"Jodie Is...What's The Word..Dead" or The Amityville Horror (2005)

Yes, I know. I've been promising this recap for, like, a hundred years. Unfortunately, real life has been flaring in a huge way over the past week, and so I really, truly didn't have a spare moment to work on the blog. But enough about that, let's get to recapping us some bad horror movies! Isn't that the reason you came here?

So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.

This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!

And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.

Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.

So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?

The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.

So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.

Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.

It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!


Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.

Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.

Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.

Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.

A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.

Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.

George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.

Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?

While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.

The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.

Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.

To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.

"She Burned Her Hands On A Cold Window!" or Audrey Rose (1977)

If there's one thing we know about the 1970s, it's that, following the success of The Exorcist, Hollywood couldn't churn out more Supernatural Child movies fast enough. Audrey Rose, although it positively reeks of post-Exorcist possession mania, is not actually a bad film. Far from it, actually. It's not excellent, but it's not horrible either. It was, after all, directed by Robert Wise, a horror legend for his 1963 masterpiece, The Haunting. Not to mention The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But, just because the movie has a few things going for it, does not mean that there isn't plenty to snark on. Behold, the poster:

Suitably creepy, I guess. I could do without the little Brooke Shields drawing above the title because it looks kind of random compared to the rest of the poster, but it's ok.

We open on a cold, rainy day, when the titular Audrey Rose and her mother are killed after their car crashes and catches on fire. Eleven years later, we are introduced to the family that we will be watching for the next two hours: Janice and Bill Templeton and their daughter, Ivy. Ivy Templeton, by the way, is one of the most irritating children I have ever seen on film. And it's not really because the character herself is annoying. Well, she is, kind of, but not especially so. No, what makes her REALLY irritating is the fact that the little girl playing her quite obviously got "acting" confused with "whining constantly and making stupid faces."

So anyway, the Templetons are enjoying a fine day of family fun in Central Park, riding bikes and feeding baby seals out of their hands and laughing gaily as they chase balloons together, and I half expect everybody to join hands and engage in a chorus of "It's A Wonderful Day For Pie." I think I just got brain diabetes from all that sugary sweetness. They're having so much wholesome fun that they don't notice the strange bearded fellow who has been stalking them wherever they go all day.

Creeptastic! They go home and Janice develops the 5,948 pictures she took of Ivy's smiling mug that day. She gazes at these pictures adoringly with a sickeningly sweet grin, and I have a feeling that, were this movie set in the present day, Janice would be posting every last one of them on Facebook. And then she would get all offended when nobody commented on them because nobody has time to sit and go through them all. Because they have lives. Ahem.

Janice goes to pick up Ivy from school the next day, and whaddya know? Bearded Man is there looking all suspicious and stuff. And then he follows them home, which is....yeah. Ivy goes on and on about some chick at school who she thinks is a big fat liar because she said she got her period already. Ivy, you're a bitch and nobody cares. Bill comes home and, as Janice gets to work making his martini like a good little '70s housewife, he visits with Ivy. Ivy thinks they should buy Janice a camera that's full of "little dinkys," and I really don't care.

That night, as Janice and Bill are entertaining some friends, Ivy has what I assume is a nightmare, but which sounds more like a hot sex dream, judging by the amount of moaning and panting going on. Janice checks up on her and Ivy tries to angle for a day off school the next day by claiming she doesn't feel well. Janice informs her that she doesn't have a fever or anything, really, to indicate that she's sick, but that she may stay home from school anyway. Because Janice is an enabler. She tries to voice her concerns about Bearded Man to Bill before she turns in for bed, but Bill is already snoring away. Men.

No matter, because Bill has already noticed Bearded Man and his creepy stalking behavior. In particular, he has noticed that Bearded Man seems to enjoy loitering outside of Ivy's school. Bill tries to complain to the police, who are all "Sorry, can't help ya." Since Bearded Man has not actually made physical contact with any of the Templetons, the police can't legally charge him with anything. So, he is free to be creepy for another day. A freedom he exercises by calling Janice at home and asking why Ivy wasn't in school, and later sending her a new purse on top of the groceries Bill brought home. Ivy thinks Bill got her the purse, but seriously, when gifts become involved, this is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY and ass needs to start being kicked, whether any laws have technically been broken or not. That night gives us the first blatant Exorcist homage shot, wherein Ivy lies in bed with her eyes open, staring blankly.

