"She Burned Her Hands On A Cold Window!" or Audrey Rose (1977)

If there's one thing we know about the 1970s, it's that, following the success of The Exorcist, Hollywood couldn't churn out more Supernatural Child movies fast enough. Audrey Rose, although it positively reeks of post-Exorcist possession mania, is not actually a bad film. Far from it, actually. It's not excellent, but it's not horrible either. It was, after all, directed by Robert Wise, a horror legend for his 1963 masterpiece, The Haunting. Not to mention The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But, just because the movie has a few things going for it, does not mean that there isn't plenty to snark on. Behold, the poster:

Suitably creepy, I guess. I could do without the little Brooke Shields drawing above the title because it looks kind of random compared to the rest of the poster, but it's ok.

We open on a cold, rainy day, when the titular Audrey Rose and her mother are killed after their car crashes and catches on fire. Eleven years later, we are introduced to the family that we will be watching for the next two hours: Janice and Bill Templeton and their daughter, Ivy. Ivy Templeton, by the way, is one of the most irritating children I have ever seen on film. And it's not really because the character herself is annoying. Well, she is, kind of, but not especially so. No, what makes her REALLY irritating is the fact that the little girl playing her quite obviously got "acting" confused with "whining constantly and making stupid faces."

So anyway, the Templetons are enjoying a fine day of family fun in Central Park, riding bikes and feeding baby seals out of their hands and laughing gaily as they chase balloons together, and I half expect everybody to join hands and engage in a chorus of "It's A Wonderful Day For Pie." I think I just got brain diabetes from all that sugary sweetness. They're having so much wholesome fun that they don't notice the strange bearded fellow who has been stalking them wherever they go all day.

Creeptastic! They go home and Janice develops the 5,948 pictures she took of Ivy's smiling mug that day. She gazes at these pictures adoringly with a sickeningly sweet grin, and I have a feeling that, were this movie set in the present day, Janice would be posting every last one of them on Facebook. And then she would get all offended when nobody commented on them because nobody has time to sit and go through them all. Because they have lives. Ahem.

Janice goes to pick up Ivy from school the next day, and whaddya know? Bearded Man is there looking all suspicious and stuff. And then he follows them home, which is....yeah. Ivy goes on and on about some chick at school who she thinks is a big fat liar because she said she got her period already. Ivy, you're a bitch and nobody cares. Bill comes home and, as Janice gets to work making his martini like a good little '70s housewife, he visits with Ivy. Ivy thinks they should buy Janice a camera that's full of "little dinkys," and I really don't care.

That night, as Janice and Bill are entertaining some friends, Ivy has what I assume is a nightmare, but which sounds more like a hot sex dream, judging by the amount of moaning and panting going on. Janice checks up on her and Ivy tries to angle for a day off school the next day by claiming she doesn't feel well. Janice informs her that she doesn't have a fever or anything, really, to indicate that she's sick, but that she may stay home from school anyway. Because Janice is an enabler. She tries to voice her concerns about Bearded Man to Bill before she turns in for bed, but Bill is already snoring away. Men.

No matter, because Bill has already noticed Bearded Man and his creepy stalking behavior. In particular, he has noticed that Bearded Man seems to enjoy loitering outside of Ivy's school. Bill tries to complain to the police, who are all "Sorry, can't help ya." Since Bearded Man has not actually made physical contact with any of the Templetons, the police can't legally charge him with anything. So, he is free to be creepy for another day. A freedom he exercises by calling Janice at home and asking why Ivy wasn't in school, and later sending her a new purse on top of the groceries Bill brought home. Ivy thinks Bill got her the purse, but seriously, when gifts become involved, this is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY and ass needs to start being kicked, whether any laws have technically been broken or not. That night gives us the first blatant Exorcist homage shot, wherein Ivy lies in bed with her eyes open, staring blankly.

