"I Shot Him Six Times!" or Halloween II (1981)

In this era of The Horror Remake, it's sometimes easy to forget that there was once a time before Rob Zombie was taking giant dumps all over an iconic baddie like Michael Myers. But there was indeed a time in history when we weren't supposed to feel sorry for Michael because his mom was a stripper and nobody took him trick or treating as a child. No, this old school Michael put on his William Shatner mask and killed just because he is eeeeviiiil, and that's what made him scary.

In 1978, John Carpenter created Halloween, and audiences were scared shitless, and he saw that it was good. But lo, Halloween suffered from the debilitating disease of No-Sequel-Itis. In the early 80s, no doubt inspired by the swimming pools full of money that Friday The 13th and its first sequel had brought home, the executive bigwigs over at Universal were like "We should totally get in on this shit." And so, in 1981, Halloween II was born.

I find it incredibly delicious to think that they hired somebody to add two words to the first movie's tagline and slap it on the poster there.

Halloween II picks up right where the first one left off, even backtracking a bit to show Laurie Strode's final showdown with Michael Myers and Dr. Samuel Loomis shooting him. Michael, of course, gets up completely unperturbed from the bullets that have just riddles his body. Because he is the very picture of eeeeeevil. And then we have opening credits.

Cut to Michael's POV as he watches Loomis bark at the police for a bit ("I shot him SIX TIMES!!!!!!!") and then stalks his way into the home of the Elrods, an elderly couple. Mrs. Elrod is preparing sandwiches and asks her husband, Harold, if he would enjoy mayonnaise on his. Harold, a product of the old days in which women were expected to always be able to read their man's mind when it comes to condiments, doesn't answer her. Mrs. E. spreads mayo on his sandwich anyway. God help her if he didn't want it. While she is distracted watching a conveniently placed newscast recapping the body count from the first movie, Michael sneaks into the kitchen and steals her sandwich makin' knife. Harold isn't going to be pleased. Mrs. E. finally reaches for the knife and her fingers brush a spot of blood that Michael left in his wake. She screams.

Meanwhile, next door, a teenage girl named Alice has heard Mrs. Elrod screaming and pokes her head outside to yell "Are you alright?" Receiving no answer, she assumes all is well and goes back to her phone conversation. Good going, Alice. What if the Elrods are laying in a pool of their own blood and can't answer you? They're not, but what if they were? I'm glad you aren't my neighbor.

Alice reports to her friend on the other end of the phone that she was just checking out some mysterious screaming. She deduces that Harold has perhaps grown weary of Mrs. E.'s nagging at him and has decided to start beating her. And Alice doesn't think that this is a problem. Alice's friend tells her about the babysitter massacre that just occurred down the street and Alice barely has time to react to this news when Michael sneaks up on her and jams his knife into her jugular. This makes absolutely no sense, as it is out of character for him. In the first movie, he basically only killed the people he had to in order to get to Laurie, yes? Thus, killing Alice serves no purpose whatsoever. But I digress. Body Count: 1

The po'po have gathered at the house where Laurie was babysitting earlier. She is being carted out on a stretcher, wearing the worst wig ever to disgrace the silver screen. For serious. Take a look at this handy comparison. On the left is Laurie in the first film. On the right is her in this movie, which takes place on the same night:

Wow. I have no words. So, moving on, Laurie is being transported to the hospital. Cut to the outside of the hospital. A woman is seen taking her kid inside because, I think, the kid has bitten into a razor blade that was in his candy. Cute. Also, WTF does that have to do with anything? It's really random. Laurie arrives at the hospital and begs the doctor not to put her to sleep. He does. He also opts not to have armed guards stationed by her door, even though she is being pursued by a knife wielding maniac who is still at large. Gotta love movie logic.

Loomis and Sheriff Brackett are driving around and come across somebody dressed exactly like Michael, mask and all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this probably isn't our guy. Nevertheless, Loomis and Brackett start to chase this person down when all of a sudden, a police car comes zooming down the street at 1200 miles an hour and runs the guy over. The question of why a police car is going such an outrageous speed on a residential street where he knows children are trick or treating is best left unpondered, as it will give you a headache. The point is, Faux Michael is caught between the police car and a van, both of which are on fire. Another police officer comes running up to Sheriff Brackett and tells him that his daughter's body was among those found in the house of horrors. So, no time just yet to figure out the identity of Faux Michael.

After yet another scene with the woman and Junior Razorblade (seriously, this woman must have slept with the director or something, because this whole little subplot is extremely irrelevant), we cut to some hospital staffers watching a news report on the murders and tsk tsking. Jimmy, the young paramedic who attended to Laurie in the ambulance, comes into her room to flirt. Because the best time to flirt is always when the other person is recovering from multiple stab wounds. Laurie seems to be going for it though, so go figure.

Outside the murder house, Sheriff Brackett leaves Loomis on his own to go home and mourn his daughter's death. The police are fairly certain that the guy who just burned to death was Michael and are ready to be all "Yay, he's dead." Loomis, of course, knows better and tells them so. An officer asks what they should do then, and Loomis launches into a monologue as only he can, dramatically stating that Michael is eeeeeeeeviiiiil. Hey Loomis, how's about you shut up and just help the police, ok?

So, where exactly is Michael while all of this is going on? Here it is almost half an hour into this movie and we've barely seen him. Michael, it turns out, is strolling through the streets of Haddonfield as leisurely as a daisy blowing in the breeze on a summer's day. One would think that the townspeople would see him carrying his knife and, you know, start screaming and running for the hills, but they don't. Michael comes across a conveniently placed sign that says "Haddonfield Memorial Hospital," with an arrow pointing him in the right direction. Well isn't that just quaint and dandy. All that's missing is for him to tip his hat and stroll away humming Singin' In The Rain with a piece of straw in his mouth. He reaches his destination awfully quickly, as 20 seconds later we see him walking right past the security cameras and into the hospital. The guy who is supposed to be watching the monitors doesn't notice, of course, because he is a slasher cliche.

In the hospital break room, we are formally introduced to the victims we will watch die within the next hour, and a lame attempt at "character development" is done for each of them. A young nurse named Karen, who arrives to work late and who is presumably the hospital whore. Another nurse named Janet, who hates when people swear. A dude named Budd who swears just to piss Janet off. This is the extent of their characters. Jimmy stands in the corner brooding over Laurie. He decides to go and visit her long enough to tell her that it was Michael Myers who was after her. Laurie is shocked to hear this, as she assumed that damn Myers guy was locked away in an asylum.

Michael, meanwhile, is wandering around the hospital's basement. This hospital, by the way, is practically deserted except for our motley crew of staffers, Laurie, and some babies in the maternity ward. It is also dark as shit. I have been inside my share of hospitals at nighttime, and not only does every light stay ablaze, but never are there less than two dozen doctors/nurses walking around exchanging medical jargon with each other. Especially in the juvenile ward. Shenanigans, Halloween II. Shenanigans.

Well, anyway. Michael is wandering around undetected. Janet Who Doesn't Like Swears and Mr. Garrett, the security guard, have gone to investigate why the phones are mysteriously not working. Mr. Garrett figures out that someone has broken into the storage room and yells through his walky talky for Janet to get the police. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught Janet how to use a walky talky, because she only fiddles with it and complains "I don't know how to use this thing!" Seriously? Pressing a button and talking into the microphone is beyond your skill level?

As Janet struggles to understand the genius behind the walky talky, Mr. Garrett opens a door and 9 million boxes come crashing down on his head. I would love to think that Michael took the time to set that up, because it makes me giggle. Eventually, Mr. G. runs into Mikey, who has apparently grown bored with his butcher knife and has decided to do Garrett in with a hammer instead. Body Count: 2 Back in the dark, deserted hallway, Janet is still trying to figure out her walky talky. Thankfully, she gives up and stalks back to her post.

At the coroner's office, the identity of Faux Michael is still being determined. The coroner informs Loomis and the police that nothing will be certain until dental records and x-rays have been checked. Obviously, that just won't do. The decision is made to assume Michael is still alive, and the police head back out, where they come across an actual angry mob throwing rocks at the Myers homestead. All that's missing are pitchforks and torches. I'm not sure exactly what these people are hoping to accomplish, because Michael is clearly not in there. Maybe they're hoping that he will come home, see the damage done to the house, shake his head, sigh, and think "Why do I do it? Why do I alienate myself from the mainstream? I should change from now on."

Loomis launches into another variation of the only monologue about Michael that he knows (key phrases such as "eeeevil," "Halloween," and "not human" intermixed with various mumblings). This dramatic speech is interrupted by two Haddonfield teens, who say that they're awfully worried about their friend, Ben Traymer. Ben, you see, has not been seen since he left a Halloween party a few hours ago. And he had a "stupid mask" on. Gee, do you think Faux Michael could possibly be Ben? Me too. Loomis agrees with me. Let's see what's going on at the hospital in the meantime.

