"Eat The Cookie!" or Flowers In The Attic (1987)

Let me just say this right now: I have seen some BAD book-to-movie adaptations in my life, ok? But nothing, not even the mid-90's abortion that was The Baby Sitters Club Movie, can quite top this. This, my friends, is its own special brand of fail. Dear readers, I present to you, Flowers In The Attic. THIS RECAP IS FULL OF SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!! The movie differs (a lot) from the book, so the spoilers are mainly for the movie, although one or two from the book might be there.
Now, the book this movie is based on, while not a piece of Great Literature, is still a mighty fine page-turner that stands up well to multiple readings. It's interesting enough, and there's always another layer to peel back and discover something you missed before. However, it's not a book that you would think Hollywood would be falling all over themselves to turn into a commercial movie. An HBO miniseries, maybe. Not a major motion picture, though. I'm frankly surprised that 1) it was ever adapted at all, considering the pretty heavy themes running rampant in the novel, and 2) that they managed to adapt it with a PG-13 rating. In the end, they ended up with a sloppily written mess, as you will see.

So. Flowers In The Attic begins with "ominous" shots of a massive house with an impeccably manicured lawn. We are shown an empty, dusty attic full of stereotypical attic things, in addition to construction paper flowers. In the attic. How CLEVER. A woman's voice narrates as we are shown around the abandoned attic. The woman is the adult version of Cathy, whose teenage self will be our heroine in the rest of the film. Anyway, Cathy explains that this is the attic of "Grandmother's house."
Flashback many many years. Cathy, who we see here carefully studying the way her mother applies makeup, is 12 years old (according to the book, anyways...the movie doesn't tell you how old anyone is). She lives in her perfect suburban home with her mother Corinne, her father Christopher, her older brother Chris (14), and her twin siblings Carrie and Cory (5). Notice how everybody's name begins with a C. Theme naming = one of my pet peeves. It isn't cute. It's asinine. Anyhoodle..

Adult Cathy's narration smugly informs us that she was her father's favorite child. Superiority complex, much? We are shown an example of this favoritism when Dad comes into Cathy's room in the middle of the night to give her a music box shaped like a ballerina, with a ring inside. He says he wanted to wait until everybody else had gone to bed so they wouldn't be jealous. The whole scene is vaguely uncomfortable. Mom stands in the doorway silently giving them Bitch Face. The music box is given a lot of emphasis. An awful lot. If it could talk, it would say "Behold me, viewer! I shall play a big part later in the movie!"
Cut to the night of Dad's 36th birthday party. Mom and the kids are waiting for him to come home and fussing over last minute details. While the twins run around being annoying, Cathy angsts over the proper way to arrange 36 candles on the cake. I say quit your bitching and smack a "3" and a "6" candle on that sucker. Problem solved. They hear a car pull into the driveway, so all the kids hide behind the couch while Mom flings open the door. Unfortunately, it's not Dad standing there, but the police. The kids slowly emerge from behind the couch as the police inform Mom that Dad has died in a car wreck. Cathy screams.

We then segue to what appears to be quite awhile later. The house is almost bare, since they had to sell all their possessions to get by without Dad's income. Because Mom is kind of a selfish bitch, and getting a job to feed her children, of whom she is now the sole provider, is somehow beneath her. Anyway, it appears that Mom and the kids are going somewhere, since they have suitcases and are dressed in traveling clothes. Lo and behold, we see them next on a train in the middle of the night.
The family leads us down Exposition Avenue during their train ride. Turns out that Mom is taking the kids to her parents' house. Cathy asks why they've never met their grandparents, and Mom replies that, years and years ago, she made one hell of a faux pas that pissed off her dad so much, he totally disowned her. She doesn't elaborate on what that was exactly, but we'll find out later. Boy howdy, will we find out. Anyway, Mom says that ol' Grandad, who is filthy freaking rich, is about to kick the bucket. So she plans on getting back into his good graces and inheriting all his money when that happens.

Later in the day, still on the train, Cathy delivers an overly dramatic monologue complaining that Mom and Dad never allowed the children to have a pet. Because if they had one and it had died, they would have learned to deal with death. After this, we cut to the middle of the night, where the family is getting off the train in order to walk the rest of the way to Chez Grandparents. Because calling a taxi is just too much work for Mom.