The next morning, Janice checks the mail to discover that Bearded Man has sent them a newspaper clipping containing a short biography of himself. They now know his name (Elliot Hoover), but not much else that would explain why he's creepily stalking their 11 year old. Janice and Bill discuss the clipping over lunch, which cuts awkwardly to a scene of Janice having a fainting spell in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason. Seriously, there's no explanation for it and it's never mentioned again. Because of it, Janice arrives at Ivy's school to pick her up and finds it completely empty. Running like a lunatic through the streets, she runs right into Elliot Hoover, who, quite politely, informs her that he not at all creepily helped Ivy across the street after school. Janice tears into the apartment and shakes the hell out of Ivy for following a stranger. Ivy whines and they both dissolve into dramatic bitch tears. The amount of scenery being chewed is astonishing and we're only half an hour in.

That night, Elliot Hoover calls the Templetons and begs them to let him explain himself. Yay. They agree and meet a freshly beardless Elliot at a nearby restaurant, where he tells them a long, convoluted, boring story involving psychics and shit, the short version of which goes like this: His wife and daughter (Audrey Rose) died in a fiery car crash 11 years ago/A psychic told him his daughter was still alive/He believes that Ivy is the reincarnation of her. Totally credible! This little meeting is interrupted when Janice and Bill receive a call from Ivy's babysitter telling them to come home right away because Ivy is having another sex dream nightmare. Could this have something to do with her possession/reincarnation/whatever? Could Hoover be right? THE MIND BOGGLES!

Bill meets with a lawyer friend of his to ask what can be done about Hoover and his ridiculous theories. The lawyer suggests that he invite Hoover over to the apartment and ask him a series of questions in order to get some evidence to build a case against him. Bill does so, with the lawyer hiding on the stairs as a witness. Turns out Hoover can't actually verify any of his story because all the psychics he talked to are dead or something. I dunno. I kind of checked out because it was yet another long and boring Oscar Bait monologue. He tells the Templetons about his time in India, where reincarnation is apparently a widespread belief. He also confirms that Audrey Rose's date and time of death coincides almost exactly with Ivy's time of birth.

In the midst of all this, Ivy walks out into the upstairs hallway and starts freaking out and having a flailing, screaming, waking nightmare while banging on the windows. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Given the acting skills of this kid, it looks more like a 4 year old's tantrum over not being allowed a cookie before supper.

But, I digress. Everyone tries to calm her down, but only Elliot Hoover is successful. He calls her "Audrey Rose" and gives her a hug. This father-daughter reunion, such as it may be, calms Ivy down enough for her to be put back to bed. Bill is pissed that this guy and his charming British accent could calm her down so quickly when he could not. He starts to beat the crap out of Elliot, but stops and just tells him to get the fuck out and don't let the door hit him in the ass. Meanwhile, Janice has noticed something quite odd and troubling about Ivy. It seems she has burned her hands quite severely. When she points this out to Bill, he's all "Must have been the radiator." Janice retorts, with dramatics that would make a 1930's studio star proud, that Ivy wasn't anywhere near the radiator and that her hands were burned on the cold, rainy windows. She also points out that Ivy's nightmares always seems to occur around her birthday (death day?). Bill is like "Bitch, you's crazy," and the topic is dropped.

The next night, Ivy gives her Linda Blair impression another shot (and still fails...miserably so). Janice was smart this time and thought to put a screen in front of Ivy's window. Unfortunately, she neglected to safeguard the stairs, the tables, the lamps, the curtains, and most of the other furniture in the apartment, so Ivy instead crashes into all of those things like a little crack monkey. Bill isn't home, so when the doorman rings and informs Janice that Elliot is in the lobby, she sends him on up. He calls her "Audrey Rose" again. and Ivy makes the ugliest cry face I have ever seen on anybody, ever. Behold:

This is by far the most frightening thing in the movie, for reals. Anyway, Elliot calms her down while Janice sits in the corner and prays. When Ivy has been put back to bed, Janice and Elliot discuss just what the hell is going on here. Elliot theorizes that Ivy is in danger because of the whole "having another person's traumatized soul inside her" thing. If they don't find a way to set Audrey Rose's soul free from Ivy's body, he says, Ivy could totally die. Then he launches into another drawn out speech about the stuff he learned in India about reincarnation. Janice seems to be starting to believe.