Nurse Karen has decided that the babies in the maternity ward can just fend for themselves, and she heads on down to the basement to have a soak in the therapeutic hot tub with Budd. Across the hall, Laurie is having a dream/flashback about learning, at the age of 10 or so, that she was adopted. She also remembers visiting Michael in the sanitarium, and presumably knowing that he is her brother. *Gasp!* Like you didn't know. Since Laurie is apparently aware that she is related to Mikey, it makes the earlier scene where she refers to him as "That kid who killed his sister" more than a little bit odd. But anyway. Karen and Budd are enjoying the hot tub downstairs. Naturally, Michael is lurking in the shadows and is wondering how on earth he is going to kill them. I mean, really. Butcher knives are soooo '78. No, this kill really needs to sparkle. Behold, my children....the hot tub temperature gauge:

Pay extra attention to the right side of the gauge that's colored all red. Although it may be hard to make out in that picture, there's no doubt as to what it says on my TV screen right now. It says "Scalding" and it goes up to way more than the posted limit of 100 degrees. What. The. Hell. I feel I must ask...why oh why does a hot tub for humans possess a setting for scalding? That seems like it would just be a major lawsuit waiting to happen, wouldn't you agree? Unless they make hard boiled eggs in there during off hours. Yes, that must be it. But back on topic, Michael is slowly turning the temperature up. Karen makes Budd get out to check the gauge, where he is quickly eliminated (Body Count: 3), as Michael hardly has the time to creatively kill the men. No, the best kills are always reserved for the ladies. He stalks up to Karen, who does the cliche thing of mistaking him for her boyfriend. Michael lets her suck on his fingers for a bit before grabbing her head and stuffing it right into the scalding water. Gore isn't skimped on here, as the water spectacularly melts Karen's flesh right off. Ouchies. Body Count: 4

Back to Dr. Loomis and Co. A nurse from the Smith's Grove Sanitarium catches up to them and informs Loomis that he is to return to SGS immediately because he has severely fucked up this whole Michael Myers thing. Oh dear. Cut back to the hospital, where Jimmy The Paramedic has stolen back into Laurie's room to make a heartfelt speech about how he's never going to let anything happen to her. Aaaw. Too bad Laurie didn't hear any of it, because she has had a reaction to her medication and is catatonic.

Jimmy summons help, and Nurse Janet runs down the hall to Dr. Mixter's office, as he is clearly the only doctor in the entire hospital. He is also as dead as Winona Ryder's career after that unfortunate shoplifting incident. Body Count: 5. Janet barely has time to react to this when Michael ambushes her with a syringe to the eyeball. Body Count: 6. Whoever is playing Michael here tries his best to do the little head tilt thing from the first movie and make it just as creepy. He fails. Tell me that doesn't look like a sad clown:

Jimmy has grown tired of waiting for that useless Janet to return with Dr. Mixter and goes in search of the head nurse, Nurse Alves, which leaves Laurie's room unattended. Michael creeps in with a scalpel at the ready. He's going to finally murder Laurie and damn if anything is going to stop him now. Oops...not so fast there, Mikey. Take a look under the covers. Go on, look. LOOK I said! See? You've been stabbing nothing but mattress, because Laurie is gone. HA. Also, what? I thought she was comatose, unless maybe she was merely pretending for some reason. I dunno. Just go with it. Laurie stumbles her way across the hospital and attempts to phone for help. I guess she didn't get the memo about the phones being out. Time for Plan B. Jimmy and a nurse named Jill have suddenly realized that the hospital's staff of utter morons are all gone and they're mysteriously alone. Jimmy is all "We have to find Laurie!!!!!" and his brilliant plan is for he and Jill to split up and search separate wings of No Lights Memorial Hospital. This should turn out well.

Jimmy's search turns up the body of Nurse Alves, who has been given the IV drip of death (Body Count: 7). As he turns around to leave, he slips in her blood and falls right on his head. Good job. Jill, meanwhile, has opted to get the hell out of Dodge and is scurrying across the parking lot to her car. But oh noes...her engine won't start! And every last car in the parking lot has flat tires! Whatever you do, Jill, I definitely wouldn't run back into the...goddammit. I said NOT to go back into the hospital. *Sigh* Jill happens to run right into Laurie's path and implores her to stop stumbling away from her. Laurie turns around just in time to see Michael lift Jill up off the floor by sheer force of his scalpel. Body Count: 8. And it's ON.

Laurie can run really well all of a sudden for someone who was stumbling mere seconds earlier. She runs and runs until she reaches the basement, where Michael has conveinently laid out the bodies of all the victims. I'm rather confused as to when he had the time to do this, but I'll go with it. He catches up with Laurie, who quite conveniently manages to hail the elevator just in the nick of time to escape. She exits the elevator like a bat out of hell and hauls ass out of the hospital and into the parking lot.

Cut to Loomis being escorted back to Smith's Grove with the nurse lady. He begins one of his patented Dramatic Loomis Monologues, but she interrupts him and informs him that there is a SECRET FILE on Michael Myers that was so super duper SECRET that nobody ever knew about it, because it was such a SECRET. And the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly. Ahem. Anyway. According to the SECRET FILE, Laurie is Michael's sister. Um, wow. I would totally be astonished, except for the fact that they pretty much already revealed this information thirty minutes ago via Laurie's flashback. So...yeah. Loomis convinces the driver to turn the car around and go to the hospital, by way of firing a gun near the driver's head. Loomis is awesome.

Laurie is hiding in a car when who should appear but Jimmy The Paramedic. He assures her that he will get her out of here, and then he faints right on top of the horn, providing Michael with a loud, blaring signal as to their whereabouts. Jimmy....you're full of fail. Laurie manages to pry him off the steering wheel and tries to start the car. It won't start. She has the good fortune to stumble out of the car right as Loomis and Co. are walking into the hospital, but wastes this stroke of luck by waiting to scream for help until they're already inside. Good job, Laurie.

She finally gets her wits about her and pounds on the hospital doors. They let her in, but Michael is right on her ass and just barges through the glass doors because he is made of badassery. Loomis is ready with a gun and shoots Michael down, not that it worked before. And guess what? It didn't work this time either. As the cab driver/police officer bends down to get reeeeally close to Michael's face, Mikey sits right up and slashes the hell out of the dude's throat. Body Count: 9. Idiot. Everyone knows you never get right up in the killer's face when you think he's dead. Because he never is.

Anyhoo, Loomis and Laurie must now run. And run they do, as Michael slowly stalks them like he's got all the time in the world. Loomis shoves his gun in Michael's face, and Michael responds by shoving his scalpel into Loomis' stomach. Score one for Michael, I suppose. Laurie has had quite enough of Michael's shit tonight and shoots him right between the eyes. As Michael hilariously swings his scalpel blindly at Laurie, Loomis gets up and blows up an oxygen tank, totally annihilating the entire wing of the hospital they're in. Never mind that there might be patients in that wing, or anything. The important thing is, Michael and Loomis are both dead. Until we get to Halloween 4, that is, when they are both miraculously resurrected because it turns out that you can't slap the title Halloween 3 on a movie that's not in any way, shape, or form about Michael Myers and expect a great box office return. But that will be another blog for another day. Body Count: 11. Roll credits and get Mr. Sandman stuck in my head for the rest of the night. Thanks.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love the entire Halloween franchise, faults and all. So here's to you, Halloween II, for being such a delicious slice of the slasher era of old.

"It's Four Years Later...What Does She Remember?" or The Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)

Picture it. Movie theaters everywhere, 1973. People are lined up around the freaking block in the middle of winter, excitedly waiting for their turn to witness the phenomenon known as The Exorcist. Once inside, the movie has such a powerful effect on them that they lose their shit and start a grandiose display of fainting and vomiting, the likes of which have never been seen before (or since, really). That's how full of awesome The Exorcist is. It's the kind of film that really doesn't need a sequel.

So naturally, they made a sequel. 1977 saw the release of what is quite possibly the worst horror sequel of all time. I speak, of course, about The Exorcist II: The Heretic.

This movie takes everything you loved about the original and...um...well...hmm. Actually, no. It doesn't take anything at all that you loved about the original. My mistake. What I meant to say was, it takes elements that tie it to the first film (Linda Blair! Priests! Possession!) and mixes it with a bunch of stuff that makes no effing sense (Everything else!). All of these things are put into a big ol' pot of fail and stirred until frothy. Seriously, this one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen, not to mention the most insulting excuse for a horror sequel ever. Let's begin, shall we? You'll know it's time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this: *CHIIIIIING*

The movie opens with, of course, an opening credits sequence, set to what I first mistook to be the most horrible "WAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAH" music that had ever disgraced my ears. It was actually the sounds of a woman possessed. So I'll let it slide. This is where we are introduced to Father Lamont, this movie's answer to Father Karras. Lamont is played by Richard Burton, although the exact same performance could have been handed in by a wooden log. Anyway. He tries to perform an exorcism on the possessed chick, but she catches fire. Lamont looks only mildly disquieted at the flaming ball of human in front of his face.

