"It's Four Years Later...What Does She Remember?" or The Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

Picture it. Movie theaters everywhere, 1973. People are lined up around the freaking block in the middle of winter, excitedly waiting for their turn to witness the phenomenon known as The Exorcist. Once inside, the movie has such a powerful effect on them that they lose their shit and start a grandiose display of fainting and vomiting, the likes of which have never been seen before (or since, really). That's how full of awesome The Exorcist is. It's the kind of film that really doesn't need a sequel.

So naturally, they made a sequel. 1977 saw the release of what is quite possibly the worst horror sequel of all time. I speak, of course, about The Exorcist II: The Heretic.

This movie takes everything you loved about the original and...um...well...hmm. Actually, no. It doesn't take anything at all that you loved about the original. My mistake. What I meant to say was, it takes elements that tie it to the first film (Linda Blair! Priests! Possession!) and mixes it with a bunch of stuff that makes no effing sense (Everything else!). All of these things are put into a big ol' pot of fail and stirred until frothy. Seriously, this one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen, not to mention the most insulting excuse for a horror sequel ever. Let's begin, shall we? You'll know it's time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this: *CHIIIIIING*

The movie opens with, of course, an opening credits sequence, set to what I first mistook to be the most horrible "WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAH" music that had ever disgraced my ears. It was actually the sounds of a woman possessed. So I'll let it slide. This is where we are introduced to Father Lamont, this movie's answer to Father Karras. Lamont is played by Richard Burton, although the exact same performance could have been handed in by a wooden log. Anyway. He tries to perform an exorcism on the possessed chick, but she catches fire. Lamont looks only mildly disquieted at the flaming ball of human in front of his face.

The film then switches gears and reunites us with Regan MacNeil, four years after her possession by the demon Pazuzu. Get used to the name Pazuzu, because you will hear it approximately 65,398 times before this movie is finished. Regan has taken up tap dancing and shows off her mad dancing skills for the benefit of the sax player who's trying to flirt with her from in front of the stage. After that, she goes to her appointment with her therapist, Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher). While Gene asks Regan what she remembers from four years ago (supposedly not a thing), I wonder why exactly a therapist's office is equipped with glass walls. Seems like it would squelch the whole privacy factor, wouldn't you say?

Gene shows Regan some mechanical doo-hickey that she says they can use together, and it will make them "very relaxed, and very comfortable." My inner eleven year old finds that funny. Especially when Regan's reply is "I don't think you're ready for it." Haha. Ok, anyway, the machine supposedly will erase all the nightmares Regan has been having lately. Meanwhile, Father Lamont is being asked by the Catholic church to investigate the details of Regan's exorcism leading up to the death of Father Merrin.

He starts by paying a visit to Gene, hoping to interview Regan before she leaves. Gene tells him that she would rather not dredge up any memories right now lest Regan become suicidal with guilt over the deaths of three people. Regan herself pops in and suggests they try the hypnosis machine thingy the next day, and an invitation is extended to Lamont to "help." Oh goody.

That night, at home, Regan pretends to be able to bend a spoon with her mind in order to freak out Sharon, her nanny from the first movie. Regan's mom is off filming a movie somewhere and is therefore not present, presumably because Ellen Burstyn took one look at the script for this thing and, after laughing her ass off, told the producers to get off her property and never come back. Or at least, that's how I would like to imagine it went. Anyway, Regan fakes out Sharon with the spoon. Joke or not, after what Sharon witnessed in the first film, I'm surprised she doesn't run screaming from the house at the mere notion that Regan might have superhuman abilities again.

The next day comes and it's time to try out the hypnosis machine. Gene explains that the two headband things attached to the machine are synchronized with each other and will allow Gene to enter Regan's memories. Um...ok. Sure. Regan is hypnotized and is asked a series of questions by Lamont about her exorcism, at which point Gene begins to freak out. Regan takes off her headband and Lamont jams it onto his head, insisting that he knows exactly the way to get Gene out of hypnosis. This whole scene is incredibly stupid. I'm not even going to mention the fact that Regan is huddled around Gene with her hand on her chest. Oops. Guess I just did.

