Saturday, May 30, 2009

"Have A Nice Life...What's Left Of It," or Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

After two months of being, frankly, too damn tired to blog anything, we are FINALLY continuing our Sleepaway Camp posting bonanza. I present to you Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Such wonders as bad wigs, stupid one liners, campers with the IQ of a french fry, and 80s teenage punk bad-assery await you. Let's start, as always, with the poster:
Well. At least they're up front about what you can expect from this masterpiece of a film. Moving on to the movie itself...

NOTE: As was the case with Sleepaway Camp 2, I am reviewing this movie from the crappiest of DVD transfers from the $5 bin. Lucky me.

We open on a teenage girl waking up and getting ready to go to summer camp while arguing with her offscreen mother. The first thing she does is take off her shirt (of course) and the camera lingers on her nonexistent boobs for, like, 5 minutes. Long enough for us to notice that she has the word "Milk" tattooed on one booby and the word "Shake" on the other. Hilarious. Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. Damn right... Sorry.

Anyhoodle, she starts a-walkin' to the bus stop with her little duffel bag in hand, all excited about camp and stuff. When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a big old Mack truck. A Mack truck with a mission. A mission to kill Milkshake here. Three guesses who's behind the wheel. The truck chases Milkshake into an alley and runs her ass over. (Body Count: 1) Next thing you know, Milkshake is being dragged and stuffed into the nearest trash compacter by...ANGELA. She's baaaaaaack! And she's dressed exactly like Milkshake, right down to the hair. That's right. Gone are Angela's curly brown locks from Part 2. Instead she's wearing a wig that looks like....well...I'll just let the wig speak for itself.
I know, right? It's like it's looking into your soul. Anyway...

Angela dons some bitchin' shades (see above) and boards the bus to Camp New Horizons. As the bus pulls away, some wall graffiti is revealed that says, with gusto, "Angela is Back!" Indeed she is. Indeed she is. And with that, the opening credits start rolling. Unlike with the crappy DVD of Sleepaway Camp 2, I can actually hear the music over the credits this time. And I have to say, I'm not impressed. You crazy 80s punk kids and your heavy metal. Get off of my lawn.

Cut to a news reporter lady providing us with exposition as she interviews the owners of Camp New Horizons, husband and wife Herman and Lily (tee-hee), who happily explain that the purpose of the camp is to mix together snobby rich kids with hardened children of the street and watch how they work together in peace and harmony. Right. Let me know how that works out for ya. We then are introduced to some of the snobby rich kids in their clean-cut Growing Pains clothes. Here we meet queen bitch Cindy, full of himself Greg, Madonna-wannabe Jan, hopeless nerd Peter, jock asshole Bobby, and goody two shoes Marcia. Do those names sound familiar? Well they should.
This naming scheme is even more amusing than the Brat pack theme in Part 2. Now we meet the charity case poor kids, who are mostly dressed all in black with plenty of metal doo-dads to indicate how punk they are. Arab, Snowboy, Anita, Riff, Tony, aaaaand...Angela. But she's pretending her name is Maria. Shhhhhhh.

Because no Sleepaway Camp film would be complete without them spelling out who the resident bitch is right up front, Marcia (who is set up to be our most likely Final Girl) confides to Cindy that she thinks Tony is cute and Cindy is all "But...he's Mexican!" in her snottiest voice. Wow. Such racist bitchery so early in the morning. The news reporter lady continues her coverage by explaining to us that Camp New Horizons is nothing more than Camp Rolling Hills from Part 2 with a new name slapped on it, and Lily is like "OMG you promised you wouldn't mention the murders from the last movie!" and the news reporter is all "Tough nuggets, I just did."
News reporter lady, having fulfilled her purpose by giving us the appropriate back story we need to continue with the movie, now saunters up to Angela and tells her she looks way older than the rest of the campers. SHENANIGANS, I say. Every last camper looks at least 25 years old. Angels fits right in. But Angela tells her that she looks older because of drugs. And the news reporter asks her where she can get some coke and Angela is all "Yeah, there's a machine in the dining hall!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Angela. Don't you ever change. The reporter is like "That's not what I meant, idiot" and pleads with Angela to sell her a gram to calm her nerves. Raise your hand if you think news reporter lady is gonna end up being the next victim. Me too.

"One of the many dangers of being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is pure," Angela chirps to herself as she fills a plastic bag with powdered Clorox, which she then hands over to news reporter lady, who then drives her car into a clearing, snorts the Clorox, and keels over on the spot. Body Count: 2 Drugs are bad, mm'kay?