The film then switches gears and reunites us with Regan MacNeil, four years after her possession by the demon Pazuzu. Get used to the name Pazuzu, because you will hear it approximately 65,398 times before this movie is finished. Regan has taken up tap dancing and shows off her mad dancing skills for the benefit of the sax player who's trying to flirt with her from in front of the stage. After that, she goes to her appointment with her therapist, Dr. Gene Tuskin (Louise Fletcher). While Gene asks Regan what she remembers from four years ago (supposedly not a thing), I wonder why exactly a therapist's office is equipped with glass walls. Seems like it would squelch the whole privacy factor, wouldn't you say?

Gene shows Regan some mechanical doo-hickey that she says they can use together, and it will make them "very relaxed, and very comfortable." My inner eleven year old finds that funny. Especially when Regan's reply is "I don't think you're ready for it." Haha. Ok, anyway, the machine supposedly will erase all the nightmares Regan has been having lately. Meanwhile, Father Lamont is being asked by the Catholic church to investigate the details of Regan's exorcism leading up to the death of Father Merrin.

He starts by paying a visit to Gene, hoping to interview Regan before she leaves. Gene tells him that she would rather not dredge up any memories right now lest Regan become suicidal with guilt over the deaths of three people. Regan herself pops in and suggests they try the hypnosis machine thingy the next day, and an invitation is extended to Lamont to "help." Oh goody.

That night, at home, Regan pretends to be able to bend a spoon with her mind in order to freak out Sharon, her nanny from the first movie. Regan's mom is off filming a movie somewhere and is therefore not present, presumably because Ellen Burstyn took one look at the script for this thing and, after laughing her ass off, told the producers to get off her property and never come back. Or at least, that's how I would like to imagine it went. Anyway, Regan fakes out Sharon with the spoon. Joke or not, after what Sharon witnessed in the first film, I'm surprised she doesn't run screaming from the house at the mere notion that Regan might have superhuman abilities again.

The next day comes and it's time to try out the hypnosis machine. Gene explains that the two headband things attached to the machine are synchronized with each other and will allow Gene to enter Regan's memories. Um...ok. Sure. Regan is hypnotized and is asked a series of questions by Lamont about her exorcism, at which point Gene begins to freak out. Regan takes off her headband and Lamont jams it onto his head, insisting that he knows exactly the way to get Gene out of hypnosis. This whole scene is incredibly stupid. I'm not even going to mention the fact that Regan is huddled around Gene with her hand on her chest. Oops. Guess I just did.

Inside Gene's view of Regan's memory, Lamont sees a reenactment of what happened right before Father Merrin's death. While Max von Sydow reprises his role in this little replay, Linda Blair does not, reportedly because she refused to ever wear the possession makeup again. Really? It didn't seem to bother you when you did Repossessed, did it Linda? But I digress. Possessed Regan is portrayed by some other chick. She and Real Regan play tug of war with Gene's heart (literally), and I have completely checked out of this scene. Long story short (too late!), everybody comes out of hypnosis.

Gene and Lamont have a discussion about what just happened, while Regan draws a picture of Lamont on fire. This freaks Lamont out and he starts frantically looking for things that are on fire. Eventually, he and Gene discover a box in the basement that is, indeed, on fire. While Gene rushes to call the fire department, Lamont attempts to beat away the fire with a wooden stick.

I don't think you heard me.


He tries beating the FIRE with a WOODEN STICK. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

Gene hangs up the phone and walks over carrying a big-ass fire extinguisher. That she had to walk past in order to reach the phone to call the fire department. And then, using that very extinguisher, she puts the entire fire out in like 3 seconds. So...WTF was the point of calling? The building is evacuated (over a small basement fire that's been put out? That seems a bit extreme). Lamont finishes puffing away at an oxygen mask and informs Gene that the hypnosis thingymajig has made him realize that Regan still has demonic forces buried deep within her. Wonderful.

Speaking of Regan, she is having quite the terrible night's sleep. Evil sounding voices call out to her and are like "Come fly with us!" We then segue into the dream she is having about a quaint little African village where a giant locust is flying around. I'm sure this has some deep, important meaning, but hell if I can figure out what that might be. Then a swarm of locusts descend upon the villagers while some dude is carrying another dude on his shoulders, and I am extremely confused. Meanwhile, Regan gets up and sleepwalks out to her balcony and wakes up just in time to discover that she is about 1/8 of an inch from becoming a squishy, red mess on the street below.

She screams and Sharon comes running. She finds Regan on the balcony calmly playing with some doves. Ooook then. Sharon lets Regan know that she won't be home when Regan returns home from school that day, as she'll be taking a jaunt over to the Georgetown house from the first movie to take care of some things that Mrs. MacNeil couldn't be bothered with. Who thinks something evil will go down when Sharon arrives there? Me too.

Sharon arrives at the Georgetown house of horrors and looks sadly down the concrete steps where Burke Dennings and Father Karras suffered their bloody demises in the first movie. Father Lamont meets her and they head inside the house and discuss what happened during the exorcism. Sharon recites a monologue about how she stayed away from Regan for awhile after the exorcism because she was afraid of her (as would I), but came back because she discovered that being near Regan gives her a sense of peace. Interesting. She asks Lamont why that might be, and Lamont is like "Have you tried talking to a priest?" Um, Lamont? Are you not a priest? And is she not talking to you at this very moment? Idiot. Sharon agrees with me, retorting with "I'm talking to one now, aren't I?" HAHA. Lamont enters Regan's old bedroom and there's a giant locust hovering in there, presumably the same one from Regan's dream. Lamont prays at the foot of the bed, and scene. That's it? Really? That sucks. I was expecting something more..not boring. But whatever.

Back at Gene's office, she and Lamont exchange uninteresting, unimportant bits of dialogue about nothing in particular, until Gene asks him if he ever "needs a woman." What a question to ask a priest. I'm not sure which is more unintentionally hilarious; her question or his matter-of-fact reply of "Yes." As though she had asked him if he takes sugar in his coffee or something. The acting. It burns. Thankfully, Regan pops in and it's time again to use the hypnosis whatchamacallit.

This time, it is Regan and Lamont sporting the stylish hypno-headbands. Gene asks Regan if she remembers dreaming of Father Merrin and Regan says she does. What? When did she dream of Father Merrin? All I saw in that stupid dream of hers were locusts and African villagers. Then again, I get the feeling that continuity was pretty low on the director's list of priorities, far beneath more important items like "foreboding music in situations that don't call for it" and "Making sure Linda Blair walks around in every scene clearly not wearing a bra." Anyhoodle, Regan and Lamont delve together into more of her dream, which really is inhabited by Merrin now. Merrin is watching some sort of ritual take place involving a young boy with "special powers" whom Merrin believes is causing the locust swarms because of his inherent goodness. Then Merrin runs across a field to the boy, who is laying down in a state of possession. We know he is possessed because he is wearing yellow contact lenses.

The demon inside the boy informs Merrin that his name is Pazuzu. We then cut back to reality, where Lamont repeats the name in a bored manner. He repeats the name Pazuzu several times. Pazuzu sounds funnier and funnier the more times you say it in a row. Try it. Pazuzu Pazuzu Pazuzu. Back to Regan's dream, some more weird shit goes on, including the boy/demon causing some guy to fall off a cliff at 2 miles an hour. What wonderful cinematography. Merrin attempts to perform an exorcism on the boy, which is successful, it would appear. Via voice over, Lamont and what I assume to be the voice of Pazuzu have a conversation wherein Lamont is like "Haha, Merrin beat you" and Pazuzu is all "Whatevah, I could totally reclaim that boy again if I so chose." And then Pazuzu takes Lamont on "a journey" to prove his macho demon power. This "journey" consists of a series of shots of just....stuff, for a solid minute. It culminates in a shot of James Earl Jones in tribal garb, growling like a wild cat. I bet he leaves this movie off his resume. I would.

Back in real life, Gene has turned off the hypno-whatsit. Regan and Lamont emerge from their trances and Regan is dismissed. Instead of leaving, Regan wanders around the lobby of the therapy building and comes across a little girl played by Dana Plato. She tries to strike up a conversation with her by asking her what her deal is. Little Dana replies that she is autistic and Regan is like "???" so Little Dana elaborates, informing Regan that she can't talk. Regan points out that she IS talking and Little Dana looks astonished. She then asks Regan what her deal is, to which Regan replies, "I was possessed by a demon. It's ok, he's gone." LMAO. At this point, Little Dana's mom comes in and LD points to Regan and is all "Mom, know what happened to her?"

