"Jodie Is...What's The Word..Dead" or The Amityville Horror (2005)

Yes, I know. I've been promising this recap for, like, a hundred years. Unfortunately, real life has been flaring in a huge way over the past week, and so I really, truly didn't have a spare moment to work on the blog. But enough about that, let's get to recapping us some bad horror movies! Isn't that the reason you came here?

So, what to say about horror remakes? I'm not really opposed to them. I know most people automatically disregard remakes as "OMG EVIL!" but truthfully, unless it's a remake of something I would rank high on my list of Best Movies Ever (if they ever remake The Exorcist or Poltergeist, stand back whilst I open the can of whoop-ass), I couldn't care less. I just want 90 minutes of cheap entertainment, you know? The cheaper, the better. I love me some bad acting and terrible scripts. So naturally, while everyone spat on the recent remake of The Amityville Horror, I did a silent little jig and prayed that it would be just as crappy as the original, and that Ryan Reynolds would be shirtless. And I wasn't disappointed on either front. No, sir.
Amityville, of course, is based upon the real-life allegations of George and Kathy Lutz, who moved into the Amityville, NY house in 1975, just months after an entire family was murdered inside. Although most experts agree that the Lutz's claims were a giant load of crap, the story goes that the house was so frickin' haunted that they could only manage to stay for 28 days before fleeing, without even taking their stuff. True or not, it made for a pretty sweet book, which the original movie promptly took a crap on (even if it did have a decent, creepy score to its credit). This remake manages to be even worse, if such a thing is possible.

This version of Amityville starts out much like the original did, with a re-enactment of the tragic night in 1974 when Ronald DeFeo Jr. murdered all six members of his family by shooting them in their sleep. The fictional Jodie DeFeo wakes up and tries to hide in her closet. She fails and is shot. And...really? They changed Jodie from a demonic pig to a little girl? That's some bullshit if I ever saw it. Ghostly little girls are so overplayed. Ghostly pigs? That there is horror gold. GOLD, I tell you!

And with that, we get to our core story. It's one year later, and the future owners of the DeFeo house, the newly married George and Kathy, are trying to partake in a little early morning loving. George is played by Ryan Reynolds, who is, not gonna lie, one of my Celebrity Obsessions. Anyway, they are interrupted by one of their annoying children, who is wearing a pair of swim goggles on his face. George and the kidlet share a tender father-son moment in which it is revealed that George is not the boy's real father (real daddy died some time ago), but he doesn't mind if he calls him whatever he wants. Goggle Boy responds by calling him Stinky. Goggle Boy, by the way, is played by the same little snot who played Daniel in Orphan, so I am already predisposed to thinking his every word and action is irritating.

Cut to breakfast time, where George is serving eggs to the other two kids. The oldest boy, Billy, asserts his character trait of Little Asshole and remarks, "This sucks!" How dare you rebuke scrambled eggs prepared by Ryan Reynolds, you ungrateful demon child? Billy goes on to coldly shoot down George's offer to pick him up something else on the way to school. Somebody send that boy to military school and change the locks. Thankfully, Kathy admonishes him. The little girl seated at the table says nothing and is the defacto least annoying child in this movie so far.

So, with the kids packed off to school, George and Kathy set out to tour the haunted house of demons that will soon be their home. Kathy is agog with excitement as soon as she sees it, practically injuring herself trying to scramble out of the truck. She notices a water stain on the living room ceiling when she gets inside, which isn't going to have a damn thing to do with the rest of the movie. Yawn. Various ominous shots of household fixtures. Are we scared yet?

The realtor showing them the house informs them that the house has a "vibrant history." And by that she means the basement was built in the 15th century. Never mind that 6 people died there 12 months ago, or anything. After a tour of the entire house, George and Kathy argue over whether they should buy it even though it's way out of their price range. Kathy bitches until George gives in. This is when the realtor decides to inform them about the murders. This gives our protagonists only brief pause before they decide, "fuck it," and buy the house anyway.

So, the family moves in. We are forced to watch a Happy Family home video montage of everybody goofing around on moving day. The movie has also started adding title cards before significant scenes saying "Day 1", "Day 2" and so forth, counting down (up?) the infamous 28 days. As Kathy tucks in the two boys the first night in the house, Billy pisses all over the idea of his little brother praying before bed, saying that praying doesn't do any good because nobody answered his prayers for his dead father to come back. Kathy and Billy share a heart-to-heart about how bad things sometimes happen, and I am distracted by the fact that the background music score is lifted directly from The Ring. Seriously, it's literally the exact same music. I'm not sure whether I should be proud for noticing this or ashamed. Let's say I'm proshamed.

Anyhoo, George suddenly finds it disturbingly cold in the house and goes to the basement to check the furnace, where he finds an alarm clock frozen at 3:15 am (the time that most sources agree is when the DeFeo's were murdered). Lame whispering noises are heard, and the furnace blazes to life after George leaves. Spooky. I mean, boring. Yeah, that's it. Boring.

This is when we get our obligatory sex scene, which is underscored by what sounds suspiciously like Samara's theme from The Ring. Whoever did the music for this movie needs to get their asses fired for being so goddamn lazy. Anyway, George and Kathy are once again interrupted by a child, only this time it's the ghost of Jodie DeFeo. Also, only George notices her. The mood is ruined and they go back to bed, while we are treated to such ominous shots as windows and a swing moving in the wind. Why are swings always used in horror movies as images of terror? Does anybody find a swing moved by wind even remotely scary? Cuz I don't. It's just kind of what happens when the wind blows on a playground.

It's the next day. Kathy is bringing up laundry and hears her daughter, Chelsea, talking to someone. When asked who the hell she's talking to, Chelsea replies, "The girl who lives in my closet." Mm'kay. When asked Imaginary Closet Girl's name, she responds with "Jodie." Dun dun DUUUUUUUN. And God, I wish Jodie were still a flying pig with glowing eyes as per the book and original movie. Demonic pigs are scary. Little girls are not. Annoying, yes. Scary, no. Why must every new horror movie include a pale little ghost girl? I blame The Ring. Wait...they've ripped off the music, and they've ripped off the pale dark-haired ghost child...are they trying to be The Ring? That must be it. I've discovered the hidden agenda behind this movie!


Yeah, lame. Also, I strangely feel the urge to review The Ring. Perhaps at some point I shall.

Cut to George chopping some firewood. Goggle Boy from the beginning comes running up with some stupid doohickey he says he found in the basement. George admonishes him in an uncharacteristically gruff way to stay the fuck out of the basement because it's his office. Guess he's starting to go over to the Dark Side. Sweet. From here on in it's angry crazy Ryan Reynolds. Sexyful. Kathy arrives home with groceries and gleefully announces that she found a babysitter off the supermarket bulletin board, then asks George where Chelsea is. He gives her a "hell if I know" look. Turns out she's in the boathouse, because Jodie wanted to see the boat, you see. Kathy tells her "Somebody should have been watching you" and gives George bitch face.

Tired of ripping off The Ring, the movie switches gears for a minute and rips off The Sixth Sense instead. Google Boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. He sees a ghost and races back to the bedroom without flushing the toilet or washing his hands. Yeah...that may have worked for Haley Joel Osment, but Goggle Boy is entirely made of fail. So....yeah.

Meanwhile, George awakens to the sound of a phantom gunshot and gets out of bed. Without a shirt on. Just putting it out there. Anyway, him getting out of bed was a dream that he awakens from, and then he gets out of bed again, for the first time. I just went out of my way to confuse you. Did it work? Aw, man. Well, anyhow...as he gets out of bed, he notes that it's 3:15 am, the Time Of The Demons. He looks out the window, sees the boathouse door opening, thinks it's Chelsea, makes the pilgrimage out there, and dives into the water. Although Chelsea wasn't actually out there, its a great excuse for Ryan to show off his wet six pack. And isn't that the stuff modern horror is made of? As George gazes up to the "eye" windows of the house, he sees Chelsea and Jodie both staring down at him. Lame. I mean...creepy? No, I was right before. Lame. I still say the pig was scarier.

