"Miiiicaaaaaah!" or Paranormal Activity (2009)

Well hell, this recap is damn late. Fun fact: I started writing this in January right before getting the mother of all flu viruses and being pretty much confined to bed for 3 weeks. Know what there is to do when you don't have the energy to leave your bed? Nothing. Nothing but watch Lifetime movies set the women's movement back 100 years. But anyway...
Paranormal Activity. The Blair Witch Project of the new millennium. Is it scary? Yes, the first time you see it. Does it hold up well after multiple viewings? Sort of. Do its flaws stand out like a clown in church after it's been played five hundred times on cable and you keep it on as background noise while you work? Hell yes. I've absolutely been itching to recap this one for quite awhile. Now that it's been out for awhile, the sequel has just hit DVD, and the second sequel is arriving in theaters this fall, I think enough people have seen it so that a good recap can be appreciated by everybody.

So, Paranormal Activity is the story of Micah and Katie, a young couple in what I assume is their early 20s, who have oodles of time to hang around in their multi-million dollar mansion all day. So, right away we're heading onto the last train to Suspended Disbeliefville, population 2, even before the ghostly stuff starts. The movie explains this away by saying that Micah is a day trader, despite spending a grand total of 2 minutes of screen time actually "working". He must make most of his money by being a full time asshole, as will be evidenced by his behavior throughout this entire movie. Katie is a student majoring in Never Going To Class Ever. The movie opens by informing you that they're both already dead and that this movie is home video footage that was found in their house. Thanks for killing the suspense in less than 2 seconds, title card!

Cut to Katie arriving home (probably NOT from class) in her Nice Ass Car™ and asking Micah how much money he spent on the top of the line video camera he is currently shoving in her face. Micah replies that he spent half of all the money he made that day. Holy. Shit. Where do I apply for that job? Anyway. The purpose of the camera is for them to document the paranormal activity (see what I did there?) that has been plaguing them in the house for the past few weeks. Micah makes the obligatory douchey jokes about the camera going in the bedroom and talks to it as if it were a child, and I gleefully start the countdown to his death. He and Katie hang out for a bit and she hears a creepy noise that turns out to be the ice maker. Totally scary!
Before they go to bed that night, they set up the camera on a tripod across from their bed to capture the magic, as it were. They sleep with their bedroom door open, which I find really odd, as nobody I know who is over the age of 10 does that. Anyhoodle, this begins night numero uno. The footage fast forwards a few hours to 2 a.m., when a loud rumbling noise can now be heard inside the bedroom. Something rattles downstairs a few seconds later. That's it. Are we shaking in our boots yet? The next morning, Katie heads downstairs to make breakfast for her man and discovers her car keys have been tossed onto the kitchen floor, which she accuses Micah of doing. Really? Do you know many people who make it a habit to randomly toss others' belongings on the floor, Katie? Because if you do, it may be time to make some new friends.

Aaaaaaanyway, Katie has made an appointment for a psychic to stop by the house today and give her his opinion about what may be going on in the house, and he is late. Micah, being a smartass, makes a crack about how a psychic should be able to predict traffic jams and leave earlier. Then he makes the same lame joke when the psychic shows up. Shut up, Micah. Just shut your stupid mouth. Basically, this whole scene with the psychic exists to shove exposition down our throats. We learn that Katie used to experience ghostly happenings as a kid before her childhood home was destroyed by a fire. Then she gives him a tour of the house and explains the various scratchings, whispers, and creakings that have been going on lately. The psychic concludes that this is all probably demon activity because it's been following her since childhood, that the video camera is most likely pissing it off, and that he doesn't deal with this shit. He gives her the phone number of a demonologist before peacing out. Micah, being an asshole, forbids Katie to call the demonologist, because what does it say about the size of his manhood if he can't control a damn demon infestation in his own house? Micah aint afraid of no ghosts. Er...demons. Whatever.
That night, the video camera captures their bedroom door swinging back and forth. Yay. Micah reviews the footage the next morning and asks Katie if she can do something to make the demon come back, apparently ignoring the part where Katie says that it scares her and she doesn't want to. Later, he hears her scream bloody murder while he's jamming on his guitar, but he makes sure to take the time to grab the camera before running to see what's going on. Micah, I hate you. So very much. Anyway, this turns out to be a false scare, because Katie just saw a spider in the bathroom. Continuing his mission to the biggest tool who ever lived, Micah crows on and on that night about how fuck-awesome it is that he's captured rare demon activity on film, while Katie is all "Great, but it's after ME you dipshit," and pleads with him to promise that he'll knock off the video camera shit if the activity gets any worse, which he agrees to. Yeah, right. I believe your word like I believe in the Easter Bunny, Micah.

The movie now skips ahead to Night #5, in which Katie does that stupid movie thing where someone has a nightmare and they wake up and immediately sit bolt upright in bed. Who the hell does that? Nobody, because it's physically impossible. Try it. Go lay down on your bed and try to quickly sit upright. Go on, I'll wait. It was difficult, right? Now imagine doing it when you're still half asleep. It can't be done. Anyway, then she and Micah hear a loud noise downstairs. I hope it's the demon screwing around with Micah's expensive computer equipment, preferably downloading porn from only the shadiest corners of the internet so that the hard drive becomes riddled with viruses that can only be removed by fire. Unfortunately, the next morning his computer is fine. Damn. He reviews the footage and suggests to Katie that maybe they should buy a Ouija board to communicate with the demon, because Micah is a stupid ass-waffle. Katie shoots this down and makes him promise that he won't do that.
Skipping ahead to Night #13, Micah notes that there has not been any significant demon activity in about a week. So naturally, he goes around the house calling out to the demon and saying shit like "You're worthless nyah nyah nyah." STFU, MICAH. DAMN. That's just going to piss it off again, you ass. Sure enough, that night they are awakened to the sound of a loud growl and a bang. They go downstairs and discover the chandelier swinging away. Good job, Micah. You douche. Katie once again asks him to please stop with the camera and he once again ignores her, telling her they NEED to document this and that it's fun. The eye-rolling. It is beginning to hurt.