Little Dana's mom is understandably shocked at hearing her daughter speak for the first time in ever and starts crying tears of joy. Curiously, she opts not to rush over to her daughter and instead runs over to the receptionist behind the front desk. Little Dana has to go over to Mom herself, at which point the two of them hug and then rush off so Dad can hear her talk as well. Gene asks Regan what the hell just happened, and Regan is like "Nothing." Then she asks Gene if maybe she can start helping out with the other children patients. Gene is like "No effing way" and warns Regan that messing with other people's minds is dangerous. personally, I think there's only so much damage Regan could do by simply striking up friendly conversations with people, but whatever.

After Regan leaves, Lamont points out to Gene that Regan got inside Little Dana's head and caused her to start talking, to which Gene is like "Whatever, you ridiculous man." Lamont tells her not to hide behind science, and that they must find the demon that still resides inside Regan. Gene tells Lamont to stay away from Regan because she's had just about enough of his demon obsession and Lamont retorts, in his usual bored manner, "I'm not obsessed. I'm not." Really? What exactly is the point of all this demon-chasing then?

Later, as Father Lamont strolls around inside a natural history museum, he runs right into Regan. They discuss the theory some French priest came up with years ago about ESP and how someday the whole world would develop it, and how Father Merrin believed this theory, and something or other about Satan. I dunno, I checked out a couple of times during Lamont's uninspired monologue. Eventually, they stop walking when they come across a diorama of the same African locale of Regan's dream. Lamont theorizes that if he can track down the now grown boy from the dream (that would be James Earl Jones), then maybe he can figure out how to defeat Pazuzu, and I'm still lost as hell. In short, a trip to Africa is in order. He explains his need for a trip to the cardinal, who tells him that he will not allow it officially, and also tells Lamont he is officially off the investigation into Merrin's death and is to have no more contact with Regan. Well hell.

Cut to Regan standing on her balcony. Then cut to Lamont in Africa, in the same place where the one guy fell slowly in Regan's dream. He barges into some sort of ritual in progress. I zoned out for much of it, but I did gather that Lamont drank more than his share of communion wine, and I got a good giggle out of their giant communion cookie:

Back on Regan's balcony, Gene pays her a visit. Regan asks Gene to let her use the hypnothingy to go in sync with Lamont so she can "help" him. I'm not sure exactly how this will help him, but I'll go with it. Gene says no. In Africa, Lamont has a meeting with the Abbot to discuss the time Merrin visited. The Abbot tells him that there was a "devil wind" that knocked a guy off a cliff where he fell to his death (this is the guy we saw falling sloooooowly in Regan's dream), and his body was never found because of dust or something. Lamont tells them they looked in the wrong spot and that the body is somewhere over there (and he points), and I'm more confused than ever. He begins to descend down a cliff to prove that he's right. All of a sudden, we cut to Regan in a sparkly tuxedo performing a tap dancing number with several other people, also in tuxedos.

Back in Africa, Lamont has found the body of the dude, right where he said it would be. The Abbot and the other holy men are all "How did he know the body was there????" and Lamont tells him that the guy was killed by Pazuzu and that he knew the body was there because he personally took a journey with the demon. Naturally, this information freaks out the holy men just a tad, and they call him a devil worshiper and begin to beat the crap out of him and throw stones at him. At the same time this is happening, Regan's tap dancing is interrupted when she begins to suffer the same torments that Lamont is experiencing. Almost as though they are PSYCHICALLY LINKED. Hmmm. Regan ends up convulsing on the floor while Sharon looks on with that simpering whiny look of hers. Backstage, she sits by Regan's side as Gene plunges a needle into her to sedate her. Apparently, all therapists must carry needles full of sedatives with them at all times, just in case.

Back in Africa, Lamont is meeting with a French nun and asking if she knows where he might find the mysterious land of mud he saw in Regan's dream/vision/whatever the fuck it was. She doesn't, but fortunately at that very moment, Ned Beatty lands a plane outside and tells Lamont that he does indeed know where this land might be found. At this point, I give up trying to understand this stupid movie. It's nothing but a giant mind fuck.

Ned flies Lamont to the MudLands via his plane, and Lamont asks somebody there if they know where he might find James Earl Jones. They don't. Lamont continues to search the city while, back in New York, Gene tucks Regan into bed in her office of the glass walls. Cutting BACK to Lamont (and I have to admit, I'm growing tired of looking at him because he's fucking boring), he is still wandering around looking for James Earl when he comes across a group of men who say they will lead him in the right direction. It looks like they intend to mug him or beat him up or something, but instead they just lead him to a nude woman and point out her boobs and laugh. This movie has officially crossed the line into fucktarded. Meanwhile, Regan breaks free from her IV, because she's a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Lamont enters into his 1800th hour wandering around Africa and asks God for help in locating James Earl. Cut to Regan in bed in her hypnosis state calling out to Lamont, despite the fact that she isn't, as far as I can tell, hooked up to the hypnowhatsit.

Lamont gives the fuck up and asks Pazuzu himself for help in locating JEJ. I would argue that it would make no sense for Pazuzu to help him find somebody who holds the power to defeat demons. It works though, because lo and behold he makes his way to JEJ, who is dressed like a giant locust. They talk, and JEJ says something about Lamont having to rip our Regan's heart or something. I'm sorry, this movie is getting stupider and stupider by the moment and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. Anyway, Lamont falls onto some spikes or whatever and wakes up with James Earl standing over him dressed in a lab coat. I'm fucking confused. What the hell just happened? Was that a dream? How can I effectively track down all those responsible for this movie and get them into one place so I may torture them, so they can suffer as I have suffered? These are all perplexing questions.

Scientist James Earl shows Lamont his collection of locusts and warns him that there is no help once a locust's wings have brushed you. Whatever the fuck that means. Then he shows Lamont a new breed of locust that has been specially bred to resist wing brushing, and I don't even fucking know anymore. At last, at long last, we focus back on Regan. Just in time, as I'm not sure how much more I could have stood of Lamont standing there like a bored statue reciting his lines off a cue card. Regan is collecting her shit and preparing to escape from Gene's institution. And she's taking the hypno-whatever with her.

Gene finds out that Regan has skipped town and contacts Sharon, who answers the door to find Father Lamont dressed in a leisure suit. She yells at him to get out. Cut to Regan, waiting for him in the natural history museum, armed with the hypno machine thingy. He arrives and they discuss the need to remove her inner evil. They check into a no-tell motel and set up the hypnothingymabob. Once again, we enter a flashback from the first movie. Merrin, in voiceover, informs Lamont that he entrusts Regan's soul to him and yadda yadda yadda. Then Merrin is teleported to Africa somehow. Regan turns off the machine and Lamont woodenly makes his way toward the train station, with Regan following close behind. It seems there is work that must be done in Georgetown.

Regan calls Gene to tell her she's sorry and that she left the hypno-thing in the motel. On the train, she asks Lamont for money to pay their fare and he doesn't answer her. So she starts going through his wallet, and when the conductor tries to ask what the hell she thinks she's doing, Lamont is like 'LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE BELONGS TO MEEE." Well then.

Gene and Sharon are attempting to follow them by plane, which Lamont is trying to telepathically crash. Regan begs him not to be lost to her, and Lamont decides not to crash the plane after all. Because a plane crash would have injected something remotely interesting into the movie and we can't have that, now can we? Eventually, after many boring padded scenes of both pairs of travelers making their way to Georgetown, Lamont and Regan arrive at her old house and Lamont beelines it to Regan's bedroom. He is promptly attacked by a swarm of locusts (again with the fucking locusts), and Gene and Sharon's cab is attacked by an unseen force. Fortunately, they crash land right into the house's front yard. I hate everything about this fucking movie. The cab is wrecked to hell and I'm pretty sure the cab driver is dead. Nevertheless, Gene is all "We have to help Regan!!!!"

Meanwhile, Regan is heading into her old room and is greeted by her possessed self, causing Real Regan to let out a mild squeal of fright. Lamont comes out of nowhere and grabs her, while the Possessed Regan on the bed slowly morphs into Whore Regan.

Whore Regan invites Lamont to "be joined with us," prompting Lamont to start humping Whore Regan while Real Regan looks on in horror. Meanwhile, Sharon sets herself on fire outside, presumably because she's as sick of this goddamn movie as I am. Back in the bedroom, Whore Regan implores Lamont to kill Real Regan, so he goes over and starts bashing RR's head against the wall. Good. Now she knows how I felt watching this fucking thing. Meanwhile, Gene runs around like a nut outside trying to find help for Sharon, who is quite frankly beyond all help.
Back in the bedroom, Lamont has switched gears and is fighting with Whore Regan on the bed when a locust swarm pours through the windows. Also, the house starts to come apart for some reason.