They arrive early in the morning and are greeted by John, the creepy butler. Mom introduces John to the kids, and he only stares his very own Stare of Stareyness. He leads them into the main foyer of the enormous mansion, where Grandmother is waiting for them. Grandmother is a bitch. We can tell she is because she glowers a lot and wears black. She orders Mom to take the kids upstairs.
They are led to the top floor and hustled into a bedroom. Grandmother cuts all the bullshit and informs the kids that she won't tolerate any crap from any of them. Mom tells the kids to take a nap and recover from their journey, and Grandmother barks that the two boys are to share one bed, and the two girls are to share the other. Then she and Mom leave the room and lock the door behind them. Cathy rushes to the door to check that it is, indeed, locked. Chris wanders over to the windows and discovers that there are bars on them. He and Cathy exchange a "What the HELL is going on here?" look.

Later, Grandmother wheels a cart containing a complete balanced breakfast into the room for the kids. She's all "You're a bunch of filthy sinners and God will punish you." Cory interrupts with "I have to go to the bathwoom!" and Grandmother is all "Shut up." HAHA. Then she decides it's time for a stroll down Back Story Boulevard. She informs the children that their parents were uncle and niece, and that they (the kids) are therefore the spawn of Satan. And, oh yeah, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW. I guess we know why Mom was disowned, then. She tells them that Grandfather has no idea they even exist, and that she'll never tell him because it would be too much for his old heart. She leaves and Cory hauls ass to the "bathwoom."
Downstairs, Grandmother exhibits further bitchitude by taking out a whip and lashing the hell out of Mom. In a later scene we are told that she was whipped 17 times, one for each year she was married to Dad. I mention this now because immediately after the whipping, Mom comes into the kids' room, with only a slight limp to indicate her "pain." The kids are excited to see her and scream annoyingly, and Grandmother comes running in and is all "Shut UP!!!" Carrie, in a grand display of testicular fortitude, walks right up to Grandmother and lets out the biggest scream she can muster. She is rewarded for it by being picked up by the ears and held aloft for a few minutes. I'm not even kidding, look:
It reminds me of that scene Matilda (the book) in which Miss Trunchbull did the same thing to a student who couldn't spell "what." Anyway, Cory rushes to defend his twin by biting Grandmother's ankle, so Grandmother kicks his stunt double in the face and drops Carrie's stunt double to the floor. She then orders Mom to take off her shirt and show the kids how it's gonna go down if they ever dare to cross her. Observe the wounds:
I'm sorry, WHAT??? That whip was huge, and she got 17 lashes! 17!!!!!! She shouldn't be walking around, she should be DEAD, or at the very least curled up in the corner, in the fetal position, muttering incoherent sentences because the intense pain from such a whipping has rendered her brain to jelly.

Well, anyway. The kids are rightfully horrified and helpfully apply antiseptic to Mom's whip wounds after the Grandmother leaves. Mom tells them that, now that she's accepted her punishment for being such a ho, she will start tomorrow to win back Grandfather's approval. Before she leaves, she shows Cathy and Chris the door in the room that leads to the attic and instructs them to turn it into their own little hideaway.

After Mom leaves, Cathy and Chris discuss what they now know about their family history. They opt to have this discussion while undressing and getting into their PJ's. Then they climb into the same bed because Carrie and Cory are zonked out on the other one. Methinks the Grandmother would NOT approve of this arrangement.

Next morning, Grandmother wheels in the breakfast cart, which now inexplicably contains powdered cookies. The cookies are super duper important, which we know because the camera lingers on them for quite a bit. Grandmother gives the kids a slip of paper that contains the rules they have to follow at all times and then leaves. The kids make to go up to the attic and SURPRISE, Grandmother appears back in the room like a pop-up ad to remind them sternly that they are to "Never be seen." I would ask who exactly is going to see them IN THE ATTIC, and also whether somebody hearing them walking on wooden flooring might be a more valid concern, but I won't. Oh, wait. Guess I just did.

So, the attic. The attic is large and covered in plastic cobwebs available for 3.99 a bag at Halloween Express. It is also, like I said earlier, full of stereotypical attic crap such as rocking horses, covered furniture, and ugly statues of lions. A montage of the kids cleaning up the attic follows. Chris constructs a makeshift swing for the twins, and a makeshift barre for Cathy to practice her ballet (and so he can creepily watch her dance, apparently). He also conveniently finds an ancient microscope (he wants to be a doctor). Adult Cathy narrates that weeks, then months, went by, and still they were locked in that bedroom/attic. She explains also that Mom has been visiting less and less, and has pretty much stopped coming at all. Cathy stares wistfully at her ballerina music box. Later, as the kids sit in the attic making construction paper flowers to decorate it, the twins complain that they want to go outside and ask if Mom doesn't like them anymore.
Cathy and Chris discuss what could possibly be keeping Mom from visiting them, and conclude that she must be a hostage someplace in the house. This conversation takes place while Cathy is in the bathtub, which is...um...yeah. Then they once again sleep in the same bed because the twins have hijacked the other one. And the Grandmother discovers these sleeping arrangements the next morning when she brings the cart of food. Of course, she flips the fuck out and accuses them of being filthy sinners. And I wonder, if this was going to be an issue, and considering the family history with Mom and all, why she didn't just give the girls and the boys separate rooms. Problem solved. But whatever. Grandmother gives the children the Icy Glare Of Bitchdom while standing next to Cathy's beloved ballerina music box, and Cathy looks nervously from Grandmother to the music box.