A few scenes of George starting to go batshit later, a title card announces that it's Day 15. Hold up...how many days have we just sat through? Feels like a hell of a lot less than 15. I say 3 days, tops. Oh well. As George puts Billy to work hauling firewood outside, Kathy is inside, where the fridge magnets have just spelled out "Katch'Em & Kill 'Em." Cute. Kathy accuses George of doing it. Bitch.

Now the aforementioned supermarket bulletin board babysitter comes into play, for George and Kathy are sick and tired of being cooped up in their demon house with their annoying kids, and are going out for a night on the town. Billy is totally opposed to this idea, declaring he's old enough to mind his siblings for the night, and that he will absolutely NOT let the babysitter sit. He changes his tune once the sitter shows up in a top that shows an ample amount of cleavage and midriff. 12 year old boys will never change. Babysitter reveals she doesn't need to be shown around the house because she used to sit for the DeFeos. She's also quite possibly the worst babysitter ever, smoking pot in the bathroom and asking LA if he knows how to french kiss. Um, ew. She's at least 18 and Billy is 12. That shit belongs on To Catch A Predator. She then proceeds to tell the children about the murders that took place in their bedrooms. Great sitter. I can see why you're relegated to the business you can pick up from the market board. Billy dares her to go into Chelsea's closet where Jodie's body was found, promising her a KISS poster if she does it. Of course, the door slams shut behind her and the kids are unable to set her free. Babysitter turns around and is confronted by Jodie, who forces her to stick her finger in her ghostly gunshot wound. Sick. Babysitter goes batshit insane and is carted out of the house on a stretcher. Methinks no more nights out for George and Kathy.

George and Kathy assume the kids were responsible for locking the sitter in the closet. Kathy starts in with some wishy washy gentle discipline shit. George is slowly becoming insane and tears them a new one. The kids are all "Why didn't you tell us that children died in our beds?" and George is all "Go to bed." Ha. Kathy gives George bitch face again. A few boring scenes follow, the gist of which are that George is slowly descending into madness and having hallucinations.

Now that no babysitter in town will step foot in the house, Billy is babysitting the other two sproggen. He isn't very good at it, because George and Kathy return home to find Chelsea on the roof, about to walk off. Nice. We get lots of shots of her feet and I am totes jealous of her pink Converse. She actually does jump off the roof, but George catches her. Kathy lays into her once she's on the ground, asking her what the blue fuck she was doing up on the roof. Chelsea replies that Jodie told her she could see her dead daddy by jumping off. Jodie is a bit of a bitch, no?

While Kathy decides to visit a priest about her supernatural horror house, George makes Billy put his hands up on a log while he chops it with an axe, which makes Billy cry like a bitch. Awesomeness. Then he curls up in the basement to watch the home video montage we saw earlier, now with 60% more CGI demonic faces! Neat. The ghosts/demons/whatever step it up the next night by leading George out to the boat house, axe in hand. Something lunges at him in the darkness and he beats the crap out of it with his trusty axe of doom. Too bad it was the family dog and not a demon/ghost. Almost had it there, Georgie. Almost.

The next morning, Kathy tells George that she thinks something is slightly amiss in their new home (you think????) and that they should just pack up their shit and hit the road. George, to paraphrase, replies "Are you stupid? We spent, like, all our savings on this house, you moron." That would be the nice version of what he actually said. Right on cue, the boys scamper in and wonder aloud where the dog is. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-Os. Father Callaway, the priest Kathy visited earlier, shows up at the door later that day and looks astonished when he observes the one-eyed stuffed cat that Chelsea is dragging around. He reveals to Kathy that Jodie DeFeo was, um, kind of buried holding that cat.
Right, time to blow this popsicle stand, Kathy. Whether or not George agrees. But then, that would end the film too early, so let's move on. Father Callaway attempts to bless the house, which really isn't interested in being blessed. It expresses its displeasure with a swarm of fake CG flies right in the priest's face. Father Callaway hauls ass out of the house and doesn't look back. And now we've reached Day 28. Wait, what? Already? Laaaaaame.

Kathy begins D28 by going to the public library to research the DeFeo murders, which is probably something she should have done when the paranormal activity first started to present itself. She turns up some facts on a guy who killed a bunch of Native Americans on the site where the house now stands. George, meanwhile, begins D28 by knocking out a basement wall and discovering a portal to Hell, like you do. Kathy pays Father Callaway a visit and is all "How come you ran away from my house?" and the priest tells her to leave the house and never return, for it is eeeeevil. No shit, really? Conveniently, at this point it begins to rain, complete with booming thunder. Guess shit's going to go down. How could it not, with such perfect weather, am I right? Rarely does a battle between protagonist and ghost/demon/serial killer go down when it's 80 degrees and sunny.
Kathy runs home and begins trying to round everyone up so that they can flee. George is kinda too possessed by evil for that, and almost drowns Kathy in the boat house for her trouble. It also turns out he's been preparing coffins with everyone's names on them in the basement. Creepy. So now, instead of merely fleeing the house, Kathy and the kids are also trying to flee from George, who is persuing them with a shotgun. Which sounds like it would be a really exciting climax to the story, but which is actually really boring. Not to mention painful to watch, what with all the jump-cuts and flashes of light because of the storm and all. Damn MTV generation and their snappy editing.

To make a long story short, Kathy solves the problem of George being possessed and intent on killing them all by knocking him over the head with the shotgun. She then loads him and the kids into a speedboat and gets as far away from the house as possible. George wakes up not-possessed and everything is dandy. Except for Jodie DeFeo's ghost, who is pissed off about their departure.
And, scene. Stay tuned for next time. I'm not sure what I'll recap, but rest assured it will be deserving of the snark it receives.

GAH!

Well, guys, I did have a recap ready to go for today (Amityville Horror, the remake, aka the stuff snark was friggin' made of). Unfortunately, Blogger decided to be a cruel bitch as I was trying to add pictures to my post and, as a result, I lost the whole damn thing. Still not sure how exactly that happened, but such is life. Soooooo, I'm going to be working on rewriting it from my copious notes when I can find a few minutes here and there, and it should be done within a few days.

'The Exorcist' In Theaters? Yes, Please!

So, whilst browsing the internet the other day, I came across the most wonderful piece of news ever. Which is to say, The Exorcist is being re-released into theaters nationwide for one night only at the end of September. Holy mother of shit. Granted, it's the Version You've Never Seen That You've Actually Seen A Million Times, but still. I was too young to go see it the last time it was re-released, so I am all over this.

Recaps are a-comin'. Within the week, hopefully. Stay tuned.

"She Burned Her Hands On A Cold Window!" or Audrey Rose (1977)

If there's one thing we know about the 1970s, it's that, following the success of The Exorcist, Hollywood couldn't churn out more Supernatural Child movies fast enough. Audrey Rose, although it positively reeks of post-Exorcist possession mania, is not actually a bad film. Far from it, actually. It's not excellent, but it's not horrible either. It was, after all, directed by Robert Wise, a horror legend for his 1963 masterpiece, The Haunting. Not to mention The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But, just because the movie has a few things going for it, does not mean that there isn't plenty to snark on. Behold, the poster:

Suitably creepy, I guess. I could do without the little Brooke Shields drawing above the title because it looks kind of random compared to the rest of the poster, but it's ok.

