"I Just Wasted 17 Years," or The Attic Expeditions (2001)

Before we begin this recap, I feel it's only fair to disclose that there was one reason, and one reason only, that I spent $2.99 on a used copy of this piece of crap. And that was the fact that Seth Green was featured prominently on the cover.
Granted, it's a really awful picture of him, but still. As you can see from my icon, (*helpfully points to icon*) I have a bit of a thing for the Greenster. And I said to myself, "Self, how bad can this movie be? I mean, it is a horror movie. Judging by the cover, it's a shitty horror movie, and you love those. And look, Seth Green is in it! You've been vowing to marry that guy ever since you were 13 and Idle Hands came out and you watched it 10 times in a row, and decided that he was much hotter than Devon Sawa, who was the reason you rented Idle Hands in the first place. It's a win-win, Self! Buy this movie!" That's what I said to myself.

But DAMN, this movie is baaaaaaad. This movie is so bad, I have seen it now a grand total of three times, and I still have NO EFFING CLUE what it's about. I'm not even kidding. So, take whatever you read in this recap with a grain of salt, because it's entirely possible that everything I say will be completely wrong. All I know is, it's begging to be ripped on but good.

So, in the first ten minutes or so, we are introduced to our main character, Trevor. Trevor is in a mental hospital or some such, and it would appear that the doctors plan to cut open his head and literally pick his brain. Trevor has a few flashbacks/dreams/whatever that introduce us to his girlfriend, Faith, and reveal that he may or may not have killed her after a weird witchcraft ritual gone wrong. Either way, she's dead. Alice Cooper also makes a cameo during all this.
See? Alice. Friggin'. Cooper. Moving on...

Trevor wakes up normally in a hospital bed, so I'm confused as to whether he actually had surgery, or dreamed about surgery, or what. Anyway, the head honcho of the mental hospital, whose name I at first thought was Dr. X, but is in fact Dr. Ek, informs Trevor that he has been a patient in the hospital for 4 years as part of his sentence for killing Faith. Now that he is somewhat rehabilitated, Trevor will be sent to a halfway house for recovering crazies called The House Of Love. (*Snort*) Dr. Ek also says something about a magical book or whatever that Trevor claimed to have written, which Trevor doesn't recall.

Trevor arrives at the House of Love and meets Abby, the director in charge of Love. She informs him that the Doorways Of Love are to remain open at all times, and points out the Kitchen of Love and her own Bedroom of Love, which are the only rooms forbidden to residents. He is then introduced to his new Roommates of Love, including Amy (slutty chick who draws pictures with crayons), Ronald (who is never seen without a puppet attached to one hand), Liz (who spends all her time in her bedroom typing) and Douglas (Seth). Douglas is something of an ally to Trevor and warns him to keep his distance from Amy, as she is a slutty Slutty McSlut.
Meanwhile, Dr. Ek and his assistant are watching everything that goes on in the House of Love via hidden cameras. They have some sort of discussion about why exactly they're doing that, but honestly, I wasn't paying attention. I'm sure it's for some great Evil Scientist reason, I dunno. Trevor frequently has dreams/visions/hallucinations about Faith and some trunk up in the Attic Of Love. This mysterious Trunk of Secrets must be muy importante, because ominous music plays whenever Trevor dreams of it.

One night, Ronald invites Trevor into his room, where he and his alligator puppet helpfully explain that Abby used to be in possession of a mysterious book, much like the one Trevor was told he wrote, and that the stuff Liz is constantly typing are stories from the book, or whatever. I really don't know...I was too busy being amused by Ronald and his puppet arguing with each other.
Cue the obligatory sex scene between Amy and Trevor, who has obviously chosen not to heed the wise advice of Douglas regarding Amy's skankiness. Trevor then has another dream that he's opening the Trunk of Secrets and that there's an evil mirror inside, and the mirror shows a bunch of "scary" stuff, including a severed pig head for whatever reason. Trevor wakes up from this dream by Amy's screams. I hope she's screaming because she just realized how shitty this movie is.
No, on second glance, she is in fact screaming because she has discovered Ronald's bloody corpse. Everybody gathers to view the body, and Trevor runs toward the attic door, and Abby restrains him and is all "I don't THINK so." What could be up there that she doesn't want him to see? A mysterious Trunk of Secrets, perhaps? *Raises eyebrow*

Next day, Trevor asks Douglas if maybe somebody is messing with his head and causing him to dream Trunky dreams. Douglas replies with a 2 minute monologue about....something. I'm sorry, I have no freaking clue what he said. Something about paranoia or hallucinations or whatever. For all I know, he was talking about chili cheese fries, or how to solve a Rubik's Cube. I was way too distracted by wondering who in the hell decided to put Seth Green in a pink shirt and then set him against a pink background. He looks like a giant peppermint inside a cotton candy machine. See, look:
Trevor is called into Abby's office, where she basically accuses him of murdering Ronald and his puppet, and tells him he had better watch his butt. Trevor then goes to smoke with Douglas. Douglas reveals that he too used to dream about the trunk in the attic. The two of them plan to go up in the attic that night and see what's what.

