug. This father-daughter reunion, such as it may be, calms Ivy down enough for her to be put back to bed. Bill is pissed that this guy and his charming British accent could calm her down so quickly when he could not. He starts to beat the crap out of Elliot, but stops and just tells him to get the fuck out and don't let the door hit him in the ass. Meanwhile, Janice has noticed something quite odd and troubling about Ivy. It seems she has burned her hands quite severely. When she points this out to Bill, he's all "Must have been the radiator." Janice retorts, with dramatics that would make a 1930's studio star proud, that Ivy wasn't anywhere near the radiator and that her hands were burned on the cold, rainy windows. She also points out that Ivy's nightmares always seems to occur around her birthday (death day?). Bill is like "Bitch, you's crazy," and the topic is dropped.

The next night, Ivy gives her Linda Blair impression another shot (and still fails...miserably so). Janice was smart this time and thought to put a screen in front of Ivy's window. Unfortunately, she neglected to safeguard the stairs, the tables, the lamps, the curtains, and most of the other furniture in the apartment, so Ivy instead crashes into all of those things like a little crack monkey. Bill isn't home, so when the doorman rings and informs Janice that Elliot is in the lobby, she sends him on up. He calls her "Audrey Rose" again. and Ivy makes the ugliest cry face I have ever seen on anybody, ever. Behold:

This is by far the most frightening thing in the movie, for reals. Anyway, Elliot calms her down while Janice sits in the corner and prays. When Ivy has been put back to bed, Janice and Elliot discuss just what the hell is going on here. Elliot theorizes that Ivy is in danger because of the whole "having another person's traumatized soul inside her" thing. If they don't find a way to set Audrey Rose's soul free from Ivy's body, he says, Ivy could totally die. Then he launches into another drawn out speech about the stuff he learned in India about reincarnation. Janice seems to be starting to believe.

When Bill gets home, he is none too pleased to hear that Elliot has been there again. He bitches Janice out, to which she replies "You weren't here, waah waah waah, bitch bitch bitch!" At least, that's what it sounded like to me. The level of hysterics she displays here are truly impressive. Bill decides not to argue and vows to be home more.

The nightmares and freakouts continue unabated. Elliot shows up one night in the middle of a particularly nasty episode for Ivy, and Bill goes absolutely apeshit and starts beating the fuck out of him. The two men have a hilarious brawl in the hallway while people in neighboring apartments step outside their doors and watch, looking only mildly perturbed. Elliot breaks free and barricades himself inside the Templeton's apartment. The po'po arrive and get the door open to discover that Elliot and Ivy are gone. He has taken her up to the apartment he has recently rented on the 8th floor. Hey, whatever makes stalking and kidnapping more convenient for ya. He is, of course, promptly arrested.

Which brings us to the courtroom drama portion of our tale, wherein it must be proven whether or not reincarnation exists. Because I am a total nerd, I notice right off the bat that the judge presiding over Elliot's trial is the same guy who played the psychiatrist in the episode of The Golden Girls where the girls were all pissed at each other and considering moving out. Yay for being a TV junkie! Ahem. Anyway.

While Elliot is being put on trial, Ivy has been sent to a Catholic boarding school. She and some other students are walking in a circle, chanting while some kind of big-ass snowman is being built. I have no idea what that's about, but it sort of reminds me of The Wicker Man. One nasty little snot stops chanting long enough to call Ivy a freak. Cut to the headmistress showing Janice a newspaper confiscated from a student that contains the reincarnation trial story. Oh dear. Janice keeps Ivy overnight at a hotel and they have a heart to heart. Janice wants to take Ivy home and Ivy protests because the Sylvester, the Wicker Snowman, is going to be crowned soon, and dammit, she isn't going to miss it. Uuuum....ok? They discuss reincarnation some, and Ivy waxes poetic about how awesome it would be if everyone would live forever and ever and never die. Shut up, Ivy. If that were to happen, parking spaces would disappear really fast and then Black Friday would suck even more ass than it already does. Embrace the circle of life. Anyway, they go to bed and Janice awakens in the middle of the night to find Ivy standing in front of the bathroom mirror, whispering the name Audrey Rose to herself over and over. And, ok, that is a little bit freaky.

We then segue into some more courtroom scenes, which are really boring so I'm just going to gloss over them. The main thing that happens is that the driver of the car that crashed into Audrey Rose and her mother's car gives testimony and it's really depressing. So yay for more of Ivy's new school! Their evil looking snowman is being crowned in the middle of a bonfire while the children dance and chant something about "Old Man Winter." Except for Ivy, who is entranced by the fire, so much so that she crawls right into it. The headmistress sees this dire situation from an upper story window and nearly yells herself hoarse trying to get the attention of the nun in charge of supervising the Crowning Of The Snowman. The supervising nun is in la-la land and therefore completely oblivious to both Ivy getting up close and personal with the bonfire and the headmistress yelling like a banshee about it. Somebody needs to get demoted.

Ivy is rushed to the hospital to treat her burned face. Bill is furious and asks why the hell there was a bonfire at school in the first place. Good question. Ivy whines like a little bitch and is all "Whyyyyyy did I do that Daddyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" The drawn out syllables are not for dramatic effect here, that's totally how she says it. Meanwhile, Janice is called to the witness stand at Elliot's trial, and her testimony boils down to that she totally believes in reincarnation and that Elliot should be set free because he is Ivy's only hope. Yay.

In light of this, the prosecution develops a radical idea. They will put Ivy under a special hypnosis in order to determine if she remembers anything from a previous life. Even though such a test has never actually been attempted before. Wow, there's NO WAY this can go wrong. Janice is vehemently opposed to this nonsense. Unfortunately, Bill has already agreed and Ivy has been sweet talked into agreeing to it as well. So, hypnosis it shall be.

Ivy is led into a room with a one way mirror with the hypnotist while Elliot, Bill, Janice, and some doctors and court officials watch from the other side. The hypnotist starts the whole "You're getting sleepy, close your eyes" bit, and it takes for freaking ever for her to finally shut her damn eyes. It goes on for so long, in fact, that I am tempted to close MY eyes out of boredom. Anyway, once she's under, she is told to revert back to her 8th birthday party. Then her 4th birthday, where she says something about her cake being homemade and then whines something incoherent. Seriously, I rewound the movie about 5 times and absolutely could not determine what she's crying about. Then she reverts to being a baby. And then, the hypnotist tells her to go back to a time "BEFORE you were BORN." That phrase is apparently this movie's answer to "The power of Christ compels you," because it repeated approximately 76,947 times. Ivy is indeed able to revert to BEFORE she was BORN, because she starts screaming and re-enacting Audrey Rose's death. Complete with choking on smoke and everything.

Seeing that this could potentially have nasty results, the hypnotist quickly attempts to awaken her. For a minute, it seems he has succeeded. However, Ivy goes right back to screaming and choking until she collapses, lifeless, onto the floor. Oops. Good job, Bill. You insisting she go under hypnosis has killed her. You know, again.

Several months later, Janice writes a letter to Elliot thanking him for taking Ivy's ashes to India. Ok, then. The camera pans over Ivy's baby pictures as Janice narrates her letter. She makes no mention of whether or not she has kicked Bill's ass to the curb after he essentially killed their kid, but that's what happened in my noodle. Roll credits.

Stay tuned for next time, when we recap the crap out of The Amityville Horror '05!

Posts Forthcoming!

2010-07-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I have finally found some spare time to do another recap, so yay. Expect it within the week.

"Oh My God, It's Hank From I Can Do Better!" or The Stepford Wives (2004)

2010-04-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

The 2004 redux of The Stepford Wives is full of fail and stupid, possesses a jaw-droppingly bad script, and is, without a doubt, the worst excuse for a remake ever, in any genre. It's also kind of a stretch to call it horror. I mean, it's pretty horrible, yes. But it's also not technically a genre film." But alas, the original was a horror film, and so here we are.
You may notice that some bitchin' shades* have been placed over Nicole Kidman's eyes on the poster there. Why, you ask? Because I didn't like the way they were looking at me, and to look upon them creeped me out. Creeped ME out. Google the poster and look at them if you want. Go on, I'll wait.

OMG, did you see? Did you see the way she's trying to suck out your very soul with those eyes? Now picture THOSE EYES on a 15 foot tall cardboard standee. Yeah.

Moving on. For a movie with such a big name cast, this really feels like fifteen chimpanzees wrote it in sections. I really would love to know what kind of dirt the producers of this turkey had on Nicole for her to agree to even appear in it, much less star. Clearly, she must have run over a busload of babies and puppies, and Paramount knew about it, but Paramount isn't just gonna keep it to Paramount's self. Maybe you star in this here remake picture, maybe this all disappears. *Takes deep breath, stops stealing jokes from Family Guy*

Seriously, there's no other possible explanation. Girlfriend had just won an Oscar recently for The Hours, and she followed up that performance with THIS? Not to mention Bette Midler, Glenn Close...Christopher Walken, for God's sake. I mean, what the hell. WHAT the HELL? Perhaps I should stop ranting and start recapping so that you may finally see the true meaning of the word "atrocity."

The Stepford Wives begins with an opening credits sequence set to clips of 1950s women doing 1950s women things. Cooking, cleaning, marveling over the efficiency of their new oven as they bake delicious muffins, and so on and so forth. This fades out to show an assembly of some sort in which Joanna Eberhart (Nicole) is presenting to an excited audience the new fall lineup of her television network, EBS. This basically consists of cheesy reality show parodies, culminating in a contestant from a cheating spouse show called 'I Can Do Better' showing up in person and attempting to shoot Joanna for ruining his life. This is an understandable thing to do, as we are only 10 minutes in and Joanna is effing irritating already. Seriously, she isn't even phased that she just narrowly escaped a bullet in her generously botoxed face. That is, until she is informed that the bad publicity this will undoubtedly generate for the network means that she is fired. Oh no you didn't!
Oh, yes they did. Also, the camera focuses on that exact shot for like 5 minutes, making me want to squirm and look away. Joanna ends up in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, where she is visited by her husband, Walter. Walter is played by Matthew Broderick, who is one of the only cast members I would actually expect to be in a movie like this, seeing as how he hasn't done much of interest since 1986, The Producers excepted. Walter tells Joanna that she has his undying love and support in much the same way he might read off items on a grocery list. As he proves time and time again, Matthew's monotone line delivery is matched by few on earth.

Joanna admits that she may have indeed become a ball busting bitch in the years since she started her career, and that perhaps Hank from 'I Can Do Better' was right to try to lodge a bullet in her brain. Walter doesn't exactly dispute this, much to my amusement. Anyway, the next scene has Joanna, Walter, and their two inconsequential children in the car on the way to Stepford, Connecticut to begin life anew. Great. They arrive at their new house and are greeted by Claire, the realtor (Glenn Close, clearly cashing a paycheck here).

Claire, demonic smile pasted onto her face in every shot, shows the family around their new house and points out all the fuckawesome features it possesses, including a talking refrigerator and a robotic dog fresh from the computer of some guy in the CGI department. The very next morning, Joanna awakes to find the entire house is already furnished with only the finest Ikea. Totally not weird. She then meets up with Claire at the Simply Stepford Day Spa, where she is introduced to the town's wives. Something is not quite right with these ladies, as Joanna can clearly see, since they are exercising in dresses and pearls. Like Stepford Wives, as it were. Not gonna lie though, I would totally wear their dresses. Take a look at how purdy they are.

Anyway, in one of the most horrific things I have ever seen on screen ever, Claire leads the Wives in their daily exercise routine, where they pretend to be washing machines. Washing machines with two left feet.

Meanwhile, Walter has found his way to the Stepford Men's Association, where all the town's husbands gather 'round to relax from the jobs they don't have, drink beer, and bet each other on stupid things, as men are apparently wont to do in the Stepford universe. Several disembodied hands wave from the doorway and encourage him to come on in and join the menfolk. Cut to the Stepford 4th of July picnic. Everybody is there, decked out in their Stepford best. Joanna and Walter arrive with the kids and are swarmed by four Stepford Wives, who make suggestive comments regarding how well Walter fills out his pants. Gross.

Enter Bobbi Markowitz and her husband, Dave. Bobbi is an author and a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Joanna recognizes Bobbi from the cover of her book, and Walter and Dave are apparently already acquainted with each other via the Men's Association. Friendships are formed. We meet our last main character in the form of Roger, who is a living, breathing example of every stereotype you've ever heard about gay men. This seems to be too much for his boyfriend, Jerry, who is a stern sort of fellow and wishes Roger would tone it down. Oy. Conveniently, both Joanna and Bobbi know of Roger, as he is a big shot architect in NYC, and he knows of them. And so, our plucky trio of protagonists is complete. The three are having a fine time bitching together about how totally lame Stepford is, when Claire and a giant megaphone interrupt. It's time for some Stepford Square Dancin'.

I'm starting to think I'm going to need a glass or two of spiked lemonade to get through this movie. Where was I? Oh yeah, square dancing. Yay. All the Stepfordians are totes into it. Naturally, our sardonic trio spend the whole time looking around disdainfully. They're from New York, dammit. They shouldn't have to witness something so stupid as square dancing. Apparently sensing that looking like three sullen teenagers at a family reunion the same day as the Popular Kid pool party might just look a tad rude, they at least attempt some dancing. But they make sure to look displeased. Things get interesting, however, when a Wife, Sarah, suddenly starts spinning out of control and rapidly muttering phrases like "Yippee-kye-ay" and "Do-si-do." She even sparks. Almost as if she were a ROBOT or something. Hmmm...

Claire's husband, Mike, enters the scene and instructs everyone to back away please, nothing to see here. And as a wall of men hide what he's doing from Joanna, he does something that resets Sarah and all is well. Except for that fact that Joanna is all "Whaaa?" and "But she was sparking!" She then insists that she should accompany Sarah to a hospital. Um, why? Are you a doctor? Oh, you're a television producer? Ok, then shut the fuck up. Mike and Claire want Joanna to drop it already and are like "She'll be FINE!"

That night, Joanna and Walter have a fight wherein she insists something is up with the town's women and he's like "Whatever, crazy lady." Then they have a heartfelt chat where they reveal what they love most about each other. Joanna loves Walter's stupid victory dance when he wins at computer chess, and Walter loves...um....well, come to think of it, he didn't actually say what he loves most about Joanna. So, hmmmm. He does, however, give her some advice and suggests that maybe instead of staring disapprovingly at the Stepford women all the time, maybe she should dress like them and try to act just like them instead. Seriously? I would have kicked him in the nuts for that. But not Joanna, it would seem. No, she's going to give this whole Stepford thing the good old college try. So she tries it on Bobbi and Roger the next morning.

Naturally, they're like "OMG, where's your black clothing???" Joanna explains that she's going to at least try to fit in here, and suggests that maybe the three of them should go visit that Sarah chick and see how she's keeping since her sparking episode the day before. Bobbi and Roger, being from New York and all, roll their eyes exasperatedly, but agree to this. They knock on Sarah's door to find it already open, so they just mosey on in. They are greeted to the sounds of Sarah and her husband having loud sex. No snark, I really love Bobbi's reactions to the noises. Gotta love Bette Midler. Back to snark. They find what looks suspiciously like a sex toy with the name 'Sarah' emblazoned on it. It's actually a remote control. I smell a comic situation! As Sarah descends the stairs to fetch nachos for her man, Joanna and Co. are screwing around with the remote, causing Sarah's boobs to swell several cup sizes in a comedic manner. Almost like she's a ROBOT.

The Three Amigos don't notice this and take off, giggling, to Bobbi's house. Joanna and Roger are horrified by Bobbi's house, which looks like the worst episode of Hoarders ever. Joanna manages to convince Roger and Bobbi that hey, maybe they should follow her lead and try to be model Stepfordians. Oh, I think they will, Joanna. Sooner than you think.

Meanwhile, at the Men's Association, the men are racing toy cars with bras tied to the antenna. Because the men in this town are all eleven years old. Walter remarks to the men how awesomely robotic their wives are. Meanwhile meanwhile, Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger are trying their hand at a Stepford Women's Book Club meeting as part of the whole "fitting in" agenda. Claire informs them all that today, they are discussing the most awesome book EVARR. Namely, a big ol' book catalogue of Christmas collectibles. She even throws Bobbi a bone and explains that there's a whole chapter about Hanukkah. Wow. And then....they sing. Seriously.

In the words of Clark Griswold, "Merry Christmas...holy shit." Back at the Men's Association, Mike asks Walter how Joanna is adjusting to Stepford. Walter says that he really thinks Joanna is ready for a change. Nudge nudge, wink wink. The guy who lost the Toy Car Race earlier remembers that he owes Walter 20 bucks and calls for his wife. Wifey appears, takes Hubby's credit card, sticks it in her mouth, and quite literally spits out a wad of cash.

Why she spit out twenty $1 bills instead of one $20 bill is beyond me, but there it is. No doubt about it now, the Stepford women are ROBOTS. Like you didn't know. Walter has a look on his face that could be horror, fascination, or possibly constipation as he accepts his $20. Oookay.

To her credit, Joanna really is trying her best at this whole Stepford wackiness. For instance, as I watch her right now, she is taking a batch of cupcakes out of the oven for her daughter's day camp the next day. How sweet and mom-like of her. Then the camera pans out to show us that this batch of cupcakes is actually just the latest of the 90 billion she has made that day. Wow. Joanna, sweetie....I think you're out-Stepfording the Stepford Wives there. Just a tad.

Bobbi and Dave show up, and Dave whisks Walter away to a Men's Association meeting. Bobbi convinces Joanna that they should follow their men and see what goes on at such a meeting, just for shits and giggles. Joanna is reluctant to leave her cupcakes, but agrees. The women find their way into the house and come across a hall of portraits, each featuring a creepily grinning Stepford family. Interesting. They hear footsteps following them and get all scared until they realize it's just Roger screwing with them. Soon, they hear more footsteps approaching and hide. To make a long story short (too late!), Roger is led into a dark room by the men and, presumably, turned into a ROBOT. Too bad the girls didn't witness this, as we could end this movie right now and not have 40 more minutes of them trying to solve the mystery. But anyhoo...

Two days later, after not hearing from Roger since the Hall of Portraits, Joanna and Bobbi go over to his house to see what the hell is up. Nobody answers the door, but they make a startling discovery in the trash can outside: everything that makes Roger a stereotypical gay man has been tossed. Some shirts by Dolce, Gucci, and Versace, a framed picture of Orlando Bloom, a Playbill for 'Hairspray', and a T shirt featuring that other Lord of the Rings guy are among the discarded treasures. Why, what could this mean? (He's now a ROBOT and has no need for those things, would be my guess). Now that he is a ROBOT, Roger is running for some political office or another. And Joanna is officially fed up with this back asswards town.

She pleads with Walter to join her as she leaves Stepford and never looks back. He doesn't wanna go, but relents eventually and agrees that they can leave the next day. Yeah, right. I suspect that Walter is up to no good. No good at all. That night, Joanna is awoken from a sound sleep by the little CGI dog, who has something in his adorable CGI mouth. Whatever could it be? Why, it's one of the hilarious looking remote controls, the very kind we saw in Sarah's house earlier. And it says 'Joanna' on it. Hmm. I wonder WHAT is going ON. No I don't.

Joanna gets up and does some research on the internets. Turns out all the Stepford women were at one time high-powered career women. Every last one. And now they all do the washing machine exercise dressed like June Cleaver. Gee, that's not suspicious at all. The next day, Joanna heads over to Bobbi's house to have a "Let's get The Fuck Out Of Here" meeting. Unfortunately, Bobbi is...not quite herself today.

And her home is spotless. Oh noes! Joanna realizes she's on her own around the time Bobbi rests her hand on the hot stove with nary a reaction. Although, wouldn't that kind of ruin her ROBOTic inner workings? Whatever. I shouldn't expect logic from this movie by this point. Joanna goes to pick up the kids so she can get out of town, and discovers that Walter has already got them. Uh-ohs. She speeds over to the Man's Association, ready to kick some ass, and is surrounded by Stepford men. Walter steps up and makes a little speech about how Joanna has always had the bigger balls ever since they were married, and quite frankly, he is sick of it. All the men voice their agreement with this. Mike then shows up and offers to show Joanna exactly what they plan to do to her before it actually gets done. Yay.

According to Mike's educational video, the Stepford women are taken into a lab, where microchips are implanted in their brains in order to alter their personality. That's it. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Then what exactly is the deal with the remote controls and the ATM Of The Magical $1 Bills? All the evidence clearly points to ROBOTS, not brain microchips. To add insult to injury, they follow this by showing Joanna the prototype for her new ROBOT body.

I refuse....REFUSE...to believe that not ONE person involved in this production, from the script writer to the director to Nicole Kidman to the effing lighting guy, looked at the script and said, "This doesn't make any fucking sense." Not a single soul caught this glaring plot hole. Wow..just....wow. I really have no words. I am speechless. Ahem. Joanna makes a heartfelt speech to Walter about robots being unable to love or some shit, and pleads with him not to do it as she, Walter, and ROBOT Joanna are lowered down into the secret lab. Wow, really? Mike didn't come with to make sure everything went ok? Seems like shoddy quality control.

Now that Joanna is officially a Stepford Wife, it's time for a super duper important ball to honor the occasion. As Joanna dances with Mike, Walter steals away to the secret underground lab. Hmmm. What IS he doing? Well....what he's doing is deprogramming the microchips for every Stepford woman. Apparently, the Men's Association has top notch security for the room where they house the mainframe for their very way of life. Seriously, why are there not armed guards? Inquiring minds want to know. This is roughly the equivalent of leaving the Hope Diamond in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. So, as the microchips are deprogrammed, the woman all return completely back to normal. Because they are NOT ROBOTS, or anything, despite being able to touch fire and dispense cash from their mouths. Really, I have to ask one more time...do they think we are stupid? Do they? DO THEY? *Takes a deep breath* Whatever. I'm sticking to the ROBOT story because microchips make no damn sense at all and I refuse to acknowledge them.

The woman, naturally, are fucking pissed and are surrounding their men in an angry mob. Hee. Mike attempts to control the situation and is confronted by Joanna and Walter, who reveal that Joanna is not, in fact, a ROBOT/microchip wife after all. Walter didn't have the heart to do it (all together now: Aaaaaaaw). They merely pretended to turn her into one in order to infiltrate the mainframe and deprogram everybody. This begs the question of what exactly happened to the ROBOT Joanna body? Did they get rid of it? They must kill the real women before putting the finishing touches on the ROBOTS, so did anyone notice that a body didn't turn up? I'm confused and befuddled.

Following this rocking confession, Mike decides that Walter must pay for undermining the Stepford way. He goes to knock him out with a brass candle stick, and Joanna is like "No effing way" and swings at Mike with a candlestick of her own, and.....Mike's head sparks and falls off.

So, Mike was a ROBOT the whole time, and Claire was a human. Claire, you see, was once a big shot doctor or something and never had time for family. Then one day she caught Mike cheating on her with his pretty, blonde secretary, and so she turned him into a ROBOT and founded the town of Stepford so that all the women could be perfect and thus cheat-proof. Or something. She kisses Mike's decapitated ROBOT head and is electrocuted. Lovely. I am so embarrassed for Glenn Close.

In a move that proves without a doubt that the writers had no idea where to go from there, everything gets wrapped up neatly in a Larry King interview. No, really. Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger all appear on the show to tell the audience how they're doing since their ordeal. Joanna produced a documentary, Bobbi wrote a book, and Roger is running for state senate. Yawn. The final scene of the film shows the Stepford Husbands, minus Walter, shopping in the Stepford grocery store and lamenting that they'll be in trouble if they bring home the wrong paper towels. Aaaaaaand the end.

I gladly hand over a crown of Kraft Cheese to The Stepford Wives. Enjoy your honor and wear it with pride.

*Special thanks to mi amiga Danielle for being a buddy and editing the poster for me :)

"I Shot Him Six Times!" or Halloween II (1981)

2010-03-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

In this era of The Horror Remake, it's sometimes easy to forget that there was once a time before Rob Zombie was taking giant dumps all over an iconic baddie like Michael Myers. But there was indeed a time in history when we weren't supposed to feel sorry for Michael because his mom was a stripper and nobody took him trick or treating as a child. No, this old school Michael put on his William Shatner mask and killed just because he is eeeeviiiil, and that's what made him scary.

In 1978, John Carpenter created Halloween, and audiences were scared shitless, and he saw that it was good. But lo, Halloween suffered from the debilitating disease of No-Sequel-Itis. In the early 80s, no doubt inspired by the swimming pools full of money that Friday The 13th and its first sequel had brought home, the executive bigwigs over at Universal were like "We should totally get in on this shit." And so, in 1981, Halloween II was born.