Oh yeah. That music box is so done for. Grandmother swipes it to the floor, where it falls in slooooooooow mooooootioooooooon, and Cathy falls to her knees in anguish and picks up the broken pieces and is all "Nooooooooo, my faaaaaaatheeeeer gaaaaaave that to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Seriously, I didn't make up those drawn out words. She really says it that way.
Cathy and Chris decide they've had quite enough of the Grandmother's shit and devise a plan to remove the bars from the attic window and escape out of it to find Mom and file a complaint. They make it outside, but have to scurry right back up their little rope because the caretaker's dogs bark at them in a ferocious manner. Mission not accomplished.

The next morning, Mom finally manages to get her ass upstairs to visit the kids. She bitches to Cathy and Chris about their escape shenanigans and is all "You could have RUINED everything!" She reminds them that they need to stay locked away until Grandfather concludes his waltz with the Grim Reaper. She half-heartedly suggests that they could get the hell out of Dodge right now (which Cathy wants) or they can wait for Granddad's death and get money, because he's thisclose to dying. Chris, being a wussy Momma's boy, buys her bullshit hook, line, and sinker and is all "Ok Mom, whatever you say. You know best." Cathy walks away in a huff.

Time marches on. Cory finds a mouse and keeps it as a pet. Newer, stronger bars are installed in the attic windows. And Cathy and Chris continue to have deep conversations about their situation while Cathy happens to be bathing. Grandmother walks in on one such conversation and is all "OMG SIN!" and Chris voices what I said earlier and is all "You're the one that locked us in this room together, Buttercup."While I agree with the sentiment, Chris, I also feel I should point out that there's at least 23.5 hours a day when your sister is NOT in the bathtub in which you might have discussions. So, um...that's all. Moving on.

So, one morning, everybody wakes up to discover Cory is gone and get all panicky with "OMG where is he????" Guys, you're locked in. There's only so many places he could be. Sure enough, they find him in the attic with his pet mouse, and all is right with the world. The only reason this scene exists is to make sure Cathy is the first one back downstairs and is conveniently all alone when Grandmother surprises her and pushes her down, wielding a pair of scissors. She locks the attic door to keep the other kids out of the room and gets to work cutting Cathy's hair. Or, more precisely, she gets to work cutting hair from an obvious blonde wig. Then she leaves and Chris observes Cathy crying like a baby in the bathroom because her precious hair is gone. Chris does his best to even it out, and Cathy ends up looking like this:
Notice the rough hay-like quality of the hair, which screams "I'M A CHEAP WIG!"

Time continues to march on. The children are increasingly getting more chalky pancake makeup applied to their faces to make them appear malnourished and sickly. Mom is seen receiving presents from Grandfather and enjoying a rather lavish lifestyle with her new boyfriend (!) while the kids more or less starve upstairs. Cory in particular becomes so weak from lack of food that Chris cuts his own vein open and makes Cory drink his blood for nourishment. Eeeew.

Finally, Chris devises another plan for getting out of the room, by removing the door from its hinges. OMFG IT TOOK YOU THIS LONG TO THINK OF THAT????? So anyway, they get out of the room (leaving the twins, the better to conduct business swiftly) and go exploring. Curiously, despite the fact that they've been deprived of food for awhile, they opt not to explore the kitchen. They find Mom's room, full of expensive shit, and Cathy is dumbstruck by the fact that this bitch has been living so luxuriously while they've been suffering. Chris is all "I'm sure there's an explanation." Chris, you annoy me with your stupidness.

Presently, they stumble into Grandfather's room and are unable to tell whether he is dead or sleeping. So they get really really close to his face. Of course, he wakes up at exactly the right moment and they scream, and then John The Butler appears and they scream some more. And then they go back to their room. Cathy tells Chris they need to take the twins and blow this Popsicle stand, because it's obvious that Mom is never going to take them away from the house. Chris put on his Momma's Boy hat and is all "But I'm suuuure Mom will come visit soon and she'll have perfectly logical explanations for everything." CHRIS OMG YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF SO MUCH. Their argument is interrupted by Cory, who has to throw up.