The next morning, Janice checks the mail to discover that Bearded Man has sent them a newspaper clipping containing a short biography of himself. They now know his name (Elliot Hoover), but not much else that would explain why he's creepily stalking their 11 year old. Janice and Bill discuss the clipping over lunch, which cuts awkwardly to a scene of Janice having a fainting spell in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason. Seriously, there's no explanation for it and it's never mentioned again. Because of it, Janice arrives at Ivy's school to pick her up and finds it completely empty. Running like a lunatic through the streets, she runs right into Elliot Hoover, who, quite politely, informs her that he not at all creepily helped Ivy across the street after school. Janice tears into the apartment and shakes the hell out of Ivy for following a stranger. Ivy whines and they both dissolve into dramatic bitch tears. The amount of scenery being chewed is astonishing and we're only half an hour in.

That night, Elliot Hoover calls the Templetons and begs them to let him explain himself. Yay. They agree and meet a freshly beardless Elliot at a nearby restaurant, where he tells them a long, convoluted, boring story involving psychics and shit, the short version of which goes like this: His wife and daughter (Audrey Rose) died in a fiery car crash 11 years ago/A psychic told him his daughter was still alive/He believes that Ivy is the reincarnation of her. Totally credible! This little meeting is interrupted when Janice and Bill receive a call from Ivy's babysitter telling them to come home right away because Ivy is having another sex dream nightmare. Could this have something to do with her possession/reincarnation/whatever? Could Hoover be right? THE MIND BOGGLES!

Bill meets with a lawyer friend of his to ask what can be done about Hoover and his ridiculous theories. The lawyer suggests that he invite Hoover over to the apartment and ask him a series of questions in order to get some evidence to build a case against him. Bill does so, with the lawyer hiding on the stairs as a witness. Turns out Hoover can't actually verify any of his story because all the psychics he talked to are dead or something. I dunno. I kind of checked out because it was yet another long and boring Oscar Bait monologue. He tells the Templetons about his time in India, where reincarnation is apparently a widespread belief. He also confirms that Audrey Rose's date and time of death coincides almost exactly with Ivy's time of birth.

In the midst of all this, Ivy walks out into the upstairs hallway and starts freaking out and having a flailing, screaming, waking nightmare while banging on the windows. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Given the acting skills of this kid, it looks more like a 4 year old's tantrum over not being allowed a cookie before supper.

But, I digress. Everyone tries to calm her down, but only Elliot Hoover is successful. He calls her "Audrey Rose" and gives her a hug. This father-daughter reunion, such as it may be, calms Ivy down enough for her to be put back to bed. Bill is pissed that this guy and his charming British accent could calm her down so quickly when he could not. He starts to beat the crap out of Elliot, but stops and just tells him to get the fuck out and don't let the door hit him in the ass. Meanwhile, Janice has noticed something quite odd and troubling about Ivy. It seems she has burned her hands quite severely. When she points this out to Bill, he's all "Must have been the radiator." Janice retorts, with dramatics that would make a 1930's studio star proud, that Ivy wasn't anywhere near the radiator and that her hands were burned on the cold, rainy windows. She also points out that Ivy's nightmares always seems to occur around her birthday (death day?). Bill is like "Bitch, you's crazy," and the topic is dropped.

The next night, Ivy gives her Linda Blair impression another shot (and still fails...miserably so). Janice was smart this time and thought to put a screen in front of Ivy's window. Unfortunately, she neglected to safeguard the stairs, the tables, the lamps, the curtains, and most of the other furniture in the apartment, so Ivy instead crashes into all of those things like a little crack monkey. Bill isn't home, so when the doorman rings and informs Janice that Elliot is in the lobby, she sends him on up. He calls her "Audrey Rose" again. and Ivy makes the ugliest cry face I have ever seen on anybody, ever. Behold:

This is by far the most frightening thing in the movie, for reals. Anyway, Elliot calms her down while Janice sits in the corner and prays. When Ivy has been put back to bed, Janice and Elliot discuss just what the hell is going on here. Elliot theorizes that Ivy is in danger because of the whole "having another person's traumatized soul inside her" thing. If they don't find a way to set Audrey Rose's soul free from Ivy's body, he says, Ivy could totally die. Then he launches into another drawn out speech about the stuff he learned in India about reincarnation. Janice seems to be starting to believe.