When Bill gets home, he is none too pleased to hear that Elliot has been there again. He bitches Janice out, to which she replies "You weren't here, waah waah waah, bitch bitch bitch!" At least, that's what it sounded like to me. The level of hysterics she displays here are truly impressive. Bill decides not to argue and vows to be home more.

The nightmares and freakouts continue unabated. Elliot shows up one night in the middle of a particularly nasty episode for Ivy, and Bill goes absolutely apeshit and starts beating the fuck out of him. The two men have a hilarious brawl in the hallway while people in neighboring apartments step outside their doors and watch, looking only mildly perturbed. Elliot breaks free and barricades himself inside the Templeton's apartment. The po'po arrive and get the door open to discover that Elliot and Ivy are gone. He has taken her up to the apartment he has recently rented on the 8th floor. Hey, whatever makes stalking and kidnapping more convenient for ya. He is, of course, promptly arrested.

Which brings us to the courtroom drama portion of our tale, wherein it must be proven whether or not reincarnation exists. Because I am a total nerd, I notice right off the bat that the judge presiding over Elliot's trial is the same guy who played the psychiatrist in the episode of The Golden Girls where the girls were all pissed at each other and considering moving out. Yay for being a TV junkie! Ahem. Anyway.

While Elliot is being put on trial, Ivy has been sent to a Catholic boarding school. She and some other students are walking in a circle, chanting while some kind of big-ass snowman is being built. I have no idea what that's about, but it sort of reminds me of The Wicker Man. One nasty little snot stops chanting long enough to call Ivy a freak. Cut to the headmistress showing Janice a newspaper confiscated from a student that contains the reincarnation trial story. Oh dear. Janice keeps Ivy overnight at a hotel and they have a heart to heart. Janice wants to take Ivy home and Ivy protests because the Sylvester, the Wicker Snowman, is going to be crowned soon, and dammit, she isn't going to miss it. Uuuum....ok? They discuss reincarnation some, and Ivy waxes poetic about how awesome it would be if everyone would live forever and ever and never die. Shut up, Ivy. If that were to happen, parking spaces would disappear really fast and then Black Friday would suck even more ass than it already does. Embrace the circle of life. Anyway, they go to bed and Janice awakens in the middle of the night to find Ivy standing in front of the bathroom mirror, whispering the name Audrey Rose to herself over and over. And, ok, that is a little bit freaky.

We then segue into some more courtroom scenes, which are really boring so I'm just going to gloss over them. The main thing that happens is that the driver of the car that crashed into Audrey Rose and her mother's car gives testimony and it's really depressing. So yay for more of Ivy's new school! Their evil looking snowman is being crowned in the middle of a bonfire while the children dance and chant something about "Old Man Winter." Except for Ivy, who is entranced by the fire, so much so that she crawls right into it. The headmistress sees this dire situation from an upper story window and nearly yells herself hoarse trying to get the attention of the nun in charge of supervising the Crowning Of The Snowman. The supervising nun is in la-la land and therefore completely oblivious to both Ivy getting up close and personal with the bonfire and the headmistress yelling like a banshee about it. Somebody needs to get demoted.

Ivy is rushed to the hospital to treat her burned face. Bill is furious and asks why the hell there was a bonfire at school in the first place. Good question. Ivy whines like a little bitch and is all "Whyyyyyy did I do that Daddyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" The drawn out syllables are not for dramatic effect here, that's totally how she says it. Meanwhile, Janice is called to the witness stand at Elliot's trial, and her testimony boils down to that she totally believes in reincarnation and that Elliot should be set free because he is Ivy's only hope. Yay.