We open on a cold, rainy day, when the titular Audrey Rose and her mother are killed after their car crashes and catches on fire. Eleven years later, we are introduced to the family that we will be watching for the next two hours: Janice and Bill Templeton and their daughter, Ivy. Ivy Templeton, by the way, is one of the most irritating children I have ever seen on film. And it's not really because the character herself is annoying. Well, she is, kind of, but not especially so. No, what makes her REALLY irritating is the fact that the little girl playing her quite obviously got "acting" confused with "whining constantly and making stupid faces."

So anyway, the Templetons are enjoying a fine day of family fun in Central Park, riding bikes and feeding baby seals out of their hands and laughing gaily as they chase balloons together, and I half expect everybody to join hands and engage in a chorus of "It's A Wonderful Day For Pie." I think I just got brain diabetes from all that sugary sweetness. They're having so much wholesome fun that they don't notice the strange bearded fellow who has been stalking them wherever they go all day.

Creeptastic! They go home and Janice develops the 5,948 pictures she took of Ivy's smiling mug that day. She gazes at these pictures adoringly with a sickeningly sweet grin, and I have a feeling that, were this movie set in the present day, Janice would be posting every last one of them on Facebook. And then she would get all offended when nobody commented on them because nobody has time to sit and go through them all. Because they have lives. Ahem.

Janice goes to pick up Ivy from school the next day, and whaddya know? Bearded Man is there looking all suspicious and stuff. And then he follows them home, which is....yeah. Ivy goes on and on about some chick at school who she thinks is a big fat liar because she said she got her period already. Ivy, you're a bitch and nobody cares. Bill comes home and, as Janice gets to work making his martini like a good little '70s housewife, he visits with Ivy. Ivy thinks they should buy Janice a camera that's full of "little dinkys," and I really don't care.

That night, as Janice and Bill are entertaining some friends, Ivy has what I assume is a nightmare, but which sounds more like a hot sex dream, judging by the amount of moaning and panting going on. Janice checks up on her and Ivy tries to angle for a day off school the next day by claiming she doesn't feel well. Janice informs her that she doesn't have a fever or anything, really, to indicate that she's sick, but that she may stay home from school anyway. Because Janice is an enabler. She tries to voice her concerns about Bearded Man to Bill before she turns in for bed, but Bill is already snoring away. Men.

No matter, because Bill has already noticed Bearded Man and his creepy stalking behavior. In particular, he has noticed that Bearded Man seems to enjoy loitering outside of Ivy's school. Bill tries to complain to the police, who are all "Sorry, can't help ya." Since Bearded Man has not actually made physical contact with any of the Templetons, the police can't legally charge him with anything. So, he is free to be creepy for another day. A freedom he exercises by calling Janice at home and asking why Ivy wasn't in school, and later sending her a new purse on top of the groceries Bill brought home. Ivy thinks Bill got her the purse, but seriously, when gifts become involved, this is SUPER FUCKING CREEPY and ass needs to start being kicked, whether any laws have technically been broken or not. That night gives us the first blatant Exorcist homage shot, wherein Ivy lies in bed with her eyes open, staring blankly.

The next morning, Janice checks the mail to discover that Bearded Man has sent them a newspaper clipping containing a short biography of himself. They now know his name (Elliot Hoover), but not much else that would explain why he's creepily stalking their 11 year old. Janice and Bill discuss the clipping over lunch, which cuts awkwardly to a scene of Janice having a fainting spell in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason. Seriously, there's no explanation for it and it's never mentioned again. Because of it, Janice arrives at Ivy's school to pick her up and finds it completely empty. Running like a lunatic through the streets, she runs right into Elliot Hoover, who, quite politely, informs her that he not at all creepily helped Ivy across the street after school. Janice tears into the apartment and shakes the hell out of Ivy for following a stranger. Ivy whines and they both dissolve into dramatic bitch tears. The amount of scenery being chewed is astonishing and we're only half an hour in.

That night, Elliot Hoover calls the Templetons and begs them to let him explain himself. Yay. They agree and meet a freshly beardless Elliot at a nearby restaurant, where he tells them a long, convoluted, boring story involving psychics and shit, the short version of which goes like this: His wife and daughter (Audrey Rose) died in a fiery car crash 11 years ago/A psychic told him his daughter was still alive/He believes that Ivy is the reincarnation of her. Totally credible! This little meeting is interrupted when Janice and Bill receive a call from Ivy's babysitter telling them to come home right away because Ivy is having another sex dream nightmare. Could this have something to do with her possession/reincarnation/whatever? Could Hoover be right? THE MIND BOGGLES!

Bill meets with a lawyer friend of his to ask what can be done about Hoover and his ridiculous theories. The lawyer suggests that he invite Hoover over to the apartment and ask him a series of questions in order to get some evidence to build a case against him. Bill does so, with the lawyer hiding on the stairs as a witness. Turns out Hoover can't actually verify any of his story because all the psychics he talked to are dead or something. I dunno. I kind of checked out because it was yet another long and boring Oscar Bait monologue. He tells the Templetons about his time in India, where reincarnation is apparently a widespread belief. He also confirms that Audrey Rose's date and time of death coincides almost exactly with Ivy's time of birth.

In the midst of all this, Ivy walks out into the upstairs hallway and starts freaking out and having a flailing, screaming, waking nightmare while banging on the windows. At least, that's what it's supposed to be. Given the acting skills of this kid, it looks more like a 4 year old's tantrum over not being allowed a cookie before supper.

But, I digress. Everyone tries to calm her down, but only Elliot Hoover is successful. He calls her "Audrey Rose" and gives her a hug. This father-daughter reunion, such as it may be, calms Ivy down enough for her to be put back to bed. Bill is pissed that this guy and his charming British accent could calm her down so quickly when he could not. He starts to beat the crap out of Elliot, but stops and just tells him to get the fuck out and don't let the door hit him in the ass. Meanwhile, Janice has noticed something quite odd and troubling about Ivy. It seems she has burned her hands quite severely. When she points this out to Bill, he's all "Must have been the radiator." Janice retorts, with dramatics that would make a 1930's studio star proud, that Ivy wasn't anywhere near the radiator and that her hands were burned on the cold, rainy windows. She also points out that Ivy's nightmares always seems to occur around her birthday (death day?). Bill is like "Bitch, you's crazy," and the topic is dropped.

The next night, Ivy gives her Linda Blair impression another shot (and still fails...miserably so). Janice was smart this time and thought to put a screen in front of Ivy's window. Unfortunately, she neglected to safeguard the stairs, the tables, the lamps, the curtains, and most of the other furniture in the apartment, so Ivy instead crashes into all of those things like a little crack monkey. Bill isn't home, so when the doorman rings and informs Janice that Elliot is in the lobby, she sends him on up. He calls her "Audrey Rose" again. and Ivy makes the ugliest cry face I have ever seen on anybody, ever. Behold:

This is by far the most frightening thing in the movie, for reals. Anyway, Elliot calms her down while Janice sits in the corner and prays. When Ivy has been put back to bed, Janice and Elliot discuss just what the hell is going on here. Elliot theorizes that Ivy is in danger because of the whole "having another person's traumatized soul inside her" thing. If they don't find a way to set Audrey Rose's soul free from Ivy's body, he says, Ivy could totally die. Then he launches into another drawn out speech about the stuff he learned in India about reincarnation. Janice seems to be starting to believe.

When Bill gets home, he is none too pleased to hear that Elliot has been there again. He bitches Janice out, to which she replies "You weren't here, waah waah waah, bitch bitch bitch!" At least, that's what it sounded like to me. The level of hysterics she displays here are truly impressive. Bill decides not to argue and vows to be home more.