On Night #15, the camera captures Katie getting out of bed, where she stands and stares down at Micah for 2 hours. This is probably not demonic activity as much as much as it is her thinking dark, murderous thoughts about what a douche nozzle he is. Then she leaves the room and sits outside on the porch swing in a trance for awhile before going back to bed with no recollection of what just happened. Naturally, when she sees the footage the next morning she's freaked out and really wants to call that demonologist, and Micah still won't let her. Micah needs a kick in the ass with a spiked boot, especially for what he does next, which is bring a Ouija board into the house. Katie, of course, is all "WTF, you promised you wouldn't," to which Micah replies calmly that he promised he wouldn't BUY a board, not that he wouldn't BORROW one. Really? REALLY? There are no words to adequately describe the amount of asswipery going on here. Katie is understandably pissed and storms out of the house, with Micah not far behind her, leaving the Ouija unattended in full view of the camera, which is when this happens:
When they get home, Micah has the balls of steel to ask Katie to help him decipher the message that is now burned into the board. She replies by kicking him out of the bedroom for the night. HAHAHA. Terrific. Teeerific. She lets him back in it only after making him swear (on camera) that he will never ever betray her trust again. Mmm-hmm. You still put faith in what that assclown says, Katie? You're a foolish kind of chick. Anyway, Micah is on his own as far as figuring out what the Ouija board is trying to tell him. My guess would be "Douchebag," but apparently it says "Diane." Hmmm. Who's Diane? Nobody knows. It's not important right now anyway, because Micah has come up with another stupid plan to try in place of calling the damn demonologist. *Siiigh* He's going to pour powder all over the floor upstairs and see if the demon leaves footprints. Um...this helps how, exactly? I fail to see how this whole situation is any better now that they know the demon has chicken feet.
Micah and Katie follow the chicken prints to the upstairs storage closet, where they discover that the attic door on the ceiling is ajar. Well. Chickens do have wings, you know. Micah goes up there and finds a picture of Katie at 8 years old, which is singed around the edges, which is very weird indeed, because all her childhood pictures were lost in that house fire we heard about earlier. Katie finally grows a pair and is all "Screw this, I'm calling the demonologist." And she does, ignoring Micah's whining in the background that they need to discuss it first. STFU, Micah. Unfortunately, the demonologist is out of town. Figures. Night falls yet again, and the demon steps it up a notch by making a bunch of loud bangs instead of just one like it usually does, concluding by slamming their bedroom door. Then it scratches the hell out of Micah's face in a photograph on the wall. Because the demon hates Micah as much as I do.
Since she was unable to reach the demonologist, Katie asks the same psychic guy from before to come back and help. He takes three steps inside the house and is all "I can't stay in here, the demon is pissed. Peace." Well, that was extremely unhelpful. Even more unhelpful is when Micah finally figures out that Diane of the Ouija board had all of the same stuff happen to her in the 60s that is happening to Katie now. That's very interesting, Micah, but it doesn't exactly help the situation, now does it? Skipping ahead to Night #20, Katie gets pulled out of bed by an unseen force and dragged downstairs. Shit's getting real now, so they make plans to leave the house for awhile. Before they can leave, however, Katie goes into another trance and is all "We should stay." Whatever you say.

So, Night #21. Katie repeats the whole "get out of bed, stare at Micah, leave the room" bit from earlier. This time, she screams from downstairs and Micah comes running (for once leaving the camera). A struggle is heard, and then footsteps come a-walkin' up the stairs slowly. And then suddenly, Micah's dead body is thrown quite forcefully at the camera. Hold on, I need to celebrate.
Ahem. Anyway, Katie comes walking into the room after the Great Corpse Toss, covered in Micah's blood, a sight which did bring a tear of joy to my eye. What? He should have let her call the damn demonologist when all this crap started happening. He got what he deserved. Possessed-By-The-Demon Katie smiles creepily, then lunges at the camera. A short written epilogue explains that Micah's body was found a few days later, and that nobody knows where Katie is. Roll credits.
And there you have it. If anyone has any suggestions for what I should recap next, I'm all ears.

"She Burned Her Hands On A Cold Window!" or Audrey Rose (1977)

If there's one thing we know about the 1970s, it's that, following the success of The Exorcist, Hollywood couldn't churn out more Supernatural Child movies fast enough. Audrey Rose, although it positively reeks of post-Exorcist possession mania, is not actually a bad film. Far from it, actually. It's not excellent, but it's not horrible either. It was, after all, directed by Robert Wise, a horror legend for his 1963 masterpiece, The Haunting. Not to mention The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But, just because the movie has a few things going for it, does not mean that there isn't plenty to snark on. Behold, the poster:

Suitably creepy, I guess. I could do without the little Brooke Shields drawing above the title because it looks kind of random compared to the rest of the poster, but it's ok.

We open on a cold, rainy day, when the titular Audrey Rose and her mother are killed after their car crashes and catches on fire. Eleven years later, we are introduced to the family that we will be watching for the next two hours: Janice and Bill Templeton and their daughter, Ivy. Ivy Templeton, by the way, is one of the most irritating children I have ever seen on film. And it's not really because the character herself is annoying. Well, she is, kind of, but not especially so. No, what makes her REALLY irritating is the fact that the little girl playing her quite obviously got "acting" confused with "whining constantly and making stupid faces."

So anyway, the Templetons are enjoying a fine day of family fun in Central Park, riding bikes and feeding baby seals out of their hands and laughing gaily as they chase balloons together, and I half expect everybody to join hands and engage in a chorus of "It's A Wonderful Day For Pie." I think I just got brain diabetes from all that sugary sweetness. They're having so much wholesome fun that they don't notice the strange bearded fellow who has been stalking them wherever they go all day.

Creeptastic! They go home and Janice develops the 5,948 pictures she took of Ivy's smiling mug that day. She gazes at these pictures adoringly with a sickeningly sweet grin, and I have a feeling that, were this movie set in the present day, Janice would be posting every last one of them on Facebook. And then she would get all offended when nobody commented on them because nobody has time to sit and go through them all. Because they have lives. Ahem.

Janice goes to pick up Ivy from school the next day, and whaddya know? Bearded Man is there looking all suspicious and stuff. And then he follows them home, which is....yeah. Ivy goes on and on about some chick at school who she thinks is a big fat liar because she said she got her period already. Ivy, you're a bitch and nobody cares. Bill comes home and, as Janice gets to work making his martini like a good little '70s housewife, he visits with Ivy. Ivy thinks they should buy Janice a camera that's full of "little dinkys," and I really don't care.

That night, as Janice and Bill are entertaining some friends, Ivy has what I assume is a nightmare, but which sounds more like a hot sex dream, judging by the amount of moaning and panting going on. Janice checks up on her and Ivy tries to angle for a day off school the next day by claiming she doesn't feel well. Janice informs her that she doesn't have a fever or anything, really, to indicate that she's sick, but that she may stay home from school anyway. Because Janice is an enabler. She tries to voice her concerns about Bearded Man to Bill before she turns in for bed, but Bill is already snoring away. Men.