Lamont rips out Whore Regan's heart while Real Regan does some kind of ritualistic dance and the locusts fall dead at her feet. She emerges from the wrecked to hell house to see Gene cradling Sharon's body in her arms. Lamont acts all important and is like "The enemy of the human race has been subdued." Sure it has. Gene looks sadly at the house wreckage while ambulances and police swarm it. And thankfully, that's the end of this travesty.

If you don't mind, I shall go on with life pretending that there is only one Exorcist film. The world will be better for it. Although, if you are ever in need of a movie to make your friends run screaming from your house in terror, this would be the one.

"Your Ass Stinks" or Return To Sleepaway Camp (2008)

And now we come to it. The final chapter (for now) in the Sleepaway Camp franchise. Return To Sleepaway Camp had, apparently, been stuck in development hell for like 6 years or something, because it was supposed to come out in 2002 and was only recently released last fall. This is truly a gem of the series.

Naaaah, I'm totally kidding. Actually, while it doesn't exactly suck out loud, nobody would mistake it for a Good Movie. Good to know a movie can be worked on for so long and still be a turkey. Fortunately, I enjoy turkey. For all it's turkiness, though, the movie does have some good qualities. For one thing, it tones down the self-referential slasher humor several hundred notches and makes a quasi-return to the campy yet serious tone of the first movie. For another, a shitload of cast members from the first movie have come back. So, yeah. Let's DO THIS. (By the way, if you haven't yet seen this particular entry in the series, this recap is going to be super duper spoilerific. So, consider yourself warned. It's also a lot longer than usual, so grab a sandwich or something).
Behold, dear readers: the DVD cover art for Return To Sleepaway Camp. I like it. I like it a lot. It reminds me of the poster for Friday The 13th. The only thing that bothers me is the weird capitalization of the word "mean." It looks out of place. Either capitalize everything, or capitalize "Kids" and leave the rest.

As is the tradition with Sleepaway Camp films, the film opens with a credits sequence featuring a shitty metal song that is probably playing in a Hot Topic near you as we speak, per se. The credits play out over newspaper clippings that basically recap the first movie for you. Apparently, this movie is going to pull a Halloween H20 on us and pretend that the last two sequels never happened. That kind of makes me want to cry, knowing that Death By Toilet never occurred. *Sniff*

Well, anyway. According to those clippings, our setting for slasher terror this time is the idyllic Camp Manabe, where a cabin full of 13 year old boys are currently lighting their farts on fire. Charming. As they are giggling over this, a boy named Alan comes out of the bathroom and demands to know what's so effing funny. Now, this isn't just any boy. This is a sweaty beast of a boy who appears to have not bathed in at least six months. Seriously, his hair is filthy, and there's huge greasy stains on his shirt and everything. Behold the disgustingness:
Since you undoubtedly now feel like you need a shower, I'll wait. I'll wait right here for you to come back.

*Humming "Wake Me up Before You Go-Go" and filing nails*

All done? Good. Now, Alan demands to be given a turn at creating Fart Fire. He is made fun of for being gross and lights some aerosol in retaliation, which gets him in trouble with Randy, the British counselor. Alan doesn't like being told what to do, so he hurls some choice insults at Randy before running out the door, including calling him a "big penis" and informing him that his ass stinks. His words, not mine. Randy mutters that he'll show that little jackass what's what one of these days.

In the mess hall the next day, Alan (still wearing the disgusting greasy shirt from the night before, eeew) hurls some kind of food stuff at one of the boys for no reason. Randy remarks that if Alan wasn't such a "wanker," maybe his brother wouldn't be moving in on his girlfriend. We follow Randy's gaze to a neighboring table, Alan's crush, Karen, is being talked up by Alan's brother. Everybody at the table has a good laugh at Alan's expense.
Presently, the camp owner gets up and, with the help of another counselor, gets everybody's attention. He announces that a police officer is here to speak to them about the dangers of smoking. The police officer, speaking through a voice box thingy, tells the sad story of how he smoked for 30 years and lost his voice due to cancer, and all the campers find this riotously funny. They laugh like hyenas for a few minutes to show us what big asshats they are.

Back at Randy's table, Alan is bitching that the camp food is gross and that he refuses to eat it. Randy is all "Tough, eat it anyhow." Alan still refuses, and Randy gets pissed and shoves Alan's head into his plate, yelling at him to "Eat the fucking chicken." Wow. Alan is an ass-cozy and all, but...that's just asking for a lawsuit, man. Anyway, when Alan still refuses to eat the chicken, Randy throws the plate onto the floor, and shoves Alan onto the floor as well, commanding him to clean it up. Lawsuits, lawsuits, let's watch the potential lawsuits pile up. Randy and Alan are about to beat the crap out of each other, when somebody intervenes. Who is it?
Hey, it's Ronnie (aka Short Shorts) from the first movie! What a surprise! Short Shorts takes Alan aside and calmly requests that he refrain from being a turd. Alan puts on a pleasant facade and agrees, only to pull a girl's pigtails when Short Shorts isn't looking. A chick named Bella, who is made of sass and attitude (hereby referred to as sassitude), trips Alan and is all "Your face looks like my ass!" HAHAHAHAHAHA. I like Bella. Like Angela twenty years before him, Alan is given the Special Snowflake treatment and is sent to the kitchen to get something special to eat. Here we meet Charlie the chef. But I'm just gonna call him Chef. I think the following visual aid expresses my reason for that.

Chef is quitting for the day, but tells Alan that his assistant Mickey will take care of him. Mickey will do no such thing, and yells at Alan to get the hell out of the ice cream freezer. Naturally, Alan helps himself to ice cream anyway. By the way, his shirt has gotten REALLY gross over the course of the day. The grease stains are multiplying. EEEW EEEEW EEEEW. Anyway, Mickey gets pissed over that and starts throwing eggs at Alan. Alan throws knives at Mickey. Short Shorts, the camp owner, and a counselor named Petey put a stop to these shenanigans, and Alan runs off.

Michael, Alan's brother, has been sent to go fetch him, so he chases Alan until they end up in the woods. Alan sits down and starts playing with some frogs, and is all "The frogs are my friends." LMAO. It is revealed that Alan is an asshole because of a fever he had as a child. It is also revealed that Michael is really Alan's stepbrother, not that it has any bearing on the plot. Michael kicks some frogs just to piss Alan off, and Alan pulls a knife on him and is all "Go away."

So later, Mickey is in the kitchen by himself, picking his nose and preparing hamburgers and fries for his dinner. Presently, a pair of feet advance upon him and somebody pounces, lifting Mickey up and holding him aloft over the vat of french fry oil. This mysterious somebody listens to Mickey's pleading for a few minutes before awesomely dropping him face first into the oil. (Body Count: 1) If this kill sounds familiar, that's because it pretty much copies the first kill in Part 1. So, brownie points for that. Mystery Killer then tosses his burnt ass into a trash compacter, much like what was done to Milkshake in Part 3.

Later on, Chef and Short-Shorts go to Frank the camp owner and bitch that they told Mickey to take the damn trash out hours ago and it's still there, and now there's rats by the trash compacter. Frank's like "Fire him," and goes back to petting his pet parrot, Matilda. An awful lot of emphasis is placed on Matilda, which leads me to believe that something non-PETA approved is going to happen to her later.

Hey, there's a party going on in the rec hall! Just like in the first movie. Seriously, there's even a kid sitting on a bench eating a candy bar, exactly like Angela did in Part 1. If they could have done so, the filmmakers would have erected a huge flashing neon sign in the corner of the screen that says "LOOK AT THE PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS MOVIE AND THE ORIGINAL! AREN'T THEY GREAT?" Yeah, they're ok. Just ok.
Anyways, YAY PARTY! Alan comes strutting out in all his disgusting glory (his grease stained shirt has gotten still greasier and it's kind of starting to make me ill...you KNOW this kids smells like B.O., and possibly worse) and acts like a complete douche. He saunters up to Karen and tries to act all cool around her, which is kind of pathetic, and she's all "You smell!" Hahahaha. Then Alan withstands a bevy of physical abuse from his fellow campers until an all-out brawl has broken out. Unfortunately, the brawl is broken up by Frank and that Petey girl. Petey is shown to be the one counselor in the camp who is somewhat sympathetic to Alan, since she does acknowledge that the other campers actually started the fight.

Alan makes his way behind the rec hall's stage, where two guys are smoking weed. After a misunderstanding where they refer to a joint as "a fatty" and Alan almost gets pissed until he realizes they weren't talking about him (*Snort*), they offer him a joint. He starts smoking it and collapses from how disgusting it is. It's not a real joint, see, for instead of pot, it is filled with cow poo. Since Alan has never tried it before, he doesn't know any better and keeps saying "Yeah, this stuff is awesome!" between his gasps for clean air. And this movie has officially made me nauseous. Yet another brawl breaks out when Alan finds out, and once again it's broken up by Petey.

