So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!
And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.
Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?
The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.
Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.
It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.
Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.
Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.
A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.
George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?
While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.
The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.