Inside Gene's view of Regan's memory, Lamont sees a reenactment of what happened right before Father Merrin's death. While Max von Sydow reprises his role in this little replay, Linda Blair does not, reportedly because she refused to ever wear the possession makeup again. Really? It didn't seem to bother you when you did Repossessed, did it Linda? But I digress. Possessed Regan is portrayed by some other chick. She and Real Regan play tug of war with Gene's heart (literally), and I have completely checked out of this scene. Long story short (too late!), everybody comes out of hypnosis.

Gene and Lamont have a discussion about what just happened, while Regan draws a picture of Lamont on fire. This freaks Lamont out and he starts frantically looking for things that are on fire. Eventually, he and Gene discover a box in the basement that is, indeed, on fire. While Gene rushes to call the fire department, Lamont attempts to beat away the fire with a wooden stick.

I don't think you heard me.


He tries beating the FIRE with a WOODEN STICK. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

Gene hangs up the phone and walks over carrying a big-ass fire extinguisher. That she had to walk past in order to reach the phone to call the fire department. And then, using that very extinguisher, she puts the entire fire out in like 3 seconds. So...WTF was the point of calling? The building is evacuated (over a small basement fire that's been put out? That seems a bit extreme). Lamont finishes puffing away at an oxygen mask and informs Gene that the hypnosis thingymajig has made him realize that Regan still has demonic forces buried deep within her. Wonderful.

Speaking of Regan, she is having quite the terrible night's sleep. Evil sounding voices call out to her and are like "Come fly with us!" We then segue into the dream she is having about a quaint little African village where a giant locust is flying around. I'm sure this has some deep, important meaning, but hell if I can figure out what that might be. Then a swarm of locusts descend upon the villagers while some dude is carrying another dude on his shoulders, and I am extremely confused. Meanwhile, Regan gets up and sleepwalks out to her balcony and wakes up just in time to discover that she is about 1/8 of an inch from becoming a squishy, red mess on the street below.

She screams and Sharon comes running. She finds Regan on the balcony calmly playing with some doves. Ooook then. Sharon lets Regan know that she won't be home when Regan returns home from school that day, as she'll be taking a jaunt over to the Georgetown house from the first movie to take care of some things that Mrs. MacNeil couldn't be bothered with. Who thinks something evil will go down when Sharon arrives there? Me too.

Sharon arrives at the Georgetown house of horrors and looks sadly down the concrete steps where Burke Dennings and Father Karras suffered their bloody demises in the first movie. Father Lamont meets her and they head inside the house and discuss what happened during the exorcism. Sharon recites a monologue about how she stayed away from Regan for awhile after the exorcism because she was afraid of her (as would I), but came back because she discovered that being near Regan gives her a sense of peace. Interesting. She asks Lamont why that might be, and Lamont is like "Have you tried talking to a priest?" Um, Lamont? Are you not a priest? And is she not talking to you at this very moment? Idiot. Sharon agrees with me, retorting with "I'm talking to one now, aren't I?" HAHA. Lamont enters Regan's old bedroom and there's a giant locust hovering in there, presumably the same one from Regan's dream. Lamont prays at the foot of the bed, and scene. That's it? Really? That sucks. I was expecting something more..not boring. But whatever.

Back at Gene's office, she and Lamont exchange uninteresting, unimportant bits of dialogue about nothing in particular, until Gene asks him if he ever "needs a woman." What a question to ask a priest. I'm not sure which is more unintentionally hilarious; her question or his matter-of-fact reply of "Yes." As though she had asked him if he takes sugar in his coffee or something. The acting. It burns. Thankfully, Regan pops in and it's time again to use the hypnosis whatchamacallit.