No matter, because Bill has already noticed Bearded Man and his creepy stalking behavior. In particular, he has noticed that Bearded Man seems to enjoy loitering outside of Ivy's school. Bill tries to complain to the police, who are all "Sorry, can't help ya." Since Bearded Man has not actually made physical contact with any of the Templetons, the police can't legally charge him with anything. So, he is free to be creepy for another day. A freedom he exercises by calling Janice at home and asking why Ivy wasn't in school, and later sending her a new purse on top of the groceries Bill brought home. Ivy thinks Bill got her the purse, but seriously, when gifts become involved, this is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY and ass needs to start being kicked, whether any laws have technically been broken or not. That night gives us the first blatant Exorcist homage shot, wherein Ivy lies in bed with her eyes open, staring blankly.

The next morning, Janice checks the mail to discover that Bearded Man has sent them a newspaper clipping containing a short biography of himself. They now know his name (Elliot Hoover), but not much else that would explain why he's creepily stalking their 11 year old. Janice and Bill discuss the clipping over lunch, which cuts awkwardly to a scene of Janice having a fainting spell in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason. Seriously, there's no explanation for it and it's never mentioned again. Because of it, Janice arrives at Ivy's school to pick her up and finds it completely empty. Running like a lunatic through the streets, she runs right into Elliot Hoover, who, quite politely, informs her that he not at all creepily helped Ivy across the street after school. Janice tears into the apartment and shakes the hell out of Ivy for following a stranger. Ivy whines and they both dissolve into dramatic bitch tears. The amount of scenery being chewed is astonishing and we're only half an hour in.

That night, Elliot Hoover calls the Templetons and begs them to let him explain himself. Yay. They agree and meet a freshly beardless Elliot at a nearby restaurant, where he tells them a long, convoluted, boring story involving psychics and shit, the short version of which goes like this: His wife and daughter (Audrey Rose) died in a fiery car crash 11 years ago/A psychic told him his daughter was still alive/He believes that Ivy is the reincarnation of her. Totally credible! This little meeting is interrupted when Janice and Bill receive a call from Ivy's babysitter telling them to come home right away because Ivy is having another sex dream nightmare. Could this have something to do with her possession/reincarnation/whatever? Could Hoover be right? THE MIND BOGGLES!

Bill meets with a lawyer friend of his to ask what can be done about Hoover and his ridiculous theories. The lawyer suggests that he invite Hoover over to the apartment and ask him a series of questions in order to get some evidence to build a case against him. Bill does so, with the lawyer hiding on the stairs as a witness. Turns out Hoover can't actually verify any of his story because all the psychics he talked to are dead or something. I dunno. I kind of checked out because it was yet another long and boring Oscar Bait monologue. He tells the Templetons about his time in India, where reincarnation is apparently a widespread belief. He also confirms that Audrey Rose's date and time of death coincides almost exactly with Ivy's time of birth.

In the midst of all this, Ivy walks out into the upstairs hallway and starts freaking out and having a flailing, screaming, waking nightmare while banging on the windows. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Given the acting skills of this kid, it looks more like a 4 year old's tantrum over not being allowed a cookie before supper.

But, I digress. Everyone tries to calm her down, but only Elliot Hoover is successful. He calls her "Audrey Rose" and gives her a hug. This father-daughter reunion, such as it may be, calms Ivy down enough for her to be put back to bed. Bill is pissed that this guy and his charming British accent could calm her down so quickly when he could not. He starts to beat the crap out of Elliot, but stops and just tells him to get the fuck out and don't let the door hit him in the ass. Meanwhile, Janice has noticed something quite odd and troubling about Ivy. It seems she has burned her hands quite severely. When she points this out to Bill, he's all "Must have been the radiator." Janice retorts, with dramatics that would make a 1930's studio star proud, that Ivy wasn't anywhere near the radiator and that her hands were burned on the cold, rainy windows. She also points out that Ivy's nightmares always seems to occur around her birthday (death day?). Bill is like "Bitch, you's crazy," and the topic is dropped.

The next night, Ivy gives her Linda Blair impression another shot (and still fails...miserably so). Janice was smart this time and thought to put a screen in front of Ivy's window. Unfortunately, she neglected to safeguard the stairs, the tables, the lamps, the curtains, and most of the other furniture in the apartment, so Ivy instead crashes into all of those things like a little crack monkey. Bill isn't home, so when the doorman rings and informs Janice that Elliot is in the lobby, she sends him on up. He calls her "Audrey Rose" again. and Ivy makes the ugliest cry face I have ever seen on anybody, ever. Behold:

This is by far the most frightening thing in the movie, for reals. Anyway, Elliot calms her down while Janice sits in the corner and prays. When Ivy has been put back to bed, Janice and Elliot discuss just what the hell is going on here. Elliot theorizes that Ivy is in danger because of the whole "having another person's traumatized soul inside her" thing. If they don't find a way to set Audrey Rose's soul free from Ivy's body, he says, Ivy could totally die. Then he launches into another drawn out speech about the stuff he learned in India about reincarnation. Janice seems to be starting to believe.

When Bill gets home, he is none too pleased to hear that Elliot has been there again. He bitches Janice out, to which she replies "You weren't here, waah waah waah, bitch bitch bitch!" At least, that's what it sounded like to me. The level of hysterics she displays here are truly impressive. Bill decides not to argue and vows to be home more.

The nightmares and freakouts continue unabated. Elliot shows up one night in the middle of a particularly nasty episode for Ivy, and Bill goes absolutely apeshit and starts beating the fuck out of him. The two men have a hilarious brawl in the hallway while people in neighboring apartments step outside their doors and watch, looking only mildly perturbed. Elliot breaks free and barricades himself inside the Templeton's apartment. The po'po arrive and get the door open to discover that Elliot and Ivy are gone. He has taken her up to the apartment he has recently rented on the 8th floor. Hey, whatever makes stalking and kidnapping more convenient for ya. He is, of course, promptly arrested.

Which brings us to the courtroom drama portion of our tale, wherein it must be proven whether or not reincarnation exists. Because I am a total nerd, I notice right off the bat that the judge presiding over Elliot's trial is the same guy who played the psychiatrist in the episode of The Golden Girls where the girls were all pissed at each other and considering moving out. Yay for being a TV junkie! Ahem. Anyway.

While Elliot is being put on trial, Ivy has been sent to a Catholic boarding school. She and some other students are walking in a circle, chanting while some kind of big-ass snowman is being built. I have no idea what that's about, but it sort of reminds me of The Wicker Man. One nasty little snot stops chanting long enough to call Ivy a freak. Cut to the headmistress showing Janice a newspaper confiscated from a student that contains the reincarnation trial story. Oh dear. Janice keeps Ivy overnight at a hotel and they have a heart to heart. Janice wants to take Ivy home and Ivy protests because the Sylvester, the Wicker Snowman, is going to be crowned soon, and dammit, she isn't going to miss it. Uuuum....ok? They discuss reincarnation some, and Ivy waxes poetic about how awesome it would be if everyone would live forever and ever and never die. Shut up, Ivy. If that were to happen, parking spaces would disappear really fast and then Black Friday would suck even more ass than it already does. Embrace the circle of life. Anyway, they go to bed and Janice awakens in the middle of the night to find Ivy standing in front of the bathroom mirror, whispering the name Audrey Rose to herself over and over. And, ok, that is a little bit freaky.