Cut to a shot of cookies. Remember the cookies? A disembodied hand sprinkles the powdered sugar on them. Cathy wakes up from a nightmare to find a tray of food at the foot of her bed, containing the cookies. The movie really wants you to pay attention to those cookies.
Up in the attic, the kids sit around looking depressed. Even more gray pancake makeup has been applied to their faces, in addition to "sunken eye" makeup. Carrie starts taking down the paper flowers because it's almost winter. The movie doesn't tell you how long they've been upstairs by this point, but at this point in the novel, they've been up there for almost 3 years. Hard to tell in the movie, seeing as how nobody has aged and Cathy's hay wig is still short. Anyway, all four kids are sick, but Cory is the sickest. Chris reads some symptoms out of a medical book and asks Cory if he has any of them. Suddenly, Mom shows up all full of sunshine and smiles and is all 'I'm baaaaaack!" She compliments Cathy on her new haircut (HAHA) and tells the kids that she's finally won the approval of Grandfather, and is getting her very own party tonight to commemorate the occasion. Even better, she'll be getting all his money when he croaks.

The kids are not impressed. Cathy and Chris rip her a new one and voice their grievance that she doesn't seem to give a shit that they are sick, riddled with sores, and are routinely deprived of food. Mom gets all huffy and is all "Well, I'll be back when you've stashed the attitude and can treat me with LOVE". What. A. Bitch. Chris and Cathy sneak downstairs that night and watch the party from behind a vent. They observe Mom being proposed to by her new man candy, and are understandably pissed.

Next morning, Grandmother comes in with the food and cops a bitchitude because everybody is in pajamas and is all "What have I told you about being together in your NIGHT CLOTHES??" Once again, this is a problem that could have easily been solved by separate bedrooms. *sigh*

The kids tell her that Cory is very sick. Grandmother leaves and comes back with Mom, who doesn't appear to give a rat's ass. Cathy loses her shit and yells that Mom had better fucking take Cory to a hospital, because if she doesn't, Cathy will make damn sure she pays for being such a shitty mother. Mom slaps Cathy for mouthing off, and Cathy slaps her back. Grandmother summons John the Butler and instructs him to bring the car around for Cory because Mom is gonna take him to the hospital whether she likes it or not.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like Cory pulled through, because while the kids are shown waiting anxiously for news, the caretaker is shown digging a grave. Mom finally enters the room and coldly informs the kids that Cory is dead. Outside, we see that the caretaker is digging not just one grave, but four. Might be a good idea for yall to run away now. Just a thought.

An undisclosed amount of time later, Carrie points out to her brother and sister that Cory's pet mouse seems to have gone to the Great Rat Race In The Sky. Inside the dead mouse's cage, the kids find a piece of cookie. The same cookies they've been eating all this time. Chris spends some quality time with his medical book and concludes that the powder on the cookies has been laced with arsenic. In light of the fact that they've been slowly poisoned for months/years/whatever, Chris decides that they're gonna go downstairs tonight, steal whatever money they can find, and then run away. IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME.

Chris goes downstairs that night go make with the thievery, and discovers that tomorrow is the day of Mom's wedding. He goes back upstairs and informs Cathy that, since the Grandmother can't possibly lock the front door with so many people coming in and out for a wedding party, they'll simply walk out tomorrow. We then cut to the next morning, as another plate of cookies is being sprinkled with aresneic sugar. This time, we clearly see it's Mom doing the sprinkling with a cold and calculated look on her face.
So, all three kids leave the room and head downstairs. Before they leave, Cathy wants to go inform the Grandfather that they exist and that Mom is a bitch who's been slowly murdering them. So they go to his room and discover that he's already dead and has been for quite some time. They also find a copy of the will laying conveniently on a table that states that if it's ever discovered that Mom produced children with her first husband, she'll be permanantly disinherited. The kids, wishing to make goddamn sure that the bitch never sees one red cent after what she did to them, make toward the wedding ceremony being held in the house.

After making quite a stunning entrance to the ceremony in progress, Cathy is all "Hi MOTHER!" and Carrie is all "Momma?" and Mom is all 'Do I know you?" Cathy screams a recap of all the important plot points before the entire congregation. Then she waves a piece of poison cookie in Mom's face and is all "Here, eat it!"
Mom backs away like it's going to shoot her and Cathy chases her outside with it, demanding that she eat it. A catfight ensues, resulting in Mom falling over a balcony and being hung by her own veil. To which I say, GOOD. Bitch had it coming.