This time, it is Regan and Lamont sporting the stylish hypno-headbands. Gene asks Regan if she remembers dreaming of Father Merrin and Regan says she does. What? When did she dream of Father Merrin? All I saw in that stupid dream of hers were locusts and African villagers. Then again, I get the feeling that continuity was pretty low on the director's list of priorities, far beneath more important items like "foreboding music in situations that don't call for it" and "Making sure Linda Blair walks around in every scene clearly not wearing a bra." Anyhoodle, Regan and Lamont delve together into more of her dream, which really is inhabited by Merrin now. Merrin is watching some sort of ritual take place involving a young boy with "special powers" whom Merrin believes is causing the locust swarms because of his inherent goodness. Then Merrin runs across a field to the boy, who is laying down in a state of possession. We know he is possessed because he is wearing yellow contact lenses.

The demon inside the boy informs Merrin that his name is Pazuzu. We then cut back to reality, where Lamont repeats the name in a bored manner. He repeats the name Pazuzu several times. Pazuzu sounds funnier and funnier the more times you say it in a row. Try it. Pazuzu Pazuzu Pazuzu. Back to Regan's dream, some more weird shit goes on, including the boy/demon causing some guy to fall off a cliff at 2 miles an hour. What wonderful cinematography. Merrin attempts to perform an exorcism on the boy, which is successful, it would appear. Via voice over, Lamont and what I assume to be the voice of Pazuzu have a conversation wherein Lamont is like "Haha, Merrin beat you" and Pazuzu is all "Whatevah, I could totally reclaim that boy again if I so chose." And then Pazuzu takes Lamont on "a journey" to prove his macho demon power. This "journey" consists of a series of shots of just....stuff, for a solid minute. It culminates in a shot of James Earl Jones in tribal garb, growling like a wild cat. I bet he leaves this movie off his resume. I would.

Back in real life, Gene has turned off the hypno-whatsit. Regan and Lamont emerge from their trances and Regan is dismissed. Instead of leaving, Regan wanders around the lobby of the therapy building and comes across a little girl played by Dana Plato. She tries to strike up a conversation with her by asking her what her deal is. Little Dana replies that she is autistic and Regan is like "???" so Little Dana elaborates, informing Regan that she can't talk. Regan points out that she IS talking and Little Dana looks astonished. She then asks Regan what her deal is, to which Regan replies, "I was possessed by a demon. It's ok, he's gone." LMAO. At this point, Little Dana's mom comes in and LD points to Regan and is all "Mom, know what happened to her?"

Little Dana's mom is understandably shocked at hearing her daughter speak for the first time in ever and starts crying tears of joy. Curiously, she opts not to rush over to her daughter and instead runs over to the receptionist behind the front desk. Little Dana has to go over to Mom herself, at which point the two of them hug and then rush off so Dad can hear her talk as well. Gene asks Regan what the hell just happened, and Regan is like "Nothing." Then she asks Gene if maybe she can start helping out with the other children patients. Gene is like "No effing way" and warns Regan that messing with other people's minds is dangerous. personally, I think there's only so much damage Regan could do by simply striking up friendly conversations with people, but whatever.

After Regan leaves, Lamont points out to Gene that Regan got inside Little Dana's head and caused her to start talking, to which Gene is like "Whatever, you ridiculous man." Lamont tells her not to hide behind science, and that they must find the demon that still resides inside Regan. Gene tells Lamont to stay away from Regan because she's had just about enough of his demon obsession and Lamont retorts, in his usual bored manner, "I'm not obsessed. I'm not." Really? What exactly is the point of all this demon-chasing then?

Later, as Father Lamont strolls around inside a natural history museum, he runs right into Regan. They discuss the theory some French priest came up with years ago about ESP and how someday the whole world would develop it, and how Father Merrin believed this theory, and something or other about Satan. I dunno, I checked out a couple of times during Lamont's uninspired monologue. Eventually, they stop walking when they come across a diorama of the same African locale of Regan's dream. Lamont theorizes that if he can track down the now grown boy from the dream (that would be James Earl Jones), then maybe he can figure out how to defeat Pazuzu, and I'm still lost as hell. In short, a trip to Africa is in order. He explains his need for a trip to the cardinal, who tells him that he will not allow it officially, and also tells Lamont he is officially off the investigation into Merrin's death and is to have no more contact with Regan. Well hell.