We then segue into some more courtroom scenes, which are really boring so I'm just going to gloss over them. The main thing that happens is that the driver of the car that crashed into Audrey Rose and her mother's car gives testimony and it's really depressing. So yay for more of Ivy's new school! Their evil looking snowman is being crowned in the middle of a bonfire while the children dance and chant something about "Old Man Winter." Except for Ivy, who is entranced by the fire, so much so that she crawls right into it. The headmistress sees this dire situation from an upper story window and nearly yells herself hoarse trying to get the attention of the nun in charge of supervising the Crowning Of The Snowman. The supervising nun is in la-la land and therefore completely oblivious to both Ivy getting up close and personal with the bonfire and the headmistress yelling like a banshee about it. Somebody needs to get demoted.

Ivy is rushed to the hospital to treat her burned face. Bill is furious and asks why the hell there was a bonfire at school in the first place. Good question. Ivy whines like a little bitch and is all "Whyyyyyy did I do that Daddyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" The drawn out syllables are not for dramatic effect here, that's totally how she says it. Meanwhile, Janice is called to the witness stand at Elliot's trial, and her testimony boils down to that she totally believes in reincarnation and that Elliot should be set free because he is Ivy's only hope. Yay.

In light of this, the prosecution develops a radical idea. They will put Ivy under a special hypnosis in order to determine if she remembers anything from a previous life. Even though such a test has never actually been attempted before. Wow, there's NO WAY this can go wrong. Janice is vehemently opposed to this nonsense. Unfortunately, Bill has already agreed and Ivy has been sweet talked into agreeing to it as well. So, hypnosis it shall be.

Ivy is led into a room with a one way mirror with the hypnotist while Elliot, Bill, Janice, and some doctors and court officials watch from the other side. The hypnotist starts the whole "You're getting sleepy, close your eyes" bit, and it takes for freaking ever for her to finally shut her damn eyes. It goes on for so long, in fact, that I am tempted to close MY eyes out of boredom. Anyway, once she's under, she is told to revert back to her 8th birthday party. Then her 4th birthday, where she says something about her cake being homemade and then whines something incoherent. Seriously, I rewound the movie about 5 times and absolutely could not determine what she's crying about. Then she reverts to being a baby. And then, the hypnotist tells her to go back to a time "BEFORE you were BORN." That phrase is apparently this movie's answer to "The power of Christ compels you," because it repeated approximately 76,947 times. Ivy is indeed able to revert to BEFORE she was BORN, because she starts screaming and re-enacting Audrey Rose's death. Complete with choking on smoke and everything.

Seeing that this could potentially have nasty results, the hypnotist quickly attempts to awaken her. For a minute, it seems he has succeeded. However, Ivy goes right back to screaming and choking until she collapses, lifeless, onto the floor. Oops. Good job, Bill. You insisting she go under hypnosis has killed her. You know, again.

Several months later, Janice writes a letter to Elliot thanking him for taking Ivy's ashes to India. Ok, then. The camera pans over Ivy's baby pictures as Janice narrates her letter. She makes no mention of whether or not she has kicked Bill's ass to the curb after he essentially killed their kid, but that's what happened in my noodle. Roll credits.

Stay tuned for next time, when we recap the crap out of The Amityville Horror '05!

"That's the story of..that's the glory of love" or Orphan (2009)

WARNING: THIS IS SPOILER HEAVY! EXTREMELY SO!

If you don't wish to know what, exactly, is wrong with Esther, I suggest you don't read this entry.
Orphan might as well have been called "The Bad Seed Of The Good Son," seeing as how it owes a lot to both those films. However, it does have a kick-ass twist ending that even I didn't see coming, and I can usually spot a twist coming from five states away.

Orphan starts out with a dream sequence in which we figure out that Esther's future adoptive mother, Kate, has had a miscarriage. Hence the reason she and her husband John (John and Kate? Really? LMAO) are planning to adopt. Kate is then shown in a therapy session talking about her drinking problem and pretty much outright admitting that she isn't ready to adopt a kid. After which, she picks up her deaf daughter, Max, from school and then almost kills them both by running a red light. And after THAT, she yells at Max for playing ball too loudly while Mommy is trying to play the piano. Because yelling at a deaf child makes complete and utter sense. Kate is a bitch clearly the most mentally stable person on earth and this adoption thing should absolutely go well for everyone involved.

Skipping ahead several boring scenes (nothing much happens besides Kate angsting some more to John about how she totally isn't ready to adopt, and the introduction of their other kid, Daniel, who is a little shit with an attitude problem), John and Kate arrive at St. Mariana's Home For Girls to pick out their new puppy daughter. Seriously though, the proprietor of this fine establishment just waves her hand and tells them to look around at all the girls and pick one. Somehow I don't think that's how it works. But whatever.

While Kate looks around and smiles at all the happy, playful children running around who are NOT evil, John wanders upstairs and seriously do orphanages REALLY just let people wander around wherever they damn well please? Aren't they concerned with possible kidnappings and such? Anyway, he hears singing and follows the sound to a room where none other than our pint sized psycho Esther sits painting a picture.

She is singing The Glory of Love, which is meant, I guess, to be creepy(?), but which only reminds me of this classic scene from Beaches:


John sits with Esther for a bit while she tells a long and convoluted story about the picture she's painting, and then he introduces her to Kate, whom Esther seems less than thrilled to meet. Nevertheless, she wins them both over with her super creepy high level of intellect for a 9 year old, and they decide they'll take her.

John and Kate have a pow-wow with the headmistress of the orphanage, who neatly delivers us all the background info we need on Esther: her last foster family in Russia died in a house fire that only she survived, she can speak perfect English even though she's only been in America for two years, she insists on always wearing black ribbons around her neck and wrists, and she will fuck your shit up if you ask her to remove them. That last thing right there would be a HUGE red flag if it were me, but J&K are just like "Cool, when can we have her?"

Several days later, they take Esther home to begin her reign of terror. She meets the other kids and Daniel acts like a tool by playing Guitar Hero at top volume while Esther is opening her homecoming presents. She gets her silent revenge by ferociously hugging John (who has been ignoring Daniel's cries of "Dad! Lookit my score!") and giving Daniel a shit eating grin while she does it. I'm going to give Esther applause for that one. *Clap clap*

That night is when Esther performs her first official act as Creepy Queen by barging into the bedroom while the parents are gettin' busy. She claims to be scared of the lightning and demands to be allowed to sleep next to John. Creepy. Anybody else hearing a warning bell in the distance? Show of hands.

