"Jodie Is...What's The Word..Dead" or The Amityville Horror (2005)

Yes, I know. I've been promising this recap for, like, a hundred years. Unfortunately, real life has been flaring in a huge way over the past week, and so I really, truly didn't have a spare moment to work on the blog. But enough about that, let's get to recapping us some bad horror movies! Isn't that the reason you came here?

So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.

This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!

And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.

Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.

So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?

The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.

So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.

Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.

It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!


Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.

Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.

Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.

Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.

A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.

Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.

George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.

Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?

While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.

The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.

Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.

To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.

"Oh My God, It's Hank From I Can Do Better!" or The Stepford Wives (2004)

The 2004 redux of The Stepford Wives is full of fail and stupid, possesses a jaw-droppingly bad script, and is, without a doubt, the worst excuse for a remake ever, in any genre. It's also kind of a stretch to call it horror. I mean, it's pretty horrible, yes. But it's also not technically a genre film." But alas, the original was a horror film, and so here we are.
You may notice that some bitchin' shades* have been placed over Nicole Kidman's eyes on the poster there. Why, you ask? Because I didn't like the way they were looking at me, and to look upon them creeped me out. Creeped ME out. Google the poster and look at them if you want. Go on, I'll wait.

OMG, did you see? Did you see the way she's trying to suck out your very soul with those eyes? Now picture THOSE EYES on a 15 foot tall cardboard standee. Yeah.

Moving on. For a movie with such a big name cast, this really feels like fifteen chimpanzees wrote it in sections. I really would love to know what kind of dirt the producers of this turkey had on Nicole for her to agree to even appear in it, much less star. Clearly, she must have run over a busload of babies and puppies, and Paramount knew about it, but Paramount isn't just gonna keep it to Paramount's self. Maybe you star in this here remake picture, maybe this all disappears. *Takes deep breath, stops stealing jokes from Family Guy*

Seriously, there's no other possible explanation. Girlfriend had just won an Oscar recently for The Hours, and she followed up that performance with THIS? Not to mention Bette Midler, Glenn Close...Christopher Walken, for God's sake. I mean, what the hell. WHAT the HELL? Perhaps I should stop ranting and start recapping so that you may finally see the true meaning of the word "atrocity."

The Stepford Wives begins with an opening credits sequence set to clips of 1950s women doing 1950s women things. Cooking, cleaning, marveling over the efficiency of their new oven as they bake delicious muffins, and so on and so forth. This fades out to show an assembly of some sort in which Joanna Eberhart (Nicole) is presenting to an excited audience the new fall lineup of her television network, EBS. This basically consists of cheesy reality show parodies, culminating in a contestant from a cheating spouse show called 'I Can Do Better' showing up in person and attempting to shoot Joanna for ruining his life. This is an understandable thing to do, as we are only 10 minutes in and Joanna is effing irritating already. Seriously, she isn't even phased that she just narrowly escaped a bullet in her generously botoxed face. That is, until she is informed that the bad publicity this will undoubtedly generate for the network means that she is fired. Oh no you didn't!
Oh, yes they did. Also, the camera focuses on that exact shot for like 5 minutes, making me want to squirm and look away. Joanna ends up in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, where she is visited by her husband, Walter. Walter is played by Matthew Broderick, who is one of the only cast members I would actually expect to be in a movie like this, seeing as how he hasn't done much of interest since 1986, The Producers excepted. Walter tells Joanna that she has his undying love and support in much the same way he might read off items on a grocery list. As he proves time and time again, Matthew's monotone line delivery is matched by few on earth.

Joanna admits that she may have indeed become a ball busting bitch in the years since she started her career, and that perhaps Hank from 'I Can Do Better' was right to try to lodge a bullet in her brain. Walter doesn't exactly dispute this, much to my amusement. Anyway, the next scene has Joanna, Walter, and their two inconsequential children in the car on the way to Stepford, Connecticut to begin life anew. Great. They arrive at their new house and are greeted by Claire, the realtor (Glenn Close, clearly cashing a paycheck here).

Claire, demonic smile pasted onto her face in every shot, shows the family around their new house and points out all the fuckawesome features it possesses, including a talking refrigerator and a robotic dog fresh from the computer of some guy in the CGI department. The very next morning, Joanna awakes to find the entire house is already furnished with only the finest Ikea. Totally not weird. She then meets up with Claire at the Simply Stepford Day Spa, where she is introduced to the town's wives. Something is not quite right with these ladies, as Joanna can clearly see, since they are exercising in dresses and pearls. Like Stepford Wives, as it were. Not gonna lie though, I would totally wear their dresses. Take a look at how purdy they are.