Later that night, the two stoner guys and their girlfriends are out in back of a cabin smoking and carelessly tossing their butts next to gasoline cans. Both girls and one stoner guy leave, leaving the other stoner all by his lonesome outside. Do you know what it's time for? No, not a sexy party. It's time for another kill! And a pretty awesome one, too. A mysterious somebody approaches Stoner Guy and ties him to his own chair. Then, a hose is attached to a gasoline can, and gasoline is pumped into Stoner's mouth. When that is finished, a piece of tape emblazoned with the words "Drugs are for Dummies" is pasted across Stoner's mouth with a single hole in it. In this hole is placed a cigarette, which is then lit. Body Count: 2
As the charred remains of the body are being cleaned up, Ronnie and Frank and Officer Voice Box discuss the tragic turn of events. Ronnie is like "Angela must be back!" and for the benefit of Officer VB, we are given the whole "Angela was really a dude who killed campers 20 years ago" back story. Frank disregards this theory as a load of codswallop and is all "Do NOT discuss this Angela person!"

Next day, Alan pesters Karen until she finally agrees to meet him later in his secret hiding place in the woods, where all the frogs are. Following that small triumph, Alan is continually shot at close range with paintball guns, adding a rainbow of paint stains to his already nasty, grease-filled shirt. I can hardly stand to look at the boy anymore, that's how disgusting his shirt has become. Meanwhile, that police officer has paid a visit to none other than Angela's cousin Ricky. He tells Ricky about the death of Stoner Boy and implies that it might be connected to the Great Camp Arawak Massacre of 1983. Ricky takes offense to that and is all "But she's been locked up in the nut house for 20 years and I see her every few weeks" and Police Officer is all "You mean him." HAHA. Anyway, Ricky is like "Screw off" and Police Officer drives away looking thoughtful behind the sunglasses that are permanently attached to his face.
So, back to Alan. As she promised, Karen meets him in his secret hideaway, only to haul ass out of there when she sees a bunch of dead skinned frogs lying around. Turns out that two of Karen's guy friends did the skinning both for the purpose of embarrassing Alan in front of her, and to just plain piss him off since he regards the frogs as friends. Alan runs after Karen to tell her he didn't kill the frogs, and they wind up on the pier during Free Swim. Karen is all "Get AWAY from me, freak" and every counselor comes to her defense. Randy takes that a step further and encourages some campers to give Alan a wedgie and then throw him in the water. (Hey, I got a great idea. Let's drink every time homage is paid to a scene from the first movie!) Unlike with Angela, I can't say I have any sympathy for Alan being tossed in the lake, because at least his shirt got cleaned a little in the process. THANK YOU. Petey, who is fast becoming this movie's answer to Ricky, assists Alan out of the water and tells off the counselors.

That night, another trick is played on Alan (Karen lures him behind the rec hall stage so that her guy friends can strip off all his clothes and then shove him out on the stage, where Alan is caught wearing nothing but undies). While this was mean of them, at least he's no longer wearing that nasty shirt. So, you know, whatever.

Once again, Petey saves the day. She and Ronnie take Alan back to his bunk (and put a clean shirt on him, I notice). After Alan falls asleep, Ronnie starts looking at Petey thoughtfully before absolutely losing his shit and demanding to know who Petey REALLY is, because it's awfully suspicious that she's constantly right there to save Alan's butt. Ronnie believes that Petey is Angela in disguise and is screaming at her when Police Officer interrupts the scene, with Frank hot on his heels. Ronnie starts babbling to them that Petey is Angela and needs to be stopped before she kills again. Frank is like "I told you to shut up about that crap." During this argument, a bunch of boys gather outside and start chanting obscene things, which wakes Alan up. Alan snaps and run off into the woods, which nobody seems to care about.

To be honest, this movie is kind of starting to bore me. Luckily, it is now time for another kill. Sweet. The victim this time is Frank. Our mysterious somebody removes Matilda from her cage, which causes the bird to squawk. Frank emerges to see what the bird's problem is and gets whacked on the head. When he wakes up, he finds that he is tied to a chair, with Matilda's cage placed over his head. The killer advances on him with a bag full of something that is moving and he/she hits the bag to make sure whatever is in there is also pissed. They then empty the contents of the bag, which turns out to be rats, into the cage to share space with Frank's head. Body Count: 3
As a special treat, we're gonna be given another kill scene. Randy and his girlfriend Linda are in the woods in order to get down and dirty. However, they forgot their sleeping bag, and, like a real gentleman, Randy orders Linda to go fetch it while he takes a piss. Such chivalry. *Eye roll* As Randy is getting his business done, our Mysterious Killer ties him to a tree. Randy assumes it's his girlfriend, as is the horror cliche. So he isn't really upset about the tying. He does, however, start to protest when a piece of sharp wire is tied around his junk. Linda hears his screams and is all "You're on your own, I ain't waiting around to be killed with you." So she hops into the Jeep and speeds off. Unfortunately for Randy, the other piece of the wire is attached to the car. As Linda speeds away, Randy's penis pops right the hell off. Seriously, it POPS. RIGHT. OFF. With an actual "Pop" sound and everything. It's hilarious. I think we can assume he died of massive blood loss, even though it isn't shown. So, Body Count: 4. Don't worry, the killer didn't forget about Linda. They set up a nice piece of barbed wire for her to run into while she speeds out of the woods. Body Count: 5

Moving right along, a boy alone in his cabin is looking at a dirty magazine when a sharpened broomstick pops up through a hole in the floor and nearly misses his head. Naturally, he decides to put his eye right up close to the hole, which is always a smart thing to do in a horror movie. Needless to say, the broomstick comes right back up and impales the kid right through the head. Body Count: 6. In the midst of all these happenings, Ronnie discovers Frank's body, which is all the proof he needs that he was right and Angela has returned. Or has she? Nobody knows.

As if the movie has realized that it's practically over and not enough kills have occurred, the kill scenes just keep on coming like Pez candy. The next victim is Bella, the awesome girl with the sassitude from earlier in the movie. Bella enters her cabin to find it empty, and flops down on her bottom bunk. She turns onto her back to see that the bottom of the bunk above her has been riddled with sharp nails. Before she has much time to ponder why there's so many nails pointing at her face, Mysterious Killer throws him or herself upon the top bunk with all their might, breaking it and effectively driving every last nail into Bella. Body Count: 7, and I have to say, I'm sorry to see Bella go. I enjoyed her sassitude.

Now that bodies are starting to be discovered, Ronnie is on a mission to track down Petey, whom he is still convinced is Angela in disguise. Campers gather around him and insist that Alan is the killer, since everybody who has been discovered dead so far had been a total jackass to him and he hasn't been seen since he ran off earlier. Police Officer Dude appears and tells everybody to shut the fuck up, as they are not helping by causing more commotion. Cousin Ricky suddenly shows up, and asks Police Officer why the hell he asked him to come here. Police Officer is all "I didn't" and says that somebody must have pretended to be him and asked Ricky to come. Finally, it is decided that Police Officer will search for Alan on one end of the camp and Ronnie and Ricky will search on the other. Everybody disperses.
Meanwhile, Karen is running like a maniac through the woods, because she has discovered Bella's body, is convinced that Alan is responsible, and believes she will be killed next. She runs and runs until she is knocked out by the killer. She comes to and discovers that her neck is tied to the basketball hoop in the rec hall. She is slowly hoisted upward and is about to be hung when Alan's stepbrother Michael and Police Officer Dude come rushing in and stop the rope from being hoisted any further. Karen is hysterical and is all 'It's ALAN!!! HE DID IT!"
Speaking of Alan, the movie now shows us that he's sitting in his secret hiding place, crying over his dead frogs. Michael suddenly shows up, ready to kick his ass. He beats the crap out of Alan before being interrupted by a Mysterious Somebody. Fade to black.

Ronnie and Ricky are still searching for Alan and eventually wander into his secret hiding spot. They find Alan beaten but concious, and then look around some more. They are quite shocked by what meets their eyes, although I am not, because I saw it coming from the beginning of the movie.

We see a pair of feet walking slowly towards Ronnie and Ricky, and the distinctive robotic sound of a voice being filtered through an artificial voice box, saying that the dead people were mean and deserved their fates. We also see various things being tossed onto the ground as the feet walk, such as a fake mustache, a wig, and a rubber nose. Finally, the voice box is thrown onto the ground, and the normal voice of Angela informs them that Michael has been skinned alive, made to suffer the same fate as the frogs. Cool. Body Count: 8 The movie ends with an awesome shot of Angela laughing maniacally before giving us in the audience the Icy Glare of Death.
See?

Well, there you have it. We have officially covered every last Sleepaway Camp film there is. Hasn't it been awesome? Stay tuned for next time, when I recap...well...something. I haven't decided yet.