When Bill gets home, he is none too pleased to hear that Elliot has been there again. He bitches Janice out, to which she replies "You weren't here, waah waah waah, bitch bitch bitch!" At least, that's what it sounded like to me. The level of hysterics she displays here are truly impressive. Bill decides not to argue and vows to be home more.

The nightmares and freakouts continue unabated. Elliot shows up one night in the middle of a particularly nasty episode for Ivy, and Bill goes absolutely apeshit and starts beating the fuck out of him. The two men have a hilarious brawl in the hallway while people in neighboring apartments step outside their doors and watch, looking only mildly perturbed. Elliot breaks free and barricades himself inside the Templeton's apartment. The po'po arrive and get the door open to discover that Elliot and Ivy are gone. He has taken her up to the apartment he has recently rented on the 8th floor. Hey, whatever makes stalking and kidnapping more convenient for ya. He is, of course, promptly arrested.

Which brings us to the courtroom drama portion of our tale, wherein it must be proven whether or not reincarnation exists. Because I am a total nerd, I notice right off the bat that the judge presiding over Elliot's trial is the same guy who played the psychiatrist in the episode of The Golden Girls where the girls were all pissed at each other and considering moving out. Yay for being a TV junkie! Ahem. Anyway.

While Elliot is being put on trial, Ivy has been sent to a Catholic boarding school. She and some other students are walking in a circle, chanting while some kind of big-ass snowman is being built. I have no idea what that's about, but it sort of reminds me of The Wicker Man. One nasty little snot stops chanting long enough to call Ivy a freak. Cut to the headmistress showing Janice a newspaper confiscated from a student that contains the reincarnation trial story. Oh dear. Janice keeps Ivy overnight at a hotel and they have a heart to heart. Janice wants to take Ivy home and Ivy protests because the Sylvester, the Wicker Snowman, is going to be crowned soon, and dammit, she isn't going to miss it. Uuuum....ok? They discuss reincarnation some, and Ivy waxes poetic about how awesome it would be if everyone would live forever and ever and never die. Shut up, Ivy. If that were to happen, parking spaces would disappear really fast and then Black Friday would suck even more ass than it already does. Embrace the circle of life. Anyway, they go to bed and Janice awakens in the middle of the night to find Ivy standing in front of the bathroom mirror, whispering the name Audrey Rose to herself over and over. And, ok, that is a little bit freaky.

We then segue into some more courtroom scenes, which are really boring so I'm just going to gloss over them. The main thing that happens is that the driver of the car that crashed into Audrey Rose and her mother's car gives testimony and it's really depressing. So yay for more of Ivy's new school! Their evil looking snowman is being crowned in the middle of a bonfire while the children dance and chant something about "Old Man Winter." Except for Ivy, who is entranced by the fire, so much so that she crawls right into it. The headmistress sees this dire situation from an upper story window and nearly yells herself hoarse trying to get the attention of the nun in charge of supervising the Crowning Of The Snowman. The supervising nun is in la-la land and therefore completely oblivious to both Ivy getting up close and personal with the bonfire and the headmistress yelling like a banshee about it. Somebody needs to get demoted.

Ivy is rushed to the hospital to treat her burned face. Bill is furious and asks why the hell there was a bonfire at school in the first place. Good question. Ivy whines like a little bitch and is all "Whyyyyyy did I do that Daddyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" The drawn out syllables are not for dramatic effect here, that's totally how she says it. Meanwhile, Janice is called to the witness stand at Elliot's trial, and her testimony boils down to that she totally believes in reincarnation and that Elliot should be set free because he is Ivy's only hope. Yay.