Anyway, in one of the most horrific things I have ever seen on screen ever, Claire leads the Wives in their daily exercise routine, where they pretend to be washing machines. Washing machines with two left feet.

Meanwhile, Walter has found his way to the Stepford Men's Association, where all the town's husbands gather 'round to relax from the jobs they don't have, drink beer, and bet each other on stupid things, as men are apparently wont to do in the Stepford universe. Several disembodied hands wave from the doorway and encourage him to come on in and join the menfolk. Cut to the Stepford 4th of July picnic. Everybody is there, decked out in their Stepford best. Joanna and Walter arrive with the kids and are swarmed by four Stepford Wives, who make suggestive comments regarding how well Walter fills out his pants. Gross.

Enter Bobbi Markowitz and her husband, Dave. Bobbi is an author and a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Joanna recognizes Bobbi from the cover of her book, and Walter and Dave are apparently already acquainted with each other via the Men's Association. Friendships are formed. We meet our last main character in the form of Roger, who is a living, breathing example of every stereotype you've ever heard about gay men. This seems to be too much for his boyfriend, Jerry, who is a stern sort of fellow and wishes Roger would tone it down. Oy. Conveniently, both Joanna and Bobbi know of Roger, as he is a big shot architect in NYC, and he knows of them. And so, our plucky trio of protagonists is complete. The three are having a fine time bitching together about how totally lame Stepford is, when Claire and a giant megaphone interrupt. It's time for some Stepford Square Dancin'.

I'm starting to think I'm going to need a glass or two of spiked lemonade to get through this movie. Where was I? Oh yeah, square dancing. Yay. All the Stepfordians are totes into it. Naturally, our sardonic trio spend the whole time looking around disdainfully. They're from New York, dammit. They shouldn't have to witness something so stupid as square dancing. Apparently sensing that looking like three sullen teenagers at a family reunion the same day as the Popular Kid pool party might just look a tad rude, they at least attempt some dancing. But they make sure to look displeased. Things get interesting, however, when a Wife, Sarah, suddenly starts spinning out of control and rapidly muttering phrases like "Yippee-kye-ay" and "Do-si-do." She even sparks. Almost as if she were a ROBOT or something. Hmmm...

Claire's husband, Mike, enters the scene and instructs everyone to back away please, nothing to see here. And as a wall of men hide what he's doing from Joanna, he does something that resets Sarah and all is well. Except for that fact that Joanna is all "Whaaa?" and "But she was sparking!" She then insists that she should accompany Sarah to a hospital. Um, why? Are you a doctor? Oh, you're a television producer? Ok, then shut the fuck up. Mike and Claire want Joanna to drop it already and are like "She'll be FINE!"

That night, Joanna and Walter have a fight wherein she insists something is up with the town's women and he's like "Whatever, crazy lady." Then they have a heartfelt chat where they reveal what they love most about each other. Joanna loves Walter's stupid victory dance when he wins at computer chess, and Walter loves...um....well, come to think of it, he didn't actually say what he loves most about Joanna. So, hmmmm. He does, however, give her some advice and suggests that maybe instead of staring disapprovingly at the Stepford women all the time, maybe she should dress like them and try to act just like them instead. Seriously? I would have kicked him in the nuts for that. But not Joanna, it would seem. No, she's going to give this whole Stepford thing the good old college try. So she tries it on Bobbi and Roger the next morning.

Naturally, they're like "OMG, where's your black clothing???" Joanna explains that she's going to at least try to fit in here, and suggests that maybe the three of them should go visit that Sarah chick and see how she's keeping since her sparking episode the day before. Bobbi and Roger, being from New York and all, roll their eyes exasperatedly, but agree to this. They knock on Sarah's door to find it already open, so they just mosey on in. They are greeted to the sounds of Sarah and her husband having loud sex. No snark, I really love Bobbi's reactions to the noises. Gotta love Bette Midler. Back to snark. They find what looks suspiciously like a sex toy with the name 'Sarah' emblazoned on it. It's actually a remote control. I smell a comic situation! As Sarah descends the stairs to fetch nachos for her man, Joanna and Co. are screwing around with the remote, causing Sarah's boobs to swell several cup sizes in a comedic manner. Almost like she's a ROBOT.

