"Miiiicaaaaaah!" or Paranormal Activity (2009)

Well hell, this recap is damn late. Fun fact: I started writing this in January right before getting the mother of all flu viruses and being pretty much confined to bed for 3 weeks. Know what there is to do when you don't have the energy to leave your bed? Nothing. Nothing but watch Lifetime movies set the women's movement back 100 years. But anyway...
Paranormal Activity. The Blair Witch Project of the new millennium. Is it scary? Yes, the first time you see it. Does it hold up well after multiple viewings? Sort of. Do its flaws stand out like a clown in church after it's been played five hundred times on cable and you keep it on as background noise while you work? Hell yes. I've absolutely been itching to recap this one for quite awhile. Now that it's been out for awhile, the sequel has just hit DVD, and the second sequel is arriving in theaters this fall, I think enough people have seen it so that a good recap can be appreciated by everybody.

So, Paranormal Activity is the story of Micah and Katie, a young couple in what I assume is their early 20s, who have oodles of time to hang around in their multi-million dollar mansion all day. So, right away we're heading onto the last train to Suspended Disbeliefville, population 2, even before the ghostly stuff starts. The movie explains this away by saying that Micah is a day trader, despite spending a grand total of 2 minutes of screen time actually "working". He must make most of his money by being a full time asshole, as will be evidenced by his behavior throughout this entire movie. Katie is a student majoring in Never Going To Class Ever. The movie opens by informing you that they're both already dead and that this movie is home video footage that was found in their house. Thanks for killing the suspense in less than 2 seconds, title card!

Cut to Katie arriving home (probably NOT from class) in her Nice Ass Car™ and asking Micah how much money he spent on the top of the line video camera he is currently shoving in her face. Micah replies that he spent half of all the money he made that day. Holy. Shit. Where do I apply for that job? Anyway. The purpose of the camera is for them to document the paranormal activity (see what I did there?) that has been plaguing them in the house for the past few weeks. Micah makes the obligatory douchey jokes about the camera going in the bedroom and talks to it as if it were a child, and I gleefully start the countdown to his death. He and Katie hang out for a bit and she hears a creepy noise that turns out to be the ice maker. Totally scary!
Before they go to bed that night, they set up the camera on a tripod across from their bed to capture the magic, as it were. They sleep with their bedroom door open, which I find really odd, as nobody I know who is over the age of 10 does that. Anyhoodle, this begins night numero uno. The footage fast forwards a few hours to 2 a.m., when a loud rumbling noise can now be heard inside the bedroom. Something rattles downstairs a few seconds later. That's it. Are we shaking in our boots yet? The next morning, Katie heads downstairs to make breakfast for her man and discovers her car keys have been tossed onto the kitchen floor, which she accuses Micah of doing. Really? Do you know many people who make it a habit to randomly toss others' belongings on the floor, Katie? Because if you do, it may be time to make some new friends.

Aaaaaaanyway, Katie has made an appointment for a psychic to stop by the house today and give her his opinion about what may be going on in the house, and he is late. Micah, being a smartass, makes a crack about how a psychic should be able to predict traffic jams and leave earlier. Then he makes the same lame joke when the psychic shows up. Shut up, Micah. Just shut your stupid mouth. Basically, this whole scene with the psychic exists to shove exposition down our throats. We learn that Katie used to experience ghostly happenings as a kid before her childhood home was destroyed by a fire. Then she gives him a tour of the house and explains the various scratchings, whispers, and creakings that have been going on lately. The psychic concludes that this is all probably demon activity because it's been following her since childhood, that the video camera is most likely pissing it off, and that he doesn't deal with this shit. He gives her the phone number of a demonologist before peacing out. Micah, being an asshole, forbids Katie to call the demonologist, because what does it say about the size of his manhood if he can't control a damn demon infestation in his own house? Micah aint afraid of no ghosts. Er...demons. Whatever.
That night, the video camera captures their bedroom door swinging back and forth. Yay. Micah reviews the footage the next morning and asks Katie if she can do something to make the demon come back, apparently ignoring the part where Katie says that it scares her and she doesn't want to. Later, he hears her scream bloody murder while he's jamming on his guitar, but he makes sure to take the time to grab the camera before running to see what's going on. Micah, I hate you. So very much. Anyway, this turns out to be a false scare, because Katie just saw a spider in the bathroom. Continuing his mission to the biggest tool who ever lived, Micah crows on and on that night about how fuck-awesome it is that he's captured rare demon activity on film, while Katie is all "Great, but it's after ME you dipshit," and pleads with him to promise that he'll knock off the video camera shit if the activity gets any worse, which he agrees to. Yeah, right. I believe your word like I believe in the Easter Bunny, Micah.