So they go up in the attic, and they see the trunk. Trevor goes all Scaredy McChickenpants and doesn't want to approach the trunk. Douglas has no such reservations and starts trying to kick the trunk open, which is a mission that might be better accomplished if he weren't wearing bunny slippers.
Just sayin'. Anyway, with every kick of the trunk, Trevor's head hurts. So, apparently he is one with the trunk? Or perhaps he has migraines. I dunno. All of a sudden he is back downstairs and starts pounding on Liz's door and yelling at her to stop typing up his magical fairy stories from the mysterious book. Everybody in the house comes out of their rooms, even Douglas, so the attic thing didn't just happen? I am so freaking confused. Anyway, Trevor opens Liz's door to discover Liz's dead body. He steps over the body and goes to her typewriter, and sees that her pages contain no words, only bloody spatters. Oh, I see. She was typing this movie's script in there. *Rimshot*

Trevor breaks down in a crying mess. Dr Ek and his assistant arrive to the House of Love and inject him with a strong hallucinogen, which sounds like a swimming plan, considering how fucked up he is already. Trevor has another dream about Faith that involves him running around in circles while white figures chase him, or something equally as retarded. I feel like running, also. Running to a safe place where this movie couldn't find me.

Dr. Ek and his Igor watch Trevor as he has this dream. The assistant points out that maybe they should quit giving him drugs that make him freak out so much (ya think?), and Dr. Ek is all "Didn't ask for your opinion, 'k? Thanks, bye."

What happens next is so confusing and stupid, I'm almost positive it ripped a hole in space and time. Between bouts of boredom and wondering what the hell was going on, I managed to grasp some key points. Trevor has a meeting with Dr. Ek and flashes back/dreams, yet again, about Faith and how they had bought a house that had the same trunk in it from the House of Love's attic, and how Faith really wants that mysterious witchcraft book, and she's ready to possess a House of Love resident if need be, and she tells him that the House Of Love is all a lie and everybody in there is an actor. Then the movie delves deeper into WTFery when Dr. Ek tells Trevor that there's this great place he's being sent to called the House of Love. Trevor arrives at HOL just as he did before, and nobody appears to know him.
Ok, I'm sorry, but I AM SO CONFUSED. What the frick is going on in this movie? Who the hell did they make this movie for? Why did Seth Green agree to be in this thing instead of reading the first 10 pages of the script and then tossing it in a bonfire? *Takes a deeeeeep breath* Okay. I'm ready to continue.

So, Trevor confronts Amy, who admits that her real name is Karen and that everybody at House of Love is an actor in an experiment to severely screw with Trevor's mind. Also, Ronald and Liz are not dead. Meanwhile, Dr. Ek's assistant has seen enough and makes to leave, promising Ek that he will make sure people know how unethical he is. Ek is all "Hell no" and injects him with some paralyzing stuff. He then delivers a monologue about magic and science and how he wants that goddamn magical book that everybody keeps talking about. My eye is starting to twitch from all the confusion.

Douglas visits Trevor in his room and states the obvious by being all "Dr. Ek is responsible for this." No, really? Who'da thunk? He then goes and takes the typewriter from Liz's room, and Dr. Ek calls some goons to go subdue him for what I'm sure is a completely stupid reason, but at this point I don't really care to ponder it for fear my head will explode. Anyway, before the goons show up, Douglas takes the typewriter and bashes Abby's head in with it. That's it. I've officially given up trying to understand this movie.

So, Douglas kills the goons with their own beatdown sticks. He is now covered in blood, which, combined with his red shirt and red(ish) hair, makes for a hell of a lot of red.
Meanwhile, Trevor has lost his shit and killed Amy. Karen. Whatever. Then Douglas appears and is all "I shall kill you!" and stuff. Apparently, he's possessed by Faith. Or something. Anyway, a chase ensues which is set to a shitty metal song. They end up in the attic, where Trevor finds the ceremonial witchcraft knife used to kill Faith in the beginning, and stabs Douglas with it. Douglas is all "Kiss me!" and then dies. LMAO.

So Trevor finally opens the freaking trunk, and a bloody hand reaches up and drags him into it. Roll credits. WTF??? Seriously, they're going to end it like that? SHENANIGANS.

Well. If your head hurt reading this recap, imagine how I felt watching the damn thing. Sad thing is, this isn't the shittiest movie I've ever sat through because of loyalty to an actor, but those are different blogs for another day.