"Meet Me By The Waterfront After The Social", or Sleepaway Camp (1983)

I know, I know, I suck. I realize my last (and first) snark was posted almost 6 months ago, but it's been crazyful around here. What with college and the holidays and some personal drama , and the fact that I am completely obsessed with The Sims 2, I haven't felt much like snarking. So what better way to get back in the swing than to snark the Sleepaway Camp films? That's right. You and me are going to cover the entire saga of 80s slasher god(dess) Angela Baker and her misadventures at one camp and another. I know you're excited. I am too. We shall start, of course, at the beginning, where all great stories must start. I'm talking about the first and best of the SC films, 1983's Sleepaway Camp.
This is the one with the "OMG TWIST ENDING", and if you've never seen this movie you should go away right now because I'm about to spoil it for you this second. Ready? Here goes...

ANGELA IS A DUDE!!!!!!

The reason I did that is because I will be constantly referencing the fact that she has junk throughout this snark. So, you ready to start? Me too.

We begin with ominous shots of the deserted Camp Arawak, which is shown as being for sale. Obviously, something evil has gone down here, since they're doing their best to make it look all scary and stuff. And with that, the story gets going.

A little boy and girl (guess which one is Little Angela!!) and their dad are out boating in the middle of the lake and having a grand old time, jokingly capsizing the boat and swimming around. Meanwhile, two dumbass teens are doing the same (minus the capsizing and swimming). The teen girl begs her boyfriend to let her drive the boat, and he lets her despite his reluctance. He was right to be uneasy, because the girl pays absolutely no attention to where the hell she's going and rams right into the little family's overturned boat (and the little family). Granted, the kids and Daddy all had ample opportunity to swim to safety because the speeding boat took forever to reach them and the shore was like two feet in front of them, but the point is, Dad and one child are dead, and the surviving child (THE BOY, YALL) has to go live with crazy Aunt Martha and her son Ricky.

I hope you didn't think I was kidding when I called Aunt Martha crazy. Woman is three fries short of a Happy Meal and constantly talks to herself in the middle of a conversation. Not only that...she's made this poor boy live as a chick named Angela for 8 years. But we're not supposed to know that yet. So, Angela and Cousin Ricky are now 13-ish and off to sleepaway camp. The big yellow bus pulls into the camp grounds full of laughing campers and authority figures wearing short shorts, and I can tell we're in for a fun 80 minutes.

Cousin Ricky shows Angela around the camp for a bit, pointing out all the sites that will be featured in kill scenes later. Foreshadow-rific. We then meet the requisite camp bitch, Judy. We know she's the bitch because the first time she shows her face to the camera, it's to give us a look of pure, icy bitchery.

She's also Angela's cabinmate, Ricky's former girlfriend, and the girl all the guys at camp are drooling over because she grew OMG BOOBS since last year. She will be the one making Angela's life hell all summer, as evidenced by her harrassing Angela for having the gall to sit quietly on the bed and stare into space. Meg, one of the cabin's head counselers, is also a beyotch about it. The only girl to be welcoming to Angela is the other counseler Suzy.

Three days later, Meg complains to Mr. Short Shorts in the cafeteria that Angela hasn't eaten nor uttered a single word since she arrived. Short Shorts is understanding and escorts Angela into the kitchen to see if theres anything there she would care to eat, which has Meg bitching about how much of a spoiled brat Angela is as soon as they leave. Bitch, you're the one who brought Angela's lack of eating to the staff's attention, not her. Anyways, Short Shorts leaves Angela in the hands of the pervy pedophile cook, who leads her into the walk-in pantry. He calls her a sweet cupcake and informs her that he's got something she's going to "Like reeeeal good." HAHA, she would probably give you a few surprises also, Perv (CUZ SHE'S A DUDE!). Luckily for all of us, Ricky walks in and foils Perv's plan.

Later, when Pervy McPervert is alone in the kitchen cooking, SOMEBODY sneaks in and pushes Pervy right into his boiling pot of soup. I wonder WHO that could have BEEN. We get a pretty sweet gory shot of his burnt flesh. God bless the 80s. The cigar smoking camp owner sees no reason to tell anybody what happened and hustles the ambulance out of there as quickly as possible and pays the rest of the kitchen staff for their silence.

For some ungodly reason, the movie then seems to think we need five boring minutes of the boy campers playing the world's most boring baseball game. Or maybe I just find it boring because I'd rather eat dirt than play or watch anyone else play any kind of sport. The only thing to take away from this scene is that 80s fashion was godawful and that Ricky's cabin kicked the ass of an opposing cabin who swear to "Get 'em back"

Aaaaaaand YAY CAMP DANCE! Angela sits quietly in the corner eating a candy bar while the guys who just got their asses kicked in baseball dare each other to ask her to go skinny dipping with them. They harrass her for only staring back at them, which pisses off Ricky and leads to a huge brawl right in the middle of the rec hall, and all the while Angela only stares her patented Stare Of Stareyness.