In light of this, the prosecution develops a radical idea. They will put Ivy under a special hypnosis in order to determine if she remembers anything from a previous life. Even though such a test has never actually been attempted before. Wow, there's NO WAY this can go wrong. Janice is vehemently opposed to this nonsense. Unfortunately, Bill has already agreed and Ivy has been sweet talked into agreeing to it as well. So, hypnosis it shall be.

Ivy is led into a room with a one way mirror with the hypnotist while Elliot, Bill, Janice, and some doctors and court officials watch from the other side. The hypnotist starts the whole "You're getting sleepy, close your eyes" bit, and it takes for freaking ever for her to finally shut her damn eyes. It goes on for so long, in fact, that I am tempted to close MY eyes out of boredom. Anyway, once she's under, she is told to revert back to her 8th birthday party. Then her 4th birthday, where she says something about her cake being homemade and then whines something incoherent. Seriously, I rewound the movie about 5 times and absolutely could not determine what she's crying about. Then she reverts to being a baby. And then, the hypnotist tells her to go back to a time "BEFORE you were BORN." That phrase is apparently this movie's answer to "The power of Christ compels you," because it repeated approximately 76,947 times. Ivy is indeed able to revert to BEFORE she was BORN, because she starts screaming and re-enacting Audrey Rose's death. Complete with choking on smoke and everything.

Seeing that this could potentially have nasty results, the hypnotist quickly attempts to awaken her. For a minute, it seems he has succeeded. However, Ivy goes right back to screaming and choking until she collapses, lifeless, onto the floor. Oops. Good job, Bill. You insisting she go under hypnosis has killed her. You know, again.

Several months later, Janice writes a letter to Elliot thanking him for taking Ivy's ashes to India. Ok, then. The camera pans over Ivy's baby pictures as Janice narrates her letter. She makes no mention of whether or not she has kicked Bill's ass to the curb after he essentially killed their kid, but that's what happened in my noodle. Roll credits.

Stay tuned for next time, when we recap the crap out of The Amityville Horror '05!

"Oh My God, It's Hank From I Can Do Better!" or The Stepford Wives (2004)

The 2004 redux of The Stepford Wives is full of fail and stupid, possesses a jaw-droppingly bad script, and is, without a doubt, the worst excuse for a remake ever, in any genre. It's also kind of a stretch to call it horror. I mean, it's pretty horrible, yes. But it's also not technically a genre film." But alas, the original was a horror film, and so here we are.
You may notice that some bitchin' shades* have been placed over Nicole Kidman's eyes on the poster there. Why, you ask? Because I didn't like the way they were looking at me, and to look upon them creeped me out. Creeped ME out. Google the poster and look at them if you want. Go on, I'll wait.

OMG, did you see? Did you see the way she's trying to suck out your very soul with those eyes? Now picture THOSE EYES on a 15 foot tall cardboard standee. Yeah.

Moving on. For a movie with such a big name cast, this really feels like fifteen chimpanzees wrote it in sections. I really would love to know what kind of dirt the producers of this turkey had on Nicole for her to agree to even appear in it, much less star. Clearly, she must have run over a busload of babies and puppies, and Paramount knew about it, but Paramount isn't just gonna keep it to Paramount's self. Maybe you star in this here remake picture, maybe this all disappears. *Takes deep breath, stops stealing jokes from Family Guy*

Seriously, there's no other possible explanation. Girlfriend had just won an Oscar recently for The Hours, and she followed up that performance with THIS? Not to mention Bette Midler, Glenn Close...Christopher Walken, for God's sake. I mean, what the hell. WHAT the HELL? Perhaps I should stop ranting and start recapping so that you may finally see the true meaning of the word "atrocity."