"Have A Nice Life...What's Left Of It," or Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

After two months of being, frankly, too damn tired to blog anything, we are FINALLY continuing our Sleepaway Camp posting bonanza. I present to you Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Such wonders as bad wigs, stupid one liners, campers with the IQ of a french fry, and 80s teenage punk bad-assery await you. Let's start, as always, with the poster:
Well. At least they're up front about what you can expect from this masterpiece of a film. Moving on to the movie itself...

NOTE: As was the case with Sleepaway Camp 2, I am reviewing this movie from the crappiest of DVD transfers from the $5 bin. Lucky me.

We open on a teenage girl waking up and getting ready to go to summer camp while arguing with her offscreen mother. The first thing she does is take off her shirt (of course) and the camera lingers on her nonexistent boobs for, like, 5 minutes. Long enough for us to notice that she has the word "Milk" tattooed on one booby and the word "Shake" on the other. Hilarious. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right... Sorry.

Anyhoodle, she starts a-walkin' to the bus stop with her little duffel bag in hand, all excited about camp and stuff. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a big old Mack truck. A Mack truck with a mission. A mission to kill Milkshake here. Three guesses who's behind the wheel. The truck chases Milkshake into an alley and runs her ass over. (Body Count: 1) Next thing you know, Milkshake is being dragged and stuffed into the nearest trash compacter by...ANGELA. She's baaaaaaack! And she's dressed exactly like Milkshake, right down to the hair. That's right. Gone are Angela's curly brown locks from Part 2. Instead she's wearing a wig that looks like....well...I'll just let the wig speak for itself.
I know, right? It's like it's looking into your soul. Anyway...

Angela dons some bitchin' shades (see above) and boards the bus to Camp New Horizons. As the bus pulls away, some wall graffiti is revealed that says, with gusto, "Angela is Back!" Indeed she is. Indeed she is. And with that, the opening credits start rolling. Unlike with the crappy DVD of Sleepaway Camp 2, I can actually hear the music over the credits this time. And I have to say, I'm not impressed. You crazy 80s punk kids and your heavy metal. Get off of my lawn.

Cut to a news reporter lady providing us with exposition as she interviews the owners of Camp New Horizons, husband and wife Herman and Lily (tee-hee), who happily explain that the purpose of the camp is to mix together snobby rich kids with hardened children of the street and watch how they work together in peace and harmony. Right. Let me know how that works out for ya. We then are introduced to some of the snobby rich kids in their clean-cut Growing Pains clothes. Here we meet queen bitch Cindy, full of himself Greg, Madonna-wannabe Jan, hopeless nerd Peter, jock asshole Bobby, and goody two shoes Marcia. Do those names sound familiar? Well they should.
This naming scheme is even more amusing than the Brat pack theme in Part 2. Now we meet the charity case poor kids, who are mostly dressed all in black with plenty of metal doo-dads to indicate how punk they are. Arab, Snowboy, Anita, Riff, Tony, aaaaand...Angela. But she's pretending her name is Maria. Shhhhhhh.

Because no Sleepaway Camp film would be complete without them spelling out who the resident bitch is right up front, Marcia (who is set up to be our most likely Final Girl) confides to Cindy that she thinks Tony is cute and Cindy is all "But...he's Mexican!" in her snottiest voice. Wow. Such racist bitchery so early in the morning. The news reporter lady continues her coverage by explaining to us that Camp New Horizons is nothing more than Camp Rolling Hills from Part 2 with a new name slapped on it, and Lily is like "OMG you promised you wouldn't mention the murders from the last movie!" and the news reporter is all "Tough nuggets, I just did."
News reporter lady, having fulfilled her purpose by giving us the appropriate back story we need to continue with the movie, now saunters up to Angela and tells her she looks way older than the rest of the campers. SHENANIGANS, I say. Every last camper looks at least 25 years old. Angels fits right in. But Angela tells her that she looks older because of drugs. And the news reporter asks her where she can get some coke and Angela is all "Yeah, there's a machine in the dining hall!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Angela. Don't you ever change. The reporter is like "That's not what I meant, idiot" and pleads with Angela to sell her a gram to calm her nerves. Raise your hand if you think news reporter lady is gonna end up being the next victim. Me too.

"One of the many dangers of being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is pure," Angela chirps to herself as she fills a plastic bag with powdered Clorox, which she then hands over to news reporter lady, who then drives her car into a clearing, snorts the Clorox, and keels over on the spot. Body Count: 2 Drugs are bad, mm'kay?

Back at the camp mess hall, Lily cheerily explains to the groaning campers that for the next three days they will be split into three groups and be camping out in the woods. While she is answering stupid questions like "Do the boys get to sleep with the girls?" and 'Whaddya MEAN we have to camp out????" her husband is jostling his junk up and down to impress Jan, who I guess will be our resident camp whore. Why his wife doesn't notice (since she's only like 10 feet away) I'll never know. Anyway, Lily asks if anyone knows the Happy Camper Song. Oh God, yes. Angela jumps out of her seat like a little kid and is all "I DO!!!!!"

Hahahahahaha, adorable. Unfortunately, the Happy Camper Song is not sung (damn it all) because it's at this moment that the third counselor, Barney, arrives. And his arrival makes Angela mighty uncomfortable, for reasons that will be explained elsewhere in the film. For now, Barney lets us know he is a cop and asserts his authori-TAH by breaking up a knife fight between Tony and Riff, because knife fights are bound to happen when you put a bunch of hardened street hoodlums in one place.

In the girls' cabin, Jan and Arab give the teenage boys in the audience what they came here for by showing off their boobs as they change into their rockin' Camp New Horizons shirts. They also make fun of Angela for being so square as to wear a bra while she changes into her shirt. Then all the girls except Angela go and talk about how they hate being at summer camp, especially one in which people were murdered. Boo hoo.

Now that everybody is sporting the stylish camp shirts, they are divided into their little groups and disperse to do some camping out. Barney's group gets all excited that they get to eat wieners for dinner. Giggity. As the hot dog excitement dies down, Barney provides us with the reason Angela is uncomfortable in his presence: his son was Sean from Part 2. The one who got his decapitated head stuffed into a television set by Angela. And Barney is here at the newly reopened camp to make damn sure nobody else ends up dead. Methinks he will be less than successful. Meanwhile...

Herman's group, of which Angela is a part, is being made to go fishing. Everybody but Angela bitches about this, but they all go anyway. Except for Herman. And Jan. They stay behind in a tent. Can you guess where this is going? If you said an awkwardly staged sex scene, then you win imaginary money. But first, we look in on how the fishing is coming along. Angela, Snowboy, and Peter are fishing their hearts out, despite the fact that the boys are still bitching about it. Angela brings her fishing pole out of the water and a Jason mask is attached to the end of it.
Peter thinks he's funny and lights a firework inside a fish, and Angela screams her ass off. Damn, Angela. What's with the wimpitude? You're a badass murderous bitch! Get with the program.

And now we join this sex scene already in progress. As Herman and Jan get busy in the tent, a pair of feet slowly advance toward them, and then Angela pokes her head into the tent and gives them a disapproving glare. So Herman gets out to explain himself and gets whacked on the head as soon as he leaves the tent. Then he runs around in his long johns while Angela continues to give him a beat down with a blunt stick.

I'm going to pause here for a second and muse. I assume this is supposed to be a summer camp. Meant to be in operation during the SUMMER months. And yet, not only are there colorful leaves all over the ground, but everybody is wearing jackets and such, and now Herman is donning long johns. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was the fall. So, either this is some weird-ass camp that is in operation during the fall, or this thing had to be filmed during the fall, the cast were allowed to wear cold weather clothing to be comfortable, and the film makers hoped nobody would notice. I'm gonna go with the second explanation because it makes me smile. And now back to your regularly scheduled murder.

Angela has impaled Herman with her beat-down stick (Body Count: 3), and Jan starts screaming her head off. Angela quickly silences her with a well placed blow to the head (Body Count: 4). As she shoves Jan's body into the tent, Angela deadpans "Good thing you're dead, because in a couple years, your breasts would have been sagging." Snap, Angela. Snap. Back at her campsite, Angela is trying her best to start a fire to cook some fish, only for exasperation to fill her little heart as Peter tosses a rock at her and Snowboy graffitis her tent. Put them on your shit list, Angela. Send them HOME, I say.
Barney's group has finished their weenie roast, and Marcia has to go to the bathroom. Tony is ordered to accompany her. As they are striking up a conversation (and an adorable little budding romance), they hear noises in the woods and freak the fuck out, only to discover the noises were made by a raccoon. Ah, horror cliches. How we adore thee.

Fed up with Snowboy and Peter's shenanigans, Angela has decided the time has come to send them home. She awesomely lights a firecracker in Snowboy's face AND hits him bluntly in the head, tosses his body into Peter's tent, and torches the tent. (Body Count: 6) Now THAT's what I call efficient murderage. The best part is when Angela calmly slides some marshmallows into a stick to roast on the tent's flame. This is why Angela is awesome, yall. Moments like that.