The next morning is Esther's first day at school, and problems arise when she descends the stairs dressed like....this:

Kate tactfully tries to persuade Esther that she might not want to show up for her first day of school dressed like Vicki from Small Wonder, and suggests some jeans instead, to which Esther is like "Fuck that" and insists that she LIKES being different, dammit. Kate was right though, because upon Esther's arrival in her new classroom a particularly snotty little bitch in the front row makes a crack about Little Bo Peep wanting her dress back. Esther gives her bitch face, and we can safely assume that this chick is now on her Death List.

And now, for our first homage to The Good Son. Daniel accidentally shoots a bird with his paintball gun and it's still alive. Esther hands him a rock and is like "Put it out of it's misery." Daniel doesn't want to, so Esther takes matters into her own hands.

I think we're supposed to believe she's all evil and shit for doing this, except for the fact that she was TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY RIGHT to do it. Seriously, if she wanted to be evil about it she could have just let the bird lay there and die slowly while she ate popcorn and watched. The only thing we should notice is that she is strangely nonchalant about it. Almost as though she's killed before. Hmmmmm.

That night, Esther locks the door to the bathroom so nobody can come in while she takes a shower. Kate isn't having this and is all "We never lock doors in this house." I have to say, I'm kind of on Esther's side here. She's in a new house with a family she isn't used to. If it makes her more comfortable to shower with a locked door, then whatever. She isn't three years old or anything, so the chances of her slipping and falling are pretty slim. Anyway, Esther gets her way about the lock so long as she sings so Kate will know she's all right. So, as Esther is performing her Glory of Love number in the shower, Kate takes the opportunity to snoop through her stuff and finds an old Bible with a picture of some dude in it. Interesting.

Speaking of Esther's Bible, in school the next day the same chick who made the Bo Peep crack knocks the Bible right out of Esther's hands and pages go scattering everywhere. Then she makes a grab for Esther's neck ribbon and Esther freaks the hell out and starts screaming bloody murder. If that snotty girl wasn't marked before, she's fucked now.

Life goes on peacefully for a time. Kate attempts to bond with Esther by giving her piano lessons and making her a scrapbook of her new family. Then she shows her the memorial plant in the greenhouse, the soil of which contains the dead baby's ashes. Somehow I get the feeling that Esther is going to do something to the plant. Call it watching many evil child movies over the years, all of them the same a hunch.

That night, as John and Kate are having sex in the kitchen (always a great idea when you have three children in the house who could walk in at any moment) they suddenly notice that Esther is watching them and giving them bitch face.

The next day, feeling rightfully awkward, Kate attempts to explain to Esther what she saw by way of a birds-and-bees talk. Esther puts the brakes on this conversation by informing Kate that she knows very well what grownups do when they're in love: "They fuck." Kate is obviously taken aback by hearing it so knowingly put that way by a 9 year old and decides Esther needs to go to therapy before she starts teaching the other children to swear. Fair enough.

But before that can happen, Esther's got some business to take care of. On a visit to the park, she decides it's time to take care of that bitchy girl who made fun of her clothes, knocked away her Bible, and tried to touch her goddamn ribbon. She accomplishes this by following the girl to the jungle gym and pushing her off the highest point. She hasn't killed her, just broken her leg. I think she got her point across.

That night at dinner, Kate and John are like "Um...Esther, why did you push that chick off the jungle gym?" and Esther denies doing any such thing. And the whole issue is just pushed aside because K&J are SUCH great parents. During this same meal, that little shit Daniel edges himself ever closer to incurring Esther's wrath by criticizing both her Russian accent and the way she eats (which, incidentally, is the proper way; cutting the meat with her knife and fork and such). He suggests she should go "back to Transylvania" and Esther is like "I'm from Russia, you dillweed. Transylvania is a part of Romania." Not in those exact words, of course. Even so, snaps for Esther. That was a particularly fine display of ownage. This pisses Daniel off and he insults Esther some more, prompting his parents to finally step in and do some goddamn parenting by telling him to "apologize to your sister." Daniel retorts "She's NOT my fucking sister!" and gets his treehouse locked until he's ready to apologize. Good. He deserves it.

Kate takes Esther and Max to the grocery store, where she receives a call from the orphanage lady on her top-of-the-line iPhone, which she makes sure to position so that shiny Apple logo is facing the camera at all times. Product placement at its finest.

Anyway, the orphanage lady is calling to remind Kate that she needs to drop off Esther's dental records, and Kate says that Esther has thus far REFUSED to go to the dentist. Something tells me this is another warning bell that should be noted. Another one comes right after this scene, as Kate walks in on Esther flawlessly playing classical music on the piano even though a) Esther had said she didn't know how to play and b) has only had a few lessons with Kate so far. That little liar. Kate is like 'Why did you lie?" and Esther replies that she merely pretended not to know because she thought Kate would enjoy teaching somebody, seeing as how Daniel couldn't give less of a shit and Max is deaf. I'm not sure whether this is touching or a huge burn, so let's go with a middle ground and say it's both. Kate and John fight loudly over this very issue later that night, as Esther listens to them in her room and smiles. Hmmm...

Next morning, the orphanage lady pays the family a visit, much to Esther's chagrin. This is because the orphanage lady has some stuff to tell John and Kate that she conveniently forgot to disclose before Esther was adopted out. Firstly, at her old school some kid "accidentally" stabbed himself through the jaw with scissors and Esther was suspiciously present at the scene. And secondly, that fire in her old family's house that only she escaped was caused by arson. Both of these things would have been extremely helpful to know before anyone adopted the little demon child, don't you agree? Naturally, Esther is listening to all of this and damn it if she's going to let that orphanage bitch ruin the good thing she's got going here. She enlists the help of Max by telling her that there's a "mean lady" who has come to take her away and won't Max help her? Max agrees to this, presumably because she saw what Esther did at the playground and has decided it would be best to not get on her bad side. Or, you know, because Esther points a gun at her head and invites her to play Russian Roulette if she doesn't.

So, as the orphanage lady is leaving the house, Esther and Max are waiting for her by an overpass. The plan is for Max to rush out in front of the car so that the woman will have to stop and get out, at which point Esther will ambush her with a hammer to the skull. That's....a fucking terrifying plan coming from the head of a 9 year old. Especially since Esther succeeds in killing her, making Max help her hide the body. Ho. Lee. Shit. This kid doesn't fuck around, that much is clear. Macaulay Culkin WISHES he was this badass in The Good Son. When the deed is finished the girls get into Daniel's treehouse. As Esther washes the blood off her face and hides the evidence in a backpack under the floorboard, she warns Max not to say anything because she can be sent to jail for helping hide the body. This poor kid is going to be traumatized forever when all this is over.