I find it incredibly delicious to think that they hired somebody to add two words to the first movie's tagline and slap it on the poster there.

Halloween II picks up right where the first one left off, even backtracking a bit to show Laurie Strode's final showdown with Michael Myers and Dr. Samuel Loomis shooting him. Michael, of course, gets up completely unperturbed from the bullets that have just riddles his body. Because he is the very picture of eeeeeevil. And then we have opening credits.

Cut to Michael's POV as he watches Loomis bark at the police for a bit ("I shot him SIX TIMES!!!!!!!") and then stalks his way into the home of the Elrods, an elderly couple. Mrs. Elrod is preparing sandwiches and asks her husband, Harold, if he would enjoy mayonnaise on his. Harold, a product of the old days in which women were expected to always be able to read their man's mind when it comes to condiments, doesn't answer her. Mrs. E. spreads mayo on his sandwich anyway. God help her if he didn't want it. While she is distracted watching a conveniently placed newscast recapping the body count from the first movie, Michael sneaks into the kitchen and steals her sandwich makin' knife. Harold isn't going to be pleased. Mrs. E. finally reaches for the knife and her fingers brush a spot of blood that Michael left in his wake. She screams.

Meanwhile, next door, a teenage girl named Alice has heard Mrs. Elrod screaming and pokes her head outside to yell "Are you alright?" Receiving no answer, she assumes all is well and goes back to her phone conversation. Good going, Alice. What if the Elrods are laying in a pool of their own blood and can't answer you? They're not, but what if they were? I'm glad you aren't my neighbor.

Alice reports to her friend on the other end of the phone that she was just checking out some mysterious screaming. She deduces that Harold has perhaps grown weary of Mrs. E.'s nagging at him and has decided to start beating her. And Alice doesn't think that this is a problem. Alice's friend tells her about the babysitter massacre that just occurred down the street and Alice barely has time to react to this news when Michael sneaks up on her and jams his knife into her jugular. This makes absolutely no sense, as it is out of character for him. In the first movie, he basically only killed the people he had to in order to get to Laurie, yes? Thus, killing Alice serves no purpose whatsoever. But I digress. Body Count: 1

The po'po have gathered at the house where Laurie was babysitting earlier. She is being carted out on a stretcher, wearing the worst wig ever to disgrace the silver screen. For serious. Take a look at this handy comparison. On the left is Laurie in the first film. On the right is her in this movie, which takes place on the same night:

Wow. I have no words. So, moving on, Laurie is being transported to the hospital. Cut to the outside of the hospital. A woman is seen taking her kid inside because, I think, the kid has bitten into a razor blade that was in his candy. Cute. Also, WTF does that have to do with anything? It's really random. Laurie arrives at the hospital and begs the doctor not to put her to sleep. He does. He also opts not to have armed guards stationed by her door, even though she is being pursued by a knife wielding maniac who is still at large. Gotta love movie logic.

Loomis and Sheriff Brackett are driving around and come across somebody dressed exactly like Michael, mask and all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this probably isn't our guy. Nevertheless, Loomis and Brackett start to chase this person down when all of a sudden, a police car comes zooming down the street at 1200 miles an hour and runs the guy over. The question of why a police car is going such an outrageous speed on a residential street where he knows children are trick or treating is best left unpondered, as it will give you a headache. The point is, Faux Michael is caught between the police car and a van, both of which are on fire. Another police officer comes running up to Sheriff Brackett and tells him that his daughter's body was among those found in the house of horrors. So, no time just yet to figure out the identity of Faux Michael.

After yet another scene with the woman and Junior Razorblade (seriously, this woman must have slept with the director or something, because this whole little subplot is extremely irrelevant), we cut to some hospital staffers watching a news report on the murders and tsk tsking. Jimmy, the young paramedic who attended to Laurie in the ambulance, comes into her room to flirt. Because the best time to flirt is always when the other person is recovering from multiple stab wounds. Laurie seems to be going for it though, so go figure.

Outside the murder house, Sheriff Brackett leaves Loomis on his own to go home and mourn his daughter's death. The police are fairly certain that the guy who just burned to death was Michael and are ready to be all "Yay, he's dead." Loomis, of course, knows better and tells them so. An officer asks what they should do then, and Loomis launches into a monologue as only he can, dramatically stating that Michael is eeeeeeeeviiiiil. Hey Loomis, how's about you shut up and just help the police, ok?

So, where exactly is Michael while all of this is going on? Here it is almost half an hour into this movie and we've barely seen him. Michael, it turns out, is strolling through the streets of Haddonfield as leisurely as a daisy blowing in the breeze on a summer's day. One would think that the townspeople would see him carrying his knife and, you know, start screaming and running for the hills, but they don't. Michael comes across a conveniently placed sign that says "Haddonfield Memorial Hospital," with an arrow pointing him in the right direction. Well isn't that just quaint and dandy. All that's missing is for him to tip his hat and stroll away humming Singin' In The Rain with a piece of straw in his mouth. He reaches his destination awfully quickly, as 20 seconds later we see him walking right past the security cameras and into the hospital. The guy who is supposed to be watching the monitors doesn't notice, of course, because he is a slasher cliche.

In the hospital break room, we are formally introduced to the victims we will watch die within the next hour, and a lame attempt at "character development" is done for each of them. A young nurse named Karen, who arrives to work late and who is presumably the hospital whore. Another nurse named Janet, who hates when people swear. A dude named Budd who swears just to piss Janet off. This is the extent of their characters. Jimmy stands in the corner brooding over Laurie. He decides to go and visit her long enough to tell her that it was Michael Myers who was after her. Laurie is shocked to hear this, as she assumed that damn Myers guy was locked away in an asylum.

Michael, meanwhile, is wandering around the hospital's basement. This hospital, by the way, is practically deserted except for our motley crew of staffers, Laurie, and some babies in the maternity ward. It is also dark as shit. I have been inside my share of hospitals at nighttime, and not only does every light stay ablaze, but never are there less than two dozen doctors/nurses walking around exchanging medical jargon with each other. Especially in the juvenile ward. Shenanigans, Halloween II. Shenanigans.

Well, anyway. Michael is wandering around undetected. Janet Who Doesn't Like Swears and Mr. Garrett, the security guard, have gone to investigate why the phones are mysteriously not working. Mr. Garrett figures out that someone has broken into the storage room and yells through his walky talky for Janet to get the police. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught Janet how to use a walky talky, because she only fiddles with it and complains "I don't know how to use this thing!" Seriously? Pressing a button and talking into the microphone is beyond your skill level?

As Janet struggles to understand the genius behind the walky talky, Mr. Garrett opens a door and 9 million boxes come crashing down on his head. I would love to think that Michael took the time to set that up, because it makes me giggle. Eventually, Mr. G. runs into Mikey, who has apparently grown bored with his butcher knife and has decided to do Garrett in with a hammer instead. Body Count: 2 Back in the dark, deserted hallway, Janet is still trying to figure out her walky talky. Thankfully, she gives up and stalks back to her post.

At the coroner's office, the identity of Faux Michael is still being determined. The coroner informs Loomis and the police that nothing will be certain until dental records and x-rays have been checked. Obviously, that just won't do. The decision is made to assume Michael is still alive, and the police head back out, where they come across an actual angry mob throwing rocks at the Myers homestead. All that's missing are pitchforks and torches. I'm not sure exactly what these people are hoping to accomplish, because Michael is clearly not in there. Maybe they're hoping that he will come home, see the damage done to the house, shake his head, sigh, and think "Why do I do it? Why do I alienate myself from the mainstream? I should change from now on."

Loomis launches into another variation of the only monologue about Michael that he knows (key phrases such as "eeeevil," "Halloween," and "not human" intermixed with various mumblings). This dramatic speech is interrupted by two Haddonfield teens, who say that they're awfully worried about their friend, Ben Traymer. Ben, you see, has not been seen since he left a Halloween party a few hours ago. And he had a "stupid mask" on. Gee, do you think Faux Michael could possibly be Ben? Me too. Loomis agrees with me. Let's see what's going on at the hospital in the meantime.

Nurse Karen has decided that the babies in the maternity ward can just fend for themselves, and she heads on down to the basement to have a soak in the therapeutic hot tub with Budd. Across the hall, Laurie is having a dream/flashback about learning, at the age of 10 or so, that she was adopted. She also remembers visiting Michael in the sanitarium, and presumably knowing that he is her brother. *Gasp!* Like you didn't know. Since Laurie is apparently aware that she is related to Mikey, it makes the earlier scene where she refers to him as "That kid who killed his sister" more than a little bit odd. But anyway. Karen and Budd are enjoying the hot tub downstairs. Naturally, Michael is lurking in the shadows and is wondering how on earth he is going to kill them. I mean, really. Butcher knives are soooo '78. No, this kill really needs to sparkle. Behold, my children....the hot tub temperature gauge:

Pay extra attention to the right side of the gauge that's colored all red. Although it may be hard to make out in that picture, there's no doubt as to what it says on my TV screen right now. It says "Scalding" and it goes up to way more than the posted limit of 100 degrees. What. The. Hell. I feel I must ask...why oh why does a hot tub for humans possess a setting for scalding? That seems like it would just be a major lawsuit waiting to happen, wouldn't you agree? Unless they make hard boiled eggs in there during off hours. Yes, that must be it. But back on topic, Michael is slowly turning the temperature up. Karen makes Budd get out to check the gauge, where he is quickly eliminated (Body Count: 3), as Michael hardly has the time to creatively kill the men. No, the best kills are always reserved for the ladies. He stalks up to Karen, who does the cliche thing of mistaking him for her boyfriend. Michael lets her suck on his fingers for a bit before grabbing her head and stuffing it right into the scalding water. Gore isn't skimped on here, as the water spectacularly melts Karen's flesh right off. Ouchies. Body Count: 4

Back to Dr. Loomis and Co. A nurse from the Smith's Grove Sanitarium catches up to them and informs Loomis that he is to return to SGS immediately because he has severely fucked up this whole Michael Myers thing. Oh dear. Cut back to the hospital, where Jimmy The Paramedic has stolen back into Laurie's room to make a heartfelt speech about how he's never going to let anything happen to her. Aaaw. Too bad Laurie didn't hear any of it, because she has had a reaction to her medication and is catatonic.

Jimmy summons help, and Nurse Janet runs down the hall to Dr. Mixter's office, as he is clearly the only doctor in the entire hospital. He is also as dead as Winona Ryder's career after that unfortunate shoplifting incident. Body Count: 5. Janet barely has time to react to this when Michael ambushes her with a syringe to the eyeball. Body Count: 6. Whoever is playing Michael here tries his best to do the little head tilt thing from the first movie and make it just as creepy. He fails. Tell me that doesn't look like a sad clown:

Jimmy has grown tired of waiting for that useless Janet to return with Dr. Mixter and goes in search of the head nurse, Nurse Alves, which leaves Laurie's room unattended. Michael creeps in with a scalpel at the ready. He's going to finally murder Laurie and damn if anything is going to stop him now. Oops...not so fast there, Mikey. Take a look under the covers. Go on, look. LOOK I said! See? You've been stabbing nothing but mattress, because Laurie is gone. HA. Also, what? I thought she was comatose, unless maybe she was merely pretending for some reason. I dunno. Just go with it. Laurie stumbles her way across the hospital and attempts to phone for help. I guess she didn't get the memo about the phones being out. Time for Plan B. Jimmy and a nurse named Jill have suddenly realized that the hospital's staff of utter morons are all gone and they're mysteriously alone. Jimmy is all "We have to find Laurie!!!!!" and his brilliant plan is for he and Jill to split up and search separate wings of No Lights Memorial Hospital. This should turn out well.

Jimmy's search turns up the body of Nurse Alves, who has been given the IV drip of death (Body Count: 7). As he turns around to leave, he slips in her blood and falls right on his head. Good job. Jill, meanwhile, has opted to get the hell out of Dodge and is scurrying across the parking lot to her car. But oh noes...her engine won't start! And every last car in the parking lot has flat tires! Whatever you do, Jill, I definitely wouldn't run back into the...goddammit. I said NOT to go back into the hospital. *Sigh* Jill happens to run right into Laurie's path and implores her to stop stumbling away from her. Laurie turns around just in time to see Michael lift Jill up off the floor by sheer force of his scalpel. Body Count: 8. And it's ON.

Laurie can run really well all of a sudden for someone who was stumbling mere seconds earlier. She runs and runs until she reaches the basement, where Michael has conveinently laid out the bodies of all the victims. I'm rather confused as to when he had the time to do this, but I'll go with it. He catches up with Laurie, who quite conveniently manages to hail the elevator just in the nick of time to escape. She exits the elevator like a bat out of hell and hauls ass out of the hospital and into the parking lot.

Cut to Loomis being escorted back to Smith's Grove with the nurse lady. He begins one of his patented Dramatic Loomis Monologues, but she interrupts him and informs him that there is a SECRET FILE on Michael Myers that was so super duper SECRET that nobody ever knew about it, because it was such a SECRET. And the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly. Ahem. Anyway. According to the SECRET FILE, Laurie is Michael's sister. Um, wow. I would totally be astonished, except for the fact that they pretty much already revealed this information thirty minutes ago via Laurie's flashback. So...yeah. Loomis convinces the driver to turn the car around and go to the hospital, by way of firing a gun near the driver's head. Loomis is awesome.

Laurie is hiding in a car when who should appear but Jimmy The Paramedic. He assures her that he will get her out of here, and then he faints right on top of the horn, providing Michael with a loud, blaring signal as to their whereabouts. Jimmy....you're full of fail. Laurie manages to pry him off the steering wheel and tries to start the car. It won't start. She has the good fortune to stumble out of the car right as Loomis and Co. are walking into the hospital, but wastes this stroke of luck by waiting to scream for help until they're already inside. Good job, Laurie.

She finally gets her wits about her and pounds on the hospital doors. They let her in, but Michael is right on her ass and just barges through the glass doors because he is made of badassery. Loomis is ready with a gun and shoots Michael down, not that it worked before. And guess what? It didn't work this time either. As the cab driver/police officer bends down to get reeeeally close to Michael's face, Mikey sits right up and slashes the hell out of the dude's throat. Body Count: 9. Idiot. Everyone knows you never get right up in the killer's face when you think he's dead. Because he never is.

Anyhoo, Loomis and Laurie must now run. And run they do, as Michael slowly stalks them like he's got all the time in the world. Loomis shoves his gun in Michael's face, and Michael responds by shoving his scalpel into Loomis' stomach. Score one for Michael, I suppose. Laurie has had quite enough of Michael's shit tonight and shoots him right between the eyes. As Michael hilariously swings his scalpel blindly at Laurie, Loomis gets up and blows up an oxygen tank, totally annihilating the entire wing of the hospital they're in. Never mind that there might be patients in that wing, or anything. The important thing is, Michael and Loomis are both dead. Until we get to Halloween 4, that is, when they are both miraculously resurrected because it turns out that you can't slap the title Halloween 3 on a movie that's not in any way, shape, or form about Michael Myers and expect a great box office return. But that will be another blog for another day. Body Count: 11. Roll credits and get Mr. Sandman stuck in my head for the rest of the night. Thanks.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love the entire Halloween franchise, faults and all. So here's to you, Halloween II, for being such a delicious slice of the slasher era of old.

"It's Four Years Later...What Does She Remember?" or The Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

2010-03-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

Picture it. Movie theaters everywhere, 1973. People are lined up around the freaking block in the middle of winter, excitedly waiting for their turn to witness the phenomenon known as The Exorcist. Once inside, the movie has such a powerful effect on them that they lose their shit and start a grandiose display of fainting and vomiting, the likes of which have never been seen before (or since, really). That's how full of awesome The Exorcist is. It's the kind of film that really doesn't need a sequel.

So naturally, they made a sequel. 1977 saw the release of what is quite possibly the worst horror sequel of all time. I speak, of course, about The Exorcist II: The Heretic.

This movie takes everything you loved about the original and...um...well...hmm. Actually, no. It doesn't take anything at all that you loved about the original. My mistake. What I meant to say was, it takes elements that tie it to the first film (Linda Blair! Priests! Possession!) and mixes it with a bunch of stuff that makes no effing sense (Everything else!). All of these things are put into a big ol' pot of fail and stirred until frothy. Seriously, this one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen, not to mention the most insulting excuse for a horror sequel ever. Let's begin, shall we? You'll know it's time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this: *CHIIIIIING*

The movie opens with, of course, an opening credits sequence, set to what I first mistook to be the most horrible "WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAH" music that had ever disgraced my ears. It was actually the sounds of a woman possessed. So I'll let it slide. This is where we are introduced to Father Lamont, this movie's answer to Father Karras. Lamont is played by Richard Burton, although the exact same performance could have been handed in by a wooden log. Anyway. He tries to perform an exorcism on the possessed chick, but she catches fire. Lamont looks only mildly disquieted at the flaming ball of human in front of his face.

The film then switches gears and reunites us with Regan MacNeil, four years after her possession by the demon Pazuzu. Get used to the name Pazuzu, because you will hear it approximately 65,398 times before this movie is finished. Regan has taken up tap dancing and shows off her mad dancing skills for the benefit of the sax player who's trying to flirt with her from in front of the stage. After that, she goes to her appointment with her therapist, Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher). While Gene asks Regan what she remembers from four years ago (supposedly not a thing), I wonder why exactly a therapist's office is equipped with glass walls. Seems like it would squelch the whole privacy factor, wouldn't you say?

Gene shows Regan some mechanical doo-hickey that she says they can use together, and it will make them "very relaxed, and very comfortable." My inner eleven year old finds that funny. Especially when Regan's reply is "I don't think you're ready for it." Haha. Ok, anyway, the machine supposedly will erase all the nightmares Regan has been having lately. Meanwhile, Father Lamont is being asked by the Catholic church to investigate the details of Regan's exorcism leading up to the death of Father Merrin.

He starts by paying a visit to Gene, hoping to interview Regan before she leaves. Gene tells him that she would rather not dredge up any memories right now lest Regan become suicidal with guilt over the deaths of three people. Regan herself pops in and suggests they try the hypnosis machine thingy the next day, and an invitation is extended to Lamont to "help." Oh goody.

That night, at home, Regan pretends to be able to bend a spoon with her mind in order to freak out Sharon, her nanny from the first movie. Regan's mom is off filming a movie somewhere and is therefore not present, presumably because Ellen Burstyn took one look at the script for this thing and, after laughing her ass off, told the producers to get off her property and never come back. Or at least, that's how I would like to imagine it went. Anyway, Regan fakes out Sharon with the spoon. Joke or not, after what Sharon witnessed in the first film, I'm surprised she doesn't run screaming from the house at the mere notion that Regan might have superhuman abilities again.

The next day comes and it's time to try out the hypnosis machine. Gene explains that the two headband things attached to the machine are synchronized with each other and will allow Gene to enter Regan's memories. Um...ok. Sure. Regan is hypnotized and is asked a series of questions by Lamont about her exorcism, at which point Gene begins to freak out. Regan takes off her headband and Lamont jams it onto his head, insisting that he knows exactly the way to get Gene out of hypnosis. This whole scene is incredibly stupid. I'm not even going to mention the fact that Regan is huddled around Gene with her hand on her chest. Oops. Guess I just did.

Inside Gene's view of Regan's memory, Lamont sees a reenactment of what happened right before Father Merrin's death. While Max von Sydow reprises his role in this little replay, Linda Blair does not, reportedly because she refused to ever wear the possession makeup again. Really? It didn't seem to bother you when you did Repossessed, did it Linda? But I digress. Possessed Regan is portrayed by some other chick. She and Real Regan play tug of war with Gene's heart (literally), and I have completely checked out of this scene. Long story short (too late!), everybody comes out of hypnosis.

Gene and Lamont have a discussion about what just happened, while Regan draws a picture of Lamont on fire. This freaks Lamont out and he starts frantically looking for things that are on fire. Eventually, he and Gene discover a box in the basement that is, indeed, on fire. While Gene rushes to call the fire department, Lamont attempts to beat away the fire with a wooden stick.

I don't think you heard me.

He tries beating the FIRE with a WOODEN STICK. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

Gene hangs up the phone and walks over carrying a big-ass fire extinguisher. That she had to walk past in order to reach the phone to call the fire department. And then, using that very extinguisher, she puts the entire fire out in like 3 seconds. So...WTF was the point of calling? The building is evacuated (over a small basement fire that's been put out? That seems a bit extreme). Lamont finishes puffing away at an oxygen mask and informs Gene that the hypnosis thingymajig has made him realize that Regan still has demonic forces buried deep within her. Wonderful.

Speaking of Regan, she is having quite the terrible night's sleep. Evil sounding voices call out to her and are like "Come fly with us!" We then segue into the dream she is having about a quaint little African village where a giant locust is flying around. I'm sure this has some deep, important meaning, but hell if I can figure out what that might be. Then a swarm of locusts descend upon the villagers while some dude is carrying another dude on his shoulders, and I am extremely confused. Meanwhile, Regan gets up and sleepwalks out to her balcony and wakes up just in time to discover that she is about 1/8 of an inch from becoming a squishy, red mess on the street below.

She screams and Sharon comes running. She finds Regan on the balcony calmly playing with some doves. Ooook then. Sharon lets Regan know that she won't be home when Regan returns home from school that day, as she'll be taking a jaunt over to the Georgetown house from the first movie to take care of some things that Mrs. MacNeil couldn't be bothered with. Who thinks something evil will go down when Sharon arrives there? Me too.

Sharon arrives at the Georgetown house of horrors and looks sadly down the concrete steps where Burke Dennings and Father Karras suffered their bloody demises in the first movie. Father Lamont meets her and they head inside the house and discuss what happened during the exorcism. Sharon recites a monologue about how she stayed away from Regan for awhile after the exorcism because she was afraid of her (as would I), but came back because she discovered that being near Regan gives her a sense of peace. Interesting. She asks Lamont why that might be, and Lamont is like "Have you tried talking to a priest?" Um, Lamont? Are you not a priest? And is she not talking to you at this very moment? Idiot. Sharon agrees with me, retorting with "I'm talking to one now, aren't I?" HAHA. Lamont enters Regan's old bedroom and there's a giant locust hovering in there, presumably the same one from Regan's dream. Lamont prays at the foot of the bed, and scene. That's it? Really? That sucks. I was expecting something more..not boring. But whatever.

Back at Gene's office, she and Lamont exchange uninteresting, unimportant bits of dialogue about nothing in particular, until Gene asks him if he ever "needs a woman." What a question to ask a priest. I'm not sure which is more unintentionally hilarious; her question or his matter-of-fact reply of "Yes." As though she had asked him if he takes sugar in his coffee or something. The acting. It burns. Thankfully, Regan pops in and it's time again to use the hypnosis whatchamacallit.

This time, it is Regan and Lamont sporting the stylish hypno-headbands. Gene asks Regan if she remembers dreaming of Father Merrin and Regan says she does. What? When did she dream of Father Merrin? All I saw in that stupid dream of hers were locusts and African villagers. Then again, I get the feeling that continuity was pretty low on the director's list of priorities, far beneath more important items like "foreboding music in situations that don't call for it" and "Making sure Linda Blair walks around in every scene clearly not wearing a bra." Anyhoodle, Regan and Lamont delve together into more of her dream, which really is inhabited by Merrin now. Merrin is watching some sort of ritual take place involving a young boy with "special powers" whom Merrin believes is causing the locust swarms because of his inherent goodness. Then Merrin runs across a field to the boy, who is laying down in a state of possession. We know he is possessed because he is wearing yellow contact lenses.

The demon inside the boy informs Merrin that his name is Pazuzu. We then cut back to reality, where Lamont repeats the name in a bored manner. He repeats the name Pazuzu several times. Pazuzu sounds funnier and funnier the more times you say it in a row. Try it. Pazuzu Pazuzu Pazuzu. Back to Regan's dream, some more weird shit goes on, including the boy/demon causing some guy to fall off a cliff at 2 miles an hour. What wonderful cinematography. Merrin attempts to perform an exorcism on the boy, which is successful, it would appear. Via voice over, Lamont and what I assume to be the voice of Pazuzu have a conversation wherein Lamont is like "Haha, Merrin beat you" and Pazuzu is all "Whatevah, I could totally reclaim that boy again if I so chose." And then Pazuzu takes Lamont on "a journey" to prove his macho demon power. This "journey" consists of a series of shots of just....stuff, for a solid minute. It culminates in a shot of James Earl Jones in tribal garb, growling like a wild cat. I bet he leaves this movie off his resume. I would.