In light of this, the prosecution develops a radical idea. They will put Ivy under a special hypnosis in order to determine if she remembers anything from a previous life. Even though such a test has never actually been attempted before. Wow, there's NO WAY this can go wrong. Janice is vehemently opposed to this nonsense. Unfortunately, Bill has already agreed and Ivy has been sweet talked into agreeing to it as well. So, hypnosis it shall be.

Ivy is led into a room with a one way mirror with the hypnotist while Elliot, Bill, Janice, and some doctors and court officials watch from the other side. The hypnotist starts the whole "You're getting sleepy, close your eyes" bit, and it takes for freaking ever for her to finally shut her damn eyes. It goes on for so long, in fact, that I am tempted to close MY eyes out of boredom. Anyway, once she's under, she is told to revert back to her 8th birthday party. Then her 4th birthday, where she says something about her cake being homemade and then whines something incoherent. Seriously, I rewound the movie about 5 times and absolutely could not determine what she's crying about. Then she reverts to being a baby. And then, the hypnotist tells her to go back to a time "BEFORE you were BORN." That phrase is apparently this movie's answer to "The power of Christ compels you," because it repeated approximately 76,947 times. Ivy is indeed able to revert to BEFORE she was BORN, because she starts screaming and re-enacting Audrey Rose's death. Complete with choking on smoke and everything.

Seeing that this could potentially have nasty results, the hypnotist quickly attempts to awaken her. For a minute, it seems he has succeeded. However, Ivy goes right back to screaming and choking until she collapses, lifeless, onto the floor. Oops. Good job, Bill. You insisting she go under hypnosis has killed her. You know, again.

Several months later, Janice writes a letter to Elliot thanking him for taking Ivy's ashes to India. Ok, then. The camera pans over Ivy's baby pictures as Janice narrates her letter. She makes no mention of whether or not she has kicked Bill's ass to the curb after he essentially killed their kid, but that's what happened in my noodle. Roll credits.

Stay tuned for next time, when we recap the crap out of The Amityville Horror '05!

"Eat The Cookie!" or Flowers In The Attic (1987)

Let me just say this right now: I have seen some BAD book-to-movie adaptations in my life, ok? But nothing, not even the mid-90's abortion that was The Baby Sitters Club Movie, can quite top this. This, my friends, is its own special brand of fail. Dear readers, I present to you, Flowers In The Attic. THIS RECAP IS FULL OF SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!! The movie differs (a lot) from the book, so the spoilers are mainly for the movie, although one or two from the book might be there.
Now, the book this movie is based on, while not a piece of Great Literature, is still a mighty fine page-turner that stands up well to multiple readings. It's interesting enough, and there's always another layer to peel back and discover something you missed before. However, it's not a book that you would think Hollywood would be falling all over themselves to turn into a commercial movie. An HBO miniseries, maybe. Not a major motion picture, though. I'm frankly surprised that 1) it was ever adapted at all, considering the pretty heavy themes running rampant in the novel, and 2) that they managed to adapt it with a PG-13 rating. In the end, they ended up with a sloppily written mess, as you will see.

So. Flowers In The Attic begins with "ominous" shots of a massive house with an impeccably manicured lawn. We are shown an empty, dusty attic full of stereotypical attic things, in addition to construction paper flowers. In the attic. How CLEVER. A woman's voice narrates as we are shown around the abandoned attic. The woman is the adult version of Cathy, whose teenage self will be our heroine in the rest of the film. Anyway, Cathy explains that this is the attic of "Grandmother's house."
Flashback many many years. Cathy, who we see here carefully studying the way her mother applies makeup, is 12 years old (according to the book, anyways...the movie doesn't tell you how old anyone is). She lives in her perfect suburban home with her mother Corinne, her father Christopher, her older brother Chris (14), and her twin siblings Carrie and Cory (5). Notice how everybody's name begins with a C. Theme naming = one of my pet peeves. It isn't cute. It's asinine. Anyhoodle..