The Three Amigos don't notice this and take off, giggling, to Bobbi's house. Joanna and Roger are horrified by Bobbi's house, which looks like the worst episode of Hoarders ever. Joanna manages to convince Roger and Bobbi that hey, maybe they should follow her lead and try to be model Stepfordians. Oh, I think they will, Joanna. Sooner than you think.

Meanwhile, at the Men's Association, the men are racing toy cars with bras tied to the antenna. Because the men in this town are all eleven years old. Walter remarks to the men how awesomely robotic their wives are. Meanwhile meanwhile, Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger are trying their hand at a Stepford Women's Book Club meeting as part of the whole "fitting in" agenda. Claire informs them all that today, they are discussing the most awesome book EVARR. Namely, a big ol' book catalogue of Christmas collectibles. She even throws Bobbi a bone and explains that there's a whole chapter about Hanukkah. Wow. And then....they sing. Seriously.

In the words of Clark Griswold, "Merry Christmas...holy shit." Back at the Men's Association, Mike asks Walter how Joanna is adjusting to Stepford. Walter says that he really thinks Joanna is ready for a change. Nudge nudge, wink wink. The guy who lost the Toy Car Race earlier remembers that he owes Walter 20 bucks and calls for his wife. Wifey appears, takes Hubby's credit card, sticks it in her mouth, and quite literally spits out a wad of cash.

Why she spit out twenty $1 bills instead of one $20 bill is beyond me, but there it is. No doubt about it now, the Stepford women are ROBOTS. Like you didn't know. Walter has a look on his face that could be horror, fascination, or possibly constipation as he accepts his $20. Oookay.

To her credit, Joanna really is trying her best at this whole Stepford wackiness. For instance, as I watch her right now, she is taking a batch of cupcakes out of the oven for her daughter's day camp the next day. How sweet and mom-like of her. Then the camera pans out to show us that this batch of cupcakes is actually just the latest of the 90 billion she has made that day. Wow. Joanna, sweetie....I think you're out-Stepfording the Stepford Wives there. Just a tad.

Bobbi and Dave show up, and Dave whisks Walter away to a Men's Association meeting. Bobbi convinces Joanna that they should follow their men and see what goes on at such a meeting, just for shits and giggles. Joanna is reluctant to leave her cupcakes, but agrees. The women find their way into the house and come across a hall of portraits, each featuring a creepily grinning Stepford family. Interesting. They hear footsteps following them and get all scared until they realize it's just Roger screwing with them. Soon, they hear more footsteps approaching and hide. To make a long story short (too late!), Roger is led into a dark room by the men and, presumably, turned into a ROBOT. Too bad the girls didn't witness this, as we could end this movie right now and not have 40 more minutes of them trying to solve the mystery. But anyhoo...

Two days later, after not hearing from Roger since the Hall of Portraits, Joanna and Bobbi go over to his house to see what the hell is up. Nobody answers the door, but they make a startling discovery in the trash can outside: everything that makes Roger a stereotypical gay man has been tossed. Some shirts by Dolce, Gucci, and Versace, a framed picture of Orlando Bloom, a Playbill for 'Hairspray', and a T shirt featuring that other Lord of the Rings guy are among the discarded treasures. Why, what could this mean? (He's now a ROBOT and has no need for those things, would be my guess). Now that he is a ROBOT, Roger is running for some political office or another. And Joanna is officially fed up with this back asswards town.

She pleads with Walter to join her as she leaves Stepford and never looks back. He doesn't wanna go, but relents eventually and agrees that they can leave the next day. Yeah, right. I suspect that Walter is up to no good. No good at all. That night, Joanna is awoken from a sound sleep by the little CGI dog, who has something in his adorable CGI mouth. Whatever could it be? Why, it's one of the hilarious looking remote controls, the very kind we saw in Sarah's house earlier. And it says 'Joanna' on it. Hmm. I wonder WHAT is going ON. No I don't.

Joanna gets up and does some research on the internets. Turns out all the Stepford women were at one time high-powered career women. Every last one. And now they all do the washing machine exercise dressed like June Cleaver. Gee, that's not suspicious at all. The next day, Joanna heads over to Bobbi's house to have a "Let's get The Fuck Out Of Here" meeting. Unfortunately, Bobbi is...not quite herself today.