Back in real life, Gene has turned off the hypno-whatsit. Regan and Lamont emerge from their trances and Regan is dismissed. Instead of leaving, Regan wanders around the lobby of the therapy building and comes across a little girl played by Dana Plato. She tries to strike up a conversation with her by asking her what her deal is. Little Dana replies that she is autistic and Regan is like "???" so Little Dana elaborates, informing Regan that she can't talk. Regan points out that she IS talking and Little Dana looks astonished. She then asks Regan what her deal is, to which Regan replies, "I was possessed by a demon. It's ok, he's gone." LMAO. At this point, Little Dana's mom comes in and LD points to Regan and is all "Mom, know what happened to her?"

Little Dana's mom is understandably shocked at hearing her daughter speak for the first time in ever and starts crying tears of joy. Curiously, she opts not to rush over to her daughter and instead runs over to the receptionist behind the front desk. Little Dana has to go over to Mom herself, at which point the two of them hug and then rush off so Dad can hear her talk as well. Gene asks Regan what the hell just happened, and Regan is like "Nothing." Then she asks Gene if maybe she can start helping out with the other children patients. Gene is like "No effing way" and warns Regan that messing with other people's minds is dangerous. personally, I think there's only so much damage Regan could do by simply striking up friendly conversations with people, but whatever.

After Regan leaves, Lamont points out to Gene that Regan got inside Little Dana's head and caused her to start talking, to which Gene is like "Whatever, you ridiculous man." Lamont tells her not to hide behind science, and that they must find the demon that still resides inside Regan. Gene tells Lamont to stay away from Regan because she's had just about enough of his demon obsession and Lamont retorts, in his usual bored manner, "I'm not obsessed. I'm not." Really? What exactly is the point of all this demon-chasing then?

Later, as Father Lamont strolls around inside a natural history museum, he runs right into Regan. They discuss the theory some French priest came up with years ago about ESP and how someday the whole world would develop it, and how Father Merrin believed this theory, and something or other about Satan. I dunno, I checked out a couple of times during Lamont's uninspired monologue. Eventually, they stop walking when they come across a diorama of the same African locale of Regan's dream. Lamont theorizes that if he can track down the now grown boy from the dream (that would be James Earl Jones), then maybe he can figure out how to defeat Pazuzu, and I'm still lost as hell. In short, a trip to Africa is in order. He explains his need for a trip to the cardinal, who tells him that he will not allow it officially, and also tells Lamont he is officially off the investigation into Merrin's death and is to have no more contact with Regan. Well hell.

Cut to Regan standing on her balcony. Then cut to Lamont in Africa, in the same place where the one guy fell slowly in Regan's dream. He barges into some sort of ritual in progress. I zoned out for much of it, but I did gather that Lamont drank more than his share of communion wine, and I got a good giggle out of their giant communion cookie:

Back on Regan's balcony, Gene pays her a visit. Regan asks Gene to let her use the hypnothingy to go in sync with Lamont so she can "help" him. I'm not sure exactly how this will help him, but I'll go with it. Gene says no. In Africa, Lamont has a meeting with the Abbot to discuss the time Merrin visited. The Abbot tells him that there was a "devil wind" that knocked a guy off a cliff where he fell to his death (this is the guy we saw falling sloooooowly in Regan's dream), and his body was never found because of dust or something. Lamont tells them they looked in the wrong spot and that the body is somewhere over there (and he points), and I'm more confused than ever. He begins to descend down a cliff to prove that he's right. All of a sudden, we cut to Regan in a sparkly tuxedo performing a tap dancing number with several other people, also in tuxedos.

Back in Africa, Lamont has found the body of the dude, right where he said it would be. The Abbot and the other holy men are all "How did he know the body was there????" and Lamont tells him that the guy was killed by Pazuzu and that he knew the body was there because he personally took a journey with the demon. Naturally, this information freaks out the holy men just a tad, and they call him a devil worshiper and begin to beat the crap out of him and throw stones at him. At the same time this is happening, Regan's tap dancing is interrupted when she begins to suffer the same torments that Lamont is experiencing. Almost as though they are PSYCHICALLY LINKED. Hmmm. Regan ends up convulsing on the floor while Sharon looks on with that simpering whiny look of hers. Backstage, she sits by Regan's side as Gene plunges a needle into her to sedate her. Apparently, all therapists must carry needles full of sedatives with them at all times, just in case.

Back in Africa, Lamont is meeting with a French nun and asking if she knows where he might find the mysterious land of mud he saw in Regan's dream/vision/whatever the fuck it was. She doesn't, but fortunately at that very moment, Ned Beatty lands a plane outside and tells Lamont that he does indeed know where this land might be found. At this point, I give up trying to understand this stupid movie. It's nothing but a giant mind fuck.

Ned flies Lamont to the MudLands via his plane, and Lamont asks somebody there if they know where he might find James Earl Jones. They don't. Lamont continues to search the city while, back in New York, Gene tucks Regan into bed in her office of the glass walls. Cutting BACK to Lamont (and I have to admit, I'm growing tired of looking at him because he's fucking boring), he is still wandering around looking for James Earl when he comes across a group of men who say they will lead him in the right direction. It looks like they intend to mug him or beat him up or something, but instead they just lead him to a nude woman and point out her boobs and laugh. This movie has officially crossed the line into fucktarded. Meanwhile, Regan breaks free from her IV, because she's a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Lamont enters into his 1800th hour wandering around Africa and asks God for help in locating James Earl. Cut to Regan in bed in her hypnosis state calling out to Lamont, despite the fact that she isn't, as far as I can tell, hooked up to the hypnowhatsit.

Lamont gives the fuck up and asks Pazuzu himself for help in locating JEJ. I would argue that it would make no sense for Pazuzu to help him find somebody who holds the power to defeat demons. It works though, because lo and behold he makes his way to JEJ, who is dressed like a giant locust. They talk, and JEJ says something about Lamont having to rip our Regan's heart or something. I'm sorry, this movie is getting stupider and stupider by the moment and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Anyway, Lamont falls onto some spikes or whatever and wakes up with James Earl standing over him dressed in a lab coat. I'm fucking confused. What the hell just happened? Was that a dream? How can I effectively track down all those responsible for this movie and get them into one place so I may torture them, so they can suffer as I have suffered? These are all perplexing questions.

Scientist James Earl shows Lamont his collection of locusts and warns him that there is no help once a locust's wings have brushed you. Whatever the fuck that means. Then he shows Lamont a new breed of locust that has been specially bred to resist wing brushing, and I don't even fucking know anymore. At last, at long last, we focus back on Regan. Just in time, as I'm not sure how much more I could have stood of Lamont standing there like a bored statue reciting his lines off a cue card. Regan is collecting her shit and preparing to escape from Gene's institution. And she's taking the hypno-whatever with her.

Gene finds out that Regan has skipped town and contacts Sharon, who answers the door to find Father Lamont dressed in a leisure suit. She yells at him to get out. Cut to Regan, waiting for him in the natural history museum, armed with the hypno machine thingy. He arrives and they discuss the need to remove her inner evil. They check into a no-tell motel and set up the hypnothingymabob. Once again, we enter a flashback from the first movie. Merrin, in voiceover, informs Lamont that he entrusts Regan's soul to him and yadda yadda yadda. Then Merrin is teleported to Africa somehow. Regan turns off the machine and Lamont woodenly makes his way toward the train station, with Regan following close behind. It seems there is work that must be done in Georgetown.

Regan calls Gene to tell her she's sorry and that she left the hypno-thing in the motel. On the train, she asks Lamont for money to pay their fare and he doesn't answer her. So she starts going through his wallet, and when the conductor tries to ask what the hell she thinks she's doing, Lamont is like 'LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE BELONGS TO MEEE." Well then.

Gene and Sharon are attempting to follow them by plane, which Lamont is trying to telepathically crash. Regan begs him not to be lost to her, and Lamont decides not to crash the plane after all. Because a plane crash would have injected something remotely interesting into the movie and we can't have that, now can we? Eventually, after many boring padded scenes of both pairs of travelers making their way to Georgetown, Lamont and Regan arrive at her old house and Lamont beelines it to Regan's bedroom. He is promptly attacked by a swarm of locusts (again with the fucking locusts), and Gene and Sharon's cab is attacked by an unseen force. Fortunately, they crash land right into the house's front yard. I hate everything about this fucking movie. The cab is wrecked to hell and I'm pretty sure the cab driver is dead. Nevertheless, Gene is all "We have to help Regan!!!!"

Meanwhile, Regan is heading into her old room and is greeted by her possessed self, causing Real Regan to let out a mild squeal of fright. Lamont comes out of nowhere and grabs her, while the Possessed Regan on the bed slowly morphs into Whore Regan.

Whore Regan invites Lamont to "be joined with us," prompting Lamont to start humping Whore Regan while Real Regan looks on in horror. Meanwhile, Sharon sets herself on fire outside, presumably because she's as sick of this goddamn movie as I am. Back in the bedroom, Whore Regan implores Lamont to kill Real Regan, so he goes over and starts bashing RR's head against the wall. Good. Now she knows how I felt watching this fucking thing. Meanwhile, Gene runs around like a nut outside trying to find help for Sharon, who is quite frankly beyond all help.
Back in the bedroom, Lamont has switched gears and is fighting with Whore Regan on the bed when a locust swarm pours through the windows. Also, the house starts to come apart for some reason.

Lamont rips out Whore Regan's heart while Real Regan does some kind of ritualistic dance and the locusts fall dead at her feet. She emerges from the wrecked to hell house to see Gene cradling Sharon's body in her arms. Lamont acts all important and is like "The enemy of the human race has been subdued." Sure it has. Gene looks sadly at the house wreckage while ambulances and police swarm it. And thankfully, that's the end of this travesty.

If you don't mind, I shall go on with life pretending that there is only one Exorcist film. The world will be better for it. Although, if you are ever in need of a movie to make your friends run screaming from your house in terror, this would be the one.

"That's the story of..that's the glory of love" or Orphan (2009)

2010-03-10T05:12:00.000-08:00

WARNING: THIS IS SPOILER HEAVY! EXTREMELY SO!

If you don't wish to know what, exactly, is wrong with Esther, I suggest you don't read this entry.
Orphan might as well have been called "The Bad Seed Of The Good Son," seeing as how it owes a lot to both those films. However, it does have a kick-ass twist ending that even I didn't see coming, and I can usually spot a twist coming from five states away.

Orphan starts out with a dream sequence in which we figure out that Esther's future adoptive mother, Kate, has had a miscarriage. Hence the reason she and her husband John (John and Kate? Really? LMAO) are planning to adopt. Kate is then shown in a therapy session talking about her drinking problem and pretty much outright admitting that she isn't ready to adopt a kid. After which, she picks up her deaf daughter, Max, from school and then almost kills them both by running a red light. And after THAT, she yells at Max for playing ball too loudly while Mommy is trying to play the piano. Because yelling at a deaf child makes complete and utter sense. Kate is ~~a bitch~~ clearly the most mentally stable person on earth and this adoption thing should absolutely go well for everyone involved.

Skipping ahead several boring scenes (nothing much happens besides Kate angsting some more to John about how she totally isn't ready to adopt, and the introduction of their other kid, Daniel, who is a little shit with an attitude problem), John and Kate arrive at St. Mariana's Home For Girls to pick out their new ~~puppy~~ daughter. Seriously though, the proprietor of this fine establishment just waves her hand and tells them to look around at all the girls and pick one. Somehow I don't think that's how it works. But whatever.

While Kate looks around and smiles at all the happy, playful children running around who are NOT evil, John wanders upstairs and seriously do orphanages REALLY just let people wander around wherever they damn well please? Aren't they concerned with possible kidnappings and such? Anyway, he hears singing and follows the sound to a room where none other than our pint sized psycho Esther sits painting a picture.

She is singing The Glory of Love, which is meant, I guess, to be creepy(?), but which only reminds me of this classic scene from Beaches:

John sits with Esther for a bit while she tells a long and convoluted story about the picture she's painting, and then he introduces her to Kate, whom Esther seems less than thrilled to meet. Nevertheless, she wins them both over with her super creepy high level of intellect for a 9 year old, and they decide they'll take her.

John and Kate have a pow-wow with the headmistress of the orphanage, who neatly delivers us all the background info we need on Esther: her last foster family in Russia died in a house fire that only she survived, she can speak perfect English even though she's only been in America for two years, she insists on always wearing black ribbons around her neck and wrists, and she will fuck your shit up if you ask her to remove them. That last thing right there would be a HUGE red flag if it were me, but J&K are just like "Cool, when can we have her?"

Several days later, they take Esther home to begin her reign of terror. She meets the other kids and Daniel acts like a tool by playing Guitar Hero at top volume while Esther is opening her homecoming presents. She gets her silent revenge by ferociously hugging John (who has been ignoring Daniel's cries of "Dad! Lookit my score!") and giving Daniel a shit eating grin while she does it. I'm going to give Esther applause for that one. *Clap clap*

That night is when Esther performs her first official act as Creepy Queen by barging into the bedroom while the parents are gettin' busy. She claims to be scared of the lightning and demands to be allowed to sleep next to John. Creepy. Anybody else hearing a warning bell in the distance? Show of hands.

The next morning is Esther's first day at school, and problems arise when she descends the stairs dressed like....this:

Kate tactfully tries to persuade Esther that she might not want to show up for her first day of school dressed like Vicki from Small Wonder, and suggests some jeans instead, to which Esther is like "Fuck that" and insists that she LIKES being different, dammit. Kate was right though, because upon Esther's arrival in her new classroom a particularly snotty little bitch in the front row makes a crack about Little Bo Peep wanting her dress back. Esther gives her bitch face, and we can safely assume that this chick is now on her Death List.

And now, for our first homage to The Good Son. Daniel accidentally shoots a bird with his paintball gun and it's still alive. Esther hands him a rock and is like "Put it out of it's misery." Daniel doesn't want to, so Esther takes matters into her own hands.

I think we're supposed to believe she's all evil and shit for doing this, except for the fact that she was TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY RIGHT to do it. Seriously, if she wanted to be evil about it she could have just let the bird lay there and die slowly while she ate popcorn and watched. The only thing we should notice is that she is strangely nonchalant about it. Almost as though she's killed before. Hmmmmm.

That night, Esther locks the door to the bathroom so nobody can come in while she takes a shower. Kate isn't having this and is all "We never lock doors in this house." I have to say, I'm kind of on Esther's side here. She's in a new house with a family she isn't used to. If it makes her more comfortable to shower with a locked door, then whatever. She isn't three years old or anything, so the chances of her slipping and falling are pretty slim. Anyway, Esther gets her way about the lock so long as she sings so Kate will know she's all right. So, as Esther is performing her Glory of Love number in the shower, Kate takes the opportunity to snoop through her stuff and finds an old Bible with a picture of some dude in it. Interesting.

Speaking of Esther's Bible, in school the next day the same chick who made the Bo Peep crack knocks the Bible right out of Esther's hands and pages go scattering everywhere. Then she makes a grab for Esther's neck ribbon and Esther freaks the hell out and starts screaming bloody murder. If that snotty girl wasn't marked before, she's fucked now.

Life goes on peacefully for a time. Kate attempts to bond with Esther by giving her piano lessons and making her a scrapbook of her new family. Then she shows her the memorial plant in the greenhouse, the soil of which contains the dead baby's ashes. Somehow I get the feeling that Esther is going to do something to the plant. Call it ~~watching many evil child movies over the years, all of them the same~~ a hunch.

That night, as John and Kate are having sex in the kitchen (always a great idea when you have three children in the house who could walk in at any moment) they suddenly notice that Esther is watching them and giving them bitch face.

The next day, feeling rightfully awkward, Kate attempts to explain to Esther what she saw by way of a birds-and-bees talk. Esther puts the brakes on this conversation by informing Kate that she knows very well what grownups do when they're in love: "They fuck." Kate is obviously taken aback by hearing it so knowingly put that way by a 9 year old and decides Esther needs to go to therapy before she starts teaching the other children to swear. Fair enough.

But before that can happen, Esther's got some business to take care of. On a visit to the park, she decides it's time to take care of that bitchy girl who made fun of her clothes, knocked away her Bible, and tried to touch her goddamn ribbon. She accomplishes this by following the girl to the jungle gym and pushing her off the highest point. She hasn't killed her, just broken her leg. I think she got her point across.

That night at dinner, Kate and John are like "Um...Esther, why did you push that chick off the jungle gym?" and Esther denies doing any such thing. And the whole issue is just pushed aside because K&J are SUCH great parents. During this same meal, that little shit Daniel edges himself ever closer to incurring Esther's wrath by criticizing both her Russian accent and the way she eats (which, incidentally, is the proper way; cutting the meat with her knife and fork and such). He suggests she should go "back to Transylvania" and Esther is like "I'm from Russia, you dillweed. Transylvania is a part of Romania." Not in those exact words, of course. Even so, snaps for Esther. That was a particularly fine display of ownage. This pisses Daniel off and he insults Esther some more, prompting his parents to finally step in and do some goddamn parenting by telling him to "apologize to your sister." Daniel retorts "She's NOT my fucking sister!" and gets his treehouse locked until he's ready to apologize. Good. He deserves it.

Kate takes Esther and Max to the grocery store, where she receives a call from the orphanage lady on her top-of-the-line iPhone, which she makes sure to position so that shiny Apple logo is facing the camera at all times. Product placement at its finest.

Anyway, the orphanage lady is calling to remind Kate that she needs to drop off Esther's dental records, and Kate says that Esther has thus far REFUSED to go to the dentist. Something tells me this is another warning bell that should be noted. Another one comes right after this scene, as Kate walks in on Esther flawlessly playing classical music on the piano even though a) Esther had said she didn't know how to play and b) has only had a few lessons with Kate so far. That little liar. Kate is like 'Why did you lie?" and Esther replies that she merely pretended not to know because she thought Kate would enjoy teaching somebody, seeing as how Daniel couldn't give less of a shit and Max is deaf. I'm not sure whether this is touching or a huge burn, so let's go with a middle ground and say it's both. Kate and John fight loudly over this very issue later that night, as Esther listens to them in her room and smiles. Hmmm...

Next morning, the orphanage lady pays the family a visit, much to Esther's chagrin. This is because the orphanage lady has some stuff to tell John and Kate that she conveniently forgot to disclose before Esther was adopted out. Firstly, at her old school some kid "accidentally" stabbed himself through the jaw with scissors and Esther was suspiciously present at the scene. And secondly, that fire in her old family's house that only she escaped was caused by arson. Both of these things would have been extremely helpful to know before anyone adopted the little demon child, don't you agree? Naturally, Esther is listening to all of this and damn it if she's going to let that orphanage bitch ruin the good thing she's got going here. She enlists the help of Max by telling her that there's a "mean lady" who has come to take her away and won't Max help her? Max agrees to this, presumably because she saw what Esther did at the playground and has decided it would be best to not get on her bad side. Or, you know, because Esther points a gun at her head and invites her to play Russian Roulette if she doesn't.

So, as the orphanage lady is leaving the house, Esther and Max are waiting for her by an overpass. The plan is for Max to rush out in front of the car so that the woman will have to stop and get out, at which point Esther will ambush her with a hammer to the skull. That's....a fucking terrifying plan coming from the head of a 9 year old. Especially since Esther succeeds in killing her, making Max help her hide the body. Ho. Lee. Shit. This kid doesn't fuck around, that much is clear. Macaulay Culkin WISHES he was this badass in The Good Son. When the deed is finished the girls get into Daniel's treehouse. As Esther washes the blood off her face and hides the evidence in a backpack under the floorboard, she warns Max not to say anything because she can be sent to jail for helping hide the body. This poor kid is going to be traumatized forever when all this is over.

Daniel sees them exit the treehouse and is all "WTF?" Unfortunately, Esther knows he was watching and ambushes him in bed that night with a pair of scissors to the throat. She warns him that he better not open his fat mouth and blab or else she'll cut off a certain bodily appendage. For all her evilness, Esther has her awesome moments. She has her first therapy session the next day and manages to win over the therapist with her creepy-kid charm. As the therapist has a private pow-wow with the parents (and basically says that all the perceived problems with Esther are all in Kate's head), Esther has a random temper tantrum in the bathroom. Meanwhile, the body of Sister Abigail (the orphanage lady) has been found and Kate is, to say the least, a tad suspicious of Esther by now. John, however, is firmly in the camp of believing Esther isn't capable of such a thing because she's a child. Whatever. Esther is in her room flicking a fluorescent light on and off in order for us to see that she has painted decidedly ghoulish pictures with fluorescent paint over the normal ones she has been doing.

Kate has had enough and decides she's going to investigate into Esther's past. She soon finds that the Russian orphanage that Esther supposedly was at before St. Mariana's has no record of her. How odd. One wonders how she even came to be with the previous, burned-to-a-crisp foster family, then. The next morning is supposed to be Esther's dentist appointment and she REALLY doesn't want to go. This dentist thing must be especially important, because this is the second time it's been mentioned. John is the only parent home so he agrees to let Esther skip her appointment and the two of them sit and paint pictures together. Esther complains that it doesn't seem like Kate is all that enchanted with her, so John suggests that maybe she (Esther) could do something nice for Kate. This is where my earlier prediction about the memorial plant comes true, as Esther's good deed is to pick flowers for Kate. From the plant.

Needless to say, Kate is fucking pissed and would probably have beaten Esther to a pulp if Esther hadn't broken free from Kate's death grip and ran upstairs. Kate is all "She did that on purpose!!!!!" and John takes Esther's side and insists that she was merely trying to do something nice. John is kind of an idiot and is starting to annoy me.

Esther, meanwhile, seizes the opportunity presented to her by Kate grabbing her so hard in her fury over the plant. While everybody is sleeping that night, she quietly sneaks out to the garage and breaks her own arm, then wakes John up and tells him Kate did it. This kid is smart. A calculating bitch, but smart. John takes Esther to the hospital (which I have an issue with, and I will explain what that is when we get to the ending) and makes Kate sleep on the couch when they get home, while he stays in the bedroom with Esther to make sure she's ok. Kate goes out to the liquor store and buys two bottles of wine, but ends up pouring them down the sink because damn if she's going back off the wagon. Good for you, Kate.

The next morning in the school parking lot, while Kate is attending to Daniel's broken backpack, Esther quietly puts the car in reverse and releases the emergency brake, causing the car (with Max inside) to go a-rollin' down a hill and land in a pile of snow. Max is fine, but Kate is at the breaking point and tells John she wants Esther out of the damn house. John replies by producing Kate's empty wine bottles and says either she goes to rehab or he's going to leave with the kids. Meanwhile, Daniel seizes the opportunity while Esther is in the shower to ask Max what she knows about her. Instead of just conducting this conversation is sign language, he speaks and signs at the same time so that Esther will be sure to hear every freaking word he says. Because he is a dumbass.

Esther turns up the bad-assery up a notch that night by letting Kate know that she's read her diary, and even quotes a passage about the miscarriage to prove it. Then she ominously remarks that Kate has taken her family for granted and that it's too late. Creepy. Kate steps up her investigation by harrassing St. Mariana's for information, but they don't have any. She decides that maybe Esther's Bible contains some helpful hints, and discovers that a) there are several pictures of different men hidden amongst the pages and b) the Bible was issued at some sort of institution. Good to know.

The next day, Kate calls the institution and discovers that it's not an orphanage, but a mental hospital. Kate thinks maybe Esther's birth mother was a patient and faxes the institute a picture of Esther. Meanwhile, Daniel breaks into his treehouse looking for the evidence Esther hid there. Unfortunately for him, Esther is waiting for him. She traps him in there and sets it on fire, and he injures his neck jumping to the ground.

So, everyone winds up at the hospital. This was actually not Esther's plan, as she had been intending to kill him with a large fallen log but was interrupted. While John and Kate are arguing over whether Esther is the guilty party, Esther and Max, along with John's mother, are sitting in the waiting room. Esther asks Grandma if she can have a dollar for the soda machine. Grandma replies that Kate wants Esther to stay where she is, pauses, and gives her a dollar. Grandma is kind of a bitch, but that was hilarious. Esther is not, of course, going to the soda machine. She is actually going to Daniel's room to finish him off, which she almost accomplishes, except that the doctors manage to revive him. Kate is on the warpath and when Esther comes around the corner drinking a Mountain Dew like nothing is wrong, Kate knocks her to the ground and is sedated.