The Stepford Wives begins with an opening credits sequence set to clips of 1950s women doing 1950s women things. Cooking, cleaning, marveling over the efficiency of their new oven as they bake delicious muffins, and so on and so forth. This fades out to show an assembly of some sort in which Joanna Eberhart (Nicole) is presenting to an excited audience the new fall lineup of her television network, EBS. This basically consists of cheesy reality show parodies, culminating in a contestant from a cheating spouse show called 'I Can Do Better' showing up in person and attempting to shoot Joanna for ruining his life. This is an understandable thing to do, as we are only 10 minutes in and Joanna is effing irritating already. Seriously, she isn't even phased that she just narrowly escaped a bullet in her generously botoxed face. That is, until she is informed that the bad publicity this will undoubtedly generate for the network means that she is fired. Oh no you didn't!
Oh, yes they did. Also, the camera focuses on that exact shot for like 5 minutes, making me want to squirm and look away. Joanna ends up in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, where she is visited by her husband, Walter. Walter is played by Matthew Broderick, who is one of the only cast members I would actually expect to be in a movie like this, seeing as how he hasn't done much of interest since 1986, The Producers excepted. Walter tells Joanna that she has his undying love and support in much the same way he might read off items on a grocery list. As he proves time and time again, Matthew's monotone line delivery is matched by few on earth.

Joanna admits that she may have indeed become a ball busting bitch in the years since she started her career, and that perhaps Hank from 'I Can Do Better' was right to try to lodge a bullet in her brain. Walter doesn't exactly dispute this, much to my amusement. Anyway, the next scene has Joanna, Walter, and their two inconsequential children in the car on the way to Stepford, Connecticut to begin life anew. Great. They arrive at their new house and are greeted by Claire, the realtor (Glenn Close, clearly cashing a paycheck here).

Claire, demonic smile pasted onto her face in every shot, shows the family around their new house and points out all the fuckawesome features it possesses, including a talking refrigerator and a robotic dog fresh from the computer of some guy in the CGI department. The very next morning, Joanna awakes to find the entire house is already furnished with only the finest Ikea. Totally not weird. She then meets up with Claire at the Simply Stepford Day Spa, where she is introduced to the town's wives. Something is not quite right with these ladies, as Joanna can clearly see, since they are exercising in dresses and pearls. Like Stepford Wives, as it were. Not gonna lie though, I would totally wear their dresses. Take a look at how purdy they are.

Anyway, in one of the most horrific things I have ever seen on screen ever, Claire leads the Wives in their daily exercise routine, where they pretend to be washing machines. Washing machines with two left feet.

Meanwhile, Walter has found his way to the Stepford Men's Association, where all the town's husbands gather 'round to relax from the jobs they don't have, drink beer, and bet each other on stupid things, as men are apparently wont to do in the Stepford universe. Several disembodied hands wave from the doorway and encourage him to come on in and join the menfolk. Cut to the Stepford 4th of July picnic. Everybody is there, decked out in their Stepford best. Joanna and Walter arrive with the kids and are swarmed by four Stepford Wives, who make suggestive comments regarding how well Walter fills out his pants. Gross.

Enter Bobbi Markowitz and her husband, Dave. Bobbi is an author and a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Joanna recognizes Bobbi from the cover of her book, and Walter and Dave are apparently already acquainted with each other via the Men's Association. Friendships are formed. We meet our last main character in the form of Roger, who is a living, breathing example of every stereotype you've ever heard about gay men. This seems to be too much for his boyfriend, Jerry, who is a stern sort of fellow and wishes Roger would tone it down. Oy. Conveniently, both Joanna and Bobbi know of Roger, as he is a big shot architect in NYC, and he knows of them. And so, our plucky trio of protagonists is complete. The three are having a fine time bitching together about how totally lame Stepford is, when Claire and a giant megaphone interrupt. It's time for some Stepford Square Dancin'.