And her home is spotless. Oh noes! Joanna realizes she's on her own around the time Bobbi rests her hand on the hot stove with nary a reaction. Although, wouldn't that kind of ruin her ROBOTic inner workings? Whatever. I shouldn't expect logic from this movie by this point. Joanna goes to pick up the kids so she can get out of town, and discovers that Walter has already got them. Uh-ohs. She speeds over to the Man's Association, ready to kick some ass, and is surrounded by Stepford men. Walter steps up and makes a little speech about how Joanna has always had the bigger balls ever since they were married, and quite frankly, he is sick of it. All the men voice their agreement with this. Mike then shows up and offers to show Joanna exactly what they plan to do to her before it actually gets done. Yay.

According to Mike's educational video, the Stepford women are taken into a lab, where microchips are implanted in their brains in order to alter their personality. That's it. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Then what exactly is the deal with the remote controls and the ATM Of The Magical $1 Bills? All the evidence clearly points to ROBOTS, not brain microchips. To add insult to injury, they follow this by showing Joanna the prototype for her new ROBOT body.

I refuse....REFUSE...to believe that not ONE person involved in this production, from the script writer to the director to Nicole Kidman to the effing lighting guy, looked at the script and said, "This doesn't make any fucking sense." Not a single soul caught this glaring plot hole. Wow..just....wow. I really have no words. I am speechless. Ahem. Joanna makes a heartfelt speech to Walter about robots being unable to love or some shit, and pleads with him not to do it as she, Walter, and ROBOT Joanna are lowered down into the secret lab. Wow, really? Mike didn't come with to make sure everything went ok? Seems like shoddy quality control.

Now that Joanna is officially a Stepford Wife, it's time for a super duper important ball to honor the occasion. As Joanna dances with Mike, Walter steals away to the secret underground lab. Hmmm. What IS he doing? Well....what he's doing is deprogramming the microchips for every Stepford woman. Apparently, the Men's Association has top notch security for the room where they house the mainframe for their very way of life. Seriously, why are there not armed guards? Inquiring minds want to know. This is roughly the equivalent of leaving the Hope Diamond in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. So, as the microchips are deprogrammed, the woman all return completely back to normal. Because they are NOT ROBOTS, or anything, despite being able to touch fire and dispense cash from their mouths. Really, I have to ask one more time...do they think we are stupid? Do they? DO THEY? *Takes a deep breath* Whatever. I'm sticking to the ROBOT story because microchips make no damn sense at all and I refuse to acknowledge them.

The woman, naturally, are fucking pissed and are surrounding their men in an angry mob. Hee. Mike attempts to control the situation and is confronted by Joanna and Walter, who reveal that Joanna is not, in fact, a ROBOT/microchip wife after all. Walter didn't have the heart to do it (all together now: Aaaaaaaw). They merely pretended to turn her into one in order to infiltrate the mainframe and deprogram everybody. This begs the question of what exactly happened to the ROBOT Joanna body? Did they get rid of it? They must kill the real women before putting the finishing touches on the ROBOTS, so did anyone notice that a body didn't turn up? I'm confused and befuddled.

Following this rocking confession, Mike decides that Walter must pay for undermining the Stepford way. He goes to knock him out with a brass candle stick, and Joanna is like "No effing way" and swings at Mike with a candlestick of her own, and.....Mike's head sparks and falls off.

So, Mike was a ROBOT the whole time, and Claire was a human. Claire, you see, was once a big shot doctor or something and never had time for family. Then one day she caught Mike cheating on her with his pretty, blonde secretary, and so she turned him into a ROBOT and founded the town of Stepford so that all the women could be perfect and thus cheat-proof. Or something. She kisses Mike's decapitated ROBOT head and is electrocuted. Lovely. I am so embarrassed for Glenn Close.

In a move that proves without a doubt that the writers had no idea where to go from there, everything gets wrapped up neatly in a Larry King interview. No, really. Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger all appear on the show to tell the audience how they're doing since their ordeal. Joanna produced a documentary, Bobbi wrote a book, and Roger is running for state senate. Yawn. The final scene of the film shows the Stepford Husbands, minus Walter, shopping in the Stepford grocery store and lamenting that they'll be in trouble if they bring home the wrong paper towels. Aaaaaaand the end.

I gladly hand over a crown of Kraft Cheese to The Stepford Wives. Enjoy your honor and wear it with pride.

*Special thanks to mi amiga Danielle for being a buddy and editing the poster for me :)