Since Kate must stay the night at the hospital, John takes Max and Esther home. This is when Esther puts her master plan into action. She starts by taking one of Kate's little black dresses and cutting it to fit her. Then she puts on 500 pounds of hooker makeup. I think I know where this is going, and I am uncomfortable. And I'm right, because Esther makes her way downstairs and plops down next to John on the couch looking like this:

It's a far cry from the Laura Ingalls look she's been sporting this whole movie, that's for damn sure. John is drunk and doesn't even know half of what's going on, although he does take a moment to ask her what exactly is up with the pancake makeup before half passing out again. The uncomfortableness is turned up to eleven when Esther starts trying to kiss him. Thankfully, John gathers his wits enough to bolt up off the couch and be all "What the HELL?" He tells her to go to her room and expect to be sent back to the orphanage as soon as can be arranged. Esther is all "Stop talking to me like I'm a child!"

Have you figured out what the big twist is yet? Go on, think about it. Or just keep reading.

At the hospital, Kate receives a call from the institution. They have received the picture of Esther that was faxed over earlier, and they've got some surprising news for Kate. The picture, they say, is not of a little girl at all. No, it's a picture of a former patient of theirs named Leena who, according to their records, was born in 1976. That's right. Esther's secret is that she is a 33 year old woman with proportional dwarfism.

I know. I was shocked too. I'll give you a moment to go back over all the evidence that now adds up. The neck and wrist ribbons (they cover up scars from her trying to escape her strait jacket). The Raggedy Ann dresses (they hide her boobs and hips better than jeans and T shirts). The locked bathroom door. The whole dentist thing. Remember when I said I took issue with her being taken to the hospital for the broken arm? They would have totally been able to figure out she wasn't a child when they took her x-ray and saw her bones. But I guess I'll let that little plot hole slide.

Apparently, Esther/Leena's MO is to be adopted by a family and eventually try to seduce the father. If she fails, everybody is killed. So it doesn't take a genius to figure out what her next course of action is. As Kate breaks out of the hospital and hightails it home, Esther turns the power off and quickly stabs John to death while Max watches. There's no way that child won't be seriously fucked up for life after this is over. No way. Kate arrives home and tries to find Max while Esther hunts down both of them. Girl is on the warpath and she's going to kick ass and take names.

A chase ensues that ends up in the greenhouse, where Kate smashes the ceiling on top of Esther and assumes she is dead. She isn't, of course. That would be too easy for a film such as this. As the cops arrive (about 30 minutes after Kate called them...wonderful law enforcement department they have there), Esther ambushes Kate outside near a frozen pond and they both fall in. Max saves the day by shooting the fuck out of Esther, distracting her enough for Kate to kick her square in the neck. And all's well that ends well.

On the whole, Orphan wasn't really anything new or ground breaking, but I do have to give it points for having a relatively original twist.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for next time when I recap the hell out of Exorcist II: The Heretic.

First Post of 2010!

2010-03-05T10:51:00.001-08:00

Only three months late, but you know. Better late than never. Anyhoodle, I have several recaps cooking (and yeah, I know I've said that before, but FOR REAL this time...they're half-written and everything). Specifically, expect a recap of Orphan sometime this week, followed shortly after by The Exorcist II: The Heretic. Good stuff. Stay tuned.

"They're All Gonna Laugh At You," or Carrie (1976)

2009-08-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

OMG, it's a new post!! Well, sort of. While browsing through my old Myspace blog posts, some of which date back almost four years, I came across my very first horror movie review, from the ancient time known as 2006, when I was 18 and just testing my blogging skills. The review was for Carrie, that 1976 Brian DePalma classic about telekinetic fury. While Carrie doesn't exactly fit in with our "So-bad-it's-good" theme here, I figured my review deserved a better home than Myspace, so here it is. Enjoy this recap written by 18 year old me.
We begin in the ultimate teenage hell: a gym class volleyball game. Among the dozen or so girls playing in matching yellow gym suits, we get our first look at Carrie. She's easy to pick out, because she's the one being verbally berated by everybody else for sucking at volleyball.
See? One of them just hit her in the head with a baseball cap! Bitches. Carrie, apparently accustomed to such abuse, just takes it all in stride and, after another equally ill-intentioned classmate informs her that "You eat shit!", she stands for a minute looking only mildly dejected before heading off to the showers with the rest of them. And it is in the gym showers that we get our first real look at how much of a misfit Carrie is and how ridiculously bitchy these girls are.

While going about her business in the shower, Carrie, to put it delicately, gets her first Monthly Visitor. And because her mother never (and we do mean NEVER..we'll get into that more later) sat her down and told her about the facts of life, Carrie has absolutely no idea what's going on and thinks she's hemmoraging to death. So of course she absolutely freaks the fuck out and comes stampeding out of the shower screaming bloody murder (no pun intended). Seeing as how we're dealing with a bunch of unsympathetic bitches, though, what she's greeted with is this:
Yep, bitches start throwing tampons at her and chanting obscenities. The mannerly young lady pictured above is Chris Hargensen, the biggest bitch of them all, and as such, the leader of all the other bitches. We're talking Regina George from Mean Girls, only about 150% more evil. So, Carrie is cowering in the corner of the shower, with feminine hygiene products raining down on her like rice at a wedding. Eventually the gym teacher makes an appearance and stops the shenanigans, but only after an overhead lightbulb bursts, seemingly on its own (Plot point!). In the next scene, before Carrie is sent home for the day due to the trauma she just endured in the shower, the principal's ashtray mysteriously flies across the room after he calls her 'Cassie' one too many times.
See? There it goes. What the light bulb and the ashtray serve to tell us, of course, is that Carrie's got the telekinesis. She can MOVE SHIT WITH HER MIND. Only she doesn't know it yet. But she will soon and then shit is gonna go down big time. But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. It's at this point in the movie that it's time to meet Carrie's mother.
Meet Carrie's mother. At first glance you might think she's just your average, normal but sort-of scarily religious Bible peddler. You'd be wrong. Oh boy howdy, would you be wrong. Wait until she gets the phone call from Carrie's school about what went down in the gym showers. She. gets. PISSED. "Oh sure," you're probably saying. "I don't blame her. I'd probably be pretty pissed too if I found out a bunch of high school age twats threw tampons at my kid after she got her first period in the shower." Nope. That's not what she's pissed about. No, she's mad at Carrie. For getting her period. I don't think you're quite taking the journey with me, so I'll say that again.

She's mad at Carrie. For getting her period.

And in case that's not enough evidence by itself that Momma is a bit of a nut, she starts beating Carrie with a Bible and ranting about how she must be an awful sinning harlot to have been visited by the monthly curse of womanhood, because nice God-fearing girls never have to deal with such things. Finally, she just drags Carrie into a closet, locks her in, and orders her to pray to the Scary Jesus Statue.
Christ, look at that thing. Here it is close-up:
I mean, damn! It's a wonder Carrie doesn't have more issues than she does, considering that this is definitely not the first time she's been locked in a closet and forced to pray to THAT. I mean, she's probably been locked in there with that thing since childhood. That would fuck a kid UP! I mean, Jesus....look at the eyes! They're fucking glowing!

Unfortunately, we can't stay in Carrie's closet the whole movie, so now we're back in the same Horror High School from the day before. This is very important, because this is where we the audience meet Tommy Ross.
That's him in the front, with the girlish blonde curls that were apparently all the rage for teenage boys in the late 70s. Carrie has a total crush on him. Unfortunately, his girlfriend is Sue Snell (a young Amy Irving), one of the Tampax throwers from the beginning of the movie. Incidentally, the girl behind Tommy with the red hat is Norma, best friend of Chris Hargensen and just as bitchy. Remember all this.

Now, listen carefully. Here's the deal. All the guilty tampon throwers have received a week's detention and must report to the gym every day after school for serious calisthenics. However, Chris fancies herself too good for that and downright refuses to serve her detention, for which she is suspended for a week and denied her prom tickets. Oh horrors! Meanwhile, Sue (Tommy's girlfriend) realizes what they did to Carrie was super shitty and, revealing herself to have a pretty good heart underneath it all, decides to make it up to her by having Tommy take Carrie to the prom (which by default would make Carrie a nominee for Prom Queen, since she would essentially be taking Sue's place). When Chris gets wind of this, she doesn't like it one bit. No siree. See, the way Chris figures it, it's all Carrie's damn fault that she's locked out of the prom. It's because of Carrie that she got the detention that she didn't serve. It's because of Carrie that she's not going to get to put on her stupid prom dress and dance the night away with her boyfriend. So Chris, being a bitch and all, comes up with the ultimate revenge plan, which we'll get to in just a minute. First let's see what Carrie is up to.
Reading up on her psychic mind powers, that's what she's doing. And now that she knows she's got telekinesis, she decides "Hey! I can totally kick ass and take names with just my sheer mind-force. I don't care what Momma says, I'm going to the motherfucking prom, dammit!" Well, she doesn't SAY that, but it's totally implied that's what she's thinking. Meanwhile, Chris is working on her revenge plan guaranteed to humiliate Carrie in front of the entire school on prom night.
Chris, since all her friends are on the prom committee and are pretty much at her beck and call, is gonna make goddamn sure that Carrie gets crowned prom queen. But first she convinces her boyfriend Billy (above right...yes, that's a young John Travolta) to sneak into the local pig farm and slaughter a few of the pigs. See, the plan is this. They'll put all that pig blood into a bucket and rig it in the rafters right above the spot on stage where the prom queen will be standing. That way, once Carrie is standing there all that has to be done is to pull a rope to knock over the bucket, and there will stand Carrie with the proverbial egg on her face (or blood, as the case may be), once again the butt of the joke in front of everyone. It's at this point that Chris successfully crosses the line from evil bitch into downright diabolical bitch.

But finally, prom night arrives. While Chris and Billy are off putting their evil plan into action, Carrie is at home, trying her best to get ready while her mother stands in the corner and bitches about Carrie's dress.
This is where we get the best two exchanges of dialogue in the whole movie:

#1- Momma: Red. I might have known it would be red.
Carrie: It's pink, Momma.

#2- Momma: I can see your dirtypillows. Everyone will.
Carrie: Breasts, Momma. They're called breasts, and everyone has them.

You go, girl. That line is so absurdly ridiculous I could cry tears of joy at how delightfully cheesy it is.

So after a last ditch attempt by her mother to get her to stay home ("They're all gonna laugh at you!"), Carrie tells her to shut the fuck up and hightails it out the door to go to....THE PROM. *dun dun duuuuuuuuuun*
And boy, what a prom. Nothing says memories like foil stars and disco balls made out of crepe paper. Hard to believe that in about an hour this happy scene will transform into one of pure horror and panic. Incidentally, I know it's kind of hard to tell from this picture, but there's enough hideous examples of 70s promwear here to keep you entertained for hours. Hideous as they are though, at least they're better than the two or three strips of fabric girls usually wear to prom these days. Embrace the 70s, girls. You'll stay a lot warmer.

Anyway, Carrie seems to actually be enjoying herself for once. She doesn't yet know that Chris and Billy are under the stage with a well placed rope, waiting for the right moment to strike. She doesn't know that there's a big bucket of pig blood over the stage and that very soon she'll be the most humiliated she's ever been in her entire life. Right now she's just enjoying a nice dance with Tommy. Meanwhile Sue is making her way over to the prom to check how things are going and make sure Carrie is having a nice time. It's a good thing she isn't there yet though, because if she were she would have seen this:
And that would have just been really awkward for everybody.

But alas, tis time! Tis time to crown the prom king and queen! Yay! Are you ready? I am! And I know Chris sure is.

So, like we all know, Carrie and Tommy are announced as the winners. They make their way to the stage amidst thunderous applause and take their places on the Stage of Tinfoil Stars. It is the calm before the proverbial storm.
But Sue, from her spot near the back of the stage where she's watching, notices the rope connected to the bucket. She tries to tell one of the teachers and is kicked out of the gym for her trouble, just a second before The Moment. The moment this whole entire movie leads to. The moment immortalized on every single piece of memorabelia connected to this film. The moment the blood drops.
Absolute silence reigns in the gymnasium. All you can hear is the clatter of the bucket as it hits Tommy in the head and knocks him unconcious. And then that bitch Norma starts to laugh and point, like the bitch she is. We see things entirely from Carrie's point of view, and in her mind EVERYONE is laughing at her, not just Norma, and her mother's words ("They're all gonna laugh at you!") and the things that were chanted at her in the gym shower run in a continuous sound loop and then...Carrie snaps. Girl has reached her breaking point, and who can blame her? This is the culmination of years of abuse from her classmates from kindergarten until right this moment. This is the absolute last straw, and she isn't going to take it anymore. This time they've gone too far. So, she decides to put her telekinesis to good use and LET THE BITCHES HAVE IT!
Oh yeah. She is PISSED. These bitches are going DOWN! Chris, unfortunately, has already escaped, but she'll get hers later, don't you worry. Now the once happy prom has turned into a scene of absolute pandemonium. Furniture is flying everywhere, the doors are locked, things are on fire, the sprinkler system is on, and people are dying everywhere. Whatever Carrie can throw at people with her telekinesis, she does. And when she's finished, she calmly walks right past the destruction and dead bodies and strolls serenely out the gym doors and away from the blazing school. On her way home, Chris and Billy pass by her and try to run her over with their truck, but evidentally they didn't get the memo about her powers, because she totally causes the truck to flip over and crash, killing both of them.

So anyway, once Carrie arrives home, as if she hasn't had to deal with enough shit tonight to last her the rest of her life, she finds that Momma is waiting for her behind the bathroom door. With a big-ass kitchen knife the likes of which wouldn't be seen again until 2 years later in John Carpenter's Halloween.

Apparently, she has decided that Carrie is a filthy sinner who should never have been born, and tonight is the night she is to be disposed of. Carrie uses her powers one last time, to do...um....this:
Hey! Just like the Scary Jesus Statue! Symbolism rocks! And speaking of rocks, tons of them start raining down on the house for reasons unexplained in the film but which make much more sense after you've read the book or seen the remake starring Angela Bettis, which we'll have to do another time. Anyway, all you need to know is, rocks are crushing the house to smithereens and Carrie drags Momma's body into the closet with her. You remember, the closet with that fucking scary statue. And there she meets her untimely demise. Death by a combination of falling rocks and the gaping stab wound Momma gave her in the back a few minutes earlier. God, life really sucked for you, Carrie. I hope they at least gave you a decent headstone.
Nope.

Well, we're almost done. But what would any review of Carrie be without a few screencaps of the very end dream sequence in which Sue dreams she's putting flowers on Carrie's grave......
...only to have Carrie's fucking bloody hand come up from the rubble and scare her shitless!
Roll credits, that's a wrap!

Now, I must say that this review doesn't even begin to do this movie justice. If you've never watched it before except in clips you really need to go out and rent it RIGHT NOW! It truly is a classic in the horror genre, or in any genre really. They're just not making movies like this anymore. I mean, they're TRYING. They're trying like mad. But they're failing miserably. So, go out, rent Carrie, and I guarantee you'll be adding it to your list of all time favorites very soon.

"I Just Wasted 17 Years," or The Attic Expeditions (2001)

2009-07-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

Before we begin this recap, I feel it's only fair to disclose that there was one reason, and one reason only, that I spent $2.99 on a used copy of this piece of crap. And that was the fact that Seth Green was featured prominently on the cover.
Granted, it's a really awful picture of him, but still. ~~As you can see from my icon, (*helpfully points to icon*) I have a bit of a thing for the Greenster.~~ And I said to myself, "Self, how bad can this movie be? I mean, it is a horror movie. Judging by the cover, it's a shitty horror movie, and you love those. And look, Seth Green is in it! You've been vowing to marry that guy ever since you were 13 and Idle Hands came out and you watched it 10 times in a row, and decided that he was much hotter than Devon Sawa, who was the reason you rented Idle Hands in the first place. It's a win-win, Self! Buy this movie!" That's what I said to myself.

But DAMN, this movie is baaaaaaad. This movie is so bad, I have seen it now a grand total of three times, and I still have NO EFFING CLUE what it's about. I'm not even kidding. So, take whatever you read in this recap with a grain of salt, because it's entirely possible that everything I say will be completely wrong. All I know is, it's begging to be ripped on but good.

So, in the first ten minutes or so, we are introduced to our main character, Trevor. Trevor is in a mental hospital or some such, and it would appear that the doctors plan to cut open his head and literally pick his brain. Trevor has a few flashbacks/dreams/whatever that introduce us to his girlfriend, Faith, and reveal that he may or may not have killed her after a weird witchcraft ritual gone wrong. Either way, she's dead. Alice Cooper also makes a cameo during all this.
See? Alice. Friggin'. Cooper. Moving on...

Trevor wakes up normally in a hospital bed, so I'm confused as to whether he actually had surgery, or dreamed about surgery, or what. Anyway, the head honcho of the mental hospital, whose name I at first thought was Dr. X, but is in fact Dr. Ek, informs Trevor that he has been a patient in the hospital for 4 years as part of his sentence for killing Faith. Now that he is somewhat rehabilitated, Trevor will be sent to a halfway house for recovering crazies called The House Of Love. (*Snort*) Dr. Ek also says something about a magical book or whatever that Trevor claimed to have written, which Trevor doesn't recall.

Trevor arrives at the House of Love and meets Abby, the director in charge of Love. She informs him that the Doorways Of Love are to remain open at all times, and points out the Kitchen of Love and her own Bedroom of Love, which are the only rooms forbidden to residents. He is then introduced to his new Roommates of Love, including Amy (slutty chick who draws pictures with crayons), Ronald (who is never seen without a puppet attached to one hand), Liz (who spends all her time in her bedroom typing) and Douglas (Seth). Douglas is something of an ally to Trevor and warns him to keep his distance from Amy, as she is a slutty Slutty McSlut.
Meanwhile, Dr. Ek and his assistant are watching everything that goes on in the House of Love via hidden cameras. They have some sort of discussion about why exactly they're doing that, but honestly, I wasn't paying attention. I'm sure it's for some great Evil Scientist reason, I dunno. Trevor frequently has dreams/visions/hallucinations about Faith and some trunk up in the Attic Of Love. This mysterious Trunk of Secrets must be muy importante, because ominous music plays whenever Trevor dreams of it.

One night, Ronald invites Trevor into his room, where he and his alligator puppet helpfully explain that Abby used to be in possession of a mysterious book, much like the one Trevor was told he wrote, and that the stuff Liz is constantly typing are stories from the book, or whatever. I really don't know...I was too busy being amused by Ronald and his puppet arguing with each other.
Cue the obligatory sex scene between Amy and Trevor, who has obviously chosen not to heed the wise advice of Douglas regarding Amy's skankiness. Trevor then has another dream that he's opening the Trunk of Secrets and that there's an evil mirror inside, and the mirror shows a bunch of "scary" stuff, including a severed pig head for whatever reason. Trevor wakes up from this dream by Amy's screams. I hope she's screaming because she just realized how shitty this movie is.
No, on second glance, she is in fact screaming because she has discovered Ronald's bloody corpse. Everybody gathers to view the body, and Trevor runs toward the attic door, and Abby restrains him and is all "I don't THINK so." What could be up there that she doesn't want him to see? A mysterious Trunk of Secrets, perhaps? *Raises eyebrow*

Next day, Trevor asks Douglas if maybe somebody is messing with his head and causing him to dream Trunky dreams. Douglas replies with a 2 minute monologue about....something. I'm sorry, I have no freaking clue what he said. Something about paranoia or hallucinations or whatever. For all I know, he was talking about chili cheese fries, or how to solve a Rubik's Cube. I was way too distracted by wondering who in the hell decided to put Seth Green in a pink shirt and then set him against a pink background. He looks like a giant peppermint inside a cotton candy machine. See, look:
Trevor is called into Abby's office, where she basically accuses him of murdering Ronald and his puppet, and tells him he had better watch his butt. Trevor then goes to smoke with Douglas. Douglas reveals that he too used to dream about the trunk in the attic. The two of them plan to go up in the attic that night and see what's what.

So they go up in the attic, and they see the trunk. Trevor goes all Scaredy McChickenpants and doesn't want to approach the trunk. Douglas has no such reservations and starts trying to kick the trunk open, which is a mission that might be better accomplished if he weren't wearing bunny slippers.
Just sayin'. Anyway, with every kick of the trunk, Trevor's head hurts. So, apparently he is one with the trunk? Or perhaps he has migraines. I dunno. All of a sudden he is back downstairs and starts pounding on Liz's door and yelling at her to stop typing up his magical fairy stories from the mysterious book. Everybody in the house comes out of their rooms, even Douglas, so the attic thing didn't just happen? I am so freaking confused. Anyway, Trevor opens Liz's door to discover Liz's dead body. He steps over the body and goes to her typewriter, and sees that her pages contain no words, only bloody spatters. Oh, I see. She was typing this movie's script in there. *Rimshot*

Trevor breaks down in a crying mess. Dr Ek and his assistant arrive to the House of Love and inject him with a strong hallucinogen, which sounds like a swimming plan, considering how fucked up he is already. Trevor has another dream about Faith that involves him running around in circles while white figures chase him, or something equally as retarded. I feel like running, also. Running to a safe place where this movie couldn't find me.

Dr. Ek and his Igor watch Trevor as he has this dream. The assistant points out that maybe they should quit giving him drugs that make him freak out so much (ya think?), and Dr. Ek is all "Didn't ask for your opinion, 'k? Thanks, bye."

What happens next is so confusing and stupid, I'm almost positive it ripped a hole in space and time. Between bouts of boredom and wondering what the hell was going on, I managed to grasp some key points. Trevor has a meeting with Dr. Ek and flashes back/dreams, yet again, about Faith and how they had bought a house that had the same trunk in it from the House of Love's attic, and how Faith really wants that mysterious witchcraft book, and she's ready to possess a House of Love resident if need be, and she tells him that the House Of Love is all a lie and everybody in there is an actor. Then the movie delves deeper into WTFery when Dr. Ek tells Trevor that there's this great place he's being sent to called the House of Love. Trevor arrives at HOL just as he did before, and nobody appears to know him.
Ok, I'm sorry, but I AM SO CONFUSED. What the frick is going on in this movie? Who the hell did they make this movie for? Why did Seth Green agree to be in this thing instead of reading the first 10 pages of the script and then tossing it in a bonfire? *Takes a deeeeeep breath* Okay. I'm ready to continue.

So, Trevor confronts Amy, who admits that her real name is Karen and that everybody at House of Love is an actor in an experiment to severely screw with Trevor's mind. Also, Ronald and Liz are not dead. Meanwhile, Dr. Ek's assistant has seen enough and makes to leave, promising Ek that he will make sure people know how unethical he is. Ek is all "Hell no" and injects him with some paralyzing stuff. He then delivers a monologue about magic and science and how he wants that goddamn magical book that everybody keeps talking about. My eye is starting to twitch from all the confusion.

Douglas visits Trevor in his room and states the obvious by being all "Dr. Ek is responsible for this." No, really? Who'da thunk? He then goes and takes the typewriter from Liz's room, and Dr. Ek calls some goons to go subdue him for what I'm sure is a completely stupid reason, but at this point I don't really care to ponder it for fear my head will explode. Anyway, before the goons show up, Douglas takes the typewriter and bashes Abby's head in with it. That's it. I've officially given up trying to understand this movie.

So, Douglas kills the goons with their own beatdown sticks. He is now covered in blood, which, combined with his red shirt and red(ish) hair, makes for a hell of a lot of red.
Meanwhile, Trevor has lost his shit and killed Amy. Karen. Whatever. Then Douglas appears and is all "I shall kill you!" and stuff. Apparently, he's possessed by Faith. Or something. Anyway, a chase ensues which is set to a shitty metal song. They end up in the attic, where Trevor finds the ceremonial witchcraft knife used to kill Faith in the beginning, and stabs Douglas with it. Douglas is all "Kiss me!" and then dies. LMAO.

So Trevor finally opens the freaking trunk, and a bloody hand reaches up and drags him into it. Roll credits. WTF??? Seriously, they're going to end it like that? SHENANIGANS.

Well. If your head hurt reading this recap, imagine how I felt watching the damn thing. Sad thing is, this isn't the shittiest movie I've ever sat through because of loyalty to an actor, but those are different blogs for another day.

"Eat The Cookie!" or Flowers In The Attic (1987)

2009-06-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Let me just say this right now: I have seen some BAD book-to-movie adaptations in my life, ok? But nothing, not even the mid-90's abortion that was The Baby Sitters Club Movie, can quite top this. This, my friends, is its own special brand of fail. Dear readers, I present to you, Flowers In The Attic. THIS RECAP IS FULL OF SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!! The movie differs (a lot) from the book, so the spoilers are mainly for the movie, although one or two from the book might be there.
Now, the book this movie is based on, while not a piece of Great Literature, is still a mighty fine page-turner that stands up well to multiple readings. It's interesting enough, and there's always another layer to peel back and discover something you missed before. However, it's not a book that you would think Hollywood would be falling all over themselves to turn into a commercial movie. An HBO miniseries, maybe. Not a major motion picture, though. I'm frankly surprised that 1) it was ever adapted at all, considering the pretty heavy themes running rampant in the novel, and 2) that they managed to adapt it with a PG-13 rating. In the end, they ended up with a sloppily written mess, as you will see.