Daniel sees them exit the treehouse and is all "WTF?" Unfortunately, Esther knows he was watching and ambushes him in bed that night with a pair of scissors to the throat. She warns him that he better not open his fat mouth and blab or else she'll cut off a certain bodily appendage. For all her evilness, Esther has her awesome moments. She has her first therapy session the next day and manages to win over the therapist with her creepy-kid charm. As the therapist has a private pow-wow with the parents (and basically says that all the perceived problems with Esther are all in Kate's head), Esther has a random temper tantrum in the bathroom. Meanwhile, the body of Sister Abigail (the orphanage lady) has been found and Kate is, to say the least, a tad suspicious of Esther by now. John, however, is firmly in the camp of believing Esther isn't capable of such a thing because she's a child. Whatever. Esther is in her room flicking a fluorescent light on and off in order for us to see that she has painted decidedly ghoulish pictures with fluorescent paint over the normal ones she has been doing.

Kate has had enough and decides she's going to investigate into Esther's past. She soon finds that the Russian orphanage that Esther supposedly was at before St. Mariana's has no record of her. How odd. One wonders how she even came to be with the previous, burned-to-a-crisp foster family, then. The next morning is supposed to be Esther's dentist appointment and she REALLY doesn't want to go. This dentist thing must be especially important, because this is the second time it's been mentioned. John is the only parent home so he agrees to let Esther skip her appointment and the two of them sit and paint pictures together. Esther complains that it doesn't seem like Kate is all that enchanted with her, so John suggests that maybe she (Esther) could do something nice for Kate. This is where my earlier prediction about the memorial plant comes true, as Esther's good deed is to pick flowers for Kate. From the plant.

Needless to say, Kate is fucking pissed and would probably have beaten Esther to a pulp if Esther hadn't broken free from Kate's death grip and ran upstairs. Kate is all "She did that on purpose!!!!!" and John takes Esther's side and insists that she was merely trying to do something nice. John is kind of an idiot and is starting to annoy me.

Esther, meanwhile, seizes the opportunity presented to her by Kate grabbing her so hard in her fury over the plant. While everybody is sleeping that night, she quietly sneaks out to the garage and breaks her own arm, then wakes John up and tells him Kate did it. This kid is smart. A calculating bitch, but smart. John takes Esther to the hospital (which I have an issue with, and I will explain what that is when we get to the ending) and makes Kate sleep on the couch when they get home, while he stays in the bedroom with Esther to make sure she's ok. Kate goes out to the liquor store and buys two bottles of wine, but ends up pouring them down the sink because damn if she's going back off the wagon. Good for you, Kate.

The next morning in the school parking lot, while Kate is attending to Daniel's broken backpack, Esther quietly puts the car in reverse and releases the emergency brake, causing the car (with Max inside) to go a-rollin' down a hill and land in a pile of snow. Max is fine, but Kate is at the breaking point and tells John she wants Esther out of the damn house. John replies by producing Kate's empty wine bottles and says either she goes to rehab or he's going to leave with the kids. Meanwhile, Daniel seizes the opportunity while Esther is in the shower to ask Max what she knows about her. Instead of just conducting this conversation is sign language, he speaks and signs at the same time so that Esther will be sure to hear every freaking word he says. Because he is a dumbass.

Esther turns up the bad-assery up a notch that night by letting Kate know that she's read her diary, and even quotes a passage about the miscarriage to prove it. Then she ominously remarks that Kate has taken her family for granted and that it's too late. Creepy. Kate steps up her investigation by harrassing St. Mariana's for information, but they don't have any. She decides that maybe Esther's Bible contains some helpful hints, and discovers that a) there are several pictures of different men hidden amongst the pages and b) the Bible was issued at some sort of institution. Good to know.

The next day, Kate calls the institution and discovers that it's not an orphanage, but a mental hospital. Kate thinks maybe Esther's birth mother was a patient and faxes the institute a picture of Esther. Meanwhile, Daniel breaks into his treehouse looking for the evidence Esther hid there. Unfortunately for him, Esther is waiting for him. She traps him in there and sets it on fire, and he injures his neck jumping to the ground.

So, everyone winds up at the hospital. This was actually not Esther's plan, as she had been intending to kill him with a large fallen log but was interrupted. While John and Kate are arguing over whether Esther is the guilty party, Esther and Max, along with John's mother, are sitting in the waiting room. Esther asks Grandma if she can have a dollar for the soda machine. Grandma replies that Kate wants Esther to stay where she is, pauses, and gives her a dollar. Grandma is kind of a bitch, but that was hilarious. Esther is not, of course, going to the soda machine. She is actually going to Daniel's room to finish him off, which she almost accomplishes, except that the doctors manage to revive him. Kate is on the warpath and when Esther comes around the corner drinking a Mountain Dew like nothing is wrong, Kate knocks her to the ground and is sedated.

Since Kate must stay the night at the hospital, John takes Max and Esther home. This is when Esther puts her master plan into action. She starts by taking one of Kate's little black dresses and cutting it to fit her. Then she puts on 500 pounds of hooker makeup. I think I know where this is going, and I am uncomfortable. And I'm right, because Esther makes her way downstairs and plops down next to John on the couch looking like this:

It's a far cry from the Laura Ingalls look she's been sporting this whole movie, that's for damn sure. John is drunk and doesn't even know half of what's going on, although he does take a moment to ask her what exactly is up with the pancake makeup before half passing out again. The uncomfortableness is turned up to eleven when Esther starts trying to kiss him. Thankfully, John gathers his wits enough to bolt up off the couch and be all "What the HELL?" He tells her to go to her room and expect to be sent back to the orphanage as soon as can be arranged. Esther is all "Stop talking to me like I'm a child!"

Have you figured out what the big twist is yet? Go on, think about it. Or just keep reading.

At the hospital, Kate receives a call from the institution. They have received the picture of Esther that was faxed over earlier, and they've got some surprising news for Kate. The picture, they say, is not of a little girl at all. No, it's a picture of a former patient of theirs named Leena who, according to their records, was born in 1976. That's right. Esther's secret is that she is a 33 year old woman with proportional dwarfism.

I know. I was shocked too. I'll give you a moment to go back over all the evidence that now adds up. The neck and wrist ribbons (they cover up scars from her trying to escape her strait jacket). The Raggedy Ann dresses (they hide her boobs and hips better than jeans and T shirts). The locked bathroom door. The whole dentist thing. Remember when I said I took issue with her being taken to the hospital for the broken arm? They would have totally been able to figure out she wasn't a child when they took her x-ray and saw her bones. But I guess I'll let that little plot hole slide.