Adult Cathy's narration smugly informs us that she was her father's favorite child. Superiority complex, much? We are shown an example of this favoritism when Dad comes into Cathy's room in the middle of the night to give her a music box shaped like a ballerina, with a ring inside. He says he wanted to wait until everybody else had gone to bed so they wouldn't be jealous. The whole scene is vaguely uncomfortable. Mom stands in the doorway silently giving them Bitch Face. The music box is given a lot of emphasis. An awful lot. If it could talk, it would say "Behold me, viewer! I shall play a big part later in the movie!"
Cut to the night of Dad's 36th birthday party. Mom and the kids are waiting for him to come home and fussing over last minute details. While the twins run around being annoying, Cathy angsts over the proper way to arrange 36 candles on the cake. I say quit your bitching and smack a "3" and a "6" candle on that sucker. Problem solved. They hear a car pull into the driveway, so all the kids hide behind the couch while Mom flings open the door. Unfortunately, it's not Dad standing there, but the police. The kids slowly emerge from behind the couch as the police inform Mom that Dad has died in a car wreck. Cathy screams.

We then segue to what appears to be quite awhile later. The house is almost bare, since they had to sell all their possessions to get by without Dad's income. Because Mom is kind of a selfish bitch, and getting a job to feed her children, of whom she is now the sole provider, is somehow beneath her. Anyway, it appears that Mom and the kids are going somewhere, since they have suitcases and are dressed in traveling clothes. Lo and behold, we see them next on a train in the middle of the night.
The family leads us down Exposition Avenue during their train ride. Turns out that Mom is taking the kids to her parents' house. Cathy asks why they've never met their grandparents, and Mom replies that, years and years ago, she made one hell of a faux pas that pissed off her dad so much, he totally disowned her. She doesn't elaborate on what that was exactly, but we'll find out later. Boy howdy, will we find out. Anyway, Mom says that ol' Grandad, who is filthy freaking rich, is about to kick the bucket. So she plans on getting back into his good graces and inheriting all his money when that happens.

Later in the day, still on the train, Cathy delivers an overly dramatic monologue complaining that Mom and Dad never allowed the children to have a pet. Because if they had one and it had died, they would have learned to deal with death. After this, we cut to the middle of the night, where the family is getting off the train in order to walk the rest of the way to Chez Grandparents. Because calling a taxi is just too much work for Mom.

They arrive early in the morning and are greeted by John, the creepy butler. Mom introduces John to the kids, and he only stares his very own Stare of Stareyness. He leads them into the main foyer of the enormous mansion, where Grandmother is waiting for them. Grandmother is a bitch. We can tell she is because she glowers a lot and wears black. She orders Mom to take the kids upstairs.
They are led to the top floor and hustled into a bedroom. Grandmother cuts all the bullshit and informs the kids that she won't tolerate any crap from any of them. Mom tells the kids to take a nap and recover from their journey, and Grandmother barks that the two boys are to share one bed, and the two girls are to share the other. Then she and Mom leave the room and lock the door behind them. Cathy rushes to the door to check that it is, indeed, locked. Chris wanders over to the windows and discovers that there are bars on them. He and Cathy exchange a "What the HELL is going on here?" look.

Later, Grandmother wheels a cart containing a complete balanced breakfast into the room for the kids. She's all "You're a bunch of filthy sinners and God will punish you." Cory interrupts with "I have to go to the bathwoom!" and Grandmother is all "Shut up." HAHA. Then she decides it's time for a stroll down Back Story Boulevard. She informs the children that their parents were uncle and niece, and that they (the kids) are therefore the spawn of Satan. And, oh yeah, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. I guess we know why Mom was disowned, then. She tells them that Grandfather has no idea they even exist, and that she'll never tell him because it would be too much for his old heart. She leaves and Cory hauls ass to the "bathwoom."
Downstairs, Grandmother exhibits further bitchitude by taking out a whip and lashing the hell out of Mom. In a later scene we are told that she was whipped 17 times, one for each year she was married to Dad. I mention this now because immediately after the whipping, Mom comes into the kids' room, with only a slight limp to indicate her "pain." The kids are excited to see her and scream annoyingly, and Grandmother comes running in and is all "Shut UP!!!" Carrie, in a grand display of testicular fortitude, walks right up to Grandmother and lets out the biggest scream she can muster. She is rewarded for it by being picked up by the ears and held aloft for a few minutes. I'm not even kidding, look:
It reminds me of that scene Matilda (the book) in which Miss Trunchbull did the same thing to a student who couldn't spell "what." Anyway, Cory rushes to defend his twin by biting Grandmother's ankle, so Grandmother kicks his stunt double in the face and drops Carrie's stunt double to the floor. She then orders Mom to take off her shirt and show the kids how it's gonna go down if they ever dare to cross her. Observe the wounds:
I'm sorry, WHAT??? That whip was huge, and she got 17 lashes! 17!!!!!! She shouldn't be walking around, she should be DEAD, or at the very least curled up in the corner, in the fetal position, muttering incoherent sentences because the intense pain from such a whipping has rendered her brain to jelly.