At long last, the kids leave the house as Grandmother watches them through an upstairs window. Adult Cathy narrates that Chris went to medical school, Carrie grew up with a bevy of health problems due to her time in the attic eating arsenic cookies, and Cathy herself started ballet dancing again. Roll credits.

My suggestion: Go read the book and its sequels.

"Your Ass Stinks" or Return To Sleepaway Camp (2008)

And now we come to it. The final chapter (for now) in the Sleepaway Camp franchise. Return To Sleepaway Camp had, apparently, been stuck in development hell for like 6 years or something, because it was supposed to come out in 2002 and was only recently released last fall. This is truly a gem of the series.

Naaaah, I'm totally kidding. Actually, while it doesn't exactly suck out loud, nobody would mistake it for a Good Movie. Good to know a movie can be worked on for so long and still be a turkey. Fortunately, I enjoy turkey. For all it's turkiness, though, the movie does have some good qualities. For one thing, it tones down the self-referential slasher humor several hundred notches and makes a quasi-return to the campy yet serious tone of the first movie. For another, a shitload of cast members from the first movie have come back. So, yeah. Let's DO THIS. (By the way, if you haven't yet seen this particular entry in the series, this recap is going to be super duper spoilerific. So, consider yourself warned. It's also a lot longer than usual, so grab a sandwich or something).
Behold, dear readers: the DVD cover art for Return To Sleepaway Camp. I like it. I like it a lot. It reminds me of the poster for Friday The 13th. The only thing that bothers me is the weird capitalization of the word "mean." It looks out of place. Either capitalize everything, or capitalize "Kids" and leave the rest.

As is the tradition with Sleepaway Camp films, the film opens with a credits sequence featuring a shitty metal song that is probably playing in a Hot Topic near you as we speak, per se. The credits play out over newspaper clippings that basically recap the first movie for you. Apparently, this movie is going to pull a Halloween H20 on us and pretend that the last two sequels never happened. That kind of makes me want to cry, knowing that Death By Toilet never occurred. *Sniff*

Well, anyway. According to those clippings, our setting for slasher terror this time is the idyllic Camp Manabe, where a cabin full of 13 year old boys are currently lighting their farts on fire. Charming. As they are giggling over this, a boy named Alan comes out of the bathroom and demands to know what's so effing funny. Now, this isn't just any boy. This is a sweaty beast of a boy who appears to have not bathed in at least six months. Seriously, his hair is filthy, and there's huge greasy stains on his shirt and everything. Behold the disgustingness:
Since you undoubtedly now feel like you need a shower, I'll wait. I'll wait right here for you to come back.

*Humming "Wake Me up Before You Go-Go" and filing nails*

All done? Good. Now, Alan demands to be given a turn at creating Fart Fire. He is made fun of for being gross and lights some aerosol in retaliation, which gets him in trouble with Randy, the British counselor. Alan doesn't like being told what to do, so he hurls some choice insults at Randy before running out the door, including calling him a "big penis" and informing him that his ass stinks. His words, not mine. Randy mutters that he'll show that little jackass what's what one of these days.

In the mess hall the next day, Alan (still wearing the disgusting greasy shirt from the night before, eeew) hurls some kind of food stuff at one of the boys for no reason. Randy remarks that if Alan wasn't such a "wanker," maybe his brother wouldn't be moving in on his girlfriend. We follow Randy's gaze to a neighboring table, Alan's crush, Karen, is being talked up by Alan's brother. Everybody at the table has a good laugh at Alan's expense.
Presently, the camp owner gets up and, with the help of another counselor, gets everybody's attention. He announces that a police officer is here to speak to them about the dangers of smoking. The police officer, speaking through a voice box thingy, tells the sad story of how he smoked for 30 years and lost his voice due to cancer, and all the campers find this riotously funny. They laugh like hyenas for a few minutes to show us what big asshats they are.

