"Miiiicaaaaaah!" or Paranormal Activity (2009)

Well hell, this recap is damn late. Fun fact: I started writing this in January right before getting the mother of all flu viruses and being pretty much confined to bed for 3 weeks. Know what there is to do when you don't have the energy to leave your bed? Nothing. Nothing but watch Lifetime movies set the women's movement back 100 years. But anyway...
Paranormal Activity. The Blair Witch Project of the new millennium. Is it scary? Yes, the first time you see it. Does it hold up well after multiple viewings? Sort of. Do its flaws stand out like a clown in church after it's been played five hundred times on cable and you keep it on as background noise while you work? Hell yes. I've absolutely been itching to recap this one for quite awhile. Now that it's been out for awhile, the sequel has just hit DVD, and the second sequel is arriving in theaters this fall, I think enough people have seen it so that a good recap can be appreciated by everybody.

So, Paranormal Activity is the story of Micah and Katie, a young couple in what I assume is their early 20s, who have oodles of time to hang around in their multi-million dollar mansion all day. So, right away we're heading onto the last train to Suspended Disbeliefville, population 2, even before the ghostly stuff starts. The movie explains this away by saying that Micah is a day trader, despite spending a grand total of 2 minutes of screen time actually "working". He must make most of his money by being a full time asshole, as will be evidenced by his behavior throughout this entire movie. Katie is a student majoring in Never Going To Class Ever. The movie opens by informing you that they're both already dead and that this movie is home video footage that was found in their house. Thanks for killing the suspense in less than 2 seconds, title card!

Cut to Katie arriving home (probably NOT from class) in her Nice Ass Car™ and asking Micah how much money he spent on the top of the line video camera he is currently shoving in her face. Micah replies that he spent half of all the money he made that day. Holy. Shit. Where do I apply for that job? Anyway. The purpose of the camera is for them to document the paranormal activity (see what I did there?) that has been plaguing them in the house for the past few weeks. Micah makes the obligatory douchey jokes about the camera going in the bedroom and talks to it as if it were a child, and I gleefully start the countdown to his death. He and Katie hang out for a bit and she hears a creepy noise that turns out to be the ice maker. Totally scary!
Before they go to bed that night, they set up the camera on a tripod across from their bed to capture the magic, as it were. They sleep with their bedroom door open, which I find really odd, as nobody I know who is over the age of 10 does that. Anyhoodle, this begins night numero uno. The footage fast forwards a few hours to 2 a.m., when a loud rumbling noise can now be heard inside the bedroom. Something rattles downstairs a few seconds later. That's it. Are we shaking in our boots yet? The next morning, Katie heads downstairs to make breakfast for her man and discovers her car keys have been tossed onto the kitchen floor, which she accuses Micah of doing. Really? Do you know many people who make it a habit to randomly toss others' belongings on the floor, Katie? Because if you do, it may be time to make some new friends.

Aaaaaaanyway, Katie has made an appointment for a psychic to stop by the house today and give her his opinion about what may be going on in the house, and he is late. Micah, being a smartass, makes a crack about how a psychic should be able to predict traffic jams and leave earlier. Then he makes the same lame joke when the psychic shows up. Shut up, Micah. Just shut your stupid mouth. Basically, this whole scene with the psychic exists to shove exposition down our throats. We learn that Katie used to experience ghostly happenings as a kid before her childhood home was destroyed by a fire. Then she gives him a tour of the house and explains the various scratchings, whispers, and creakings that have been going on lately. The psychic concludes that this is all probably demon activity because it's been following her since childhood, that the video camera is most likely pissing it off, and that he doesn't deal with this shit. He gives her the phone number of a demonologist before peacing out. Micah, being an asshole, forbids Katie to call the demonologist, because what does it say about the size of his manhood if he can't control a damn demon infestation in his own house? Micah aint afraid of no ghosts. Er...demons. Whatever.
That night, the video camera captures their bedroom door swinging back and forth. Yay. Micah reviews the footage the next morning and asks Katie if she can do something to make the demon come back, apparently ignoring the part where Katie says that it scares her and she doesn't want to. Later, he hears her scream bloody murder while he's jamming on his guitar, but he makes sure to take the time to grab the camera before running to see what's going on. Micah, I hate you. So very much. Anyway, this turns out to be a false scare, because Katie just saw a spider in the bathroom. Continuing his mission to the biggest tool who ever lived, Micah crows on and on that night about how fuck-awesome it is that he's captured rare demon activity on film, while Katie is all "Great, but it's after ME you dipshit," and pleads with him to promise that he'll knock off the video camera shit if the activity gets any worse, which he agrees to. Yeah, right. I believe your word like I believe in the Easter Bunny, Micah.