The next morning we look in on Lily's group, which we haven't seen at all since the groups were formed the previous day. Angela descends upon them and feeds Lily some bullshit story about how Herman said she's supposed to switch places with Arab. Once she has Arab back at the empty campsite, Angela shoves her into a tent and then axes her to death. (Body Count: 7) Angela is totally slipping into unoriginality in this movie. I mean, come on. Axes and sticks and fire? Is that the best you can do, Angela? Any old serial killer can do that shit. Where are your awesome kills, like the death by toilet in Part 2 or the boiling water in Part 1? Get it together, Angela. Give us an exciting kill. Seriously.

Well anyway, Angela rejoins Lily's group, which is sitting in a circle doing Sharing and Caring. Yay! Lily asks Angela what her favorite movie is and Angela says E.T. Aaaaw. Bobby says his favorite is Rambo 3. Eeesh. Cindy declares she enjoys movies with great acting, "like Gone With The Wind. Or Care Bears." I think blood just started pouring from my eyes. After that earth shattering statement, Cindy bitches about Riff always playing his damn rap music, because rap offends her delicate ears. Riff counters that rap is better than country, and Cindy retorts that country is way better than rap, and I really wish Angela would kill the both of them right now so they'd shut the fuck up. Then Cindy spews a racial slur at Riff, who loses his shit and goes to let her have it. Lily is all "Stop it" and the both of them storm off to sulk. Angela pours herself some coffee and is all 'Siiiiiigh'.
Let's see how the morning is going for Barney's group. Anita asks Barney what ever happened to this Angela Baker chick everybody keeps talking about. Barney is like "Dunno" and explains that the only pictures that exist of Angela are from when she still looked like Felissa Rose, and that her juvenile records were destroyed when she turned 18, and that now the only thing people have to go on is descriptions of her. Ok. I'll buy it. Barney declares he'll kill her if he ever encounters her. Good luck with that, dude. I still have one more sequel left to blog.

Back at Lily's group, it's time for trust exercises. Everyone is split into pairs, one person is blindfolded, and their partner leads them around. I had to do that in my theatre classes in high school, and I always thought it was fun because I'm weird like that. Anyway, Angela has been paired with Cindy, who bossily orders Angela to be the first to wear the blindfold. So, Cindy leads Angela around and continues to bitch about Riff, and Angela is like 'Whatevs." Then they stop because Cindy has to take a smoke break. The final nail in Cindy's coffin is when she puts a slug on Angela's shoulder. Angela has had enough of this bitch and demands the blindfold be taken off, it's CINDY'S turn to be led around.

Angela leads her to a flagpole. This could be interesting. She asks Cindy some questions and learns that she is a drug taking, non-virgin cheerleader. Well, that simply won't do. She hooks Cindy's belt up to the flag string and begins to raise her up to the top. Why, I think we're about to have the first interesting death since the Clorox snort. I'm right. Once Cindy is at the tippity top, Angela lets go of the string and Cindy goes splat. Body Count: 8

Back at the campsite, Lily orders Angela around like Cinderella. Go take the garbage out, go fetch me some bug spray, make the fire, fix the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the moppin'....sorry. You can tell Angela is cheesed by this but she goes with the flow for now. She makes her way up to a cabin to get the bug spray and stuff and has flashbacks of singing the Happy Camper Song in Part 2, only she imagines that everybody cheered for her. She even adds, in her best Sally Field impression, "You like me! You really like me!" Poor Angela. All she wants is acceptance. Is that so much to ask? Well, IS IT????

Angela returns to the campsite, her chores completed, only to discover that she's being sent on another trust exercise, with Bobby this time. They are to catch fish while tied together, which sounds like it would be extremely inefficient. Bobby seals his gory fate by practically jumping Angela's bones, and she's all "Oh HELL naw." But she plays along and instructs him to meet her later. They return to the campsite, where Angela kindly asks Riff to clean the fish they caught, only to get a gun pointed in her face. I think we can safely assume Riff is doomed as well. Angela's gonna be a busy bee tonight.

Meanwhile, Marcia and Tony are in the woods engaging in their blindfolded trust exercise. They sit down to have a heart-to-heart and Marcia is like "Are you in a GANG?" And of course Tony is in a gang, and Marcia is all excited and is like "OMG REALLY???" They start to get it on, but before things progress Marcia gets all 80's PSA on us and hands Tony a condom. How subliminal.

Back to Angela and her dastardly deeds. Now with three more victims she needs to cross off her list, she decides to start with Lily. She convinces Lily to accompany her on a "trust exercise." This should be fun. Angela wastes no time in tossing Lily in a pit of garbage and burying her alive. WHILE SINGING THE HAPPY CAMPER SONG. It doesn't get much better than that. When Lily is completely buried except for her head, Angela piles on the piece de resistance by running over said head with a lawnmower. (Body Count: 9) That's my girl. I think Angela has finally gotten her creative groove back.
Bobby is next, and his death is slightly less interesting than Lily's, but still pretty sweet. Under the guise of some sexiful bondage play, Angela ties him and his acid wash jeans to a tree, ties the other end of the rope to a car, and starts drivin'. Cue death scream, aaaaand scene. (Body Count: 10)

Cut to Riff in his tent, grooving to his rap music. Angela reaches into his tent and tosses him a cassette tape. Upon inserting the tape into his boombox, Riff hears perhaps the worst rap in the history of all rap. I speak, of course, about Angela's rap about how she's about to kill him. Actually, to call it a rap is kind of a stretch. She sounds more like a bored cheerleader practicing for the upcoming football game. In any case, while he's listening, mouth agape at the awfulness of her rap skills, Angela collapses his tent on him and starts beating him to death with her beat-down mallet. Then she pounds a tent stake into his flesh. Body Count: 11

Angela has now single-handedly taken down two of the three groups, and she sees no reason to stop now. She makes her way over to Barney's group and feeds them the same "I'm supposed to switch" crap as before. She picks Marcia as her intended victim, since she saw her making out with Tony on her way over. Unfortunately, Barney throws a wrench into her plan by insisting on accompanying the girls and supervising the switch, like a responsible counseler. Obviously, this won't do. Angela will have to formulate a Plan B.

Angela pretends to sprain her ankle in order to get Marcia and Barney into the mess hall, where she complains to Barney that Herman is a perv and Lily is lazy. Marcia wanders outside to make fun of Lily for her laziness, and discovers the wreckage from the Lawnmower Of Atrocity. She screams, Barney comes running, and screams at Marcia to run the fuck away when he sees the carnage. For he has discovered Angela's identity, and the time has come to exact his revenge. So he gets all Dirty Harry on Angela and delivers a great monologue, only for Angela to pull out a gun and kill him right there on the spot.
Well. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't rather disappointing. Body Count: 12

With Marcia still on the lam, Angela hops into her trusty beige Jeep and eventually catches up with her, whisking her off to parts unknown. Meanwhile, the only three surviving campers (Anita, Greg, and Tony, of course) are sitting around wondering where exactly Marcia and Angela have gone. Speak of the devil, Angela suddenly appears as if by Slasher Magic. They allow her to tie them up under the guise of "We're gonna play a trust game because Barney said so." God, these kids will believe anything you tell them, won't they? Anyway, after she has them all tied up, she spectacularly reveals Barney's dead corpse to them.

Angela explains to the Three Musketeers that the object of the game they're now playing against their will is to find Marcia, who is in one of three cabins. And if they run away, don't find her, or open a can of whoop-ass on Angela, they will be killed. Sweet. On that happy note, they haul ass to track down Marcia. They succeed with 7 seconds to spare, but Anita and Greg are killed...in...some way. I wasn't really paying attention there. (Body Count: 14) But Marcia and Tony are still alive, and Angela congratulates them on winning and gives them directions to the nearest pay phone. What a darling.
Marcia is all "Bitch, you did NOT just put me through all this shit and expect to get away with it" and goes after Angela with all the rage of an angry cobra. They have a cat fight and Marcia stabs the shit out of Angela, who gasps some death rattles and is seemingly down for the count. As Marcia and Tony are recovering from their ordeal in a police cruiser, Tony is happily planning their future and shit and Marcia drops a bomb with "I already have a boyfriend." SNAP. Also, WHORE. Forget that skank, Tony. You can do better.

In the ambulance, Angela is still alive and two paramedics are debating whether or not to just kill her and put an end to her reign of cheese-tastic terror. Angela puts an end to them. Body Count: 16. Roll credits.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the masterpiece known as Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Check back next time when we recap the very last sequel, Return To Sleepaway Camp. Which is a Very Special Sequel for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Felissa Rose makes an awesome return. Stay tuned for that.