Back at Randy's table, Alan is bitching that the camp food is gross and that he refuses to eat it. Randy is all "Tough, eat it anyhow." Alan still refuses, and Randy gets pissed and shoves Alan's head into his plate, yelling at him to "Eat the fucking chicken." Wow. Alan is an ass-cozy and all, but...that's just asking for a lawsuit, man. Anyway, when Alan still refuses to eat the chicken, Randy throws the plate onto the floor, and shoves Alan onto the floor as well, commanding him to clean it up. Lawsuits, lawsuits, let's watch the potential lawsuits pile up. Randy and Alan are about to beat the crap out of each other, when somebody intervenes. Who is it?
Hey, it's Ronnie (aka Short Shorts) from the first movie! What a surprise! Short Shorts takes Alan aside and calmly requests that he refrain from being a turd. Alan puts on a pleasant facade and agrees, only to pull a girl's pigtails when Short Shorts isn't looking. A chick named Bella, who is made of sass and attitude (hereby referred to as sassitude), trips Alan and is all "Your face looks like my ass!" HAHAHAHAHAHA. I like Bella. Like Angela twenty years before him, Alan is given the Special Snowflake treatment and is sent to the kitchen to get something special to eat. Here we meet Charlie the chef. But I'm just gonna call him Chef. I think the following visual aid expresses my reason for that.

Chef is quitting for the day, but tells Alan that his assistant Mickey will take care of him. Mickey will do no such thing, and yells at Alan to get the hell out of the ice cream freezer. Naturally, Alan helps himself to ice cream anyway. By the way, his shirt has gotten REALLY gross over the course of the day. The grease stains are multiplying. EEEW EEEEW EEEEW. Anyway, Mickey gets pissed over that and starts throwing eggs at Alan. Alan throws knives at Mickey. Short Shorts, the camp owner, and a counselor named Petey put a stop to these shenanigans, and Alan runs off.

Michael, Alan's brother, has been sent to go fetch him, so he chases Alan until they end up in the woods. Alan sits down and starts playing with some frogs, and is all "The frogs are my friends." LMAO. It is revealed that Alan is an asshole because of a fever he had as a child. It is also revealed that Michael is really Alan's stepbrother, not that it has any bearing on the plot. Michael kicks some frogs just to piss Alan off, and Alan pulls a knife on him and is all "Go away."

So later, Mickey is in the kitchen by himself, picking his nose and preparing hamburgers and fries for his dinner. Presently, a pair of feet advance upon him and somebody pounces, lifting Mickey up and holding him aloft over the vat of french fry oil. This mysterious somebody listens to Mickey's pleading for a few minutes before awesomely dropping him face first into the oil. (Body Count: 1) If this kill sounds familiar, that's because it pretty much copies the first kill in Part 1. So, brownie points for that. Mystery Killer then tosses his burnt ass into a trash compacter, much like what was done to Milkshake in Part 3.

Later on, Chef and Short-Shorts go to Frank the camp owner and bitch that they told Mickey to take the damn trash out hours ago and it's still there, and now there's rats by the trash compacter. Frank's like "Fire him," and goes back to petting his pet parrot, Matilda. An awful lot of emphasis is placed on Matilda, which leads me to believe that something non-PETA approved is going to happen to her later.

Hey, there's a party going on in the rec hall! Just like in the first movie. Seriously, there's even a kid sitting on a bench eating a candy bar, exactly like Angela did in Part 1. If they could have done so, the filmmakers would have erected a huge flashing neon sign in the corner of the screen that says "LOOK AT THE PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS MOVIE AND THE ORIGINAL! AREN'T THEY GREAT?" Yeah, they're ok. Just ok.
Anyways, YAY PARTY! Alan comes strutting out in all his disgusting glory (his grease stained shirt has gotten still greasier and it's kind of starting to make me ill...you KNOW this kids smells like B.O., and possibly worse) and acts like a complete douche. He saunters up to Karen and tries to act all cool around her, which is kind of pathetic, and she's all "You smell!" Hahahaha. Then Alan withstands a bevy of physical abuse from his fellow campers until an all-out brawl has broken out. Unfortunately, the brawl is broken up by Frank and that Petey girl. Petey is shown to be the one counselor in the camp who is somewhat sympathetic to Alan, since she does acknowledge that the other campers actually started the fight.

Alan makes his way behind the rec hall's stage, where two guys are smoking weed. After a misunderstanding where they refer to a joint as "a fatty" and Alan almost gets pissed until he realizes they weren't talking about him (*Snort*), they offer him a joint. He starts smoking it and collapses from how disgusting it is. It's not a real joint, see, for instead of pot, it is filled with cow poo. Since Alan has never tried it before, he doesn't know any better and keeps saying "Yeah, this stuff is awesome!" between his gasps for clean air. And this movie has officially made me nauseous. Yet another brawl breaks out when Alan finds out, and once again it's broken up by Petey.