I'm starting to think I'm going to need a glass or two of spiked lemonade to get through this movie. Where was I? Oh yeah, square dancing. Yay. All the Stepfordians are totes into it. Naturally, our sardonic trio spend the whole time looking around disdainfully. They're from New York, dammit. They shouldn't have to witness something so stupid as square dancing. Apparently sensing that looking like three sullen teenagers at a family reunion the same day as the Popular Kid pool party might just look a tad rude, they at least attempt some dancing. But they make sure to look displeased. Things get interesting, however, when a Wife, Sarah, suddenly starts spinning out of control and rapidly muttering phrases like "Yippee-kye-ay" and "Do-si-do." She even sparks. Almost as if she were a ROBOT or something. Hmmm...

Claire's husband, Mike, enters the scene and instructs everyone to back away please, nothing to see here. And as a wall of men hide what he's doing from Joanna, he does something that resets Sarah and all is well. Except for that fact that Joanna is all "Whaaa?" and "But she was sparking!" She then insists that she should accompany Sarah to a hospital. Um, why? Are you a doctor? Oh, you're a television producer? Ok, then shut the fuck up. Mike and Claire want Joanna to drop it already and are like "She'll be FINE!"

That night, Joanna and Walter have a fight wherein she insists something is up with the town's women and he's like "Whatever, crazy lady." Then they have a heartfelt chat where they reveal what they love most about each other. Joanna loves Walter's stupid victory dance when he wins at computer chess, and Walter loves...um....well, come to think of it, he didn't actually say what he loves most about Joanna. So, hmmmm. He does, however, give her some advice and suggests that maybe instead of staring disapprovingly at the Stepford women all the time, maybe she should dress like them and try to act just like them instead. Seriously? I would have kicked him in the nuts for that. But not Joanna, it would seem. No, she's going to give this whole Stepford thing the good old college try. So she tries it on Bobbi and Roger the next morning.

Naturally, they're like "OMG, where's your black clothing???" Joanna explains that she's going to at least try to fit in here, and suggests that maybe the three of them should go visit that Sarah chick and see how she's keeping since her sparking episode the day before. Bobbi and Roger, being from New York and all, roll their eyes exasperatedly, but agree to this. They knock on Sarah's door to find it already open, so they just mosey on in. They are greeted to the sounds of Sarah and her husband having loud sex. No snark, I really love Bobbi's reactions to the noises. Gotta love Bette Midler. Back to snark. They find what looks suspiciously like a sex toy with the name 'Sarah' emblazoned on it. It's actually a remote control. I smell a comic situation! As Sarah descends the stairs to fetch nachos for her man, Joanna and Co. are screwing around with the remote, causing Sarah's boobs to swell several cup sizes in a comedic manner. Almost like she's a ROBOT.

The Three Amigos don't notice this and take off, giggling, to Bobbi's house. Joanna and Roger are horrified by Bobbi's house, which looks like the worst episode of Hoarders ever. Joanna manages to convince Roger and Bobbi that hey, maybe they should follow her lead and try to be model Stepfordians. Oh, I think they will, Joanna. Sooner than you think.

Meanwhile, at the Men's Association, the men are racing toy cars with bras tied to the antenna. Because the men in this town are all eleven years old. Walter remarks to the men how awesomely robotic their wives are. Meanwhile meanwhile, Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger are trying their hand at a Stepford Women's Book Club meeting as part of the whole "fitting in" agenda. Claire informs them all that today, they are discussing the most awesome book EVARR. Namely, a big ol' book catalogue of Christmas collectibles. She even throws Bobbi a bone and explains that there's a whole chapter about Hanukkah. Wow. And then....they sing. Seriously.

In the words of Clark Griswold, "Merry Christmas...holy shit." Back at the Men's Association, Mike asks Walter how Joanna is adjusting to Stepford. Walter says that he really thinks Joanna is ready for a change. Nudge nudge, wink wink. The guy who lost the Toy Car Race earlier remembers that he owes Walter 20 bucks and calls for his wife. Wifey appears, takes Hubby's credit card, sticks it in her mouth, and quite literally spits out a wad of cash.