Apparently, Esther/Leena's MO is to be adopted by a family and eventually try to seduce the father. If she fails, everybody is killed. So it doesn't take a genius to figure out what her next course of action is. As Kate breaks out of the hospital and hightails it home, Esther turns the power off and quickly stabs John to death while Max watches. There's no way that child won't be seriously fucked up for life after this is over. No way. Kate arrives home and tries to find Max while Esther hunts down both of them. Girl is on the warpath and she's going to kick ass and take names.

A chase ensues that ends up in the greenhouse, where Kate smashes the ceiling on top of Esther and assumes she is dead. She isn't, of course. That would be too easy for a film such as this. As the cops arrive (about 30 minutes after Kate called them...wonderful law enforcement department they have there), Esther ambushes Kate outside near a frozen pond and they both fall in. Max saves the day by shooting the fuck out of Esther, distracting her enough for Kate to kick her square in the neck. And all's well that ends well.

On the whole, Orphan wasn't really anything new or ground breaking, but I do have to give it points for having a relatively original twist.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for next time when I recap the hell out of Exorcist II: The Heretic.

"They're All Gonna Laugh At You," or Carrie (1976)

OMG, it's a new post!! Well, sort of. While browsing through my old Myspace blog posts, some of which date back almost four years, I came across my very first horror movie review, from the ancient time known as 2006, when I was 18 and just testing my blogging skills. The review was for Carrie, that 1976 Brian DePalma classic about telekinetic fury. While Carrie doesn't exactly fit in with our "So-bad-it's-good" theme here, I figured my review deserved a better home than Myspace, so here it is. Enjoy this recap written by 18 year old me.
We begin in the ultimate teenage hell: a gym class volleyball game. Among the dozen or so girls playing in matching yellow gym suits, we get our first look at Carrie. She's easy to pick out, because she's the one being verbally berated by everybody else for sucking at volleyball.
See? One of them just hit her in the head with a baseball cap! Bitches. Carrie, apparently accustomed to such abuse, just takes it all in stride and, after another equally ill-intentioned classmate informs her that "You eat shit!", she stands for a minute looking only mildly dejected before heading off to the showers with the rest of them. And it is in the gym showers that we get our first real look at how much of a misfit Carrie is and how ridiculously bitchy these girls are.

While going about her business in the shower, Carrie, to put it delicately, gets her first Monthly Visitor. And because her mother never (and we do mean NEVER..we'll get into that more later) sat her down and told her about the facts of life, Carrie has absolutely no idea what's going on and thinks she's hemmoraging to death. So of course she absolutely freaks the fuck out and comes stampeding out of the shower screaming bloody murder (no pun intended). Seeing as how we're dealing with a bunch of unsympathetic bitches, though, what she's greeted with is this:
Yep, bitches start throwing tampons at her and chanting obscenities. The mannerly young lady pictured above is Chris Hargensen, the biggest bitch of them all, and as such, the leader of all the other bitches. We're talking Regina George from Mean Girls, only about 150% more evil. So, Carrie is cowering in the corner of the shower, with feminine hygiene products raining down on her like rice at a wedding. Eventually the gym teacher makes an appearance and stops the shenanigans, but only after an overhead lightbulb bursts, seemingly on its own (Plot point!). In the next scene, before Carrie is sent home for the day due to the trauma she just endured in the shower, the principal's ashtray mysteriously flies across the room after he calls her 'Cassie' one too many times.
See? There it goes. What the light bulb and the ashtray serve to tell us, of course, is that Carrie's got the telekinesis. She can MOVE SHIT WITH HER MIND. Only she doesn't know it yet. But she will soon and then shit is gonna go down big time. But we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. It's at this point in the movie that it's time to meet Carrie's mother.
Meet Carrie's mother. At first glance you might think she's just your average, normal but sort-of scarily religious Bible peddler. You'd be wrong. Oh boy howdy, would you be wrong. Wait until she gets the phone call from Carrie's school about what went down in the gym showers. She. gets. PISSED. "Oh sure," you're probably saying. "I don't blame her. I'd probably be pretty pissed too if I found out a bunch of high school age twats threw tampons at my kid after she got her first period in the shower." Nope. That's not what she's pissed about. No, she's mad at Carrie. For getting her period. I don't think you're quite taking the journey with me, so I'll say that again.

She's mad at Carrie. For getting her period.

And in case that's not enough evidence by itself that Momma is a bit of a nut, she starts beating Carrie with a Bible and ranting about how she must be an awful sinning harlot to have been visited by the monthly curse of womanhood, because nice God-fearing girls never have to deal with such things. Finally, she just drags Carrie into a closet, locks her in, and orders her to pray to the Scary Jesus Statue.
Christ, look at that thing. Here it is close-up:
I mean, damn! It's a wonder Carrie doesn't have more issues than she does, considering that this is definitely not the first time she's been locked in a closet and forced to pray to THAT. I mean, she's probably been locked in there with that thing since childhood. That would fuck a kid UP! I mean, Jesus....look at the eyes! They're fucking glowing!

Unfortunately, we can't stay in Carrie's closet the whole movie, so now we're back in the same Horror High School from the day before. This is very important, because this is where we the audience meet Tommy Ross.
That's him in the front, with the girlish blonde curls that were apparently all the rage for teenage boys in the late 70s. Carrie has a total crush on him. Unfortunately, his girlfriend is Sue Snell (a young Amy Irving), one of the Tampax throwers from the beginning of the movie. Incidentally, the girl behind Tommy with the red hat is Norma, best friend of Chris Hargensen and just as bitchy. Remember all this.