Later that night, the two stoner guys and their girlfriends are out in back of a cabin smoking and carelessly tossing their butts next to gasoline cans. Both girls and one stoner guy leave, leaving the other stoner all by his lonesome outside. Do you know what it's time for? No, not a sexy party. It's time for another kill! And a pretty awesome one, too. A mysterious somebody approaches Stoner Guy and ties him to his own chair. Then, a hose is attached to a gasoline can, and gasoline is pumped into Stoner's mouth. When that is finished, a piece of tape emblazoned with the words "Drugs are for Dummies" is pasted across Stoner's mouth with a single hole in it. In this hole is placed a cigarette, which is then lit. Body Count: 2
As the charred remains of the body are being cleaned up, Ronnie and Frank and Officer Voice Box discuss the tragic turn of events. Ronnie is like "Angela must be back!" and for the benefit of Officer VB, we are given the whole "Angela was really a dude who killed campers 20 years ago" back story. Frank disregards this theory as a load of codswallop and is all "Do NOT discuss this Angela person!"

Next day, Alan pesters Karen until she finally agrees to meet him later in his secret hiding place in the woods, where all the frogs are. Following that small triumph, Alan is continually shot at close range with paintball guns, adding a rainbow of paint stains to his already nasty, grease-filled shirt. I can hardly stand to look at the boy anymore, that's how disgusting his shirt has become. Meanwhile, that police officer has paid a visit to none other than Angela's cousin Ricky. He tells Ricky about the death of Stoner Boy and implies that it might be connected to the Great Camp Arawak Massacre of 1983. Ricky takes offense to that and is all "But she's been locked up in the nut house for 20 years and I see her every few weeks" and Police Officer is all "You mean him." HAHA. Anyway, Ricky is like "Screw off" and Police Officer drives away looking thoughtful behind the sunglasses that are permanently attached to his face.
So, back to Alan. As she promised, Karen meets him in his secret hideaway, only to haul ass out of there when she sees a bunch of dead skinned frogs lying around. Turns out that two of Karen's guy friends did the skinning both for the purpose of embarrassing Alan in front of her, and to just plain piss him off since he regards the frogs as friends. Alan runs after Karen to tell her he didn't kill the frogs, and they wind up on the pier during Free Swim. Karen is all "Get AWAY from me, freak" and every counselor comes to her defense. Randy takes that a step further and encourages some campers to give Alan a wedgie and then throw him in the water. (Hey, I got a great idea. Let's drink every time homage is paid to a scene from the first movie!) Unlike with Angela, I can't say I have any sympathy for Alan being tossed in the lake, because at least his shirt got cleaned a little in the process. THANK YOU. Petey, who is fast becoming this movie's answer to Ricky, assists Alan out of the water and tells off the counselors.

That night, another trick is played on Alan (Karen lures him behind the rec hall stage so that her guy friends can strip off all his clothes and then shove him out on the stage, where Alan is caught wearing nothing but undies). While this was mean of them, at least he's no longer wearing that nasty shirt. So, you know, whatever.

Once again, Petey saves the day. She and Ronnie take Alan back to his bunk (and put a clean shirt on him, I notice). After Alan falls asleep, Ronnie starts looking at Petey thoughtfully before absolutely losing his shit and demanding to know who Petey REALLY is, because it's awfully suspicious that she's constantly right there to save Alan's butt. Ronnie believes that Petey is Angela in disguise and is screaming at her when Police Officer interrupts the scene, with Frank hot on his heels. Ronnie starts babbling to them that Petey is Angela and needs to be stopped before she kills again. Frank is like "I told you to shut up about that crap." During this argument, a bunch of boys gather outside and start chanting obscene things, which wakes Alan up. Alan snaps and run off into the woods, which nobody seems to care about.

To be honest, this movie is kind of starting to bore me. Luckily, it is now time for another kill. Sweet. The victim this time is Frank. Our mysterious somebody removes Matilda from her cage, which causes the bird to squawk. Frank emerges to see what the bird's problem is and gets whacked on the head. When he wakes up, he finds that he is tied to a chair, with Matilda's cage placed over his head. The killer advances on him with a bag full of something that is moving and he/she hits the bag to make sure whatever is in there is also pissed. They then empty the contents of the bag, which turns out to be rats, into the cage to share space with Frank's head. Body Count: 3
As a special treat, we're gonna be given another kill scene. Randy and his girlfriend Linda are in the woods in order to get down and dirty. However, they forgot their sleeping bag, and, like a real gentleman, Randy orders Linda to go fetch it while he takes a piss. Such chivalry. *Eye roll* As Randy is getting his business done, our Mysterious Killer ties him to a tree. Randy assumes it's his girlfriend, as is the horror cliche. So he isn't really upset about the tying. He does, however, start to protest when a piece of sharp wire is tied around his junk. Linda hears his screams and is all "You're on your own, I ain't waiting around to be killed with you." So she hops into the Jeep and speeds off. Unfortunately for Randy, the other piece of the wire is attached to the car. As Linda speeds away, Randy's penis pops right the hell off. Seriously, it POPS. RIGHT. OFF. With an actual "Pop" sound and everything. It's hilarious. I think we can assume he died of massive blood loss, even though it isn't shown. So, Body Count: 4. Don't worry, the killer didn't forget about Linda. They set up a nice piece of barbed wire for her to run into while she speeds out of the woods. Body Count: 5