Well, anyway. The kids are rightfully horrified and helpfully apply antiseptic to Mom's whip wounds after the Grandmother leaves. Mom tells them that, now that she's accepted her punishment for being such a ho, she will start tomorrow to win back Grandfather's approval. Before she leaves, she shows Cathy and Chris the door in the room that leads to the attic and instructs them to turn it into their own little hideaway.

After Mom leaves, Cathy and Chris discuss what they now know about their family history. They opt to have this discussion while undressing and getting into their PJ's. Then they climb into the same bed because Carrie and Cory are zonked out on the other one. Methinks the Grandmother would NOT approve of this arrangement.

Next morning, Grandmother wheels in the breakfast cart, which now inexplicably contains powdered cookies. The cookies are super duper important, which we know because the camera lingers on them for quite a bit. Grandmother gives the kids a slip of paper that contains the rules they have to follow at all times and then leaves. The kids make to go up to the attic and SURPRISE, Grandmother appears back in the room like a pop-up ad to remind them sternly that they are to "Never be seen." I would ask who exactly is going to see them IN THE ATTIC, and also whether somebody hearing them walking on wooden flooring might be a more valid concern, but I won't. Oh, wait. Guess I just did.

So, the attic. The attic is large and covered in plastic cobwebs available for 3.99 a bag at Halloween Express. It is also, like I said earlier, full of stereotypical attic crap such as rocking horses, covered furniture, and ugly statues of lions. A montage of the kids cleaning up the attic follows. Chris constructs a makeshift swing for the twins, and a makeshift barre for Cathy to practice her ballet (and so he can creepily watch her dance, apparently). He also conveniently finds an ancient microscope (he wants to be a doctor). Adult Cathy narrates that weeks, then months, went by, and still they were locked in that bedroom/attic. She explains also that Mom has been visiting less and less, and has pretty much stopped coming at all. Cathy stares wistfully at her ballerina music box. Later, as the kids sit in the attic making construction paper flowers to decorate it, the twins complain that they want to go outside and ask if Mom doesn't like them anymore.
Cathy and Chris discuss what could possibly be keeping Mom from visiting them, and conclude that she must be a hostage someplace in the house. This conversation takes place while Cathy is in the bathtub, which is...um...yeah. Then they once again sleep in the same bed because the twins have hijacked the other one. And the Grandmother discovers these sleeping arrangements the next morning when she brings the cart of food. Of course, she flips the fuck out and accuses them of being filthy sinners. And I wonder, if this was going to be an issue, and considering the family history with Mom and all, why she didn't just give the girls and the boys separate rooms. Problem solved. But whatever. Grandmother gives the children the Icy Glare Of Bitchdom while standing next to Cathy's beloved ballerina music box, and Cathy looks nervously from Grandmother to the music box.

Oh yeah. That music box is so done for. Grandmother swipes it to the floor, where it falls in slooooooooow mooooootioooooooon, and Cathy falls to her knees in anguish and picks up the broken pieces and is all "Nooooooooo, my faaaaaaatheeeeer gaaaaaave that to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Seriously, I didn't make up those drawn out words. She really says it that way.
Cathy and Chris decide they've had quite enough of the Grandmother's shit and devise a plan to remove the bars from the attic window and escape out of it to find Mom and file a complaint. They make it outside, but have to scurry right back up their little rope because the caretaker's dogs bark at them in a ferocious manner. Mission not accomplished.