The nightmares and freakouts continue unabated. Elliot shows up one night in the middle of a particularly nasty episode for Ivy, and Bill goes absolutely apeshit and starts beating the fuck out of him. The two men have a hilarious brawl in the hallway while people in neighboring apartments step outside their doors and watch, looking only mildly perturbed. Elliot breaks free and barricades himself inside the Templeton's apartment. The po'po arrive and get the door open to discover that Elliot and Ivy are gone. He has taken her up to the apartment he has recently rented on the 8th floor. Hey, whatever makes stalking and kidnapping more convenient for ya. He is, of course, promptly arrested.

Which brings us to the courtroom drama portion of our tale, wherein it must be proven whether or not reincarnation exists. Because I am a total nerd, I notice right off the bat that the judge presiding over Elliot's trial is the same guy who played the psychiatrist in the episode of The Golden Girls where the girls were all pissed at each other and considering moving out. Yay for being a TV junkie! Ahem. Anyway.

While Elliot is being put on trial, Ivy has been sent to a Catholic boarding school. She and some other students are walking in a circle, chanting while some kind of big-ass snowman is being built. I have no idea what that's about, but it sort of reminds me of The Wicker Man. One nasty little snot stops chanting long enough to call Ivy a freak. Cut to the headmistress showing Janice a newspaper confiscated from a student that contains the reincarnation trial story. Oh dear. Janice keeps Ivy overnight at a hotel and they have a heart to heart. Janice wants to take Ivy home and Ivy protests because the Sylvester, the Wicker Snowman, is going to be crowned soon, and dammit, she isn't going to miss it. Uuuum....ok? They discuss reincarnation some, and Ivy waxes poetic about how awesome it would be if everyone would live forever and ever and never die. Shut up, Ivy. If that were to happen, parking spaces would disappear really fast and then Black Friday would suck even more ass than it already does. Embrace the circle of life. Anyway, they go to bed and Janice awakens in the middle of the night to find Ivy standing in front of the bathroom mirror, whispering the name Audrey Rose to herself over and over. And, ok, that is a little bit freaky.

We then segue into some more courtroom scenes, which are really boring so I'm just going to gloss over them. The main thing that happens is that the driver of the car that crashed into Audrey Rose and her mother's car gives testimony and it's really depressing. So yay for more of Ivy's new school! Their evil looking snowman is being crowned in the middle of a bonfire while the children dance and chant something about "Old Man Winter." Except for Ivy, who is entranced by the fire, so much so that she crawls right into it. The headmistress sees this dire situation from an upper story window and nearly yells herself hoarse trying to get the attention of the nun in charge of supervising the Crowning Of The Snowman. The supervising nun is in la-la land and therefore completely oblivious to both Ivy getting up close and personal with the bonfire and the headmistress yelling like a banshee about it. Somebody needs to get demoted.

Ivy is rushed to the hospital to treat her burned face. Bill is furious and asks why the hell there was a bonfire at school in the first place. Good question. Ivy whines like a little bitch and is all "Whyyyyyy did I do that Daddyyyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyyy?" The drawn out syllables are not for dramatic effect here, that's totally how she says it. Meanwhile, Janice is called to the witness stand at Elliot's trial, and her testimony boils down to that she totally believes in reincarnation and that Elliot should be set free because he is Ivy's only hope. Yay.

In light of this, the prosecution develops a radical idea. They will put Ivy under a special hypnosis in order to determine if she remembers anything from a previous life. Even though such a test has never actually been attempted before. Wow, there's NO WAY this can go wrong. Janice is vehemently opposed to this nonsense. Unfortunately, Bill has already agreed and Ivy has been sweet talked into agreeing to it as well. So, hypnosis it shall be.

Ivy is led into a room with a one way mirror with the hypnotist while Elliot, Bill, Janice, and some doctors and court officials watch from the other side. The hypnotist starts the whole "You're getting sleepy, close your eyes" bit, and it takes for freaking ever for her to finally shut her damn eyes. It goes on for so long, in fact, that I am tempted to close MY eyes out of boredom. Anyway, once she's under, she is told to revert back to her 8th birthday party. Then her 4th birthday, where she says something about her cake being homemade and then whines something incoherent. Seriously, I rewound the movie about 5 times and absolutely could not determine what she's crying about. Then she reverts to being a baby. And then, the hypnotist tells her to go back to a time "BEFORE you were BORN." That phrase is apparently this movie's answer to "The power of Christ compels you," because it repeated approximately 76,947 times. Ivy is indeed able to revert to BEFORE she was BORN, because she starts screaming and re-enacting Audrey Rose's death. Complete with choking on smoke and everything.

Seeing that this could potentially have nasty results, the hypnotist quickly attempts to awaken her. For a minute, it seems he has succeeded. However, Ivy goes right back to screaming and choking until she collapses, lifeless, onto the floor. Oops. Good job, Bill. You insisting she go under hypnosis has killed her. You know, again.

Several months later, Janice writes a letter to Elliot thanking him for taking Ivy's ashes to India. Ok, then. The camera pans over Ivy's baby pictures as Janice narrates her letter. She makes no mention of whether or not she has kicked Bill's ass to the curb after he essentially killed their kid, but that's what happened in my noodle. Roll credits.

Stay tuned for next time, when we recap the crap out of The Amityville Horror '05!

Posts Forthcoming!

I have finally found some spare time to do another recap, so yay. Expect it within the week.

"Oh My God, It's Hank From I Can Do Better!" or The Stepford Wives (2004)

The 2004 redux of The Stepford Wives is full of fail and stupid, possesses a jaw-droppingly bad script, and is, without a doubt, the worst excuse for a remake ever, in any genre. It's also kind of a stretch to call it horror. I mean, it's pretty horrible, yes. But it's also not technically a genre film." But alas, the original was a horror film, and so here we are.
You may notice that some bitchin' shades* have been placed over Nicole Kidman's eyes on the poster there. Why, you ask? Because I didn't like the way they were looking at me, and to look upon them creeped me out. Creeped ME out. Google the poster and look at them if you want. Go on, I'll wait.

OMG, did you see? Did you see the way she's trying to suck out your very soul with those eyes? Now picture THOSE EYES on a 15 foot tall cardboard standee. Yeah.

Moving on. For a movie with such a big name cast, this really feels like fifteen chimpanzees wrote it in sections. I really would love to know what kind of dirt the producers of this turkey had on Nicole for her to agree to even appear in it, much less star. Clearly, she must have run over a busload of babies and puppies, and Paramount knew about it, but Paramount isn't just gonna keep it to Paramount's self. Maybe you star in this here remake picture, maybe this all disappears. *Takes deep breath, stops stealing jokes from Family Guy*

Seriously, there's no other possible explanation. Girlfriend had just won an Oscar recently for The Hours, and she followed up that performance with THIS? Not to mention Bette Midler, Glenn Close...Christopher Walken, for God's sake. I mean, what the hell. WHAT the HELL? Perhaps I should stop ranting and start recapping so that you may finally see the true meaning of the word "atrocity."

The Stepford Wives begins with an opening credits sequence set to clips of 1950s women doing 1950s women things. Cooking, cleaning, marveling over the efficiency of their new oven as they bake delicious muffins, and so on and so forth. This fades out to show an assembly of some sort in which Joanna Eberhart (Nicole) is presenting to an excited audience the new fall lineup of her television network, EBS. This basically consists of cheesy reality show parodies, culminating in a contestant from a cheating spouse show called 'I Can Do Better' showing up in person and attempting to shoot Joanna for ruining his life. This is an understandable thing to do, as we are only 10 minutes in and Joanna is effing irritating already. Seriously, she isn't even phased that she just narrowly escaped a bullet in her generously botoxed face. That is, until she is informed that the bad publicity this will undoubtedly generate for the network means that she is fired. Oh no you didn't!
Oh, yes they did. Also, the camera focuses on that exact shot for like 5 minutes, making me want to squirm and look away. Joanna ends up in the hospital for a nervous breakdown, where she is visited by her husband, Walter. Walter is played by Matthew Broderick, who is one of the only cast members I would actually expect to be in a movie like this, seeing as how he hasn't done much of interest since 1986, The Producers excepted. Walter tells Joanna that she has his undying love and support in much the same way he might read off items on a grocery list. As he proves time and time again, Matthew's monotone line delivery is matched by few on earth.