So. Flowers In The Attic begins with "ominous" shots of a massive house with an impeccably manicured lawn. We are shown an empty, dusty attic full of stereotypical attic things, in addition to construction paper flowers. In the attic. How CLEVER. A woman's voice narrates as we are shown around the abandoned attic. The woman is the adult version of Cathy, whose teenage self will be our heroine in the rest of the film. Anyway, Cathy explains that this is the attic of "Grandmother's house."
Flashback many many years. Cathy, who we see here carefully studying the way her mother applies makeup, is 12 years old (according to the book, anyways...the movie doesn't tell you how old anyone is). She lives in her perfect suburban home with her mother Corinne, her father Christopher, her older brother Chris (14), and her twin siblings Carrie and Cory (5). Notice how everybody's name begins with a C. Theme naming = one of my pet peeves. It isn't cute. It's asinine. Anyhoodle..

Adult Cathy's narration smugly informs us that she was her father's favorite child. Superiority complex, much? We are shown an example of this favoritism when Dad comes into Cathy's room in the middle of the night to give her a music box shaped like a ballerina, with a ring inside. He says he wanted to wait until everybody else had gone to bed so they wouldn't be jealous. The whole scene is vaguely uncomfortable. Mom stands in the doorway silently giving them Bitch Face. The music box is given a lot of emphasis. An awful lot. If it could talk, it would say "Behold me, viewer! I shall play a big part later in the movie!"
Cut to the night of Dad's 36th birthday party. Mom and the kids are waiting for him to come home and fussing over last minute details. While the twins run around being annoying, Cathy angsts over the proper way to arrange 36 candles on the cake. I say quit your bitching and smack a "3" and a "6" candle on that sucker. Problem solved. They hear a car pull into the driveway, so all the kids hide behind the couch while Mom flings open the door. Unfortunately, it's not Dad standing there, but the police. The kids slowly emerge from behind the couch as the police inform Mom that Dad has died in a car wreck. Cathy screams.

We then segue to what appears to be quite awhile later. The house is almost bare, since they had to sell all their possessions to get by without Dad's income. Because Mom is kind of a selfish bitch, and getting a job to feed her children, of whom she is now the sole provider, is somehow beneath her. Anyway, it appears that Mom and the kids are going somewhere, since they have suitcases and are dressed in traveling clothes. Lo and behold, we see them next on a train in the middle of the night.
The family leads us down Exposition Avenue during their train ride. Turns out that Mom is taking the kids to her parents' house. Cathy asks why they've never met their grandparents, and Mom replies that, years and years ago, she made one hell of a faux pas that pissed off her dad so much, he totally disowned her. She doesn't elaborate on what that was exactly, but we'll find out later. Boy howdy, will we find out. Anyway, Mom says that ol' Grandad, who is filthy freaking rich, is about to kick the bucket. So she plans on getting back into his good graces and inheriting all his money when that happens.

Later in the day, still on the train, Cathy delivers an overly dramatic monologue complaining that Mom and Dad never allowed the children to have a pet. Because if they had one and it had died, they would have learned to deal with death. After this, we cut to the middle of the night, where the family is getting off the train in order to walk the rest of the way to Chez Grandparents. Because calling a taxi is just too much work for Mom.

They arrive early in the morning and are greeted by John, the creepy butler. Mom introduces John to the kids, and he only stares his very own Stare of Stareyness. He leads them into the main foyer of the enormous mansion, where Grandmother is waiting for them. Grandmother is a bitch. We can tell she is because she glowers a lot and wears black. She orders Mom to take the kids upstairs.
They are led to the top floor and hustled into a bedroom. Grandmother cuts all the bullshit and informs the kids that she won't tolerate any crap from any of them. Mom tells the kids to take a nap and recover from their journey, and Grandmother barks that the two boys are to share one bed, and the two girls are to share the other. Then she and Mom leave the room and lock the door behind them. Cathy rushes to the door to check that it is, indeed, locked. Chris wanders over to the windows and discovers that there are bars on them. He and Cathy exchange a "What the HELL is going on here?" look.

Later, Grandmother wheels a cart containing a complete balanced breakfast into the room for the kids. She's all "You're a bunch of filthy sinners and God will punish you." Cory interrupts with "I have to go to the bathwoom!" and Grandmother is all "Shut up." HAHA. Then she decides it's time for a stroll down Back Story Boulevard. She informs the children that their parents were uncle and niece, and that they (the kids) are therefore the spawn of Satan. And, oh yeah, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. I guess we know why Mom was disowned, then. She tells them that Grandfather has no idea they even exist, and that she'll never tell him because it would be too much for his old heart. She leaves and Cory hauls ass to the "bathwoom."
Downstairs, Grandmother exhibits further bitchitude by taking out a whip and lashing the hell out of Mom. In a later scene we are told that she was whipped 17 times, one for each year she was married to Dad. I mention this now because immediately after the whipping, Mom comes into the kids' room, with only a slight limp to indicate her "pain." The kids are excited to see her and scream annoyingly, and Grandmother comes running in and is all "Shut UP!!!" Carrie, in a grand display of testicular fortitude, walks right up to Grandmother and lets out the biggest scream she can muster. She is rewarded for it by being picked up by the ears and held aloft for a few minutes. I'm not even kidding, look:
It reminds me of that scene Matilda (the book) in which Miss Trunchbull did the same thing to a student who couldn't spell "what." Anyway, Cory rushes to defend his twin by biting Grandmother's ankle, so Grandmother kicks his stunt double in the face and drops Carrie's stunt double to the floor. She then orders Mom to take off her shirt and show the kids how it's gonna go down if they ever dare to cross her. Observe the wounds:
I'm sorry, WHAT??? That whip was huge, and she got 17 lashes! 17!!!!!! She shouldn't be walking around, she should be DEAD, or at the very least curled up in the corner, in the fetal position, muttering incoherent sentences because the intense pain from such a whipping has rendered her brain to jelly.

Well, anyway. The kids are rightfully horrified and helpfully apply antiseptic to Mom's whip wounds after the Grandmother leaves. Mom tells them that, now that she's accepted her punishment for being such a ho, she will start tomorrow to win back Grandfather's approval. Before she leaves, she shows Cathy and Chris the door in the room that leads to the attic and instructs them to turn it into their own little hideaway.

After Mom leaves, Cathy and Chris discuss what they now know about their family history. They opt to have this discussion while undressing and getting into their PJ's. Then they climb into the same bed because Carrie and Cory are zonked out on the other one. Methinks the Grandmother would NOT approve of this arrangement.

Next morning, Grandmother wheels in the breakfast cart, which now inexplicably contains powdered cookies. The cookies are super duper important, which we know because the camera lingers on them for quite a bit. Grandmother gives the kids a slip of paper that contains the rules they have to follow at all times and then leaves. The kids make to go up to the attic and SURPRISE, Grandmother appears back in the room like a pop-up ad to remind them sternly that they are to "Never be seen." I would ask who exactly is going to see them IN THE ATTIC, and also whether somebody hearing them walking on wooden flooring might be a more valid concern, but I won't. Oh, wait. Guess I just did.

So, the attic. The attic is large and covered in plastic cobwebs available for 3.99 a bag at Halloween Express. It is also, like I said earlier, full of stereotypical attic crap such as rocking horses, covered furniture, and ugly statues of lions. A montage of the kids cleaning up the attic follows. Chris constructs a makeshift swing for the twins, and a makeshift barre for Cathy to practice her ballet (and so he can creepily watch her dance, apparently). He also conveniently finds an ancient microscope (he wants to be a doctor). Adult Cathy narrates that weeks, then months, went by, and still they were locked in that bedroom/attic. She explains also that Mom has been visiting less and less, and has pretty much stopped coming at all. Cathy stares wistfully at her ballerina music box. Later, as the kids sit in the attic making construction paper flowers to decorate it, the twins complain that they want to go outside and ask if Mom doesn't like them anymore.
Cathy and Chris discuss what could possibly be keeping Mom from visiting them, and conclude that she must be a hostage someplace in the house. This conversation takes place while Cathy is in the bathtub, which is...um...yeah. Then they once again sleep in the same bed because the twins have hijacked the other one. And the Grandmother discovers these sleeping arrangements the next morning when she brings the cart of food. Of course, she flips the fuck out and accuses them of being filthy sinners. And I wonder, if this was going to be an issue, and considering the family history with Mom and all, why she didn't just give the girls and the boys separate rooms. Problem solved. But whatever. Grandmother gives the children the Icy Glare Of Bitchdom while standing next to Cathy's beloved ballerina music box, and Cathy looks nervously from Grandmother to the music box.

Oh yeah. That music box is so done for. Grandmother swipes it to the floor, where it falls in slooooooooow mooooootioooooooon, and Cathy falls to her knees in anguish and picks up the broken pieces and is all "Nooooooooo, my faaaaaaatheeeeer gaaaaaave that to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Seriously, I didn't make up those drawn out words. She really says it that way.
Cathy and Chris decide they've had quite enough of the Grandmother's shit and devise a plan to remove the bars from the attic window and escape out of it to find Mom and file a complaint. They make it outside, but have to scurry right back up their little rope because the caretaker's dogs bark at them in a ferocious manner. Mission not accomplished.

The next morning, Mom finally manages to get her ass upstairs to visit the kids. She bitches to Cathy and Chris about their escape shenanigans and is all "You could have RUINED everything!" She reminds them that they need to stay locked away until Grandfather concludes his waltz with the Grim Reaper. She half-heartedly suggests that they could get the hell out of Dodge right now (which Cathy wants) or they can wait for Granddad's death and get money, because he's thisclose to dying. Chris, being a wussy Momma's boy, buys her bullshit hook, line, and sinker and is all "Ok Mom, whatever you say. You know best." Cathy walks away in a huff.

Time marches on. Cory finds a mouse and keeps it as a pet. Newer, stronger bars are installed in the attic windows. And Cathy and Chris continue to have deep conversations about their situation while Cathy happens to be bathing. Grandmother walks in on one such conversation and is all "OMG SIN!" and Chris voices what I said earlier and is all "You're the one that locked us in this room together, Buttercup."While I agree with the sentiment, Chris, I also feel I should point out that there's at least 23.5 hours a day when your sister is NOT in the bathtub in which you might have discussions. So, um...that's all. Moving on.

So, one morning, everybody wakes up to discover Cory is gone and get all panicky with "OMG where is he????" Guys, you're locked in. There's only so many places he could be. Sure enough, they find him in the attic with his pet mouse, and all is right with the world. The only reason this scene exists is to make sure Cathy is the first one back downstairs and is conveniently all alone when Grandmother surprises her and pushes her down, wielding a pair of scissors. She locks the attic door to keep the other kids out of the room and gets to work cutting Cathy's hair. Or, more precisely, she gets to work cutting hair from an obvious blonde wig. Then she leaves and Chris observes Cathy crying like a baby in the bathroom because her precious hair is gone. Chris does his best to even it out, and Cathy ends up looking like this:
Notice the rough hay-like quality of the hair, which screams "I'M A CHEAP WIG!"

Time continues to march on. The children are increasingly getting more chalky pancake makeup applied to their faces to make them appear malnourished and sickly. Mom is seen receiving presents from Grandfather and enjoying a rather lavish lifestyle with her new boyfriend (!) while the kids more or less starve upstairs. Cory in particular becomes so weak from lack of food that Chris cuts his own vein open and makes Cory drink his blood for nourishment. Eeeew.

Finally, Chris devises another plan for getting out of the room, by removing the door from its hinges. OMFG IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO THINK OF THAT????? So anyway, they get out of the room (leaving the twins, the better to conduct business swiftly) and go exploring. Curiously, despite the fact that they've been deprived of food for awhile, they opt not to explore the kitchen. They find Mom's room, full of expensive shit, and Cathy is dumbstruck by the fact that this bitch has been living so luxuriously while they've been suffering. Chris is all "I'm sure there's an explanation." Chris, you annoy me with your stupidness.

Presently, they stumble into Grandfather's room and are unable to tell whether he is dead or sleeping. So they get really really close to his face. Of course, he wakes up at exactly the right moment and they scream, and then John The Butler appears and they scream some more. And then they go back to their room. Cathy tells Chris they need to take the twins and blow this Popsicle stand, because it's obvious that Mom is never going to take them away from the house. Chris put on his Momma's Boy hat and is all "But I'm suuuure Mom will come visit soon and she'll have perfectly logical explanations for everything." CHRIS OMG YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH. Their argument is interrupted by Cory, who has to throw up.

Cut to a shot of cookies. Remember the cookies? A disembodied hand sprinkles the powdered sugar on them. Cathy wakes up from a nightmare to find a tray of food at the foot of her bed, containing the cookies. The movie really wants you to pay attention to those cookies.
Up in the attic, the kids sit around looking depressed. Even more gray pancake makeup has been applied to their faces, in addition to "sunken eye" makeup. Carrie starts taking down the paper flowers because it's almost winter. The movie doesn't tell you how long they've been upstairs by this point, but at this point in the novel, they've been up there for almost 3 years. Hard to tell in the movie, seeing as how nobody has aged and Cathy's hay wig is still short. Anyway, all four kids are sick, but Cory is the sickest. Chris reads some symptoms out of a medical book and asks Cory if he has any of them. Suddenly, Mom shows up all full of sunshine and smiles and is all 'I'm baaaaaack!" She compliments Cathy on her new haircut (HAHA) and tells the kids that she's finally won the approval of Grandfather, and is getting her very own party tonight to commemorate the occasion. Even better, she'll be getting all his money when he croaks.

The kids are not impressed. Cathy and Chris rip her a new one and voice their grievance that she doesn't seem to give a shit that they are sick, riddled with sores, and are routinely deprived of food. Mom gets all huffy and is all "Well, I'll be back when you've stashed the attitude and can treat me with LOVE". What. A. Bitch. Chris and Cathy sneak downstairs that night and watch the party from behind a vent. They observe Mom being proposed to by her new man candy, and are understandably pissed.

Next morning, Grandmother comes in with the food and cops a bitchitude because everybody is in pajamas and is all "What have I told you about being together in your NIGHT CLOTHES??" Once again, this is a problem that could have easily been solved by separate bedrooms. *sigh*

The kids tell her that Cory is very sick. Grandmother leaves and comes back with Mom, who doesn't appear to give a rat's ass. Cathy loses her shit and yells that Mom had better fucking take Cory to a hospital, because if she doesn't, Cathy will make damn sure she pays for being such a shitty mother. Mom slaps Cathy for mouthing off, and Cathy slaps her back. Grandmother summons John the Butler and instructs him to bring the car around for Cory because Mom is gonna take him to the hospital whether she likes it or not.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Cory pulled through, because while the kids are shown waiting anxiously for news, the caretaker is shown digging a grave. Mom finally enters the room and coldly informs the kids that Cory is dead. Outside, we see that the caretaker is digging not just one grave, but four. Might be a good idea for yall to run away now. Just a thought.

An undisclosed amount of time later, Carrie points out to her brother and sister that Cory's pet mouse seems to have gone to the Great Rat Race In The Sky. Inside the dead mouse's cage, the kids find a piece of cookie. The same cookies they've been eating all this time. Chris spends some quality time with his medical book and concludes that the powder on the cookies has been laced with arsenic. In light of the fact that they've been slowly poisoned for months/years/whatever, Chris decides that they're gonna go downstairs tonight, steal whatever money they can find, and then run away. IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

Chris goes downstairs that night go make with the thievery, and discovers that tomorrow is the day of Mom's wedding. He goes back upstairs and informs Cathy that, since the Grandmother can't possibly lock the front door with so many people coming in and out for a wedding party, they'll simply walk out tomorrow. We then cut to the next morning, as another plate of cookies is being sprinkled with aresneic sugar. This time, we clearly see it's Mom doing the sprinkling with a cold and calculated look on her face.
So, all three kids leave the room and head downstairs. Before they leave, Cathy wants to go inform the Grandfather that they exist and that Mom is a bitch who's been slowly murdering them. So they go to his room and discover that he's already dead and has been for quite some time. They also find a copy of the will laying conveniently on a table that states that if it's ever discovered that Mom produced children with her first husband, she'll be permanantly disinherited. The kids, wishing to make goddamn sure that the bitch never sees one red cent after what she did to them, make toward the wedding ceremony being held in the house.

After making quite a stunning entrance to the ceremony in progress, Cathy is all "Hi MOTHER!" and Carrie is all "Momma?" and Mom is all 'Do I know you?" Cathy screams a recap of all the important plot points before the entire congregation. Then she waves a piece of poison cookie in Mom's face and is all "Here, eat it!"
Mom backs away like it's going to shoot her and Cathy chases her outside with it, demanding that she eat it. A catfight ensues, resulting in Mom falling over a balcony and being hung by her own veil. To which I say, GOOD. Bitch had it coming.

At long last, the kids leave the house as Grandmother watches them through an upstairs window. Adult Cathy narrates that Chris went to medical school, Carrie grew up with a bevy of health problems due to her time in the attic eating arsenic cookies, and Cathy herself started ballet dancing again. Roll credits.

My suggestion: Go read the book and its sequels.

"Your Ass Stinks" or Return To Sleepaway Camp (2008)

2009-06-15T02:04:00.000-07:00

And now we come to it. The final chapter (for now) in the Sleepaway Camp franchise. Return To Sleepaway Camp had, apparently, been stuck in development hell for like 6 years or something, because it was supposed to come out in 2002 and was only recently released last fall. This is truly a gem of the series.

Naaaah, I'm totally kidding. Actually, while it doesn't exactly suck out loud, nobody would mistake it for a Good Movie. Good to know a movie can be worked on for so long and still be a turkey. Fortunately, I enjoy turkey. For all it's turkiness, though, the movie does have some good qualities. For one thing, it tones down the self-referential slasher humor several hundred notches and makes a quasi-return to the campy yet serious tone of the first movie. For another, a shitload of cast members from the first movie have come back. So, yeah. Let's DO THIS. (By the way, if you haven't yet seen this particular entry in the series, this recap is going to be super duper spoilerific. So, consider yourself warned. It's also a lot longer than usual, so grab a sandwich or something).
Behold, dear readers: the DVD cover art for Return To Sleepaway Camp. I like it. I like it a lot. It reminds me of the poster for Friday The 13th. The only thing that bothers me is the weird capitalization of the word "mean." It looks out of place. Either capitalize everything, or capitalize "Kids" and leave the rest.

As is the tradition with Sleepaway Camp films, the film opens with a credits sequence featuring a shitty metal song that is probably playing in a Hot Topic near you as we speak, per se. The credits play out over newspaper clippings that basically recap the first movie for you. Apparently, this movie is going to pull a Halloween H20 on us and pretend that the last two sequels never happened. That kind of makes me want to cry, knowing that Death By Toilet never occurred. *Sniff*

Well, anyway. According to those clippings, our setting for slasher terror this time is the idyllic Camp Manabe, where a cabin full of 13 year old boys are currently lighting their farts on fire. Charming. As they are giggling over this, a boy named Alan comes out of the bathroom and demands to know what's so effing funny. Now, this isn't just any boy. This is a sweaty beast of a boy who appears to have not bathed in at least six months. Seriously, his hair is filthy, and there's huge greasy stains on his shirt and everything. Behold the disgustingness:
Since you undoubtedly now feel like you need a shower, I'll wait. I'll wait right here for you to come back.

*Humming "Wake Me up Before You Go-Go" and filing nails*

All done? Good. Now, Alan demands to be given a turn at creating Fart Fire. He is made fun of for being gross and lights some aerosol in retaliation, which gets him in trouble with Randy, the British counselor. Alan doesn't like being told what to do, so he hurls some choice insults at Randy before running out the door, including calling him a "big penis" and informing him that his ass stinks. His words, not mine. Randy mutters that he'll show that little jackass what's what one of these days.

In the mess hall the next day, Alan (still wearing the disgusting greasy shirt from the night before, eeew) hurls some kind of food stuff at one of the boys for no reason. Randy remarks that if Alan wasn't such a "wanker," maybe his brother wouldn't be moving in on his girlfriend. We follow Randy's gaze to a neighboring table, Alan's crush, Karen, is being talked up by Alan's brother. Everybody at the table has a good laugh at Alan's expense.
Presently, the camp owner gets up and, with the help of another counselor, gets everybody's attention. He announces that a police officer is here to speak to them about the dangers of smoking. The police officer, speaking through a voice box thingy, tells the sad story of how he smoked for 30 years and lost his voice due to cancer, and all the campers find this riotously funny. They laugh like hyenas for a few minutes to show us what big asshats they are.

Back at Randy's table, Alan is bitching that the camp food is gross and that he refuses to eat it. Randy is all "Tough, eat it anyhow." Alan still refuses, and Randy gets pissed and shoves Alan's head into his plate, yelling at him to "Eat the fucking chicken." Wow. Alan is an ass-cozy and all, but...that's just asking for a lawsuit, man. Anyway, when Alan still refuses to eat the chicken, Randy throws the plate onto the floor, and shoves Alan onto the floor as well, commanding him to clean it up. Lawsuits, lawsuits, let's watch the potential lawsuits pile up. Randy and Alan are about to beat the crap out of each other, when somebody intervenes. Who is it?
Hey, it's Ronnie (aka Short Shorts) from the first movie! What a surprise! Short Shorts takes Alan aside and calmly requests that he refrain from being a turd. Alan puts on a pleasant facade and agrees, only to pull a girl's pigtails when Short Shorts isn't looking. A chick named Bella, who is made of sass and attitude (hereby referred to as sassitude), trips Alan and is all "Your face looks like my ass!" HAHAHAHAHAHA. I like Bella. Like Angela twenty years before him, Alan is given the Special Snowflake treatment and is sent to the kitchen to get something special to eat. Here we meet Charlie the chef. But I'm just gonna call him Chef. I think the following visual aid expresses my reason for that.

Chef is quitting for the day, but tells Alan that his assistant Mickey will take care of him. Mickey will do no such thing, and yells at Alan to get the hell out of the ice cream freezer. Naturally, Alan helps himself to ice cream anyway. By the way, his shirt has gotten REALLY gross over the course of the day. The grease stains are multiplying. EEEW EEEEW EEEEW. Anyway, Mickey gets pissed over that and starts throwing eggs at Alan. Alan throws knives at Mickey. Short Shorts, the camp owner, and a counselor named Petey put a stop to these shenanigans, and Alan runs off.

Michael, Alan's brother, has been sent to go fetch him, so he chases Alan until they end up in the woods. Alan sits down and starts playing with some frogs, and is all "The frogs are my friends." LMAO. It is revealed that Alan is an asshole because of a fever he had as a child. It is also revealed that Michael is really Alan's stepbrother, not that it has any bearing on the plot. Michael kicks some frogs just to piss Alan off, and Alan pulls a knife on him and is all "Go away."

So later, Mickey is in the kitchen by himself, picking his nose and preparing hamburgers and fries for his dinner. Presently, a pair of feet advance upon him and somebody pounces, lifting Mickey up and holding him aloft over the vat of french fry oil. This mysterious somebody listens to Mickey's pleading for a few minutes before awesomely dropping him face first into the oil. (Body Count: 1) If this kill sounds familiar, that's because it pretty much copies the first kill in Part 1. So, brownie points for that. Mystery Killer then tosses his burnt ass into a trash compacter, much like what was done to Milkshake in Part 3.

Later on, Chef and Short-Shorts go to Frank the camp owner and bitch that they told Mickey to take the damn trash out hours ago and it's still there, and now there's rats by the trash compacter. Frank's like "Fire him," and goes back to petting his pet parrot, Matilda. An awful lot of emphasis is placed on Matilda, which leads me to believe that something non-PETA approved is going to happen to her later.

Hey, there's a party going on in the rec hall! Just like in the first movie. Seriously, there's even a kid sitting on a bench eating a candy bar, exactly like Angela did in Part 1. If they could have done so, the filmmakers would have erected a huge flashing neon sign in the corner of the screen that says "LOOK AT THE PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS MOVIE AND THE ORIGINAL! AREN'T THEY GREAT?" Yeah, they're ok. Just ok.
Anyways, YAY PARTY! Alan comes strutting out in all his disgusting glory (his grease stained shirt has gotten still greasier and it's kind of starting to make me ill...you KNOW this kids smells like B.O., and possibly worse) and acts like a complete douche. He saunters up to Karen and tries to act all cool around her, which is kind of pathetic, and she's all "You smell!" Hahahaha. Then Alan withstands a bevy of physical abuse from his fellow campers until an all-out brawl has broken out. Unfortunately, the brawl is broken up by Frank and that Petey girl. Petey is shown to be the one counselor in the camp who is somewhat sympathetic to Alan, since she does acknowledge that the other campers actually started the fight.