The next morning, Mom finally manages to get her ass upstairs to visit the kids. She bitches to Cathy and Chris about their escape shenanigans and is all "You could have RUINED everything!" She reminds them that they need to stay locked away until Grandfather concludes his waltz with the Grim Reaper. She half-heartedly suggests that they could get the hell out of Dodge right now (which Cathy wants) or they can wait for Granddad's death and get money, because he's thisclose to dying. Chris, being a wussy Momma's boy, buys her bullshit hook, line, and sinker and is all "Ok Mom, whatever you say. You know best." Cathy walks away in a huff.

Time marches on. Cory finds a mouse and keeps it as a pet. Newer, stronger bars are installed in the attic windows. And Cathy and Chris continue to have deep conversations about their situation while Cathy happens to be bathing. Grandmother walks in on one such conversation and is all "OMG SIN!" and Chris voices what I said earlier and is all "You're the one that locked us in this room together, Buttercup."While I agree with the sentiment, Chris, I also feel I should point out that there's at least 23.5 hours a day when your sister is NOT in the bathtub in which you might have discussions. So, um...that's all. Moving on.

So, one morning, everybody wakes up to discover Cory is gone and get all panicky with "OMG where is he????" Guys, you're locked in. There's only so many places he could be. Sure enough, they find him in the attic with his pet mouse, and all is right with the world. The only reason this scene exists is to make sure Cathy is the first one back downstairs and is conveniently all alone when Grandmother surprises her and pushes her down, wielding a pair of scissors. She locks the attic door to keep the other kids out of the room and gets to work cutting Cathy's hair. Or, more precisely, she gets to work cutting hair from an obvious blonde wig. Then she leaves and Chris observes Cathy crying like a baby in the bathroom because her precious hair is gone. Chris does his best to even it out, and Cathy ends up looking like this:
Notice the rough hay-like quality of the hair, which screams "I'M A CHEAP WIG!"

Time continues to march on. The children are increasingly getting more chalky pancake makeup applied to their faces to make them appear malnourished and sickly. Mom is seen receiving presents from Grandfather and enjoying a rather lavish lifestyle with her new boyfriend (!) while the kids more or less starve upstairs. Cory in particular becomes so weak from lack of food that Chris cuts his own vein open and makes Cory drink his blood for nourishment. Eeeew.

Finally, Chris devises another plan for getting out of the room, by removing the door from its hinges. OMFG IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO THINK OF THAT????? So anyway, they get out of the room (leaving the twins, the better to conduct business swiftly) and go exploring. Curiously, despite the fact that they've been deprived of food for awhile, they opt not to explore the kitchen. They find Mom's room, full of expensive shit, and Cathy is dumbstruck by the fact that this bitch has been living so luxuriously while they've been suffering. Chris is all "I'm sure there's an explanation." Chris, you annoy me with your stupidness.

Presently, they stumble into Grandfather's room and are unable to tell whether he is dead or sleeping. So they get really really close to his face. Of course, he wakes up at exactly the right moment and they scream, and then John The Butler appears and they scream some more. And then they go back to their room. Cathy tells Chris they need to take the twins and blow this Popsicle stand, because it's obvious that Mom is never going to take them away from the house. Chris put on his Momma's Boy hat and is all "But I'm suuuure Mom will come visit soon and she'll have perfectly logical explanations for everything." CHRIS OMG YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH. Their argument is interrupted by Cory, who has to throw up.

Cut to a shot of cookies. Remember the cookies? A disembodied hand sprinkles the powdered sugar on them. Cathy wakes up from a nightmare to find a tray of food at the foot of her bed, containing the cookies. The movie really wants you to pay attention to those cookies.
Up in the attic, the kids sit around looking depressed. Even more gray pancake makeup has been applied to their faces, in addition to "sunken eye" makeup. Carrie starts taking down the paper flowers because it's almost winter. The movie doesn't tell you how long they've been upstairs by this point, but at this point in the novel, they've been up there for almost 3 years. Hard to tell in the movie, seeing as how nobody has aged and Cathy's hay wig is still short. Anyway, all four kids are sick, but Cory is the sickest. Chris reads some symptoms out of a medical book and asks Cory if he has any of them. Suddenly, Mom shows up all full of sunshine and smiles and is all 'I'm baaaaaack!" She compliments Cathy on her new haircut (HAHA) and tells the kids that she's finally won the approval of Grandfather, and is getting her very own party tonight to commemorate the occasion. Even better, she'll be getting all his money when he croaks.