Joanna admits that she may have indeed become a ball busting bitch in the years since she started her career, and that perhaps Hank from 'I Can Do Better' was right to try to lodge a bullet in her brain. Walter doesn't exactly dispute this, much to my amusement. Anyway, the next scene has Joanna, Walter, and their two inconsequential children in the car on the way to Stepford, Connecticut to begin life anew. Great. They arrive at their new house and are greeted by Claire, the realtor (Glenn Close, clearly cashing a paycheck here).

Claire, demonic smile pasted onto her face in every shot, shows the family around their new house and points out all the fuckawesome features it possesses, including a talking refrigerator and a robotic dog fresh from the computer of some guy in the CGI department. The very next morning, Joanna awakes to find the entire house is already furnished with only the finest Ikea. Totally not weird. She then meets up with Claire at the Simply Stepford Day Spa, where she is introduced to the town's wives. Something is not quite right with these ladies, as Joanna can clearly see, since they are exercising in dresses and pearls. Like Stepford Wives, as it were. Not gonna lie though, I would totally wear their dresses. Take a look at how purdy they are.

Anyway, in one of the most horrific things I have ever seen on screen ever, Claire leads the Wives in their daily exercise routine, where they pretend to be washing machines. Washing machines with two left feet.

Meanwhile, Walter has found his way to the Stepford Men's Association, where all the town's husbands gather 'round to relax from the jobs they don't have, drink beer, and bet each other on stupid things, as men are apparently wont to do in the Stepford universe. Several disembodied hands wave from the doorway and encourage him to come on in and join the menfolk. Cut to the Stepford 4th of July picnic. Everybody is there, decked out in their Stepford best. Joanna and Walter arrive with the kids and are swarmed by four Stepford Wives, who make suggestive comments regarding how well Walter fills out his pants. Gross.

Enter Bobbi Markowitz and her husband, Dave. Bobbi is an author and a rebel from the wrong side of the tracks. Joanna recognizes Bobbi from the cover of her book, and Walter and Dave are apparently already acquainted with each other via the Men's Association. Friendships are formed. We meet our last main character in the form of Roger, who is a living, breathing example of every stereotype you've ever heard about gay men. This seems to be too much for his boyfriend, Jerry, who is a stern sort of fellow and wishes Roger would tone it down. Oy. Conveniently, both Joanna and Bobbi know of Roger, as he is a big shot architect in NYC, and he knows of them. And so, our plucky trio of protagonists is complete. The three are having a fine time bitching together about how totally lame Stepford is, when Claire and a giant megaphone interrupt. It's time for some Stepford Square Dancin'.

I'm starting to think I'm going to need a glass or two of spiked lemonade to get through this movie. Where was I? Oh yeah, square dancing. Yay. All the Stepfordians are totes into it. Naturally, our sardonic trio spend the whole time looking around disdainfully. They're from New York, dammit. They shouldn't have to witness something so stupid as square dancing. Apparently sensing that looking like three sullen teenagers at a family reunion the same day as the Popular Kid pool party might just look a tad rude, they at least attempt some dancing. But they make sure to look displeased. Things get interesting, however, when a Wife, Sarah, suddenly starts spinning out of control and rapidly muttering phrases like "Yippee-kye-ay" and "Do-si-do." She even sparks. Almost as if she were a ROBOT or something. Hmmm...

Claire's husband, Mike, enters the scene and instructs everyone to back away please, nothing to see here. And as a wall of men hide what he's doing from Joanna, he does something that resets Sarah and all is well. Except for that fact that Joanna is all "Whaaa?" and "But she was sparking!" She then insists that she should accompany Sarah to a hospital. Um, why? Are you a doctor? Oh, you're a television producer? Ok, then shut the fuck up. Mike and Claire want Joanna to drop it already and are like "She'll be FINE!"

That night, Joanna and Walter have a fight wherein she insists something is up with the town's women and he's like "Whatever, crazy lady." Then they have a heartfelt chat where they reveal what they love most about each other. Joanna loves Walter's stupid victory dance when he wins at computer chess, and Walter loves...um....well, come to think of it, he didn't actually say what he loves most about Joanna. So, hmmmm. He does, however, give her some advice and suggests that maybe instead of staring disapprovingly at the Stepford women all the time, maybe she should dress like them and try to act just like them instead. Seriously? I would have kicked him in the nuts for that. But not Joanna, it would seem. No, she's going to give this whole Stepford thing the good old college try. So she tries it on Bobbi and Roger the next morning.

Naturally, they're like "OMG, where's your black clothing???" Joanna explains that she's going to at least try to fit in here, and suggests that maybe the three of them should go visit that Sarah chick and see how she's keeping since her sparking episode the day before. Bobbi and Roger, being from New York and all, roll their eyes exasperatedly, but agree to this. They knock on Sarah's door to find it already open, so they just mosey on in. They are greeted to the sounds of Sarah and her husband having loud sex. No snark, I really love Bobbi's reactions to the noises. Gotta love Bette Midler. Back to snark. They find what looks suspiciously like a sex toy with the name 'Sarah' emblazoned on it. It's actually a remote control. I smell a comic situation! As Sarah descends the stairs to fetch nachos for her man, Joanna and Co. are screwing around with the remote, causing Sarah's boobs to swell several cup sizes in a comedic manner. Almost like she's a ROBOT.

The Three Amigos don't notice this and take off, giggling, to Bobbi's house. Joanna and Roger are horrified by Bobbi's house, which looks like the worst episode of Hoarders ever. Joanna manages to convince Roger and Bobbi that hey, maybe they should follow her lead and try to be model Stepfordians. Oh, I think they will, Joanna. Sooner than you think.

Meanwhile, at the Men's Association, the men are racing toy cars with bras tied to the antenna. Because the men in this town are all eleven years old. Walter remarks to the men how awesomely robotic their wives are. Meanwhile meanwhile, Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger are trying their hand at a Stepford Women's Book Club meeting as part of the whole "fitting in" agenda. Claire informs them all that today, they are discussing the most awesome book EVARR. Namely, a big ol' book catalogue of Christmas collectibles. She even throws Bobbi a bone and explains that there's a whole chapter about Hanukkah. Wow. And then....they sing. Seriously.

In the words of Clark Griswold, "Merry Christmas...holy shit." Back at the Men's Association, Mike asks Walter how Joanna is adjusting to Stepford. Walter says that he really thinks Joanna is ready for a change. Nudge nudge, wink wink. The guy who lost the Toy Car Race earlier remembers that he owes Walter 20 bucks and calls for his wife. Wifey appears, takes Hubby's credit card, sticks it in her mouth, and quite literally spits out a wad of cash.

Why she spit out twenty $1 bills instead of one $20 bill is beyond me, but there it is. No doubt about it now, the Stepford women are ROBOTS. Like you didn't know. Walter has a look on his face that could be horror, fascination, or possibly constipation as he accepts his $20. Oookay.

To her credit, Joanna really is trying her best at this whole Stepford wackiness. For instance, as I watch her right now, she is taking a batch of cupcakes out of the oven for her daughter's day camp the next day. How sweet and mom-like of her. Then the camera pans out to show us that this batch of cupcakes is actually just the latest of the 90 billion she has made that day. Wow. Joanna, sweetie....I think you're out-Stepfording the Stepford Wives there. Just a tad.