Alan makes his way behind the rec hall's stage, where two guys are smoking weed. After a misunderstanding where they refer to a joint as "a fatty" and Alan almost gets pissed until he realizes they weren't talking about him (*Snort*), they offer him a joint. He starts smoking it and collapses from how disgusting it is. It's not a real joint, see, for instead of pot, it is filled with cow poo. Since Alan has never tried it before, he doesn't know any better and keeps saying "Yeah, this stuff is awesome!" between his gasps for clean air. And this movie has officially made me nauseous. Yet another brawl breaks out when Alan finds out, and once again it's broken up by Petey.

Later that night, the two stoner guys and their girlfriends are out in back of a cabin smoking and carelessly tossing their butts next to gasoline cans. Both girls and one stoner guy leave, leaving the other stoner all by his lonesome outside. Do you know what it's time for? No, not a sexy party. It's time for another kill! And a pretty awesome one, too. A mysterious somebody approaches Stoner Guy and ties him to his own chair. Then, a hose is attached to a gasoline can, and gasoline is pumped into Stoner's mouth. When that is finished, a piece of tape emblazoned with the words "Drugs are for Dummies" is pasted across Stoner's mouth with a single hole in it. In this hole is placed a cigarette, which is then lit. Body Count: 2
As the charred remains of the body are being cleaned up, Ronnie and Frank and Officer Voice Box discuss the tragic turn of events. Ronnie is like "Angela must be back!" and for the benefit of Officer VB, we are given the whole "Angela was really a dude who killed campers 20 years ago" back story. Frank disregards this theory as a load of codswallop and is all "Do NOT discuss this Angela person!"

Next day, Alan pesters Karen until she finally agrees to meet him later in his secret hiding place in the woods, where all the frogs are. Following that small triumph, Alan is continually shot at close range with paintball guns, adding a rainbow of paint stains to his already nasty, grease-filled shirt. I can hardly stand to look at the boy anymore, that's how disgusting his shirt has become. Meanwhile, that police officer has paid a visit to none other than Angela's cousin Ricky. He tells Ricky about the death of Stoner Boy and implies that it might be connected to the Great Camp Arawak Massacre of 1983. Ricky takes offense to that and is all "But she's been locked up in the nut house for 20 years and I see her every few weeks" and Police Officer is all "You mean him." HAHA. Anyway, Ricky is like "Screw off" and Police Officer drives away looking thoughtful behind the sunglasses that are permanently attached to his face.
So, back to Alan. As she promised, Karen meets him in his secret hideaway, only to haul ass out of there when she sees a bunch of dead skinned frogs lying around. Turns out that two of Karen's guy friends did the skinning both for the purpose of embarrassing Alan in front of her, and to just plain piss him off since he regards the frogs as friends. Alan runs after Karen to tell her he didn't kill the frogs, and they wind up on the pier during Free Swim. Karen is all "Get AWAY from me, freak" and every counselor comes to her defense. Randy takes that a step further and encourages some campers to give Alan a wedgie and then throw him in the water. (Hey, I got a great idea. Let's drink every time homage is paid to a scene from the first movie!) Unlike with Angela, I can't say I have any sympathy for Alan being tossed in the lake, because at least his shirt got cleaned a little in the process. THANK YOU. Petey, who is fast becoming this movie's answer to Ricky, assists Alan out of the water and tells off the counselors.

That night, another trick is played on Alan (Karen lures him behind the rec hall stage so that her guy friends can strip off all his clothes and then shove him out on the stage, where Alan is caught wearing nothing but undies). While this was mean of them, at least he's no longer wearing that nasty shirt. So, you know, whatever.

Once again, Petey saves the day. She and Ronnie take Alan back to his bunk (and put a clean shirt on him, I notice). After Alan falls asleep, Ronnie starts looking at Petey thoughtfully before absolutely losing his shit and demanding to know who Petey REALLY is, because it's awfully suspicious that she's constantly right there to save Alan's butt. Ronnie believes that Petey is Angela in disguise and is screaming at her when Police Officer interrupts the scene, with Frank hot on his heels. Ronnie starts babbling to them that Petey is Angela and needs to be stopped before she kills again. Frank is like "I told you to shut up about that crap." During this argument, a bunch of boys gather outside and start chanting obscene things, which wakes Alan up. Alan snaps and run off into the woods, which nobody seems to care about.

To be honest, this movie is kind of starting to bore me. Luckily, it is now time for another kill. Sweet. The victim this time is Frank. Our mysterious somebody removes Matilda from her cage, which causes the bird to squawk. Frank emerges to see what the bird's problem is and gets whacked on the head. When he wakes up, he finds that he is tied to a chair, with Matilda's cage placed over his head. The killer advances on him with a bag full of something that is moving and he/she hits the bag to make sure whatever is in there is also pissed. They then empty the contents of the bag, which turns out to be rats, into the cage to share space with Frank's head. Body Count: 3
As a special treat, we're gonna be given another kill scene. Randy and his girlfriend Linda are in the woods in order to get down and dirty. However, they forgot their sleeping bag, and, like a real gentleman, Randy orders Linda to go fetch it while he takes a piss. Such chivalry. *Eye roll* As Randy is getting his business done, our Mysterious Killer ties him to a tree. Randy assumes it's his girlfriend, as is the horror cliche. So he isn't really upset about the tying. He does, however, start to protest when a piece of sharp wire is tied around his junk. Linda hears his screams and is all "You're on your own, I ain't waiting around to be killed with you." So she hops into the Jeep and speeds off. Unfortunately for Randy, the other piece of the wire is attached to the car. As Linda speeds away, Randy's penis pops right the hell off. Seriously, it POPS. RIGHT. OFF. With an actual "Pop" sound and everything. It's hilarious. I think we can assume he died of massive blood loss, even though it isn't shown. So, Body Count: 4. Don't worry, the killer didn't forget about Linda. They set up a nice piece of barbed wire for her to run into while she speeds out of the woods. Body Count: 5

Moving right along, a boy alone in his cabin is looking at a dirty magazine when a sharpened broomstick pops up through a hole in the floor and nearly misses his head. Naturally, he decides to put his eye right up close to the hole, which is always a smart thing to do in a horror movie. Needless to say, the broomstick comes right back up and impales the kid right through the head. Body Count: 6. In the midst of all these happenings, Ronnie discovers Frank's body, which is all the proof he needs that he was right and Angela has returned. Or has she? Nobody knows.

As if the movie has realized that it's practically over and not enough kills have occurred, the kill scenes just keep on coming like Pez candy. The next victim is Bella, the awesome girl with the sassitude from earlier in the movie. Bella enters her cabin to find it empty, and flops down on her bottom bunk. She turns onto her back to see that the bottom of the bunk above her has been riddled with sharp nails. Before she has much time to ponder why there's so many nails pointing at her face, Mysterious Killer throws him or herself upon the top bunk with all their might, breaking it and effectively driving every last nail into Bella. Body Count: 7, and I have to say, I'm sorry to see Bella go. I enjoyed her sassitude.

Now that bodies are starting to be discovered, Ronnie is on a mission to track down Petey, whom he is still convinced is Angela in disguise. Campers gather around him and insist that Alan is the killer, since everybody who has been discovered dead so far had been a total jackass to him and he hasn't been seen since he ran off earlier. Police Officer Dude appears and tells everybody to shut the fuck up, as they are not helping by causing more commotion. Cousin Ricky suddenly shows up, and asks Police Officer why the hell he asked him to come here. Police Officer is all "I didn't" and says that somebody must have pretended to be him and asked Ricky to come. Finally, it is decided that Police Officer will search for Alan on one end of the camp and Ronnie and Ricky will search on the other. Everybody disperses.
Meanwhile, Karen is running like a maniac through the woods, because she has discovered Bella's body, is convinced that Alan is responsible, and believes she will be killed next. She runs and runs until she is knocked out by the killer. She comes to and discovers that her neck is tied to the basketball hoop in the rec hall. She is slowly hoisted upward and is about to be hung when Alan's stepbrother Michael and Police Officer Dude come rushing in and stop the rope from being hoisted any further. Karen is hysterical and is all 'It's ALAN!!! HE DID IT!"
Speaking of Alan, the movie now shows us that he's sitting in his secret hiding place, crying over his dead frogs. Michael suddenly shows up, ready to kick his ass. He beats the crap out of Alan before being interrupted by a Mysterious Somebody. Fade to black.

Ronnie and Ricky are still searching for Alan and eventually wander into his secret hiding spot. They find Alan beaten but concious, and then look around some more. They are quite shocked by what meets their eyes, although I am not, because I saw it coming from the beginning of the movie.

We see a pair of feet walking slowly towards Ronnie and Ricky, and the distinctive robotic sound of a voice being filtered through an artificial voice box, saying that the dead people were mean and deserved their fates. We also see various things being tossed onto the ground as the feet walk, such as a fake mustache, a wig, and a rubber nose. Finally, the voice box is thrown onto the ground, and the normal voice of Angela informs them that Michael has been skinned alive, made to suffer the same fate as the frogs. Cool. Body Count: 8 The movie ends with an awesome shot of Angela laughing maniacally before giving us in the audience the Icy Glare of Death.
See?

Well, there you have it. We have officially covered every last Sleepaway Camp film there is. Hasn't it been awesome? Stay tuned for next time, when I recap...well...something. I haven't decided yet.

Drag Me To Hell

2009-06-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

I know you're biting your nails in anticipation of Return To Sleepaway Camp's recap, and I'm working on it. In the meantime, heed my wise words. Ready? Here they are:

Get your butt to the theater and see Drag Me To Hell. RIGHT NOW, people. It's officially the best horror movie of 2009, and not nearly enough people have seen it, judging by its horrible box office take so far. I have spoken.

"Have A Nice Life...What's Left Of It," or Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

2009-05-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

After two months of being, frankly, too damn tired to blog anything, we are FINALLY continuing our Sleepaway Camp posting bonanza. I present to you Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Such wonders as bad wigs, stupid one liners, campers with the IQ of a french fry, and 80s teenage punk bad-assery await you. Let's start, as always, with the poster:
Well. At least they're up front about what you can expect from this masterpiece of a film. Moving on to the movie itself...

NOTE: As was the case with Sleepaway Camp 2, I am reviewing this movie from the crappiest of DVD transfers from the $5 bin. Lucky me.

We open on a teenage girl waking up and getting ready to go to summer camp while arguing with her offscreen mother. The first thing she does is take off her shirt (of course) and the camera lingers on her nonexistent boobs for, like, 5 minutes. Long enough for us to notice that she has the word "Milk" tattooed on one booby and the word "Shake" on the other. Hilarious. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right... Sorry.

Anyhoodle, she starts a-walkin' to the bus stop with her little duffel bag in hand, all excited about camp and stuff. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a big old Mack truck. A Mack truck with a mission. A mission to kill Milkshake here. Three guesses who's behind the wheel. The truck chases Milkshake into an alley and runs her ass over. (Body Count: 1) Next thing you know, Milkshake is being dragged and stuffed into the nearest trash compacter by...ANGELA. She's baaaaaaack! And she's dressed exactly like Milkshake, right down to the hair. That's right. Gone are Angela's curly brown locks from Part 2. Instead she's wearing a wig that looks like....well...I'll just let the wig speak for itself.
I know, right? It's like it's looking into your soul. Anyway...

Angela dons some bitchin' shades (see above) and boards the bus to Camp New Horizons. As the bus pulls away, some wall graffiti is revealed that says, with gusto, "Angela is Back!" Indeed she is. Indeed she is. And with that, the opening credits start rolling. Unlike with the crappy DVD of Sleepaway Camp 2, I can actually hear the music over the credits this time. And I have to say, I'm not impressed. You crazy 80s punk kids and your heavy metal. Get off of my lawn.

Cut to a news reporter lady providing us with exposition as she interviews the owners of Camp New Horizons, husband and wife Herman and Lily (tee-hee), who happily explain that the purpose of the camp is to mix together snobby rich kids with hardened children of the street and watch how they work together in peace and harmony. Right. Let me know how that works out for ya. We then are introduced to some of the snobby rich kids in their clean-cut Growing Pains clothes. Here we meet queen bitch Cindy, full of himself Greg, Madonna-wannabe Jan, hopeless nerd Peter, jock asshole Bobby, and goody two shoes Marcia. Do those names sound familiar? Well they should.
This naming scheme is even more amusing than the Brat pack theme in Part 2. Now we meet the charity case poor kids, who are mostly dressed all in black with plenty of metal doo-dads to indicate how punk they are. Arab, Snowboy, Anita, Riff, Tony, aaaaand...Angela. But she's pretending her name is Maria. Shhhhhhh.

Because no Sleepaway Camp film would be complete without them spelling out who the resident bitch is right up front, Marcia (who is set up to be our most likely Final Girl) confides to Cindy that she thinks Tony is cute and Cindy is all "But...he's Mexican!" in her snottiest voice. Wow. Such racist bitchery so early in the morning. The news reporter lady continues her coverage by explaining to us that Camp New Horizons is nothing more than Camp Rolling Hills from Part 2 with a new name slapped on it, and Lily is like "OMG you promised you wouldn't mention the murders from the last movie!" and the news reporter is all "Tough nuggets, I just did."
News reporter lady, having fulfilled her purpose by giving us the appropriate back story we need to continue with the movie, now saunters up to Angela and tells her she looks way older than the rest of the campers. SHENANIGANS, I say. Every last camper looks at least 25 years old. Angels fits right in. But Angela tells her that she looks older because of drugs. And the news reporter asks her where she can get some coke and Angela is all "Yeah, there's a machine in the dining hall!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Angela. Don't you ever change. The reporter is like "That's not what I meant, idiot" and pleads with Angela to sell her a gram to calm her nerves. Raise your hand if you think news reporter lady is gonna end up being the next victim. Me too.

"One of the many dangers of being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is pure," Angela chirps to herself as she fills a plastic bag with powdered Clorox, which she then hands over to news reporter lady, who then drives her car into a clearing, snorts the Clorox, and keels over on the spot. Body Count: 2 Drugs are bad, mm'kay?

Back at the camp mess hall, Lily cheerily explains to the groaning campers that for the next three days they will be split into three groups and be camping out in the woods. While she is answering stupid questions like "Do the boys get to sleep with the girls?" and 'Whaddya MEAN we have to camp out????" her husband is jostling his junk up and down to impress Jan, who I guess will be our resident camp whore. Why his wife doesn't notice (since she's only like 10 feet away) I'll never know. Anyway, Lily asks if anyone knows the Happy Camper Song. Oh God, yes. Angela jumps out of her seat like a little kid and is all "I DO!!!!!"

Hahahahahaha, adorable. Unfortunately, the Happy Camper Song is not sung (damn it all) because it's at this moment that the third counselor, Barney, arrives. And his arrival makes Angela mighty uncomfortable, for reasons that will be explained elsewhere in the film. For now, Barney lets us know he is a cop and asserts his authori-TAH by breaking up a knife fight between Tony and Riff, because knife fights are bound to happen when you put a bunch of hardened street hoodlums in one place.

In the girls' cabin, Jan and Arab give the teenage boys in the audience what they came here for by showing off their boobs as they change into their rockin' Camp New Horizons shirts. They also make fun of Angela for being so square as to wear a bra while she changes into her shirt. Then all the girls except Angela go and talk about how they hate being at summer camp, especially one in which people were murdered. Boo hoo.

Now that everybody is sporting the stylish camp shirts, they are divided into their little groups and disperse to do some camping out. Barney's group gets all excited that they get to eat wieners for dinner. Giggity. As the hot dog excitement dies down, Barney provides us with the reason Angela is uncomfortable in his presence: his son was Sean from Part 2. The one who got his decapitated head stuffed into a television set by Angela. And Barney is here at the newly reopened camp to make damn sure nobody else ends up dead. Methinks he will be less than successful. Meanwhile...

Herman's group, of which Angela is a part, is being made to go fishing. Everybody but Angela bitches about this, but they all go anyway. Except for Herman. And Jan. They stay behind in a tent. Can you guess where this is going? If you said an awkwardly staged sex scene, then you win imaginary money. But first, we look in on how the fishing is coming along. Angela, Snowboy, and Peter are fishing their hearts out, despite the fact that the boys are still bitching about it. Angela brings her fishing pole out of the water and a Jason mask is attached to the end of it.
Peter thinks he's funny and lights a firework inside a fish, and Angela screams her ass off. Damn, Angela. What's with the wimpitude? You're a badass murderous bitch! Get with the program.

And now we join this sex scene already in progress. As Herman and Jan get busy in the tent, a pair of feet slowly advance toward them, and then Angela pokes her head into the tent and gives them a disapproving glare. So Herman gets out to explain himself and gets whacked on the head as soon as he leaves the tent. Then he runs around in his long johns while Angela continues to give him a beat down with a blunt stick.

I'm going to pause here for a second and muse. I assume this is supposed to be a summer camp. Meant to be in operation during the SUMMER months. And yet, not only are there colorful leaves all over the ground, but everybody is wearing jackets and such, and now Herman is donning long johns. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was the fall. So, either this is some weird-ass camp that is in operation during the fall, or this thing had to be filmed during the fall, the cast were allowed to wear cold weather clothing to be comfortable, and the film makers hoped nobody would notice. I'm gonna go with the second explanation because it makes me smile. And now back to your regularly scheduled murder.

Angela has impaled Herman with her beat-down stick (Body Count: 3), and Jan starts screaming her head off. Angela quickly silences her with a well placed blow to the head (Body Count: 4). As she shoves Jan's body into the tent, Angela deadpans "Good thing you're dead, because in a couple years, your breasts would have been sagging." Snap, Angela. Snap. Back at her campsite, Angela is trying her best to start a fire to cook some fish, only for exasperation to fill her little heart as Peter tosses a rock at her and Snowboy graffitis her tent. Put them on your shit list, Angela. Send them HOME, I say.
Barney's group has finished their weenie roast, and Marcia has to go to the bathroom. Tony is ordered to accompany her. As they are striking up a conversation (and an adorable little budding romance), they hear noises in the woods and freak the fuck out, only to discover the noises were made by a raccoon. Ah, horror cliches. How we adore thee.

Fed up with Snowboy and Peter's shenanigans, Angela has decided the time has come to send them home. She awesomely lights a firecracker in Snowboy's face AND hits him bluntly in the head, tosses his body into Peter's tent, and torches the tent. (Body Count: 6) Now THAT's what I call efficient murderage. The best part is when Angela calmly slides some marshmallows into a stick to roast on the tent's flame. This is why Angela is awesome, yall. Moments like that.

The next morning we look in on Lily's group, which we haven't seen at all since the groups were formed the previous day. Angela descends upon them and feeds Lily some bullshit story about how Herman said she's supposed to switch places with Arab. Once she has Arab back at the empty campsite, Angela shoves her into a tent and then axes her to death. (Body Count: 7) Angela is totally slipping into unoriginality in this movie. I mean, come on. Axes and sticks and fire? Is that the best you can do, Angela? Any old serial killer can do that shit. Where are your awesome kills, like the death by toilet in Part 2 or the boiling water in Part 1? Get it together, Angela. Give us an exciting kill. Seriously.

Well anyway, Angela rejoins Lily's group, which is sitting in a circle doing Sharing and Caring. Yay! Lily asks Angela what her favorite movie is and Angela says E.T. Aaaaw. Bobby says his favorite is Rambo 3. Eeesh. Cindy declares she enjoys movies with great acting, "like Gone With The Wind. Or Care Bears." I think blood just started pouring from my eyes. After that earth shattering statement, Cindy bitches about Riff always playing his damn rap music, because rap offends her delicate ears. Riff counters that rap is better than country, and Cindy retorts that country is way better than rap, and I really wish Angela would kill the both of them right now so they'd shut the fuck up. Then Cindy spews a racial slur at Riff, who loses his shit and goes to let her have it. Lily is all "Stop it" and the both of them storm off to sulk. Angela pours herself some coffee and is all 'Siiiiiigh'.
Let's see how the morning is going for Barney's group. Anita asks Barney what ever happened to this Angela Baker chick everybody keeps talking about. Barney is like "Dunno" and explains that the only pictures that exist of Angela are from when she still looked like Felissa Rose, and that her juvenile records were destroyed when she turned 18, and that now the only thing people have to go on is descriptions of her. Ok. I'll buy it. Barney declares he'll kill her if he ever encounters her. Good luck with that, dude. I still have one more sequel left to blog.

Back at Lily's group, it's time for trust exercises. Everyone is split into pairs, one person is blindfolded, and their partner leads them around. I had to do that in my theatre classes in high school, and I always thought it was fun because I'm weird like that. Anyway, Angela has been paired with Cindy, who bossily orders Angela to be the first to wear the blindfold. So, Cindy leads Angela around and continues to bitch about Riff, and Angela is like 'Whatevs." Then they stop because Cindy has to take a smoke break. The final nail in Cindy's coffin is when she puts a slug on Angela's shoulder. Angela has had enough of this bitch and demands the blindfold be taken off, it's CINDY'S turn to be led around.

Angela leads her to a flagpole. This could be interesting. She asks Cindy some questions and learns that she is a drug taking, non-virgin cheerleader. Well, that simply won't do. She hooks Cindy's belt up to the flag string and begins to raise her up to the top. Why, I think we're about to have the first interesting death since the Clorox snort. I'm right. Once Cindy is at the tippity top, Angela lets go of the string and Cindy goes splat. Body Count: 8

Back at the campsite, Lily orders Angela around like Cinderella. Go take the garbage out, go fetch me some bug spray, make the fire, fix the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the moppin'....sorry. You can tell Angela is cheesed by this but she goes with the flow for now. She makes her way up to a cabin to get the bug spray and stuff and has flashbacks of singing the Happy Camper Song in Part 2, only she imagines that everybody cheered for her. She even adds, in her best Sally Field impression, "You like me! You really like me!" Poor Angela. All she wants is acceptance. Is that so much to ask? Well, IS IT????

Angela returns to the campsite, her chores completed, only to discover that she's being sent on another trust exercise, with Bobby this time. They are to catch fish while tied together, which sounds like it would be extremely inefficient. Bobby seals his gory fate by practically jumping Angela's bones, and she's all "Oh HELL naw." But she plays along and instructs him to meet her later. They return to the campsite, where Angela kindly asks Riff to clean the fish they caught, only to get a gun pointed in her face. I think we can safely assume Riff is doomed as well. Angela's gonna be a busy bee tonight.

Meanwhile, Marcia and Tony are in the woods engaging in their blindfolded trust exercise. They sit down to have a heart-to-heart and Marcia is like "Are you in a GANG?" And of course Tony is in a gang, and Marcia is all excited and is like "OMG REALLY???" They start to get it on, but before things progress Marcia gets all 80's PSA on us and hands Tony a condom. How subliminal.

Back to Angela and her dastardly deeds. Now with three more victims she needs to cross off her list, she decides to start with Lily. She convinces Lily to accompany her on a "trust exercise." This should be fun. Angela wastes no time in tossing Lily in a pit of garbage and burying her alive. WHILE SINGING THE HAPPY CAMPER SONG. It doesn't get much better than that. When Lily is completely buried except for her head, Angela piles on the piece de resistance by running over said head with a lawnmower. (Body Count: 9) That's my girl. I think Angela has finally gotten her creative groove back.
Bobby is next, and his death is slightly less interesting than Lily's, but still pretty sweet. Under the guise of some sexiful bondage play, Angela ties him and his acid wash jeans to a tree, ties the other end of the rope to a car, and starts drivin'. Cue death scream, aaaaand scene. (Body Count: 10)

Cut to Riff in his tent, grooving to his rap music. Angela reaches into his tent and tosses him a cassette tape. Upon inserting the tape into his boombox, Riff hears perhaps the worst rap in the history of all rap. I speak, of course, about Angela's rap about how she's about to kill him. Actually, to call it a rap is kind of a stretch. She sounds more like a bored cheerleader practicing for the upcoming football game. In any case, while he's listening, mouth agape at the awfulness of her rap skills, Angela collapses his tent on him and starts beating him to death with her beat-down mallet. Then she pounds a tent stake into his flesh. Body Count: 11

Angela has now single-handedly taken down two of the three groups, and she sees no reason to stop now. She makes her way over to Barney's group and feeds them the same "I'm supposed to switch" crap as before. She picks Marcia as her intended victim, since she saw her making out with Tony on her way over. Unfortunately, Barney throws a wrench into her plan by insisting on accompanying the girls and supervising the switch, like a responsible counseler. Obviously, this won't do. Angela will have to formulate a Plan B.