Cut to Regan standing on her balcony. Then cut to Lamont in Africa, in the same place where the one guy fell slowly in Regan's dream. He barges into some sort of ritual in progress. I zoned out for much of it, but I did gather that Lamont drank more than his share of communion wine, and I got a good giggle out of their giant communion cookie:

Back on Regan's balcony, Gene pays her a visit. Regan asks Gene to let her use the hypnothingy to go in sync with Lamont so she can "help" him. I'm not sure exactly how this will help him, but I'll go with it. Gene says no. In Africa, Lamont has a meeting with the Abbot to discuss the time Merrin visited. The Abbot tells him that there was a "devil wind" that knocked a guy off a cliff where he fell to his death (this is the guy we saw falling sloooooowly in Regan's dream), and his body was never found because of dust or something. Lamont tells them they looked in the wrong spot and that the body is somewhere over there (and he points), and I'm more confused than ever. He begins to descend down a cliff to prove that he's right. All of a sudden, we cut to Regan in a sparkly tuxedo performing a tap dancing number with several other people, also in tuxedos.

Back in Africa, Lamont has found the body of the dude, right where he said it would be. The Abbot and the other holy men are all "How did he know the body was there????" and Lamont tells him that the guy was killed by Pazuzu and that he knew the body was there because he personally took a journey with the demon. Naturally, this information freaks out the holy men just a tad, and they call him a devil worshiper and begin to beat the crap out of him and throw stones at him. At the same time this is happening, Regan's tap dancing is interrupted when she begins to suffer the same torments that Lamont is experiencing. Almost as though they are PSYCHICALLY LINKED. Hmmm. Regan ends up convulsing on the floor while Sharon looks on with that simpering whiny look of hers. Backstage, she sits by Regan's side as Gene plunges a needle into her to sedate her. Apparently, all therapists must carry needles full of sedatives with them at all times, just in case.

Back in Africa, Lamont is meeting with a French nun and asking if she knows where he might find the mysterious land of mud he saw in Regan's dream/vision/whatever the fuck it was. She doesn't, but fortunately at that very moment, Ned Beatty lands a plane outside and tells Lamont that he does indeed know where this land might be found. At this point, I give up trying to understand this stupid movie. It's nothing but a giant mind fuck.

Ned flies Lamont to the MudLands via his plane, and Lamont asks somebody there if they know where he might find James Earl Jones. They don't. Lamont continues to search the city while, back in New York, Gene tucks Regan into bed in her office of the glass walls. Cutting BACK to Lamont (and I have to admit, I'm growing tired of looking at him because he's fucking boring), he is still wandering around looking for James Earl when he comes across a group of men who say they will lead him in the right direction. It looks like they intend to mug him or beat him up or something, but instead they just lead him to a nude woman and point out her boobs and laugh. This movie has officially crossed the line into fucktarded. Meanwhile, Regan breaks free from her IV, because she's a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Lamont enters into his 1800th hour wandering around Africa and asks God for help in locating James Earl. Cut to Regan in bed in her hypnosis state calling out to Lamont, despite the fact that she isn't, as far as I can tell, hooked up to the hypnowhatsit.

Lamont gives the fuck up and asks Pazuzu himself for help in locating JEJ. I would argue that it would make no sense for Pazuzu to help him find somebody who holds the power to defeat demons. It works though, because lo and behold he makes his way to JEJ, who is dressed like a giant locust. They talk, and JEJ says something about Lamont having to rip our Regan's heart or something. I'm sorry, this movie is getting stupider and stupider by the moment and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Anyway, Lamont falls onto some spikes or whatever and wakes up with James Earl standing over him dressed in a lab coat. I'm fucking confused. What the hell just happened? Was that a dream? How can I effectively track down all those responsible for this movie and get them into one place so I may torture them, so they can suffer as I have suffered? These are all perplexing questions.