Bobbi and Dave show up, and Dave whisks Walter away to a Men's Association meeting. Bobbi convinces Joanna that they should follow their men and see what goes on at such a meeting, just for shits and giggles. Joanna is reluctant to leave her cupcakes, but agrees. The women find their way into the house and come across a hall of portraits, each featuring a creepily grinning Stepford family. Interesting. They hear footsteps following them and get all scared until they realize it's just Roger screwing with them. Soon, they hear more footsteps approaching and hide. To make a long story short (too late!), Roger is led into a dark room by the men and, presumably, turned into a ROBOT. Too bad the girls didn't witness this, as we could end this movie right now and not have 40 more minutes of them trying to solve the mystery. But anyhoo...

Two days later, after not hearing from Roger since the Hall of Portraits, Joanna and Bobbi go over to his house to see what the hell is up. Nobody answers the door, but they make a startling discovery in the trash can outside: everything that makes Roger a stereotypical gay man has been tossed. Some shirts by Dolce, Gucci, and Versace, a framed picture of Orlando Bloom, a Playbill for 'Hairspray', and a T shirt featuring that other Lord of the Rings guy are among the discarded treasures. Why, what could this mean? (He's now a ROBOT and has no need for those things, would be my guess). Now that he is a ROBOT, Roger is running for some political office or another. And Joanna is officially fed up with this back asswards town.

She pleads with Walter to join her as she leaves Stepford and never looks back. He doesn't wanna go, but relents eventually and agrees that they can leave the next day. Yeah, right. I suspect that Walter is up to no good. No good at all. That night, Joanna is awoken from a sound sleep by the little CGI dog, who has something in his adorable CGI mouth. Whatever could it be? Why, it's one of the hilarious looking remote controls, the very kind we saw in Sarah's house earlier. And it says 'Joanna' on it. Hmm. I wonder WHAT is going ON. No I don't.

Joanna gets up and does some research on the internets. Turns out all the Stepford women were at one time high-powered career women. Every last one. And now they all do the washing machine exercise dressed like June Cleaver. Gee, that's not suspicious at all. The next day, Joanna heads over to Bobbi's house to have a "Let's get The Fuck Out Of Here" meeting. Unfortunately, Bobbi is...not quite herself today.

And her home is spotless. Oh noes! Joanna realizes she's on her own around the time Bobbi rests her hand on the hot stove with nary a reaction. Although, wouldn't that kind of ruin her ROBOTic inner workings? Whatever. I shouldn't expect logic from this movie by this point. Joanna goes to pick up the kids so she can get out of town, and discovers that Walter has already got them. Uh-ohs. She speeds over to the Man's Association, ready to kick some ass, and is surrounded by Stepford men. Walter steps up and makes a little speech about how Joanna has always had the bigger balls ever since they were married, and quite frankly, he is sick of it. All the men voice their agreement with this. Mike then shows up and offers to show Joanna exactly what they plan to do to her before it actually gets done. Yay.

According to Mike's educational video, the Stepford women are taken into a lab, where microchips are implanted in their brains in order to alter their personality. That's it. WHAT THE HELL? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Then what exactly is the deal with the remote controls and the ATM Of The Magical $1 Bills? All the evidence clearly points to ROBOTS, not brain microchips. To add insult to injury, they follow this by showing Joanna the prototype for her new ROBOT body.

I refuse....REFUSE...to believe that not ONE person involved in this production, from the script writer to the director to Nicole Kidman to the effing lighting guy, looked at the script and said, "This doesn't make any fucking sense." Not a single soul caught this glaring plot hole. Wow..just....wow. I really have no words. I am speechless. Ahem. Joanna makes a heartfelt speech to Walter about robots being unable to love or some shit, and pleads with him not to do it as she, Walter, and ROBOT Joanna are lowered down into the secret lab. Wow, really? Mike didn't come with to make sure everything went ok? Seems like shoddy quality control.

Now that Joanna is officially a Stepford Wife, it's time for a super duper important ball to honor the occasion. As Joanna dances with Mike, Walter steals away to the secret underground lab. Hmmm. What IS he doing? Well....what he's doing is deprogramming the microchips for every Stepford woman. Apparently, the Men's Association has top notch security for the room where they house the mainframe for their very way of life. Seriously, why are there not armed guards? Inquiring minds want to know. This is roughly the equivalent of leaving the Hope Diamond in the middle of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. So, as the microchips are deprogrammed, the woman all return completely back to normal. Because they are NOT ROBOTS, or anything, despite being able to touch fire and dispense cash from their mouths. Really, I have to ask one more time...do they think we are stupid? Do they? DO THEY? *Takes a deep breath* Whatever. I'm sticking to the ROBOT story because microchips make no damn sense at all and I refuse to acknowledge them.

The woman, naturally, are fucking pissed and are surrounding their men in an angry mob. Hee. Mike attempts to control the situation and is confronted by Joanna and Walter, who reveal that Joanna is not, in fact, a ROBOT/microchip wife after all. Walter didn't have the heart to do it (all together now: Aaaaaaaw). They merely pretended to turn her into one in order to infiltrate the mainframe and deprogram everybody. This begs the question of what exactly happened to the ROBOT Joanna body? Did they get rid of it? They must kill the real women before putting the finishing touches on the ROBOTS, so did anyone notice that a body didn't turn up? I'm confused and befuddled.

Following this rocking confession, Mike decides that Walter must pay for undermining the Stepford way. He goes to knock him out with a brass candle stick, and Joanna is like "No effing way" and swings at Mike with a candlestick of her own, and.....Mike's head sparks and falls off.

So, Mike was a ROBOT the whole time, and Claire was a human. Claire, you see, was once a big shot doctor or something and never had time for family. Then one day she caught Mike cheating on her with his pretty, blonde secretary, and so she turned him into a ROBOT and founded the town of Stepford so that all the women could be perfect and thus cheat-proof. Or something. She kisses Mike's decapitated ROBOT head and is electrocuted. Lovely. I am so embarrassed for Glenn Close.

In a move that proves without a doubt that the writers had no idea where to go from there, everything gets wrapped up neatly in a Larry King interview. No, really. Joanna, Bobbi, and Roger all appear on the show to tell the audience how they're doing since their ordeal. Joanna produced a documentary, Bobbi wrote a book, and Roger is running for state senate. Yawn. The final scene of the film shows the Stepford Husbands, minus Walter, shopping in the Stepford grocery store and lamenting that they'll be in trouble if they bring home the wrong paper towels. Aaaaaaand the end.

I gladly hand over a crown of Kraft Cheese to The Stepford Wives. Enjoy your honor and wear it with pride.

*Special thanks to mi amiga Danielle for being a buddy and editing the poster for me :)

"I Shot Him Six Times!" or Halloween II (1981)

In this era of The Horror Remake, it's sometimes easy to forget that there was once a time before Rob Zombie was taking giant dumps all over an iconic baddie like Michael Myers. But there was indeed a time in history when we weren't supposed to feel sorry for Michael because his mom was a stripper and nobody took him trick or treating as a child. No, this old school Michael put on his William Shatner mask and killed just because he is eeeeviiiil, and that's what made him scary.

In 1978, John Carpenter created Halloween, and audiences were scared shitless, and he saw that it was good. But lo, Halloween suffered from the debilitating disease of No-Sequel-Itis. In the early 80s, no doubt inspired by the swimming pools full of money that Friday The 13th and its first sequel had brought home, the executive bigwigs over at Universal were like "We should totally get in on this shit." And so, in 1981, Halloween II was born.

I find it incredibly delicious to think that they hired somebody to add two words to the first movie's tagline and slap it on the poster there.