Angela pretends to sprain her ankle in order to get Marcia and Barney into the mess hall, where she complains to Barney that Herman is a perv and Lily is lazy. Marcia wanders outside to make fun of Lily for her laziness, and discovers the wreckage from the Lawnmower Of Atrocity. She screams, Barney comes running, and screams at Marcia to run the fuck away when he sees the carnage. For he has discovered Angela's identity, and the time has come to exact his revenge. So he gets all Dirty Harry on Angela and delivers a great monologue, only for Angela to pull out a gun and kill him right there on the spot.
Well. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't rather disappointing. Body Count: 12

With Marcia still on the lam, Angela hops into her trusty beige Jeep and eventually catches up with her, whisking her off to parts unknown. Meanwhile, the only three surviving campers (Anita, Greg, and Tony, of course) are sitting around wondering where exactly Marcia and Angela have gone. Speak of the devil, Angela suddenly appears as if by Slasher Magic. They allow her to tie them up under the guise of "We're gonna play a trust game because Barney said so." God, these kids will believe anything you tell them, won't they? Anyway, after she has them all tied up, she spectacularly reveals Barney's dead corpse to them.

Angela explains to the Three Musketeers that the object of the game they're now playing against their will is to find Marcia, who is in one of three cabins. And if they run away, don't find her, or open a can of whoop-ass on Angela, they will be killed. Sweet. On that happy note, they haul ass to track down Marcia. They succeed with 7 seconds to spare, but Anita and Greg are killed...in...some way. I wasn't really paying attention there. (Body Count: 14) But Marcia and Tony are still alive, and Angela congratulates them on winning and gives them directions to the nearest pay phone. What a darling.
Marcia is all "Bitch, you did NOT just put me through all this shit and expect to get away with it" and goes after Angela with all the rage of an angry cobra. They have a cat fight and Marcia stabs the shit out of Angela, who gasps some death rattles and is seemingly down for the count. As Marcia and Tony are recovering from their ordeal in a police cruiser, Tony is happily planning their future and shit and Marcia drops a bomb with "I already have a boyfriend." SNAP. Also, WHORE. Forget that skank, Tony. You can do better.

In the ambulance, Angela is still alive and two paramedics are debating whether or not to just kill her and put an end to her reign of cheese-tastic terror. Angela puts an end to them. Body Count: 16. Roll credits.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the masterpiece known as Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Check back next time when we recap the very last sequel, Return To Sleepaway Camp. Which is a Very Special Sequel for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Felissa Rose makes an awesome return. Stay tuned for that.

I know, I know

2009-05-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

I suck. But if you knew the amount of papers I've had to write for school, you'd totally understand my plight. I pinky promise that Sleepaway Camp 3's entry will be up soon.

"Oh, I'm A Happy Camper," or Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers (1988)

2009-03-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

As promised, we are about to continue our Sleepaway Camp posting bonanza with Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. I know, I'm totes excited too!!!
Now, I personally find the direction they went in with Sleepaway Camp 2 a little...odd. The first one was campy, yes. (No pun intended, haha) But the sequel really ran with it and turned it up to eleven. In fact, I'd be tempted to call this a comedy, and I'm not entirely sure that wasn't the intention. Nevertheless, it is regarded as something of a cult classic, and while it's not my favorite in the series, I still like it and respect it as such. But anyway, let's get on with it. Starting with that poster above. Who in the hell IS that? It's not Angela, it's not any of the campers, it's just some chick. Although, I have to say that the fact that she's carrying Jason's hockey mask and Freddy's glove in her backpack is amusing. I like it ok, I just think it would have been a more clever poster if Angela were wearing the backpack. This poster is used for most of the DVD releases too, Unfortunately my copy is the Wal-Mart bargain bin bootleg version, and its cover looks like this:

This cover sucks ass and nothing can make up for it, not even the fact that they kept Freddy's glove. Anyway...

Sleepaway Camp 2 starts off with a bunch of campers sitting around a fire telling scary stories. Eventually one of them is all "I have an OMG TRUE!!! story" and launches into a recap of Sleepaway Camp. How cliche, and didn't Friday The 13th Part 2 already do this? I'll give Sleepaway Camp 2 credit though for not actually showing us the last 15 minutes of the first movie, unlike F13P2. (Hello, if I wanted to see what happened in part 1 I would be watching it). But I digress. The campers speculate as to what happened to Angela after part 1, and somebody cracks that (s)he's in Hollywood playing Jo on The Facts Of Life. LMAO. Which is amusing to me because Pamela Springsteen, who replaced Felissa Rose as Angela in this movie, was totally a member of Tootie's Jermaine Jackson fan club in that one episode, and wow it's completely sad that I remember that.

Anyways, we get a few minutes of backstory explaining that Angela's had a complete sex change operation since the last movie and is now all girl. And apparently has had a total plastic surgery makeover. For serious, Pamela and Felissa look absolutely nothing like each other, and I demand realism from my crappy 80s slashers. Hrrmph.

Meanwhile, a mysterious counseler has told the recapper to stfu and go back to her cabin, and follows her back through the woods. Who is that masked woman? Why, it's Angela! And she's pissed that this gel-haired 20-something 80s teen has told her backstory. Angela is all "I should send you home" and gel-haired 20 something 80s teen is all "bring it" and runs off. She gets lost of course, and Angela sneaks up behind her and offs her with a blunt board. Body count: 1

By the way, I have the crappiest DVD copy of this thing ever pressed. There's no way it's not a bootleg. In the kill scene I just described, there's no music at all. I'm pretty sure the first time I ever saw it on FLIX like 5 years ago, there was music underscoring this scene. Also, it looks like the actual kill has been edited. We see Angela swing the board and then it immediately fades to black. No screams, no blood, no impact at all. Since the only DVD copy I've ever watched is this one, I have absolutely no idea if this is normal. But anyhoo...

Opening credits roll. They are completely silent and there's definitely supposed to be a rock song over them. This is my DVD player's fault, because like 6 months ago me and a friend watched it on her DVD player and the song was there clear as day. So this is both an annoyance and slightly amusing. Silent credits are funny. I'm sure the song is rockin'. Moving on.

Angela blows her little counseler's whistle and wakes up her campers and future victims. Right away we can tell who the camp slut is, as she is the only camper sleeping topless with her boobies just hangin' out. I'm sorry, who DOES that in a group setting? I could see maybe, MAYBE sleeping with a bra on. And only if it's like 118 degrees out and would be uncomfortable to sleep in a shirt. But completely topless? Nope. Doesn't happen anywhere ever, except maybe Europe. And certainly not at a camp where others' comfort levels would be a consideration. Angela agrees with me and is all "Cover up, ho."

By the way, all the campers in this movie are named after members of the Brat Pack. I caught a Demi, Ally, Mare, Molly, and Phoebe (the chick who was just killed) from the girls' cabin, and I know there's a Rob, Charlie, Emilio, Judd, and Anthony on the boys' side. This amuses me greatly, but not as much as the naming scheme in Part 3. Just you wait.

Angela takes a walk with camp owner Uncle John (HA!) and laments the fact that she had to "send (Phoebe) home." The whole "I sent them home" thing isn't annoying NOW, but it's going to get annoying really fast since that's the only excuse Angela can come up with for every. single. camper. disappearance.

Breakfast at the mess hall. Ally the Ho engages in a little good natured bitchery at the expense of the camp stoners, known as the Shit Sisters. Attention soon turns to the girl who shall be set up to be the Final Girl from now on. You may know her as the girl who changed Mike's grade so he could go on the school ski trip in that one Growing Pains episode. You may also know her as Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's younger sister. Ironic, considering the naming scheme, amiright? But in this movie, she's known as Molly. Everyone asks Molly if she "gets stoned" and she's like "No." This is the movie's way of saying "OMG you guys she's so clean and pure! She's totes going to be the Final Girl!!!!!!eleventy!!!"

This lovely conversation is interrupted by Uncle John introducing Angela as the counseler of the week. This news doesn't go over well with the campers. Angela giddily takes the stage and calls Molly and Ally up to join her in a rousing rendition of the Happy Camper Song. This Angela's incessant talking kinda makes me miss Felissa and her patented Stares Of Stareyness. And now I have that goddamn song stuck in my head. Thanks, Angela. I kid. I have the Happy Camper song on my iPod.
Outside the mess hall, the head boys counseler T.C and his astounding mullet attempt to hit on Angela, and they both are rebuffed. Angela's like "Uuuuum I'll call you kthxbye" and TC goes "How are you gonna call me? I don't have a phone." LMAO. I don't know why that line amuses me so much. But it do.

Molly and her boy Sean are playing in the pool. They get out and start talking about their families and stuff. Sean's parents are divorced, he hates his stepdad, too bad so sad. Molly's all "I have so many brothers and sisters people call us the Brady Bunch. Giggle giggle." How original. Meanwhile, Ally apparently can't stand to see anyone but herself getting male attention, so she swims over and does her best to show off her boobs to Sean. He ignores her and goes off with Molly to go get a drink. *Does best Nelson Muntz impression* HA-HA! He totally didn't fall for your skank tricks.

Cut to Angela's feet walking with purpose through the woods. There must be a problem with muted sound effects on this DVD like whoah, because nothing crunches under her shoes as she walks. It's off-putting. Anyway, the Shit Sisters are out there getting high. Not only that....they're bastardizing the Happy Camper Song with obscene lyrics! And one of them is making out with a dude! Oh no you dii-iint! Angela, are you going to stand for such blasphemous shenanigans?

Nope. Observe in the above picture Shit Sister #1 coming face to face with the charred skull of Shit Sister #2. Body Count: 2 Angela's got SS #1 tied to a barbecue thingy, and as she pours gasoline over SS1's head she admonishes her for being such a dirty junkie ho. Then she lights a match and throws it on top. Unfortunately, this looks like another edited kill because I got no gore whatsoever. Match is thrown, cut to next scene. GRR. Anyway, Body Count: 3

A bratty little imp minion is bitching (with her words horrifically un-synched to her lip movements) that she wants to GO HOME, DAMMIT! Angela is all "I think I can arrange that." Are we preparing to up the body count? Huh? Huh? Are we???? Nope. Little bitch gets to actually go home. Dammit Angela, she SASSED you! You're losing your touch. Don't let this happen again. As they watch the car pull away, Angela tells Uncle John that she "sent the Shote sisters home this morning." And Uncle John is all "Uuuuh, yeah you don't have the authority to do that, talk to me first before you do that." And Angela is all "You mean, like I JUST DID?" Hahahahaha. Snap. I like you, Angela. You're a good egg.

So, that night Angela has a counseler's meeting (or so she says) and leaves her heathen campers unsupervised in the cabin. The boys totally raid the cabin while she's out and steal the girls' undies. Too bad they were too dumbass to wait until she was out of earshot, cuz Angela walks in on the ruckus. Strangely, other than screaming at the boys to get out, she's eerily calm about it. So the girls concoct a plan to get the boys (and their underwear) back later on in the night. Unfortunately for them, Angela walks in on their shenanigans right as Mare is flashing her boobs to everybody. Methinks Mare is doomed to be Angela's next victim.

Angela and Mare are in a car with Mare bitching about how she wants to go home. Angela says that even though Mare acted like a cheap whore by flashing her boobs, Angela thinks she didn't know any better. She gives Mare a shot at redemption if she'll only say sorry. Mare is like "die bitch" so Angela reaches down and retrieves a drill. Bye bye, Mare. You're being sent home. (And once again, there are no sound effects on this DVD. Nothing more hilarious than death by silent drill) Body Count: 4

Breakfast time in the mess hall again. A bunch of boys are concocting a plan to scare Angela at that night's camp-out. That'll go over well, I'm so sure. TC and his mullet take the stage and announces that the following items have gone missing: a camp sweatshirt, a beach towel, a first-aid kit, a pair of Ray-Bans, a saw, some rope, TC's car battery, an electric drill, 10 pairs of panties, 3 bras, and 4 jock straps. May as well go ahead and tell you Angela took all those things, except possibly the panties, bras, and jock straps. Like you didn't know.

Later that day, Molly is taking a walk in the woods and comes across Angela humming to herself by an abandoned cabin. They have a heart to heart that's actually pretty sweet. Molly confesses to Angela that she likes Sean but that skank bitch Ally likes him also, and she's sooooo experienced. Angela agrees that Ally is a ho-biscuit and insinuates that she's probably full of STDs. Then she tells Molly there's nothing wrong with being a non-ho and they hug. Molly is SO going to be the Final Girl, yalls!

A bunch of campers are playing that game where you're blindfolded and reach your hand into a bunch of containers containing things like peeled grapes and everybody tells you it's eyeballs. When the campers reach Angela's container she's like "These are dead teenager brains!" When asked what's really in there, she replies "Dead teenager brains." That moment always makes me LOL. Meanwhile, the plan to scare Angela is coming along swimmingly. The brilliant scheme involves a Jason mask and a Freddy glove, both made out of paper mache it looks like. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's fantastic.

Angela is on Catch People Doing Stupid Shit patrol. She discovers two 12 year old boys in their cabin looking at polaroids of topless chicks they've been collecting. Jesus Christ, how many of these girls have been walking around flashing their goodies at this camp? What is this, Girls Gone Wild? Keep your shirts on, girls. Really. The worst of it for them is that they've captured a picture of Angela in the middle of changing her shirt. Ooooh boy, now she's PISSED. I'd watch your backs, fellas. Angela shows the pictures to TC and all he does is admire them. Tool. Angela is all "I never thought pornography was funny!" Ha.

So, it's finally camp-out time. Molly and Ally and Demi are hanging out around the campfire and here's yet another instance of how shitty this DVD is. Demi says "Turn that song up!" The only problem is that my DVD has no music in this scene. Zip. Zero. Which actually makes it hilarious, because she's bopping her head to absolute silence. Demi, you crazy. Meanwhile, Judd and Anthony are trying to scare Angela with their crappy paper mache. They're hiding out in the woods waiting for her and acting like idiots. Angela shows up and totally owns them both. With no sound effects, naturally. Le sigh. Body Count: 6

While all this is going on, Ally is in the bathroom cabin with some dude, and seriously....this is THE most hilarious sex scene ever recorded onto film. There's like 10 minutes (not really, but it feels like it) of just their feet moving around while they struggle out of their clothing awkwardly, and like the only thing that happens is a lot of stomach-kissing. It's the funniest thing ever. Angela, of course, shows up to rain on the parade, and Ally is like "I got cramps!" LMFAO. Tell me Ally, would you usually bring lit candles and a radio into the bathroom if you had cramps? Angela can see right through your little ho schemes. But she won't exact her revenge on you. Yet.

Next morning, Molly and Sean are playing a cutesy game of catch. When Sean leaves, Ally waltzes up and is all "WTF Molly you told Angela I was whoring around in the bathroom" and Molly goes "Eh?" and then Ally lays on the bitchery by informing her that Sean sucks in bed. Bitch. Molly goes into her cabin to boo-hoo about it and whines to Angela whilst Ally goes off to screw some guy in the woods, and only thinks to ask AFTER the act "You don't have AIDS or anything, do you?" Great timing for that question. Really, bravo.

The time has come for Angela to exact her revenge on Ally. She lures her into the abandoned cabin in the woods by forging a note from Sean. Angela is all "I can't believe you fell for it, you're dumber than I thought." Haha, Angela I heart you. Ally meets her end by being shoved into the shitty toilet and covered in leeches. Loverly. That might have been the best death yet. Body Count: 7

During a card game in the rec hall, Sean reveals that he OMG almost attended Camp Arawak the same year Angela went on her first killing spree. How neatly tied together! He can't recall her girl name but can remember her real name (Peter). How convenient.

Demi wanders into the girls cabin where Angela is playing her guitar. Dumbass Demi then launches into a monologue about how she's just spent her evening calling the houses of every single camper who had been "sent home" the whole movie and ALL their parents said they were still at camp, and isn't it strange, and for the love of God, STFU. And while she's talking Angela goes into the next room and hilariously looks for a suitable murder weapon and it's really adorable. And still Demi keeps running her yap. Shut UP before Angela kills you.....too late. Angela strangled you to death. Body Count: 8

While Angela is trying to hide Demi's body, one of the other girls barges in, and Angela has had just enough of this shit. She gets "sent home" via stabbing without sound effects. Body Count: 9

Angela has a trippy-ass dream that night that she sings the Happy Camper Song slowed down and there's a montage in there consisting of kill scenes we've already watched. And you know what else is in that montage? SOUND EFFECTS! Sweet Jesus.

Next morning, Uncle John decides he has had absolutely enough of this "sending campers home" shit of hers, and Angela is fired. As in Get Your Ass Out Before Noon fired. Gasp! Say it aint so! She goes crying into the girls cabin and tells Molly before leaving to "get her stuff." Molly enlists Sean and they go to the abandoned cabin in the woods to try to comfort Angela. Sweet, but unwise. Very, very unwise. They might have been fine if not for Sean's dumbassery. He opens the door to the cabin and discovers the bodies of everyone who's been "sent home." Angela ties up the both of 'em. TC finds them and gets a face full of acid from his own car battery. His screams of angony are silent, of course. Body Count: 10

Then there's the Scooby-Doo unmasking where Sean is all "You're Angela Baker! It was youuuuuuu!" No shit, Sherlock. And she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids. Angela is all "Um yeah I spent the last four years in therapy and I'm totally cured, you all just deserved it." Then she whacks him on the head. HAHA. Angela, I wish to be your friend. Body Count: 11

Molly blacks out from the trauma, and when she comes to Angela is all maternal and wants to feed her. Then she points out Sean's head inside a broken TV and Molly screams a (silent) scream. Angela leaves to drag another random body (Body Count: 12) into the cabin, which gives Molly just enough time to break her ties and whack Angela out cold. Nice. My girl don't stay down for long though, nope. They have a (silent, sound effects-less) chase through the woods. This DVD sucks so much ass. Anyway, Molly falls off a cliff and we're led to believe she's dead.
Meanwhile, another counseler has discovered the bodies of the two polaroid-takers, Uncle John, and some other dude. Body Count: 16 Then Angela surprises her and sends her home. Body Count: 17

I must say, this movie has got a DECENT body count. That's what I like to see. So anyhow, Angela hitches a ride from a woman in a truck and gets all holier-than-thou when the woman starts smoking. That bitch. So she kills her and steals the truck. Nicely handled, Angela. Body Count: 18

Well, Molly aint dead. She comes to and goes running for help in the street. She frantically flags down the first truck that passes (uh-oh..)

The movie leaves it up in the air, but I think we can safely assume Molly buys it at this point. Body Count: 19?

Roll the credits. Silently, naturally. God, I hate this DVD.

And that, my friends, was Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. A wonderful little slice of an era gone by, with a decent amount of kills and enough comic relief to make it rewatchable once in awhile at the very least. Next time, we tackle Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. You don't wanna miss that one, trust me.

"Meet Me By The Waterfront After The Social", or Sleepaway Camp (1983)

2009-03-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I suck. I realize my last (and first) snark was posted almost 6 months ago, but it's been crazyful around here. What with college and the holidays and some personal drama , and the fact that I am completely obsessed with The Sims 2, I haven't felt much like snarking. So what better way to get back in the swing than to snark the Sleepaway Camp films? That's right. You and me are going to cover the entire saga of 80s slasher god(dess) Angela Baker and her misadventures at one camp and another. I know you're excited. I am too. We shall start, of course, at the beginning, where all great stories must start. I'm talking about the first and best of the SC films, 1983's Sleepaway Camp.
This is the one with the "OMG TWIST ENDING", and if you've never seen this movie you should go away right now because I'm about to spoil it for you this second. Ready? Here goes...

ANGELA IS A DUDE!!!!!!

The reason I did that is because I will be constantly referencing the fact that she has junk throughout this snark. So, you ready to start? Me too.

We begin with ominous shots of the deserted Camp Arawak, which is shown as being for sale. Obviously, something evil has gone down here, since they're doing their best to make it look all scary and stuff. And with that, the story gets going.

A little boy and girl (guess which one is Little Angela!!) and their dad are out boating in the middle of the lake and having a grand old time, jokingly capsizing the boat and swimming around. Meanwhile, two dumbass teens are doing the same (minus the capsizing and swimming). The teen girl begs her boyfriend to let her drive the boat, and he lets her despite his reluctance. He was right to be uneasy, because the girl pays absolutely no attention to where the hell she's going and rams right into the little family's overturned boat (and the little family). Granted, the kids and Daddy all had ample opportunity to swim to safety because the speeding boat took forever to reach them and the shore was like two feet in front of them, but the point is, Dad and one child are dead, and the surviving child (THE BOY, YALL) has to go live with crazy Aunt Martha and her son Ricky.

I hope you didn't think I was kidding when I called Aunt Martha crazy. Woman is three fries short of a Happy Meal and constantly talks to herself in the middle of a conversation. Not only that...she's made this poor boy live as a chick named Angela for 8 years. But we're not supposed to know that yet. So, Angela and Cousin Ricky are now 13-ish and off to sleepaway camp. The big yellow bus pulls into the camp grounds full of laughing campers and authority figures wearing short shorts, and I can tell we're in for a fun 80 minutes.

Cousin Ricky shows Angela around the camp for a bit, pointing out all the sites that will be featured in kill scenes later. Foreshadow-rific. We then meet the requisite camp bitch, Judy. We know she's the bitch because the first time she shows her face to the camera, it's to give us a look of pure, icy bitchery.

She's also Angela's cabinmate, Ricky's former girlfriend, and the girl all the guys at camp are drooling over because she grew OMG BOOBS since last year. She will be the one making Angela's life hell all summer, as evidenced by her harrassing Angela for having the gall to sit quietly on the bed and stare into space. Meg, one of the cabin's head counselers, is also a beyotch about it. The only girl to be welcoming to Angela is the other counseler Suzy.

Three days later, Meg complains to Mr. Short Shorts in the cafeteria that Angela hasn't eaten nor uttered a single word since she arrived. Short Shorts is understanding and escorts Angela into the kitchen to see if theres anything there she would care to eat, which has Meg bitching about how much of a spoiled brat Angela is as soon as they leave. Bitch, you're the one who brought Angela's lack of eating to the staff's attention, not her. Anyways, Short Shorts leaves Angela in the hands of the pervy pedophile cook, who leads her into the walk-in pantry. He calls her a sweet cupcake and informs her that he's got something she's going to "Like reeeeal good." HAHA, she would probably give you a few surprises also, Perv (CUZ SHE'S A DUDE!). Luckily for all of us, Ricky walks in and foils Perv's plan.

Later, when Pervy McPervert is alone in the kitchen cooking, SOMEBODY sneaks in and pushes Pervy right into his boiling pot of soup. I wonder WHO that could have BEEN. We get a pretty sweet gory shot of his burnt flesh. God bless the 80s. The cigar smoking camp owner sees no reason to tell anybody what happened and hustles the ambulance out of there as quickly as possible and pays the rest of the kitchen staff for their silence.

For some ungodly reason, the movie then seems to think we need five boring minutes of the boy campers playing the world's most boring baseball game. Or maybe I just find it boring because I'd rather eat dirt than play or watch anyone else play any kind of sport. The only thing to take away from this scene is that 80s fashion was godawful and that Ricky's cabin kicked the ass of an opposing cabin who swear to "Get 'em back"

Aaaaaaand YAY CAMP DANCE! Angela sits quietly in the corner eating a candy bar while the guys who just got their asses kicked in baseball dare each other to ask her to go skinny dipping with them. They harrass her for only staring back at them, which pisses off Ricky and leads to a huge brawl right in the middle of the rec hall, and all the while Angela only stares her patented Stare Of Stareyness.

After the brawl, Ricky's BFF Paul (they go way back...they've been best friends for THREE YEARS already!) goes over to Angela and attempts to engage her in a meaningful conversation, and Angela totes falls in LUV, much to chagrin of Judy, who is watching them with her bitch face firmly in place. More importantly, Angela says her first line of the movie when she tells Paul "Goodnight" all shy and stuff. Adorable...and kinda sad.

Later that night, one of the guys who harrassed Angela earlier is out canoeing in the lake when SOMEBODY swims up and drowns his ass. I wonder WHO it WAS. The body is found in the morning and taken away, and the camp owner insists it was another fluke accident and there definitely isn't somebody going around CAUSING the deaths or anything, no sir.