Back at the camp mess hall, Lily cheerily explains to the groaning campers that for the next three days they will be split into three groups and be camping out in the woods. While she is answering stupid questions like "Do the boys get to sleep with the girls?" and 'Whaddya MEAN we have to camp out????" her husband is jostling his junk up and down to impress Jan, who I guess will be our resident camp whore. Why his wife doesn't notice (since she's only like 10 feet away) I'll never know. Anyway, Lily asks if anyone knows the Happy Camper Song. Oh God, yes. Angela jumps out of her seat like a little kid and is all "I DO!!!!!"

Hahahahahaha, adorable. Unfortunately, the Happy Camper Song is not sung (damn it all) because it's at this moment that the third counselor, Barney, arrives. And his arrival makes Angela mighty uncomfortable, for reasons that will be explained elsewhere in the film. For now, Barney lets us know he is a cop and asserts his authori-TAH by breaking up a knife fight between Tony and Riff, because knife fights are bound to happen when you put a bunch of hardened street hoodlums in one place.

In the girls' cabin, Jan and Arab give the teenage boys in the audience what they came here for by showing off their boobs as they change into their rockin' Camp New Horizons shirts. They also make fun of Angela for being so square as to wear a bra while she changes into her shirt. Then all the girls except Angela go and talk about how they hate being at summer camp, especially one in which people were murdered. Boo hoo.

Now that everybody is sporting the stylish camp shirts, they are divided into their little groups and disperse to do some camping out. Barney's group gets all excited that they get to eat wieners for dinner. Giggity. As the hot dog excitement dies down, Barney provides us with the reason Angela is uncomfortable in his presence: his son was Sean from Part 2. The one who got his decapitated head stuffed into a television set by Angela. And Barney is here at the newly reopened camp to make damn sure nobody else ends up dead. Methinks he will be less than successful. Meanwhile...

Herman's group, of which Angela is a part, is being made to go fishing. Everybody but Angela bitches about this, but they all go anyway. Except for Herman. And Jan. They stay behind in a tent. Can you guess where this is going? If you said an awkwardly staged sex scene, then you win imaginary money. But first, we look in on how the fishing is coming along. Angela, Snowboy, and Peter are fishing their hearts out, despite the fact that the boys are still bitching about it. Angela brings her fishing pole out of the water and a Jason mask is attached to the end of it.
Peter thinks he's funny and lights a firework inside a fish, and Angela screams her ass off. Damn, Angela. What's with the wimpitude? You're a badass murderous bitch! Get with the program.

And now we join this sex scene already in progress. As Herman and Jan get busy in the tent, a pair of feet slowly advance toward them, and then Angela pokes her head into the tent and gives them a disapproving glare. So Herman gets out to explain himself and gets whacked on the head as soon as he leaves the tent. Then he runs around in his long johns while Angela continues to give him a beat down with a blunt stick.

I'm going to pause here for a second and muse. I assume this is supposed to be a summer camp. Meant to be in operation during the SUMMER months. And yet, not only are there colorful leaves all over the ground, but everybody is wearing jackets and such, and now Herman is donning long johns. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was the fall. So, either this is some weird-ass camp that is in operation during the fall, or this thing had to be filmed during the fall, the cast were allowed to wear cold weather clothing to be comfortable, and the film makers hoped nobody would notice. I'm gonna go with the second explanation because it makes me smile. And now back to your regularly scheduled murder.

Angela has impaled Herman with her beat-down stick (Body Count: 3), and Jan starts screaming her head off. Angela quickly silences her with a well placed blow to the head (Body Count: 4). As she shoves Jan's body into the tent, Angela deadpans "Good thing you're dead, because in a couple years, your breasts would have been sagging." Snap, Angela. Snap. Back at her campsite, Angela is trying her best to start a fire to cook some fish, only for exasperation to fill her little heart as Peter tosses a rock at her and Snowboy graffitis her tent. Put them on your shit list, Angela. Send them HOME, I say.
Barney's group has finished their weenie roast, and Marcia has to go to the bathroom. Tony is ordered to accompany her. As they are striking up a conversation (and an adorable little budding romance), they hear noises in the woods and freak the fuck out, only to discover the noises were made by a raccoon. Ah, horror cliches. How we adore thee.

Fed up with Snowboy and Peter's shenanigans, Angela has decided the time has come to send them home. She awesomely lights a firecracker in Snowboy's face AND hits him bluntly in the head, tosses his body into Peter's tent, and torches the tent. (Body Count: 6) Now THAT's what I call efficient murderage. The best part is when Angela calmly slides some marshmallows into a stick to roast on the tent's flame. This is why Angela is awesome, yall. Moments like that.