Halloween II picks up right where the first one left off, even backtracking a bit to show Laurie Strode's final showdown with Michael Myers and Dr. Samuel Loomis shooting him. Michael, of course, gets up completely unperturbed from the bullets that have just riddles his body. Because he is the very picture of eeeeeevil. And then we have opening credits.

Cut to Michael's POV as he watches Loomis bark at the police for a bit ("I shot him SIX TIMES!!!!!!!") and then stalks his way into the home of the Elrods, an elderly couple. Mrs. Elrod is preparing sandwiches and asks her husband, Harold, if he would enjoy mayonnaise on his. Harold, a product of the old days in which women were expected to always be able to read their man's mind when it comes to condiments, doesn't answer her. Mrs. E. spreads mayo on his sandwich anyway. God help her if he didn't want it. While she is distracted watching a conveniently placed newscast recapping the body count from the first movie, Michael sneaks into the kitchen and steals her sandwich makin' knife. Harold isn't going to be pleased. Mrs. E. finally reaches for the knife and her fingers brush a spot of blood that Michael left in his wake. She screams.

Meanwhile, next door, a teenage girl named Alice has heard Mrs. Elrod screaming and pokes her head outside to yell "Are you alright?" Receiving no answer, she assumes all is well and goes back to her phone conversation. Good going, Alice. What if the Elrods are laying in a pool of their own blood and can't answer you? They're not, but what if they were? I'm glad you aren't my neighbor.

Alice reports to her friend on the other end of the phone that she was just checking out some mysterious screaming. She deduces that Harold has perhaps grown weary of Mrs. E.'s nagging at him and has decided to start beating her. And Alice doesn't think that this is a problem. Alice's friend tells her about the babysitter massacre that just occurred down the street and Alice barely has time to react to this news when Michael sneaks up on her and jams his knife into her jugular. This makes absolutely no sense, as it is out of character for him. In the first movie, he basically only killed the people he had to in order to get to Laurie, yes? Thus, killing Alice serves no purpose whatsoever. But I digress. Body Count: 1

The po'po have gathered at the house where Laurie was babysitting earlier. She is being carted out on a stretcher, wearing the worst wig ever to disgrace the silver screen. For serious. Take a look at this handy comparison. On the left is Laurie in the first film. On the right is her in this movie, which takes place on the same night:

Wow. I have no words. So, moving on, Laurie is being transported to the hospital. Cut to the outside of the hospital. A woman is seen taking her kid inside because, I think, the kid has bitten into a razor blade that was in his candy. Cute. Also, WTF does that have to do with anything? It's really random. Laurie arrives at the hospital and begs the doctor not to put her to sleep. He does. He also opts not to have armed guards stationed by her door, even though she is being pursued by a knife wielding maniac who is still at large. Gotta love movie logic.

Loomis and Sheriff Brackett are driving around and come across somebody dressed exactly like Michael, mask and all. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this probably isn't our guy. Nevertheless, Loomis and Brackett start to chase this person down when all of a sudden, a police car comes zooming down the street at 1200 miles an hour and runs the guy over. The question of why a police car is going such an outrageous speed on a residential street where he knows children are trick or treating is best left unpondered, as it will give you a headache. The point is, Faux Michael is caught between the police car and a van, both of which are on fire. Another police officer comes running up to Sheriff Brackett and tells him that his daughter's body was among those found in the house of horrors. So, no time just yet to figure out the identity of Faux Michael.

After yet another scene with the woman and Junior Razorblade (seriously, this woman must have slept with the director or something, because this whole little subplot is extremely irrelevant), we cut to some hospital staffers watching a news report on the murders and tsk tsking. Jimmy, the young paramedic who attended to Laurie in the ambulance, comes into her room to flirt. Because the best time to flirt is always when the other person is recovering from multiple stab wounds. Laurie seems to be going for it though, so go figure.

Outside the murder house, Sheriff Brackett leaves Loomis on his own to go home and mourn his daughter's death. The police are fairly certain that the guy who just burned to death was Michael and are ready to be all "Yay, he's dead." Loomis, of course, knows better and tells them so. An officer asks what they should do then, and Loomis launches into a monologue as only he can, dramatically stating that Michael is eeeeeeeeviiiiil. Hey Loomis, how's about you shut up and just help the police, ok?

So, where exactly is Michael while all of this is going on? Here it is almost half an hour into this movie and we've barely seen him. Michael, it turns out, is strolling through the streets of Haddonfield as leisurely as a daisy blowing in the breeze on a summer's day. One would think that the townspeople would see him carrying his knife and, you know, start screaming and running for the hills, but they don't. Michael comes across a conveniently placed sign that says "Haddonfield Memorial Hospital," with an arrow pointing him in the right direction. Well isn't that just quaint and dandy. All that's missing is for him to tip his hat and stroll away humming Singin' In The Rain with a piece of straw in his mouth. He reaches his destination awfully quickly, as 20 seconds later we see him walking right past the security cameras and into the hospital. The guy who is supposed to be watching the monitors doesn't notice, of course, because he is a slasher cliche.

In the hospital break room, we are formally introduced to the victims we will watch die within the next hour, and a lame attempt at "character development" is done for each of them. A young nurse named Karen, who arrives to work late and who is presumably the hospital whore. Another nurse named Janet, who hates when people swear. A dude named Budd who swears just to piss Janet off. This is the extent of their characters. Jimmy stands in the corner brooding over Laurie. He decides to go and visit her long enough to tell her that it was Michael Myers who was after her. Laurie is shocked to hear this, as she assumed that damn Myers guy was locked away in an asylum.

Michael, meanwhile, is wandering around the hospital's basement. This hospital, by the way, is practically deserted except for our motley crew of staffers, Laurie, and some babies in the maternity ward. It is also dark as shit. I have been inside my share of hospitals at nighttime, and not only does every light stay ablaze, but never are there less than two dozen doctors/nurses walking around exchanging medical jargon with each other. Especially in the juvenile ward. Shenanigans, Halloween II. Shenanigans.

Well, anyway. Michael is wandering around undetected. Janet Who Doesn't Like Swears and Mr. Garrett, the security guard, have gone to investigate why the phones are mysteriously not working. Mr. Garrett figures out that someone has broken into the storage room and yells through his walky talky for Janet to get the police. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught Janet how to use a walky talky, because she only fiddles with it and complains "I don't know how to use this thing!" Seriously? Pressing a button and talking into the microphone is beyond your skill level?

As Janet struggles to understand the genius behind the walky talky, Mr. Garrett opens a door and 9 million boxes come crashing down on his head. I would love to think that Michael took the time to set that up, because it makes me giggle. Eventually, Mr. G. runs into Mikey, who has apparently grown bored with his butcher knife and has decided to do Garrett in with a hammer instead. Body Count: 2 Back in the dark, deserted hallway, Janet is still trying to figure out her walky talky. Thankfully, she gives up and stalks back to her post.

At the coroner's office, the identity of Faux Michael is still being determined. The coroner informs Loomis and the police that nothing will be certain until dental records and x-rays have been checked. Obviously, that just won't do. The decision is made to assume Michael is still alive, and the police head back out, where they come across an actual angry mob throwing rocks at the Myers homestead. All that's missing are pitchforks and torches. I'm not sure exactly what these people are hoping to accomplish, because Michael is clearly not in there. Maybe they're hoping that he will come home, see the damage done to the house, shake his head, sigh, and think "Why do I do it? Why do I alienate myself from the mainstream? I should change from now on."