Moving right along, a boy alone in his cabin is looking at a dirty magazine when a sharpened broomstick pops up through a hole in the floor and nearly misses his head. Naturally, he decides to put his eye right up close to the hole, which is always a smart thing to do in a horror movie. Needless to say, the broomstick comes right back up and impales the kid right through the head. Body Count: 6. In the midst of all these happenings, Ronnie discovers Frank's body, which is all the proof he needs that he was right and Angela has returned. Or has she? Nobody knows.

As if the movie has realized that it's practically over and not enough kills have occurred, the kill scenes just keep on coming like Pez candy. The next victim is Bella, the awesome girl with the sassitude from earlier in the movie. Bella enters her cabin to find it empty, and flops down on her bottom bunk. She turns onto her back to see that the bottom of the bunk above her has been riddled with sharp nails. Before she has much time to ponder why there's so many nails pointing at her face, Mysterious Killer throws him or herself upon the top bunk with all their might, breaking it and effectively driving every last nail into Bella. Body Count: 7, and I have to say, I'm sorry to see Bella go. I enjoyed her sassitude.

Now that bodies are starting to be discovered, Ronnie is on a mission to track down Petey, whom he is still convinced is Angela in disguise. Campers gather around him and insist that Alan is the killer, since everybody who has been discovered dead so far had been a total jackass to him and he hasn't been seen since he ran off earlier. Police Officer Dude appears and tells everybody to shut the fuck up, as they are not helping by causing more commotion. Cousin Ricky suddenly shows up, and asks Police Officer why the hell he asked him to come here. Police Officer is all "I didn't" and says that somebody must have pretended to be him and asked Ricky to come. Finally, it is decided that Police Officer will search for Alan on one end of the camp and Ronnie and Ricky will search on the other. Everybody disperses.
Meanwhile, Karen is running like a maniac through the woods, because she has discovered Bella's body, is convinced that Alan is responsible, and believes she will be killed next. She runs and runs until she is knocked out by the killer. She comes to and discovers that her neck is tied to the basketball hoop in the rec hall. She is slowly hoisted upward and is about to be hung when Alan's stepbrother Michael and Police Officer Dude come rushing in and stop the rope from being hoisted any further. Karen is hysterical and is all 'It's ALAN!!! HE DID IT!"
Speaking of Alan, the movie now shows us that he's sitting in his secret hiding place, crying over his dead frogs. Michael suddenly shows up, ready to kick his ass. He beats the crap out of Alan before being interrupted by a Mysterious Somebody. Fade to black.

Ronnie and Ricky are still searching for Alan and eventually wander into his secret hiding spot. They find Alan beaten but concious, and then look around some more. They are quite shocked by what meets their eyes, although I am not, because I saw it coming from the beginning of the movie.

We see a pair of feet walking slowly towards Ronnie and Ricky, and the distinctive robotic sound of a voice being filtered through an artificial voice box, saying that the dead people were mean and deserved their fates. We also see various things being tossed onto the ground as the feet walk, such as a fake mustache, a wig, and a rubber nose. Finally, the voice box is thrown onto the ground, and the normal voice of Angela informs them that Michael has been skinned alive, made to suffer the same fate as the frogs. Cool. Body Count: 8 The movie ends with an awesome shot of Angela laughing maniacally before giving us in the audience the Icy Glare of Death.
See?

Well, there you have it. We have officially covered every last Sleepaway Camp film there is. Hasn't it been awesome? Stay tuned for next time, when I recap...well...something. I haven't decided yet.

Drag Me To Hell

I know you're biting your nails in anticipation of Return To Sleepaway Camp's recap, and I'm working on it. In the meantime, heed my wise words. Ready? Here they are:

Get your butt to the theater and see Drag Me To Hell. RIGHT NOW, people. It's officially the best horror movie of 2009, and not nearly enough people have seen it, judging by its horrible box office take so far. I have spoken.