The movie now skips ahead to Night #5, in which Katie does that stupid movie thing where someone has a nightmare and they wake up and immediately sit bolt upright in bed. Who the hell does that? Nobody, because it's physically impossible. Try it. Go lay down on your bed and try to quickly sit upright. Go on, I'll wait. It was difficult, right? Now imagine doing it when you're still half asleep. It can't be done. Anyway, then she and Micah hear a loud noise downstairs. I hope it's the demon screwing around with Micah's expensive computer equipment, preferably downloading porn from only the shadiest corners of the internet so that the hard drive becomes riddled with viruses that can only be removed by fire. Unfortunately, the next morning his computer is fine. Damn. He reviews the footage and suggests to Katie that maybe they should buy a Ouija board to communicate with the demon, because Micah is a stupid ass-waffle. Katie shoots this down and makes him promise that he won't do that.
Skipping ahead to Night #13, Micah notes that there has not been any significant demon activity in about a week. So naturally, he goes around the house calling out to the demon and saying shit like "You're worthless nyah nyah nyah." STFU, MICAH. DAMN. That's just going to piss it off again, you ass. Sure enough, that night they are awakened to the sound of a loud growl and a bang. They go downstairs and discover the chandelier swinging away. Good job, Micah. You douche. Katie once again asks him to please stop with the camera and he once again ignores her, telling her they NEED to document this and that it's fun. The eye-rolling. It is beginning to hurt.

On Night #15, the camera captures Katie getting out of bed, where she stands and stares down at Micah for 2 hours. This is probably not demonic activity as much as much as it is her thinking dark, murderous thoughts about what a douche nozzle he is. Then she leaves the room and sits outside on the porch swing in a trance for awhile before going back to bed with no recollection of what just happened. Naturally, when she sees the footage the next morning she's freaked out and really wants to call that demonologist, and Micah still won't let her. Micah needs a kick in the ass with a spiked boot, especially for what he does next, which is bring a Ouija board into the house. Katie, of course, is all "WTF, you promised you wouldn't," to which Micah replies calmly that he promised he wouldn't BUY a board, not that he wouldn't BORROW one. Really? REALLY? There are no words to adequately describe the amount of asswipery going on here. Katie is understandably pissed and storms out of the house, with Micah not far behind her, leaving the Ouija unattended in full view of the camera, which is when this happens:
When they get home, Micah has the balls of steel to ask Katie to help him decipher the message that is now burned into the board. She replies by kicking him out of the bedroom for the night. HAHAHA. Terrific. Teeerific. She lets him back in it only after making him swear (on camera) that he will never ever betray her trust again. Mmm-hmm. You still put faith in what that assclown says, Katie? You're a foolish kind of chick. Anyway, Micah is on his own as far as figuring out what the Ouija board is trying to tell him. My guess would be "Douchebag," but apparently it says "Diane." Hmmm. Who's Diane? Nobody knows. It's not important right now anyway, because Micah has come up with another stupid plan to try in place of calling the damn demonologist. *Siiigh* He's going to pour powder all over the floor upstairs and see if the demon leaves footprints. Um...this helps how, exactly? I fail to see how this whole situation is any better now that they know the demon has chicken feet.
Micah and Katie follow the chicken prints to the upstairs storage closet, where they discover that the attic door on the ceiling is ajar. Well. Chickens do have wings, you know. Micah goes up there and finds a picture of Katie at 8 years old, which is singed around the edges, which is very weird indeed, because all her childhood pictures were lost in that house fire we heard about earlier. Katie finally grows a pair and is all "Screw this, I'm calling the demonologist." And she does, ignoring Micah's whining in the background that they need to discuss it first. STFU, Micah. Unfortunately, the demonologist is out of town. Figures. Night falls yet again, and the demon steps it up a notch by making a bunch of loud bangs instead of just one like it usually does, concluding by slamming their bedroom door. Then it scratches the hell out of Micah's face in a photograph on the wall. Because the demon hates Micah as much as I do.
Since she was unable to reach the demonologist, Katie asks the same psychic guy from before to come back and help. He takes three steps inside the house and is all "I can't stay in here, the demon is pissed. Peace." Well, that was extremely unhelpful. Even more unhelpful is when Micah finally figures out that Diane of the Ouija board had all of the same stuff happen to her in the 60s that is happening to Katie now. That's very interesting, Micah, but it doesn't exactly help the situation, now does it? Skipping ahead to Night #20, Katie gets pulled out of bed by an unseen force and dragged downstairs. Shit's getting real now, so they make plans to leave the house for awhile. Before they can leave, however, Katie goes into another trance and is all "We should stay." Whatever you say.