Now, listen carefully. Here's the deal. All the guilty tampon throwers have received a week's detention and must report to the gym every day after school for serious calisthenics. However, Chris fancies herself too good for that and downright refuses to serve her detention, for which she is suspended for a week and denied her prom tickets. Oh horrors! Meanwhile, Sue (Tommy's girlfriend) realizes what they did to Carrie was super shitty and, revealing herself to have a pretty good heart underneath it all, decides to make it up to her by having Tommy take Carrie to the prom (which by default would make Carrie a nominee for Prom Queen, since she would essentially be taking Sue's place). When Chris gets wind of this, she doesn't like it one bit. No siree. See, the way Chris figures it, it's all Carrie's damn fault that she's locked out of the prom. It's because of Carrie that she got the detention that she didn't serve. It's because of Carrie that she's not going to get to put on her stupid prom dress and dance the night away with her boyfriend. So Chris, being a bitch and all, comes up with the ultimate revenge plan, which we'll get to in just a minute. First let's see what Carrie is up to.
Reading up on her psychic mind powers, that's what she's doing. And now that she knows she's got telekinesis, she decides "Hey! I can totally kick ass and take names with just my sheer mind-force. I don't care what Momma says, I'm going to the motherfucking prom, dammit!" Well, she doesn't SAY that, but it's totally implied that's what she's thinking. Meanwhile, Chris is working on her revenge plan guaranteed to humiliate Carrie in front of the entire school on prom night.
Chris, since all her friends are on the prom committee and are pretty much at her beck and call, is gonna make goddamn sure that Carrie gets crowned prom queen. But first she convinces her boyfriend Billy (above right...yes, that's a young John Travolta) to sneak into the local pig farm and slaughter a few of the pigs. See, the plan is this. They'll put all that pig blood into a bucket and rig it in the rafters right above the spot on stage where the prom queen will be standing. That way, once Carrie is standing there all that has to be done is to pull a rope to knock over the bucket, and there will stand Carrie with the proverbial egg on her face (or blood, as the case may be), once again the butt of the joke in front of everyone. It's at this point that Chris successfully crosses the line from evil bitch into downright diabolical bitch.

But finally, prom night arrives. While Chris and Billy are off putting their evil plan into action, Carrie is at home, trying her best to get ready while her mother stands in the corner and bitches about Carrie's dress.
This is where we get the best two exchanges of dialogue in the whole movie:

#1- Momma: Red. I might have known it would be red.
Carrie: It's pink, Momma.

#2- Momma: I can see your dirtypillows. Everyone will.
Carrie: Breasts, Momma. They're called breasts, and everyone has them.

You go, girl. That line is so absurdly ridiculous I could cry tears of joy at how delightfully cheesy it is.

So after a last ditch attempt by her mother to get her to stay home ("They're all gonna laugh at you!"), Carrie tells her to shut the fuck up and hightails it out the door to go to....THE PROM. *dun dun duuuuuuuuuun*
And boy, what a prom. Nothing says memories like foil stars and disco balls made out of crepe paper. Hard to believe that in about an hour this happy scene will transform into one of pure horror and panic. Incidentally, I know it's kind of hard to tell from this picture, but there's enough hideous examples of 70s promwear here to keep you entertained for hours. Hideous as they are though, at least they're better than the two or three strips of fabric girls usually wear to prom these days. Embrace the 70s, girls. You'll stay a lot warmer.

Anyway, Carrie seems to actually be enjoying herself for once. She doesn't yet know that Chris and Billy are under the stage with a well placed rope, waiting for the right moment to strike. She doesn't know that there's a big bucket of pig blood over the stage and that very soon she'll be the most humiliated she's ever been in her entire life. Right now she's just enjoying a nice dance with Tommy. Meanwhile Sue is making her way over to the prom to check how things are going and make sure Carrie is having a nice time. It's a good thing she isn't there yet though, because if she were she would have seen this:
And that would have just been really awkward for everybody.

But alas, tis time! Tis time to crown the prom king and queen! Yay! Are you ready? I am! And I know Chris sure is.

So, like we all know, Carrie and Tommy are announced as the winners. They make their way to the stage amidst thunderous applause and take their places on the Stage of Tinfoil Stars. It is the calm before the proverbial storm.
But Sue, from her spot near the back of the stage where she's watching, notices the rope connected to the bucket. She tries to tell one of the teachers and is kicked out of the gym for her trouble, just a second before The Moment. The moment this whole entire movie leads to. The moment immortalized on every single piece of memorabelia connected to this film. The moment the blood drops.
Absolute silence reigns in the gymnasium. All you can hear is the clatter of the bucket as it hits Tommy in the head and knocks him unconcious. And then that bitch Norma starts to laugh and point, like the bitch she is. We see things entirely from Carrie's point of view, and in her mind EVERYONE is laughing at her, not just Norma, and her mother's words ("They're all gonna laugh at you!") and the things that were chanted at her in the gym shower run in a continuous sound loop and then...Carrie snaps. Girl has reached her breaking point, and who can blame her? This is the culmination of years of abuse from her classmates from kindergarten until right this moment. This is the absolute last straw, and she isn't going to take it anymore. This time they've gone too far. So, she decides to put her telekinesis to good use and LET THE BITCHES HAVE IT!
Oh yeah. She is PISSED. These bitches are going DOWN! Chris, unfortunately, has already escaped, but she'll get hers later, don't you worry. Now the once happy prom has turned into a scene of absolute pandemonium. Furniture is flying everywhere, the doors are locked, things are on fire, the sprinkler system is on, and people are dying everywhere. Whatever Carrie can throw at people with her telekinesis, she does. And when she's finished, she calmly walks right past the destruction and dead bodies and strolls serenely out the gym doors and away from the blazing school. On her way home, Chris and Billy pass by her and try to run her over with their truck, but evidentally they didn't get the memo about her powers, because she totally causes the truck to flip over and crash, killing both of them.

So anyway, once Carrie arrives home, as if she hasn't had to deal with enough shit tonight to last her the rest of her life, she finds that Momma is waiting for her behind the bathroom door. With a big-ass kitchen knife the likes of which wouldn't be seen again until 2 years later in John Carpenter's Halloween.


Apparently, she has decided that Carrie is a filthy sinner who should never have been born, and tonight is the night she is to be disposed of. Carrie uses her powers one last time, to do...um....this:
Hey! Just like the Scary Jesus Statue! Symbolism rocks! And speaking of rocks, tons of them start raining down on the house for reasons unexplained in the film but which make much more sense after you've read the book or seen the remake starring Angela Bettis, which we'll have to do another time. Anyway, all you need to know is, rocks are crushing the house to smithereens and Carrie drags Momma's body into the closet with her. You remember, the closet with that fucking scary statue. And there she meets her untimely demise. Death by a combination of falling rocks and the gaping stab wound Momma gave her in the back a few minutes earlier. God, life really sucked for you, Carrie. I hope they at least gave you a decent headstone.
Nope.

Well, we're almost done. But what would any review of Carrie be without a few screencaps of the very end dream sequence in which Sue dreams she's putting flowers on Carrie's grave......
...only to have Carrie's fucking bloody hand come up from the rubble and scare her shitless!
Roll credits, that's a wrap!

Now, I must say that this review doesn't even begin to do this movie justice. If you've never watched it before except in clips you really need to go out and rent it RIGHT NOW! It truly is a classic in the horror genre, or in any genre really. They're just not making movies like this anymore. I mean, they're TRYING. They're trying like mad. But they're failing miserably. So, go out, rent Carrie, and I guarantee you'll be adding it to your list of all time favorites very soon.