Why she spit out twenty $1 bills instead of one $20 bill is beyond me, but there it is. No doubt about it now, the Stepford women are ROBOTS. Like you didn't know. Walter has a look on his face that could be horror, fascination, or possibly constipation as he accepts his $20. Oookay.

To her credit, Joanna really is trying her best at this whole Stepford wackiness. For instance, as I watch her right now, she is taking a batch of cupcakes out of the oven for her daughter's day camp the next day. How sweet and mom-like of her. Then the camera pans out to show us that this batch of cupcakes is actually just the latest of the 90 billion she has made that day. Wow. Joanna, sweetie....I think you're out-Stepfording the Stepford Wives there. Just a tad.

Bobbi and Dave show up, and Dave whisks Walter away to a Men's Association meeting. Bobbi convinces Joanna that they should follow their men and see what goes on at such a meeting, just for shits and giggles. Joanna is reluctant to leave her cupcakes, but agrees. The women find their way into the house and come across a hall of portraits, each featuring a creepily grinning Stepford family. Interesting. They hear footsteps following them and get all scared until they realize it's just Roger screwing with them. Soon, they hear more footsteps approaching and hide. To make a long story short (too late!), Roger is led into a dark room by the men and, presumably, turned into a ROBOT. Too bad the girls didn't witness this, as we could end this movie right now and not have 40 more minutes of them trying to solve the mystery. But anyhoo...

Two days later, after not hearing from Roger since the Hall of Portraits, Joanna and Bobbi go over to his house to see what the hell is up. Nobody answers the door, but they make a startling discovery in the trash can outside: everything that makes Roger a stereotypical gay man has been tossed. Some shirts by Dolce, Gucci, and Versace, a framed picture of Orlando Bloom, a Playbill for 'Hairspray', and a T shirt featuring that other Lord of the Rings guy are among the discarded treasures. Why, what could this mean? (He's now a ROBOT and has no need for those things, would be my guess). Now that he is a ROBOT, Roger is running for some political office or another. And Joanna is officially fed up with this back asswards town.

She pleads with Walter to join her as she leaves Stepford and never looks back. He doesn't wanna go, but relents eventually and agrees that they can leave the next day. Yeah, right. I suspect that Walter is up to no good. No good at all. That night, Joanna is awoken from a sound sleep by the little CGI dog, who has something in his adorable CGI mouth. Whatever could it be? Why, it's one of the hilarious looking remote controls, the very kind we saw in Sarah's house earlier. And it says 'Joanna' on it. Hmm. I wonder WHAT is going ON. No I don't.

Joanna gets up and does some research on the internets. Turns out all the Stepford women were at one time high-powered career women. Every last one. And now they all do the washing machine exercise dressed like June Cleaver. Gee, that's not suspicious at all. The next day, Joanna heads over to Bobbi's house to have a "Let's get The Fuck Out Of Here" meeting. Unfortunately, Bobbi is...not quite herself today.

And her home is spotless. Oh noes! Joanna realizes she's on her own around the time Bobbi rests her hand on the hot stove with nary a reaction. Although, wouldn't that kind of ruin her ROBOTic inner workings? Whatever. I shouldn't expect logic from this movie by this point. Joanna goes to pick up the kids so she can get out of town, and discovers that Walter has already got them. Uh-ohs. She speeds over to the Man's Association, ready to kick some ass, and is surrounded by Stepford men. Walter steps up and makes a little speech about how Joanna has always had the bigger balls ever since they were married, and quite frankly, he is sick of it. All the men voice their agreement with this. Mike then shows up and offers to show Joanna exactly what they plan to do to her before it actually gets done. Yay.

According to Mike's educational video, the Stepford women are taken into a lab, where microchips are implanted in their brains in order to alter their personality. That's it. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Then what exactly is the deal with the remote controls and the ATM Of The Magical $1 Bills? All the evidence clearly points to ROBOTS, not brain microchips. To add insult to injury, they follow this by showing Joanna the prototype for her new ROBOT body.