So, Night #21. Katie repeats the whole "get out of bed, stare at Micah, leave the room" bit from earlier. This time, she screams from downstairs and Micah comes running (for once leaving the camera). A struggle is heard, and then footsteps come a-walkin' up the stairs slowly. And then suddenly, Micah's dead body is thrown quite forcefully at the camera. Hold on, I need to celebrate.
Ahem. Anyway, Katie comes walking into the room after the Great Corpse Toss, covered in Micah's blood, a sight which did bring a tear of joy to my eye. What? He should have let her call the damn demonologist when all this crap started happening. He got what he deserved. Possessed-By-The-Demon Katie smiles creepily, then lunges at the camera. A short written epilogue explains that Micah's body was found a few days later, and that nobody knows where Katie is. Roll credits.
And there you have it. If anyone has any suggestions for what I should recap next, I'm all ears.

"Jodie Is...What's The Word..Dead" or The Amityville Horror (2005)

Yes, I know. I've been promising this recap for, like, a hundred years. Unfortunately, real life has been flaring in a huge way over the past week, and so I really, truly didn't have a spare moment to work on the blog. But enough about that, let's get to recapping us some bad horror movies! Isn't that the reason you came here?

So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.

This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!

And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.

Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.

So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?

The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.

So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.

Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.

It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!


Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.

Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.

Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.

Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.

A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.

Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.

George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.

Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?

While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.

The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.

Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.

To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.

GAH!

Well, guys, I did have a recap ready to go for today (Amityville Horror, the remake, aka the stuff snark was friggin' made of). Unfortunately, Blogger decided to be a cruel bitch as I was trying to add pictures to my post and, as a result, I lost the whole damn thing. Still not sure how exactly that happened, but such is life. Soooooo, I'm going to be working on rewriting it from my copious notes when I can find a few minutes here and there, and it should be done within a few days.

'The Exorcist' In Theaters? Yes, Please!

So, whilst browsing the internet the other day, I came across the most wonderful piece of news ever. Which is to say, The Exorcist is being re-released into theaters nationwide for one night only at the end of September. Holy mother of shit. Granted, it's the Version You've Never Seen That You've Actually Seen A Million Times, but still. I was too young to go see it the last time it was re-released, so I am all over this.

Recaps are a-comin'. Within the week, hopefully. Stay tuned.