The movie now skips ahead to Night #5, in which Katie does that stupid movie thing where someone has a nightmare and they wake up and immediately sit bolt upright in bed. Who the hell does that? Nobody, because it's physically impossible. Try it. Go lay down on your bed and try to quickly sit upright. Go on, I'll wait. It was difficult, right? Now imagine doing it when you're still half asleep. It can't be done. Anyway, then she and Micah hear a loud noise downstairs. I hope it's the demon screwing around with Micah's expensive computer equipment, preferably downloading porn from only the shadiest corners of the internet so that the hard drive becomes riddled with viruses that can only be removed by fire. Unfortunately, the next morning his computer is fine. Damn. He reviews the footage and suggests to Katie that maybe they should buy a Ouija board to communicate with the demon, because Micah is a stupid ass-waffle. Katie shoots this down and makes him promise that he won't do that.
Skipping ahead to Night #13, Micah notes that there has not been any significant demon activity in about a week. So naturally, he goes around the house calling out to the demon and saying shit like "You're worthless nyah nyah nyah." STFU, MICAH. DAMN. That's just going to piss it off again, you ass. Sure enough, that night they are awakened to the sound of a loud growl and a bang. They go downstairs and discover the chandelier swinging away. Good job, Micah. You douche. Katie once again asks him to please stop with the camera and he once again ignores her, telling her they NEED to document this and that it's fun. The eye-rolling. It is beginning to hurt.

On Night #15, the camera captures Katie getting out of bed, where she stands and stares down at Micah for 2 hours. This is probably not demonic activity as much as much as it is her thinking dark, murderous thoughts about what a douche nozzle he is. Then she leaves the room and sits outside on the porch swing in a trance for awhile before going back to bed with no recollection of what just happened. Naturally, when she sees the footage the next morning she's freaked out and really wants to call that demonologist, and Micah still won't let her. Micah needs a kick in the ass with a spiked boot, especially for what he does next, which is bring a Ouija board into the house. Katie, of course, is all "WTF, you promised you wouldn't," to which Micah replies calmly that he promised he wouldn't BUY a board, not that he wouldn't BORROW one. Really? REALLY? There are no words to adequately describe the amount of asswipery going on here. Katie is understandably pissed and storms out of the house, with Micah not far behind her, leaving the Ouija unattended in full view of the camera, which is when this happens:
When they get home, Micah has the balls of steel to ask Katie to help him decipher the message that is now burned into the board. She replies by kicking him out of the bedroom for the night. HAHAHA. Terrific. Teeerific. She lets him back in it only after making him swear (on camera) that he will never ever betray her trust again. Mmm-hmm. You still put faith in what that assclown says, Katie? You're a foolish kind of chick. Anyway, Micah is on his own as far as figuring out what the Ouija board is trying to tell him. My guess would be "Douchebag," but apparently it says "Diane." Hmmm. Who's Diane? Nobody knows. It's not important right now anyway, because Micah has come up with another stupid plan to try in place of calling the damn demonologist. *Siiigh* He's going to pour powder all over the floor upstairs and see if the demon leaves footprints. Um...this helps how, exactly? I fail to see how this whole situation is any better now that they know the demon has chicken feet.
Micah and Katie follow the chicken prints to the upstairs storage closet, where they discover that the attic door on the ceiling is ajar. Well. Chickens do have wings, you know. Micah goes up there and finds a picture of Katie at 8 years old, which is singed around the edges, which is very weird indeed, because all her childhood pictures were lost in that house fire we heard about earlier. Katie finally grows a pair and is all "Screw this, I'm calling the demonologist." And she does, ignoring Micah's whining in the background that they need to discuss it first. STFU, Micah. Unfortunately, the demonologist is out of town. Figures. Night falls yet again, and the demon steps it up a notch by making a bunch of loud bangs instead of just one like it usually does, concluding by slamming their bedroom door. Then it scratches the hell out of Micah's face in a photograph on the wall. Because the demon hates Micah as much as I do.
Since she was unable to reach the demonologist, Katie asks the same psychic guy from before to come back and help. He takes three steps inside the house and is all "I can't stay in here, the demon is pissed. Peace." Well, that was extremely unhelpful. Even more unhelpful is when Micah finally figures out that Diane of the Ouija board had all of the same stuff happen to her in the 60s that is happening to Katie now. That's very interesting, Micah, but it doesn't exactly help the situation, now does it? Skipping ahead to Night #20, Katie gets pulled out of bed by an unseen force and dragged downstairs. Shit's getting real now, so they make plans to leave the house for awhile. Before they can leave, however, Katie goes into another trance and is all "We should stay." Whatever you say.

So, Night #21. Katie repeats the whole "get out of bed, stare at Micah, leave the room" bit from earlier. This time, she screams from downstairs and Micah comes running (for once leaving the camera). A struggle is heard, and then footsteps come a-walkin' up the stairs slowly. And then suddenly, Micah's dead body is thrown quite forcefully at the camera. Hold on, I need to celebrate.
Ahem. Anyway, Katie comes walking into the room after the Great Corpse Toss, covered in Micah's blood, a sight which did bring a tear of joy to my eye. What? He should have let her call the damn demonologist when all this crap started happening. He got what he deserved. Possessed-By-The-Demon Katie smiles creepily, then lunges at the camera. A short written epilogue explains that Micah's body was found a few days later, and that nobody knows where Katie is. Roll credits.
And there you have it. If anyone has any suggestions for what I should recap next, I'm all ears.