Scientist James Earl shows Lamont his collection of locusts and warns him that there is no help once a locust's wings have brushed you. Whatever the fuck that means. Then he shows Lamont a new breed of locust that has been specially bred to resist wing brushing, and I don't even fucking know anymore. At last, at long last, we focus back on Regan. Just in time, as I'm not sure how much more I could have stood of Lamont standing there like a bored statue reciting his lines off a cue card. Regan is collecting her shit and preparing to escape from Gene's institution. And she's taking the hypno-whatever with her.

Gene finds out that Regan has skipped town and contacts Sharon, who answers the door to find Father Lamont dressed in a leisure suit. She yells at him to get out. Cut to Regan, waiting for him in the natural history museum, armed with the hypno machine thingy. He arrives and they discuss the need to remove her inner evil. They check into a no-tell motel and set up the hypnothingymabob. Once again, we enter a flashback from the first movie. Merrin, in voiceover, informs Lamont that he entrusts Regan's soul to him and yadda yadda yadda. Then Merrin is teleported to Africa somehow. Regan turns off the machine and Lamont woodenly makes his way toward the train station, with Regan following close behind. It seems there is work that must be done in Georgetown.

Regan calls Gene to tell her she's sorry and that she left the hypno-thing in the motel. On the train, she asks Lamont for money to pay their fare and he doesn't answer her. So she starts going through his wallet, and when the conductor tries to ask what the hell she thinks she's doing, Lamont is like 'LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE BELONGS TO MEEE." Well then.

Gene and Sharon are attempting to follow them by plane, which Lamont is trying to telepathically crash. Regan begs him not to be lost to her, and Lamont decides not to crash the plane after all. Because a plane crash would have injected something remotely interesting into the movie and we can't have that, now can we? Eventually, after many boring padded scenes of both pairs of travelers making their way to Georgetown, Lamont and Regan arrive at her old house and Lamont beelines it to Regan's bedroom. He is promptly attacked by a swarm of locusts (again with the fucking locusts), and Gene and Sharon's cab is attacked by an unseen force. Fortunately, they crash land right into the house's front yard. I hate everything about this fucking movie. The cab is wrecked to hell and I'm pretty sure the cab driver is dead. Nevertheless, Gene is all "We have to help Regan!!!!"

Meanwhile, Regan is heading into her old room and is greeted by her possessed self, causing Real Regan to let out a mild squeal of fright. Lamont comes out of nowhere and grabs her, while the Possessed Regan on the bed slowly morphs into Whore Regan.

Whore Regan invites Lamont to "be joined with us," prompting Lamont to start humping Whore Regan while Real Regan looks on in horror. Meanwhile, Sharon sets herself on fire outside, presumably because she's as sick of this goddamn movie as I am. Back in the bedroom, Whore Regan implores Lamont to kill Real Regan, so he goes over and starts bashing RR's head against the wall. Good. Now she knows how I felt watching this fucking thing. Meanwhile, Gene runs around like a nut outside trying to find help for Sharon, who is quite frankly beyond all help.
Back in the bedroom, Lamont has switched gears and is fighting with Whore Regan on the bed when a locust swarm pours through the windows. Also, the house starts to come apart for some reason.

Lamont rips out Whore Regan's heart while Real Regan does some kind of ritualistic dance and the locusts fall dead at her feet. She emerges from the wrecked to hell house to see Gene cradling Sharon's body in her arms. Lamont acts all important and is like "The enemy of the human race has been subdued." Sure it has. Gene looks sadly at the house wreckage while ambulances and police swarm it. And thankfully, that's the end of this travesty.

If you don't mind, I shall go on with life pretending that there is only one Exorcist film. The world will be better for it. Although, if you are ever in need of a movie to make your friends run screaming from your house in terror, this would be the one.