After the brawl, Ricky's BFF Paul (they go way back...they've been best friends for THREE YEARS already!) goes over to Angela and attempts to engage her in a meaningful conversation, and Angela totes falls in LUV, much to chagrin of Judy, who is watching them with her bitch face firmly in place. More importantly, Angela says her first line of the movie when she tells Paul "Goodnight" all shy and stuff. Adorable...and kinda sad.

Later that night, one of the guys who harrassed Angela earlier is out canoeing in the lake when SOMEBODY swims up and drowns his ass. I wonder WHO it WAS. The body is found in the morning and taken away, and the camp owner insists it was another fluke accident and there definitely isn't somebody going around CAUSING the deaths or anything, no sir.

Paul asks Angela to attend the camp movie together the next day (and since she's talking in complete sentences now, she says yes) while Judy and Meg bitch to each other that they have to play volleyball while Angela gets to sit and talk.

They take the opportunity to lambaste her for this as soon as Paul leaves. As Paul walks Angela back to her cabin that night after the movie, they sneak off into a corner and he gives her a quick kiss, which you can tell makes Angela totes uncomfortable and she hightails it inside the cabin. Judy just can't let things alone and tries to put her whore moves on Paul after Angela retreats, and he totally rebuffs her. GAHAHAHAHAHA.

When the girls are swimming the next day and Angela still won't join in their reindeer games, Meg has had more than enough and screams her head off while shaking Angela for not swimming. Short Shorts witnesses this and Meg gets in trouble, which Judy isn't going to let slide. When she has an attentive audience, she pointedly asks Angela why she never takes showers with the rest of the girls. Why, is she embarrassed because she hasn't yet reached puberty? No, Judy, it's because SHE'S A DUDE.

After yet another scene of Angela being teased by the jackass guy campers, one of the jackasses is on the toilet when SOMEBODY blocks the stall door and lets in a beehive through the window (although why he didn't just crawl under the stall door instead of futiley banging on it is beyond me). I wonder WHO it could have BEEN. Apparently, cigar smoking camp owner thinks it was Ricky and that he's doing it because he's sick of Angela being harrassed.

We then get an awkward scene of Angela and Paul kissing by the lake. Paul wants to turn it into horizontal kissing and Angela has a flashback to her dad and his partner kissing in bed and is all "NO" and runs away.

During a game of Capture The Flag, Paul tries to apologize and Angela isn't really having it. So Paul sneaks off with Judy to make out and Angela totally catches them. Burn. Paul tries apology #2 later during swim time and is interrupted by Judy. Judy is moving up to physical warfare. She enlists Meg's assistance and Angela is picked up and thrown into the lake because goddammit they're sick and fucking tired of her not swimming. And I have to interrupt for a second...Angela is wearing thin short shorts....there's no way Meg didn't feel a little something extra through the cloth while she was carrying her to the dock. But I'll buy it. Meanwhile, Ricky is being falsely accused by camp owner of being the Camp Arawak slasher.

Later that night, Meg is all happy because she has the night off and doesn't have to escort any campers to the social in the rec hall. She celebrates by arranging to meet her lover (cigar smoking camp owner!!) for dinner. Skank. While she's showering in preparation, SOMEBODY sneaks in and rams a knife right into her back. I wonder WHO it could have BEEN. (Hint: it's not Ricky).

Paul meets up with Angela later and attempts apology #3. Angela agrees to meet up with him later after the social but first she needs to go somewhere. Wonder where. Never mind right this moment, because cigar smoking camp owner has discovered Meg's body, which conveniently falls right out of the shower as he walks by it. He's still convinced Ricky is responsible and vows to get his revenge on the little fucker. Meanwhile...

Judy is sitting in the dark cabin curling her hair when SOMEBODY enters and Judy bitches at them before they knock her out and burn the crap out of her with the curling iron. Sweet. I wonder WHO it could have....yeah, if you don't know it's Angela by now you're never going to. Cigar smoking camp owner once again blames Ricky and bitch slaps him before being confronted with the REAL killer and receiving an archery arrow through the throat. Lovely.

Paul meets Angela by the water after the social like they planned and Angela immediately orders him to strip and swim. Paul is like "OK!" and quickly does it. We don't see what happens after this but Short Shorts and a bunch of staff and cops are searching the woods and finding bodies and whatnot. Short Shorts and Suzy enter the lake front and are confronted by...

Wait, we got a flashback. We're back to the day Little Angela arrived at Aunt Martha's house to live. Aunt Martha already has one little boy though, and it just wouldn't DO to have another living in the house, and anyway she's always wanted a little girl. Sorry Peter, you will just have to live as Angela from now on.

So now, Short Shorts and Suzy are standing dazed by the lake before them stands....

*PHOTO REMOVED. YOU'RE WELCOME*

HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT, SHE'S GOT A DICK!!

Roll credits. As cheesy as this movie is, I freaking love it. It's definitely an 80s camp classic, but NOTHING about it compares to Sleepaway Camp 2, which we will shortly be recapping and you're excited. Please don't hesitate to leave comments, I'm happy to hear from you if you enjoyed this and happy to take suggestions for recaps. Until next time :)