The next morning we look in on Lily's group, which we haven't seen at all since the groups were formed the previous day. Angela descends upon them and feeds Lily some bullshit story about how Herman said she's supposed to switch places with Arab. Once she has Arab back at the empty campsite, Angela shoves her into a tent and then axes her to death. (Body Count: 7) Angela is totally slipping into unoriginality in this movie. I mean, come on. Axes and sticks and fire? Is that the best you can do, Angela? Any old serial killer can do that shit. Where are your awesome kills, like the death by toilet in Part 2 or the boiling water in Part 1? Get it together, Angela. Give us an exciting kill. Seriously.

Well anyway, Angela rejoins Lily's group, which is sitting in a circle doing Sharing and Caring. Yay! Lily asks Angela what her favorite movie is and Angela says E.T. Aaaaw. Bobby says his favorite is Rambo 3. Eeesh. Cindy declares she enjoys movies with great acting, "like Gone With The Wind. Or Care Bears." I think blood just started pouring from my eyes. After that earth shattering statement, Cindy bitches about Riff always playing his damn rap music, because rap offends her delicate ears. Riff counters that rap is better than country, and Cindy retorts that country is way better than rap, and I really wish Angela would kill the both of them right now so they'd shut the fuck up. Then Cindy spews a racial slur at Riff, who loses his shit and goes to let her have it. Lily is all "Stop it" and the both of them storm off to sulk. Angela pours herself some coffee and is all 'Siiiiiigh'.
Let's see how the morning is going for Barney's group. Anita asks Barney what ever happened to this Angela Baker chick everybody keeps talking about. Barney is like "Dunno" and explains that the only pictures that exist of Angela are from when she still looked like Felissa Rose, and that her juvenile records were destroyed when she turned 18, and that now the only thing people have to go on is descriptions of her. Ok. I'll buy it. Barney declares he'll kill her if he ever encounters her. Good luck with that, dude. I still have one more sequel left to blog.

Back at Lily's group, it's time for trust exercises. Everyone is split into pairs, one person is blindfolded, and their partner leads them around. I had to do that in my theatre classes in high school, and I always thought it was fun because I'm weird like that. Anyway, Angela has been paired with Cindy, who bossily orders Angela to be the first to wear the blindfold. So, Cindy leads Angela around and continues to bitch about Riff, and Angela is like 'Whatevs." Then they stop because Cindy has to take a smoke break. The final nail in Cindy's coffin is when she puts a slug on Angela's shoulder. Angela has had enough of this bitch and demands the blindfold be taken off, it's CINDY'S turn to be led around.

Angela leads her to a flagpole. This could be interesting. She asks Cindy some questions and learns that she is a drug taking, non-virgin cheerleader. Well, that simply won't do. She hooks Cindy's belt up to the flag string and begins to raise her up to the top. Why, I think we're about to have the first interesting death since the Clorox snort. I'm right. Once Cindy is at the tippity top, Angela lets go of the string and Cindy goes splat. Body Count: 8

Back at the campsite, Lily orders Angela around like Cinderella. Go take the garbage out, go fetch me some bug spray, make the fire, fix the breakfast, wash the dishes, do the moppin'....sorry. You can tell Angela is cheesed by this but she goes with the flow for now. She makes her way up to a cabin to get the bug spray and stuff and has flashbacks of singing the Happy Camper Song in Part 2, only she imagines that everybody cheered for her. She even adds, in her best Sally Field impression, "You like me! You really like me!" Poor Angela. All she wants is acceptance. Is that so much to ask? Well, IS IT????

Angela returns to the campsite, her chores completed, only to discover that she's being sent on another trust exercise, with Bobby this time. They are to catch fish while tied together, which sounds like it would be extremely inefficient. Bobby seals his gory fate by practically jumping Angela's bones, and she's all "Oh HELL naw." But she plays along and instructs him to meet her later. They return to the campsite, where Angela kindly asks Riff to clean the fish they caught, only to get a gun pointed in her face. I think we can safely assume Riff is doomed as well. Angela's gonna be a busy bee tonight.

Meanwhile, Marcia and Tony are in the woods engaging in their blindfolded trust exercise. They sit down to have a heart-to-heart and Marcia is like "Are you in a GANG?" And of course Tony is in a gang, and Marcia is all excited and is like "OMG REALLY???" They start to get it on, but before things progress Marcia gets all 80's PSA on us and hands Tony a condom. How subliminal.