The kids are not impressed. Cathy and Chris rip her a new one and voice their grievance that she doesn't seem to give a shit that they are sick, riddled with sores, and are routinely deprived of food. Mom gets all huffy and is all "Well, I'll be back when you've stashed the attitude and can treat me with LOVE". What. A. Bitch. Chris and Cathy sneak downstairs that night and watch the party from behind a vent. They observe Mom being proposed to by her new man candy, and are understandably pissed.

Next morning, Grandmother comes in with the food and cops a bitchitude because everybody is in pajamas and is all "What have I told you about being together in your NIGHT CLOTHES??" Once again, this is a problem that could have easily been solved by separate bedrooms. *sigh*

The kids tell her that Cory is very sick. Grandmother leaves and comes back with Mom, who doesn't appear to give a rat's ass. Cathy loses her shit and yells that Mom had better fucking take Cory to a hospital, because if she doesn't, Cathy will make damn sure she pays for being such a shitty mother. Mom slaps Cathy for mouthing off, and Cathy slaps her back. Grandmother summons John the Butler and instructs him to bring the car around for Cory because Mom is gonna take him to the hospital whether she likes it or not.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Cory pulled through, because while the kids are shown waiting anxiously for news, the caretaker is shown digging a grave. Mom finally enters the room and coldly informs the kids that Cory is dead. Outside, we see that the caretaker is digging not just one grave, but four. Might be a good idea for yall to run away now. Just a thought.

An undisclosed amount of time later, Carrie points out to her brother and sister that Cory's pet mouse seems to have gone to the Great Rat Race In The Sky. Inside the dead mouse's cage, the kids find a piece of cookie. The same cookies they've been eating all this time. Chris spends some quality time with his medical book and concludes that the powder on the cookies has been laced with arsenic. In light of the fact that they've been slowly poisoned for months/years/whatever, Chris decides that they're gonna go downstairs tonight, steal whatever money they can find, and then run away. IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

Chris goes downstairs that night go make with the thievery, and discovers that tomorrow is the day of Mom's wedding. He goes back upstairs and informs Cathy that, since the Grandmother can't possibly lock the front door with so many people coming in and out for a wedding party, they'll simply walk out tomorrow. We then cut to the next morning, as another plate of cookies is being sprinkled with aresneic sugar. This time, we clearly see it's Mom doing the sprinkling with a cold and calculated look on her face.
So, all three kids leave the room and head downstairs. Before they leave, Cathy wants to go inform the Grandfather that they exist and that Mom is a bitch who's been slowly murdering them. So they go to his room and discover that he's already dead and has been for quite some time. They also find a copy of the will laying conveniently on a table that states that if it's ever discovered that Mom produced children with her first husband, she'll be permanantly disinherited. The kids, wishing to make goddamn sure that the bitch never sees one red cent after what she did to them, make toward the wedding ceremony being held in the house.

After making quite a stunning entrance to the ceremony in progress, Cathy is all "Hi MOTHER!" and Carrie is all "Momma?" and Mom is all 'Do I know you?" Cathy screams a recap of all the important plot points before the entire congregation. Then she waves a piece of poison cookie in Mom's face and is all "Here, eat it!"
Mom backs away like it's going to shoot her and Cathy chases her outside with it, demanding that she eat it. A catfight ensues, resulting in Mom falling over a balcony and being hung by her own veil. To which I say, GOOD. Bitch had it coming.

At long last, the kids leave the house as Grandmother watches them through an upstairs window. Adult Cathy narrates that Chris went to medical school, Carrie grew up with a bevy of health problems due to her time in the attic eating arsenic cookies, and Cathy herself started ballet dancing again. Roll credits.

My suggestion: Go read the book and its sequels.