Paul asks Angela to attend the camp movie together the next day (and since she's talking in complete sentences now, she says yes) while Judy and Meg bitch to each other that they have to play volleyball while Angela gets to sit and talk.

They take the opportunity to lambaste her for this as soon as Paul leaves. As Paul walks Angela back to her cabin that night after the movie, they sneak off into a corner and he gives her a quick kiss, which you can tell makes Angela totes uncomfortable and she hightails it inside the cabin. Judy just can't let things alone and tries to put her whore moves on Paul after Angela retreats, and he totally rebuffs her. GAHAHAHAHAHA.

When the girls are swimming the next day and Angela still won't join in their reindeer games, Meg has had more than enough and screams her head off while shaking Angela for not swimming. Short Shorts witnesses this and Meg gets in trouble, which Judy isn't going to let slide. When she has an attentive audience, she pointedly asks Angela why she never takes showers with the rest of the girls. Why, is she embarrassed because she hasn't yet reached puberty? No, Judy, it's because SHE'S A DUDE.

After yet another scene of Angela being teased by the jackass guy campers, one of the jackasses is on the toilet when SOMEBODY blocks the stall door and lets in a beehive through the window (although why he didn't just crawl under the stall door instead of futiley banging on it is beyond me). I wonder WHO it could have BEEN. Apparently, cigar smoking camp owner thinks it was Ricky and that he's doing it because he's sick of Angela being harrassed.

We then get an awkward scene of Angela and Paul kissing by the lake. Paul wants to turn it into horizontal kissing and Angela has a flashback to her dad and his partner kissing in bed and is all "NO" and runs away.

During a game of Capture The Flag, Paul tries to apologize and Angela isn't really having it. So Paul sneaks off with Judy to make out and Angela totally catches them. Burn. Paul tries apology #2 later during swim time and is interrupted by Judy. Judy is moving up to physical warfare. She enlists Meg's assistance and Angela is picked up and thrown into the lake because goddammit they're sick and fucking tired of her not swimming. And I have to interrupt for a second...Angela is wearing thin short shorts....there's no way Meg didn't feel a little something extra through the cloth while she was carrying her to the dock. But I'll buy it. Meanwhile, Ricky is being falsely accused by camp owner of being the Camp Arawak slasher.

Later that night, Meg is all happy because she has the night off and doesn't have to escort any campers to the social in the rec hall. She celebrates by arranging to meet her lover (cigar smoking camp owner!!) for dinner. Skank. While she's showering in preparation, SOMEBODY sneaks in and rams a knife right into her back. I wonder WHO it could have BEEN. (Hint: it's not Ricky).

Paul meets up with Angela later and attempts apology #3. Angela agrees to meet up with him later after the social but first she needs to go somewhere. Wonder where. Never mind right this moment, because cigar smoking camp owner has discovered Meg's body, which conveniently falls right out of the shower as he walks by it. He's still convinced Ricky is responsible and vows to get his revenge on the little fucker. Meanwhile...

Judy is sitting in the dark cabin curling her hair when SOMEBODY enters and Judy bitches at them before they knock her out and burn the crap out of her with the curling iron. Sweet. I wonder WHO it could have....yeah, if you don't know it's Angela by now you're never going to. Cigar smoking camp owner once again blames Ricky and bitch slaps him before being confronted with the REAL killer and receiving an archery arrow through the throat. Lovely.

Paul meets Angela by the water after the social like they planned and Angela immediately orders him to strip and swim. Paul is like "OK!" and quickly does it. We don't see what happens after this but Short Shorts and a bunch of staff and cops are searching the woods and finding bodies and whatnot. Short Shorts and Suzy enter the lake front and are confronted by...

Wait, we got a flashback. We're back to the day Little Angela arrived at Aunt Martha's house to live. Aunt Martha already has one little boy though, and it just wouldn't DO to have another living in the house, and anyway she's always wanted a little girl. Sorry Peter, you will just have to live as Angela from now on.

So now, Short Shorts and Suzy are standing dazed by the lake before them stands....

*PHOTO REMOVED. YOU'RE WELCOME*

HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT, SHE'S GOT A DICK!!

Roll credits. As cheesy as this movie is, I freaking love it. It's definitely an 80s camp classic, but NOTHING about it compares to Sleepaway Camp 2, which we will shortly be recapping and you're excited. Please don't hesitate to leave comments, I'm happy to hear from you if you enjoyed this and happy to take suggestions for recaps. Until next time :)

"I Probably Have The Flu", or Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2 (1987)

2008-09-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

I'm kicking off this blog with a recap of one of the cheesiest horror sequels of all time, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2. We'll start by asking the question that has plagued mankind for 21 years, which is "Why in the hell is this called Prom Night 2?" Seriously, folks. In order for any film to rightfully be called a sequel, at the very least it should contain a passing mention of events and/or characters from the previous film. The closest this movie comes is repeating exactly ONE line from the original, verbatim. Otherwise it's just another horror movie that happens to feature a prom, and they may as well have called it Hello Mary Lou and forgot about the damn "2". I could rant about that all night. But I won't, because we have a lot of ground to cover. Cheesy, cheesy, ground. Let's begin by talking about the poster for a second.

Believe me when I say that this poster is creepier than anything in the movie itself. I have to say, I love Mary Lou's bitch face here. It's as though she knows it says "Prom Night 2" across her calves and she vehemently disagrees. I'm with you on that one, Mary Lou.

The movie opens with nighttime shots of a high school's exterior taken from various angles and set to freaky deaky techno music. You know, just in case this movie's original target audience had forgotten it was 1987. Tiring of exterior shots, the director gets a little wild and crazy and even shows us OMNINOUS shots of the school hallway and a stairwell! Omg it's all empty and stuff! How scary! Hold me. But the big money shot is the school's basement, which is shown to house a big-ass black trunk. Could this trunk be somehow important to the plot? Maaaaaaaaaybe. This is when the movie's title flashes across the screen, and I sigh a little and say "You are NOT Prom Night 2, dammit!"

We are now transported back to 1957 and introduced to the titular Mary Lou, who is on her way to confession. The priest sits astonished as Mary Lou confesses to being a slut and LOVING IT, dammit! Then she writes, I shit you not, "For a good time, call Mary Lou" on the confessional wall in lipstick. ML is hardcore, yo.

Cut to...Prom night! Mary Lou half-heartedly thanks her date Billy for letting her wear his ring before sending him off to fetch her a glass of punch. I should take this moment to add that Billy is the oldest looking teenager in the entire history of movies. Apparently, everyone under the age of 47 was unavailable for the role. Anyway, ML shoos him away to get her some punch, and when he gets back he is unable to locate her due to the fact that she's a little busy slutting it up under the stage with another guy. This doesn't sit so well with Billy. No, sir. It doesn't sit well with Billy AT ALL. Mary Lou doesn't care though, and is all "It's not who you come with. It's who takes you home." Word, ML. By the way, that line is the closest this movie comes to being a sequel, those exact words having been uttered by the token slut character in Prom Night The First.

So, Billy's been dumped for a guy who isn't balding. Poor, poor Billy. He'll show that two timing Jezebel what's what. His big revenge plan involves climbing into the rafters, waiting until Mary Lou is crowned queen of the prom and throwing a stink bomb at her that he found in the boy's bathroom. Great plan, Billy. Wonderful. Unfortunately, this doesn't exactly go according to plan. Cuz instead of just drowning Mary Lou in the sweet, sweet stinkiness of revenge, it ignites her dress and sets her ablaze. Everyone just watches in shock as Mary Lou dances in burning agony across the stage. Nobody even tries to put her out with punch or anything. Billy actually yells from his perch in the ceiling rafters for somebody else to help her out. Nice. Before she dies, Mary Lou gives Billy the stink eye, and I have a feeling that in present day 1987, things are going to go very badly indeed for him. And then there's another shot of that trunk from the opening. This trunk is IMPORTANT, yall.

And now it's 1987. Sweet. We are introduced to our new teenage heroine, Vicky, and I realize I was wrong about Billy being the oldest looking teenager, because Vicky is at least 38 years old. We are also introduced to Vicky's parents. Dad is ok, but Mom is kind of a heinous bitch, who, without much provocation, makes it clear that Vicky is NOT going to get a dress for the prom, and that she doesn't much approve of Vicky's motorcycle riding boyfriend Craig. Damn, who pissed in your oatmeal this morning, Mom?

By the way, I am keeping a running tally of Vicky's Horrible Outfits, because she has a lot of them in this movie. For instance, this morning while she's admonishing Craig for putting so much damn sugar in his coffee (she says sugar will kill you, and...really? Sugar? It's not like he's putting aresenic in it, Vicky. Chillax), she is wearing a button up floral shirt tucked into Mom Khakis.
How very...fug. Even by 1987 standards. So anyway, Craig gives her a gold cross necklace and Vicky gives the waitor Bitch Face when he comes around to ask if they need more coffee. Vicky, you already irritate me.

After a boring scene in which Vicky attends science class and doesn't pay attention, Craig goes to visit his dad, the principal. Who just so happens to be Billy. Sweeeet. Although...wtf? If you had accidentally killed the prom queen 30 years ago, would you really want to hang around in the same school? Cuz I wouldn't. Just sayin'. Anyway, Billy is all pissed because Craig doesn't want to go to college right away and would like to take a year or two off to work first. Word, Craig. Billy's all "All of a sudden you think you're old enough to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life?" And I'm all "Um, yeah he IS. He's about to graduate, mm'kay?"

After a brief introduction to the school bitch (we know she's a bitch because she has the most styling product in her hair and is rambling on and on about her dress and how it's sooooo much better than yours, mm'kay), Vicky makes her way down to the basement Prop Room to find something she can wear to the prom. First of all, NO FAIR. Secondly, the basement is as dark as the set design of a Tim Burton film and looks like it hasn't been touched since 1924. Vicky is apparently unperturbed by the darkness, because she doesn't even bother to look for a light, even when searching the racks and racks of free clothes. Vicky, isn't it hard to SEE what the clothes look like without a light? She DOES find a light when she comes across....THE TRUNK OF DOOM. So of course, she opens the damn thing. She opens it, you knew she would, and you would totally open it too, and you KNOW IT. The minute she opens it, the frame of the '57 class picture in Billy's office cracks. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN.

So, inside the trunk, Vicky finds Mary Lou's sash, crown, and cape from the night of the prom. And not one of these items are in the least bit charred. Not so much as a film of smoke. As she takes these items out of the trunk, the trunk closes by itself. Vicky, sweetheart, this MIGHT mean that you don't wanna be screwing around with Mary Lou's shit. Don't say I didn't warn you. So Vicky says I didn't warn her, takes all this shit upstairs, and makes plans to wear the cape to the prom, even after a girl in her art class points out that the last person to wear it died in a fiery blaze.

We now have an "emotional" scene in which Vicky goes to the girl's bathroom and sees her friend Jess HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS CHICK'S HAIR OMG OMG OMG!!!

Sorry...had to go collect myself. Anyway, Vicky sees her friend Jess Of The Enormous Hair crying in the corner because she's preggers yall, and the baby daddy isn't answering her phone calls. And I really couldn't care less. I assume the only reason this scene exists is to make sure we "care" about Enormous Hair before the next scene in which she pops one of the jewels out of Mary Lou's crown and meets Mary Lou's ghostly fury, becoming the 2nd tally mark in this movie's Body Count. She is hung from ML's cape and thrown out the window. It's pretty sweet. Also, ML doesn't forget to pop the jewel back into the crown when she's through.

We cut to inside the town church. Apparently, the boy with whom ML whored it up behind the stage on prom night has become a priest. Um...awesome? Anyway, he's staring mournfully at a picture of Mary Lou and remembering the night of horrors when the picture falls of its own accord. This means baaaad things to come, yall.

So, while wandering around the cemetary after Enormous Hair's funeral in the world's ugliest black dress (Horrible Outfit #2), Vicky comes across Mary Lou's headstone and hears crying in her head as the camera zooms in on her face to give us an awesome view of her gigantic pores. The next day she laments the fact that the school has the audacity to hold the prom despite the death of Enormous Hair. Before I forget, she's wearing Horrible Outfit #3...another floral shirt and PINK Mom Pants, with blue loafers that show off her glaringly white socks. Good GOD! The ugly! It burns! Anyway, the school bitch takes this opportunity to show up and make a bitchy comment about how all the prom queen nominees should make like Enormous Hair and die. This pisses Vicky off and she tells School Bitch to "Shut your fucking mouth, Bitch!" HAHA Go Vicky!

So, lunchtime. Vicky has some sort of trippy ass hallucination in which she imagines that cockroaches are crawling all over the cafeteria and they're serving snot soup with what I presume is Mary Lou's face in it, although it's so covered in slop that I can't really tell. Eh...except for the face, it doesn't look too different from some of the cafeterias I have seen in my lifetime. Then Vicky makes this face:

I'm frightened.

Vicky freaks out and runs into the school hallway, where she takes a drink from the water fountain. The director takes a leaf from The Big Book Of Horror Movie Cliches and the water turns into blood. And then they take a leaf from The Big Book Of Redoing Stuff Wes Craven Did First by copying the scary school hallway scene from A Nightmare On Elm Street. Except this time there's no hall-monitor-turned-Freddy. Instead there's some phantom dude who appears out of nowhere, calls Vicky Mary Lou, and starts pawing at her. Vicky runs away again and bursts through some doors to find School Bitch, who gives her a "Freaaaaaak" look.

At home that night, Vicky and her mother fight over whether Vicky is going to college in the fall. Vicky wants to copy Craig and take a year off, and Mom is like "Oh hell naw!" We then get a scene in which Vicky tarts herself up in harlot makeup and winks at herself in the mirror. Is Mary Lou starting to possess her? Maaaaaaaaybe (yes).

The next day, Vicky is in gym class when School Bitch (who is sporting what I'm sure is her loveliest Jane Fonda ensemble) hits her in the head with a volleyball and Vicky is knocked out cold. She has yet another freaky dream sequence in which a bunch of girls in retro gym outfits advance towards her repeating "Mary Lou....Mary Lou..." over and over and Vicky gets all caught up in the volleyball net which now resembles a big black spider web. Wonderful. Good ol' Billy overhears Vicky when she wakes up surrounded by her classmates insisting "I'm NOT Mary Lou!" and gives the camera a knowing look before heading down to the basement, discovering Mary Lou's shit gone from the trunk, and giving another knowing look.

Craig escorts Vicky home, where Mom asks her what the dealio is with her fainting in school that day. Vicky answers with my favorite line in this whole movie: "We were playing volleyball in gym class and I fainted. I probably have the flu or something." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You got hit in the head with a volleyball, Vicky. Did you forget about this, or is your mother going to stone you for getting knocked out by sports equpiment? Anyway, Mom is all "You're not sick you just need to spend some time with the Lord! Go to confession, you'll be all better!" Vicky goes to confession where she confesses to the priest (Mary Lou's former man whore, remember) that she's been having hallucinations involving Mary Lou. While this is going on, Billy is at home burning the class picture that cracked before.

So, Vicky is drawing a picture of herself that night and the picture suddenly turns into a picture of Mary Lou. Boring! I mean...scary! Then the rocking horse in her room is shown to have glowing red eyes. Fun! Then Vicky has a minute of weird spasms and THEN the rocking horse sticks its tongue out at her, which would be disturbing if it wasn't so comical. So later that night Vicky sneaks off to Mary Lou's grave and runs into Priest and spazzes on how Mary Lou won't leave her alone. Priest tries to help by holding an exorcism in the church. An exorcism on who or what, I have no idea, because Vicky isn't there. Maybe it might have helped to have her there as well, yes? Anyway, Priest unleashes his inner Father Merrin by waving holy water at the stained glass windows and chanting "The body of Christ compels you!" 26,000 times in a row. And I vow to make a drinking game based on every time this movie blatantly rips off another.

Priest makes a visit to Billy's house to tell him that Mary Lou is back and out for revenge. He's all "She wants to possess you and kill you, Billy!" And Billy is all "ZOMG no she isn't!" And I'm all "You idiot!" And scene!

The next morning, Craig picks up Vicky on his motorbike for their usual coffee date before school. He greets her by saying "Shit, you look awful." HEHE. As opposed to when, Craig? Have you seen her outfits throughout this movie, for God's sake? Speaking of Vicky's outfits, Horrible Outfit #4 is yet another button up shirt (long sleeves this time) and what appear to be the same pink Mom Pants she was wearing the previous day. Lovely, Vicky. She pours about a gallon of sugar in her coffee. OMG PLOT POINT. She must be possessed now, cuz she's consuming the dreaded Killer Sugar! She emos to Craig about how she feels she may hurt somebody because she's all possessed and stuff. Craig gives her a "What a crazy bitch" look.

Bet you're wondering what School Bitch is up to while all this is going on, aren't you? No? Too bad, you're gonna find out anyway. What she's doing is trying to bribe the school Computer Nerd into fixing the votes so that she wins Prom Queen. She offers him a whopping 100 bucks for this service. Sensing an opportunity here, Computer Nerd names his price by typing it on a computer screen. We don't see what he wrote, but we can assume it's a sexual favor. School Bitch gets all pissy and throws a dart at his Albert Einstein poster before storming off. That'll show him, SB.

But back to Vicky. Vicky is in detention because she imagined School Bitch had turned into Mary Lou and slugged her in the face. Go Vicky! While Vicky is serving her detention inside, Craig and a few kids are discussing her strange behavior outside. Computer Nerd from before suggests that maybe Vicky is possessed (why yes...yes she is) and serves up the second Exorcist reference in 7 minutes by following this statement with "Your mother sews socks in hell, Father Karras!" Hehe. Sews socks. Anyway, Vicky is all by herself in the detention room when the words "Help Me" appear on the chalk board. Vicky goes over to investigate of course, and gets sucked into the board when it turns into a giant swirling vortex of water. Sweet. She ends up naked in the school basement, giving an evil grin that says Officially Fully Possessed. Awesome..I hated her old personality.

The first thing Vicky (Mary Lou, whatever) opts to do after this is go back to confession and kill Priest. Bye bye, priest. While she's doing it she laments the fact that she didn't get any wings when she died. Mm-hmm. The next day, she shows up at school, accompanied musically by Ricky Nelson's "Hello, Mary Lou" (of course!) in the first outfit in this whole movie that isn't ugly as sin. She's dressed in a white sweater and a big poofy white skirt, with saddle shoes and everything. Thank you Mary Lou, for finally ridding us of Vicky's Horrible Outfits. Her friends are all "Omg your outfit is so fugly, where are your Mom Pants???" STFU, mm'kay? 50s style clothes are awesome.

So Vicky/ML goes around school all day being 50 times more cool than she's ever been. I totes love Mary Lou's personality so much better than Vicky's. Why can't she just stay possessed again? Anyway, we get more asinine comments from her friends like "She looks like she's in a fashion coma" and "She talks like we're in an Elvis Presley movie." Haha. These comments haven't aged well. The 50s are cool again. Computer Nerd gives us Exorcist reference #3 ("I'm telling you, she's possessed! Linda Blairsville!"), which makes a total of 3 references to the same film in 11 minutes. Maybe THAT should be the drinking game.

After telekinetically lighting the science teacher's crotch on fire for hitting on her, Vicky/ML chases one of her friends around the locker room naked, which is hilarious. Friend hides in a locker, and Vicky/ML telekinetically squishes the lockers on either side of it together, crushing Friend to a pulp. Bye bye, Friend. Also, the movie's Body Count is now up to 4.

Body Count goes up to 5 (or so we are led to assume) when Vicky/ML makes out with Craig and then chokes him up against the wall. But he aint dead, don't fret none. I can't believe I just used the phrase "fret none". Anyway, Vicky/ML then pays a little visit to Billy in his office. And she's wearing Billy's ring! Snap! She tells him she killed Craig and then leaves. And Billy is all "Noooo!" It's hilarious.

So, it's prom night. At last. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Vicky/ML is sitting on her rocking horse in a surprisingly not ugly dress. Seriously, for an 80's prom dress it's not half bad. We can assume she stole it, because Mom had already said she wasn't signing no check for a new dress. We then get the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SCENE EVER when Dad comes in and Vicky/ML starts making out with him. Eew eeew EEEEEEEEEEW. Mom walks in of course, and is surprisingly calm as she calls Vicky a Jezebel and a harlot. Vicky/ML is unperturbed by this and calmly walks out of the house, throwing Mom through the glass door on the way out (That's 6 bodies!).

No, wait...5 bodies. Craig is alive! Billy knocks him back out to stop him from tracking down Vicky. Sweet. Meanwhile, the prom is in full swing. All the little teenagers are dancing their butts off in their 80s prom wear. Computer Nerd is in the computer room all depressed because his date stood him up. Aaaaaw, she didn't stand you up, CN. Vicky/ML squished her into jelly in the locker room earlier today. School Bitch enters, having decided she wants to win prom queen badly enough to perform the sexual favor that CN is charging for fixed votes. She even came prepared with breath spray! Lovely. The best part is afterwards when she comes slinking back to her date and he kisses her and goes "Your breath smells great!" LMAO! That will never not be funny. Never.

Oh, come on. You didn't think Vicky/ML was going to let them get away with that, did you? Nope. She knows instantly what's up thanks to her awesome ghostly telepathy and without even breaking a sweat, makes it so that the computer electrocutes CN to death. Whil she's at it she fixes it so that she's prom queen. Because dammit, she didn't go to all the trouble of possessing this horribly fashion retarded teenager just so some little ho can take away her second chance to be queen of the prom. No, sir.

So, Vicky is announced as Prom Queen. Surprise surprise. Craig apparently woke up because he's at the school looking for her. Billy is back up in the rafters just like 30 years ago, only this time he's got a gun instead of a stink bomb. He shoots Vicky/ML just as Craig bursts into the gym, and once again, nobody lifts a finger to help. I can't really blame them this time though, because the rotting corpse of Mary Lou starts to emerge from Vicky's body. It's totes like that scene in Alien. And it's awesome. Mary Lou is fucking pissed that her prom queen moment is being ruined by that Billy asshole for the 2nd time. So she loses her supernatural shit and starts killing everybody in the gym, Carrie-style. Except unlike when Carrie did it, this isn't in the least bit frightening. Maybe it's the lack of red lighting and split screen. Or maybe it's because Mary Lou's corpse looks like it just escaped from Universal Studios Orlando. But I digress. She starts chasing Craig around and of course they end up in the goddamn basement. Craig manages to lose her and then opens a door to find...Vicky! She's aliiiive! Haha, just kiddin'. It's just one of Mary Lou's cunning tricks. She starts to put Craig in the trunk , but...Billy shows up and puts her crown on her head and kisses her. And...she's all happy and in her imagination she's back at Prom Night '57, content as a baby lamb. WHAT THE EFF??? That's ALL that had to happen to make her stop? SERIOUSLY???? Come ON!! She did not kill all those people and go through all of that trouble just to be placated by her goddamn crown. She DID NOT. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU JUST TAKE YOUR GODDAMN CROWN BACK WHEN ENORMOUS HAIR WAS

MESSING WITH IT EARLIER OMG OMG OMG.

But what of Vicky? Glad you asked. The real Vicky, it turns out, has been inside the trunk since she got sucked into the chalkboard. She's still in her Horrible Outfit, and she's all wet. So wait, was that really her body that went to prom? Or did Mary Lou shape shift? And if she shape shifted, whose body did her corpse climb out of? I am so confused! Anyway, Craig makes certain it's really Vicky by asking her if she takes sugar in her coffee. Vicky's all "That stuff will kill you!" Guess that settles that. By the way Vicky, you might be in for an awkward situation when you get home, seeing as how you killed tour mom and all.

So, Craig and Vicky are loaded into Billy's car and are safe and all is right with the world. But WAIT! The director isn't done with his notes from The Big Book Of Stuff Wes Craven Did First! (Remember that?) Billy is possessed by Mary Lou!!! And the car's license plate reads MaryLu2! And this was so much more entertaining when they did it in A Nightmare On Elm Street and the car contained Johnny Depp! And Billy/ML drives the kids off into the night, presumably to murder them. I can only hope.

And, that's the end! Thank God. And so ends my very first recap. Hopefully you liked it :-D

First Post!

2008-09-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've been wanting to start my own recap blog for awhile now. Since I'm kind of a horror movie freak, I figured I may as well recap horror movies. But not just ANY horror movies. No, I am going to recap the horror movies that are so bad that they're good. You know the type. Most of them were made in the 80s and contain enough fake blood and bad hair to last anybody for a respectable lifetime. So, enough introduction (ever notice how these introduction posts are almost always boring as hell?) Let's get to it!