Back to Angela and her dastardly deeds. Now with three more victims she needs to cross off her list, she decides to start with Lily. She convinces Lily to accompany her on a "trust exercise." This should be fun. Angela wastes no time in tossing Lily in a pit of garbage and burying her alive. WHILE SINGING THE HAPPY CAMPER SONG. It doesn't get much better than that. When Lily is completely buried except for her head, Angela piles on the piece de resistance by running over said head with a lawnmower. (Body Count: 9) That's my girl. I think Angela has finally gotten her creative groove back.
Bobby is next, and his death is slightly less interesting than Lily's, but still pretty sweet. Under the guise of some sexiful bondage play, Angela ties him and his acid wash jeans to a tree, ties the other end of the rope to a car, and starts drivin'. Cue death scream, aaaaand scene. (Body Count: 10)

Cut to Riff in his tent, grooving to his rap music. Angela reaches into his tent and tosses him a cassette tape. Upon inserting the tape into his boombox, Riff hears perhaps the worst rap in the history of all rap. I speak, of course, about Angela's rap about how she's about to kill him. Actually, to call it a rap is kind of a stretch. She sounds more like a bored cheerleader practicing for the upcoming football game. In any case, while he's listening, mouth agape at the awfulness of her rap skills, Angela collapses his tent on him and starts beating him to death with her beat-down mallet. Then she pounds a tent stake into his flesh. Body Count: 11

Angela has now single-handedly taken down two of the three groups, and she sees no reason to stop now. She makes her way over to Barney's group and feeds them the same "I'm supposed to switch" crap as before. She picks Marcia as her intended victim, since she saw her making out with Tony on her way over. Unfortunately, Barney throws a wrench into her plan by insisting on accompanying the girls and supervising the switch, like a responsible counseler. Obviously, this won't do. Angela will have to formulate a Plan B.

Angela pretends to sprain her ankle in order to get Marcia and Barney into the mess hall, where she complains to Barney that Herman is a perv and Lily is lazy. Marcia wanders outside to make fun of Lily for her laziness, and discovers the wreckage from the Lawnmower Of Atrocity. She screams, Barney comes running, and screams at Marcia to run the fuck away when he sees the carnage. For he has discovered Angela's identity, and the time has come to exact his revenge. So he gets all Dirty Harry on Angela and delivers a great monologue, only for Angela to pull out a gun and kill him right there on the spot.
Well. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't rather disappointing. Body Count: 12

With Marcia still on the lam, Angela hops into her trusty beige Jeep and eventually catches up with her, whisking her off to parts unknown. Meanwhile, the only three surviving campers (Anita, Greg, and Tony, of course) are sitting around wondering where exactly Marcia and Angela have gone. Speak of the devil, Angela suddenly appears as if by Slasher Magic. They allow her to tie them up under the guise of "We're gonna play a trust game because Barney said so." God, these kids will believe anything you tell them, won't they? Anyway, after she has them all tied up, she spectacularly reveals Barney's dead corpse to them.

Angela explains to the Three Musketeers that the object of the game they're now playing against their will is to find Marcia, who is in one of three cabins. And if they run away, don't find her, or open a can of whoop-ass on Angela, they will be killed. Sweet. On that happy note, they haul ass to track down Marcia. They succeed with 7 seconds to spare, but Anita and Greg are way. I wasn't really paying attention there. (Body Count: 14) But Marcia and Tony are still alive, and Angela congratulates them on winning and gives them directions to the nearest pay phone. What a darling.
Marcia is all "Bitch, you did NOT just put me through all this shit and expect to get away with it" and goes after Angela with all the rage of an angry cobra. They have a cat fight and Marcia stabs the shit out of Angela, who gasps some death rattles and is seemingly down for the count. As Marcia and Tony are recovering from their ordeal in a police cruiser, Tony is happily planning their future and shit and Marcia drops a bomb with "I already have a boyfriend." SNAP. Also, WHORE. Forget that skank, Tony. You can do better.

In the ambulance, Angela is still alive and two paramedics are debating whether or not to just kill her and put an end to her reign of cheese-tastic terror. Angela puts an end to them. Body Count: 16. Roll credits.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the masterpiece known as Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Check back next time when we recap the very last sequel, Return To Sleepaway Camp. Which is a Very Special Sequel for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Felissa Rose makes an awesome return. Stay tuned for that.

I know, I know

I suck. But if you knew the amount of papers I've had to write for school, you'd totally understand my plight. I pinky promise that Sleepaway Camp 3's entry will be up soon.