I refuse....REFUSE...to believe that not ONE person involved in this production, from the script writer to the director to Nicole Kidman to the effing lighting guy, looked at the script and said, "This doesn't make any fucking sense." Not a single soul caught this glaring plot hole. Wow..just....wow. I really have no words. I am speechless. Ahem. Joanna makes a heartfelt speech to Walter about robots being unable to love or some shit, and pleads with him not to do it as she, Walter, and ROBOT Joanna are lowered down into the secret lab. Wow, really? Mike didn't come with to make sure everything went ok? Seems like shoddy quality control.

Now that Joanna is officially a Stepford Wife, it's time for a super duper important ball to honor the occasion. As Joanna dances with Mike, Walter steals away to the secret underground lab. Hmmm. What IS he doing? Well....what he's doing is deprogramming the microchips for every Stepford woman. Apparently, the Men's Association has top notch security for the room where they house the mainframe for their very way of life. Seriously, why are there not armed guards? Inquiring minds want to know. This is roughly the equivalent of leaving the Hope Diamond in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. So, as the microchips are deprogrammed, the woman all return completely back to normal. Because they are NOT ROBOTS, or anything, despite being able to touch fire and dispense cash from their mouths. Really, I have to ask one more time...do they think we are stupid? Do they? DO THEY? *Takes a deep breath* Whatever. I'm sticking to the ROBOT story because microchips make no damn sense at all and I refuse to acknowledge them.

The woman, naturally, are fucking pissed and are surrounding their men in an angry mob. Hee. Mike attempts to control the situation and is confronted by Joanna and Walter, who reveal that Joanna is not, in fact, a ROBOT/microchip wife after all. Walter didn't have the heart to do it (all together now: Aaaaaaaw). They merely pretended to turn her into one in order to infiltrate the mainframe and deprogram everybody. This begs the question of what exactly happened to the ROBOT Joanna body? Did they get rid of it? They must kill the real women before putting the finishing touches on the ROBOTS, so did anyone notice that a body didn't turn up? I'm confused and befuddled.

Following this rocking confession, Mike decides that Walter must pay for undermining the Stepford way. He goes to knock him out with a brass candle stick, and Joanna is like "No effing way" and swings at Mike with a candlestick of her own, and.....Mike's head sparks and falls off.

So, Mike was a ROBOT the whole time, and Claire was a human. Claire, you see, was once a big shot doctor or something and never had time for family. Then one day she caught Mike cheating on her with his pretty, blonde secretary, and so she turned him into a ROBOT and founded the town of Stepford so that all the women could be perfect and thus cheat-proof. Or something. She kisses Mike's decapitated ROBOT head and is electrocuted. Lovely. I am so embarrassed for Glenn Close.

In a move that proves without a doubt that the writers had no idea where to go from there, everything gets wrapped up neatly in a Larry King interview. No, really. Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger all appear on the show to tell the audience how they're doing since their ordeal. Joanna produced a documentary, Bobbi wrote a book, and Roger is running for state senate. Yawn. The final scene of the film shows the Stepford Husbands, minus Walter, shopping in the Stepford grocery store and lamenting that they'll be in trouble if they bring home the wrong paper towels. Aaaaaaand the end.

I gladly hand over a crown of Kraft Cheese to The Stepford Wives. Enjoy your honor and wear it with pride.

*Special thanks to mi amiga Danielle for being a buddy and editing the poster for me :)

First Post!

So, I've been wanting to start my own recap blog for awhile now. Since I'm kind of a horror movie freak, I figured I may as well recap horror movies. But not just ANY horror movies. No, I am going to recap the horror movies that are so bad that they're good. You know the type. Most of them were made in the 80s and contain enough fake blood and bad hair to last anybody for a respectable lifetime. So, enough introduction (ever notice how these introduction posts are almost always boring as hell?) Let's get to it!