Loomis launches into another variation of the only monologue about Michael that he knows (key phrases such as "eeeevil," "Halloween," and "not human" intermixed with various mumblings). This dramatic speech is interrupted by two Haddonfield teens, who say that they're awfully worried about their friend, Ben Traymer. Ben, you see, has not been seen since he left a Halloween party a few hours ago. And he had a "stupid mask" on. Gee, do you think Faux Michael could possibly be Ben? Me too. Loomis agrees with me. Let's see what's going on at the hospital in the meantime.

Nurse Karen has decided that the babies in the maternity ward can just fend for themselves, and she heads on down to the basement to have a soak in the therapeutic hot tub with Budd. Across the hall, Laurie is having a dream/flashback about learning, at the age of 10 or so, that she was adopted. She also remembers visiting Michael in the sanitarium, and presumably knowing that he is her brother. *Gasp!* Like you didn't know. Since Laurie is apparently aware that she is related to Mikey, it makes the earlier scene where she refers to him as "That kid who killed his sister" more than a little bit odd. But anyway. Karen and Budd are enjoying the hot tub downstairs. Naturally, Michael is lurking in the shadows and is wondering how on earth he is going to kill them. I mean, really. Butcher knives are soooo '78. No, this kill really needs to sparkle. Behold, my children....the hot tub temperature gauge:

Pay extra attention to the right side of the gauge that's colored all red. Although it may be hard to make out in that picture, there's no doubt as to what it says on my TV screen right now. It says "Scalding" and it goes up to way more than the posted limit of 100 degrees. What. The. Hell. I feel I must ask...why oh why does a hot tub for humans possess a setting for scalding? That seems like it would just be a major lawsuit waiting to happen, wouldn't you agree? Unless they make hard boiled eggs in there during off hours. Yes, that must be it. But back on topic, Michael is slowly turning the temperature up. Karen makes Budd get out to check the gauge, where he is quickly eliminated (Body Count: 3), as Michael hardly has the time to creatively kill the men. No, the best kills are always reserved for the ladies. He stalks up to Karen, who does the cliche thing of mistaking him for her boyfriend. Michael lets her suck on his fingers for a bit before grabbing her head and stuffing it right into the scalding water. Gore isn't skimped on here, as the water spectacularly melts Karen's flesh right off. Ouchies. Body Count: 4

Back to Dr. Loomis and Co. A nurse from the Smith's Grove Sanitarium catches up to them and informs Loomis that he is to return to SGS immediately because he has severely fucked up this whole Michael Myers thing. Oh dear. Cut back to the hospital, where Jimmy The Paramedic has stolen back into Laurie's room to make a heartfelt speech about how he's never going to let anything happen to her. Aaaw. Too bad Laurie didn't hear any of it, because she has had a reaction to her medication and is catatonic.

Jimmy summons help, and Nurse Janet runs down the hall to Dr. Mixter's office, as he is clearly the only doctor in the entire hospital. He is also as dead as Winona Ryder's career after that unfortunate shoplifting incident. Body Count: 5. Janet barely has time to react to this when Michael ambushes her with a syringe to the eyeball. Body Count: 6. Whoever is playing Michael here tries his best to do the little head tilt thing from the first movie and make it just as creepy. He fails. Tell me that doesn't look like a sad clown:

Jimmy has grown tired of waiting for that useless Janet to return with Dr. Mixter and goes in search of the head nurse, Nurse Alves, which leaves Laurie's room unattended. Michael creeps in with a scalpel at the ready. He's going to finally murder Laurie and damn if anything is going to stop him now. Oops...not so fast there, Mikey. Take a look under the covers. Go on, look. LOOK I said! See? You've been stabbing nothing but mattress, because Laurie is gone. HA. Also, what? I thought she was comatose, unless maybe she was merely pretending for some reason. I dunno. Just go with it. Laurie stumbles her way across the hospital and attempts to phone for help. I guess she didn't get the memo about the phones being out. Time for Plan B. Jimmy and a nurse named Jill have suddenly realized that the hospital's staff of utter morons are all gone and they're mysteriously alone. Jimmy is all "We have to find Laurie!!!!!" and his brilliant plan is for he and Jill to split up and search separate wings of No Lights Memorial Hospital. This should turn out well.

Jimmy's search turns up the body of Nurse Alves, who has been given the IV drip of death (Body Count: 7). As he turns around to leave, he slips in her blood and falls right on his head. Good job. Jill, meanwhile, has opted to get the hell out of Dodge and is scurrying across the parking lot to her car. But oh noes...her engine won't start! And every last car in the parking lot has flat tires! Whatever you do, Jill, I definitely wouldn't run back into the...goddammit. I said NOT to go back into the hospital. *Sigh* Jill happens to run right into Laurie's path and implores her to stop stumbling away from her. Laurie turns around just in time to see Michael lift Jill up off the floor by sheer force of his scalpel. Body Count: 8. And it's ON.

Laurie can run really well all of a sudden for someone who was stumbling mere seconds earlier. She runs and runs until she reaches the basement, where Michael has conveinently laid out the bodies of all the victims. I'm rather confused as to when he had the time to do this, but I'll go with it. He catches up with Laurie, who quite conveniently manages to hail the elevator just in the nick of time to escape. She exits the elevator like a bat out of hell and hauls ass out of the hospital and into the parking lot.

Cut to Loomis being escorted back to Smith's Grove with the nurse lady. He begins one of his patented Dramatic Loomis Monologues, but she interrupts him and informs him that there is a SECRET FILE on Michael Myers that was so super duper SECRET that nobody ever knew about it, because it was such a SECRET. And the best thing about secrets is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly. Ahem. Anyway. According to the SECRET FILE, Laurie is Michael's sister. Um, wow. I would totally be astonished, except for the fact that they pretty much already revealed this information thirty minutes ago via Laurie's flashback. So...yeah. Loomis convinces the driver to turn the car around and go to the hospital, by way of firing a gun near the driver's head. Loomis is awesome.

Laurie is hiding in a car when who should appear but Jimmy The Paramedic. He assures her that he will get her out of here, and then he faints right on top of the horn, providing Michael with a loud, blaring signal as to their whereabouts. Jimmy....you're full of fail. Laurie manages to pry him off the steering wheel and tries to start the car. It won't start. She has the good fortune to stumble out of the car right as Loomis and Co. are walking into the hospital, but wastes this stroke of luck by waiting to scream for help until they're already inside. Good job, Laurie.

She finally gets her wits about her and pounds on the hospital doors. They let her in, but Michael is right on her ass and just barges through the glass doors because he is made of badassery. Loomis is ready with a gun and shoots Michael down, not that it worked before. And guess what? It didn't work this time either. As the cab driver/police officer bends down to get reeeeally close to Michael's face, Mikey sits right up and slashes the hell out of the dude's throat. Body Count: 9. Idiot. Everyone knows you never get right up in the killer's face when you think he's dead. Because he never is.

Anyhoo, Loomis and Laurie must now run. And run they do, as Michael slowly stalks them like he's got all the time in the world. Loomis shoves his gun in Michael's face, and Michael responds by shoving his scalpel into Loomis' stomach. Score one for Michael, I suppose. Laurie has had quite enough of Michael's shit tonight and shoots him right between the eyes. As Michael hilariously swings his scalpel blindly at Laurie, Loomis gets up and blows up an oxygen tank, totally annihilating the entire wing of the hospital they're in. Never mind that there might be patients in that wing, or anything. The important thing is, Michael and Loomis are both dead. Until we get to Halloween 4, that is, when they are both miraculously resurrected because it turns out that you can't slap the title Halloween 3 on a movie that's not in any way, shape, or form about Michael Myers and expect a great box office return. But that will be another blog for another day. Body Count: 11. Roll credits and get Mr. Sandman stuck in my head for the rest of the night. Thanks.

I would be lying if I said I didn't love the entire Halloween franchise, faults and all. So here's to you, Halloween II, for being such a delicious slice of the slasher era of old.